all you gotta do is breathe

I had my b-day this week. For the record, I hate birthdays, because every time something bad happens in my life it's around that time! A lot of deaths happened the days before, also had funerals on my b-day. The month of June is one big reminder of people who died...
On the other side, June also has a lot of birthdays in my family: mil on the 3rd, friend on the 6th, daughter on the 8th, me on the xx th, sister on the 25th. June is a month of sadness when I remember those who died (brother, grandparents, ...) and a month of celebration, which feels forced! It's like I have to pretend to be happy, give presents, receive presents, go out to b-day dinners, be thankful, ... while I really just want get through the month.
So this year, just as every year in the past 10 years, I told my family that I didn't want to do anything on my birthday. They know to just leave me alone because I will wake up in a bad mood and stay that way all day long. And as always they make a big fuzz, about how I should be celebrating instead, and be happy, and they really want it to be a fun day. So I told them fine, I'll make a list of things I might want to do and then you guys just pick something. So I made the list of things to do and places to eat, presents I prefer (or things I need) I was prepared that I would have to do at least one of those things, and decided to just go with it and see how it goes. by the time it was my birthday I actually started to feel a bit excited.
Then the day comes and.... nothing.
a card... small bouquet of flowers... an envelope with a little money. Happy birthday mom!
So ok, I realize that I refused to celebrate the last years, but this year they pushed me, so I gave in... and eventually felt like no one really cared. So next year I will go back to doing nothing and just stay in bed all day!

A week before
I had to read on facebook that a good friend died. Her daughter didn't even notify anyone personally, she just posted on fb "mom I'll miss you".
The moment I read it I actually thought it was a joke! Or she'd gone on a trip or something, then I noticed people commenting with crying emojis, so I called her.
Turned out she'd killed herself. I still can't wrap my head around it! She sat in my living room just two weeks before and there was nothing about her that suggested that she would do this! In fact, she would say all the time that she might as well kill herself, every time she didn't get what she wanted she said stuff like that, in a rage, when she was angry.... When she got divorced she said "maybe I should overdose on my pills, then he'll know what he's missing", when her daughter didn't give her enough attention she said : "she will drive me to suicide, maybe I'll just do it, the she has what she wants and then she will miss me and it will be all on her!!!"... she was always raging on.... so I was convinced that she would never do it.
Until she did.
Turns out she left a lot of letters, the earliest one dating back from September. She wanted her ashes to be scattered in the sea, so there wasn't a funeral. She also wrote the names of all the people she wanted to be present, I wasn't on it. So there is that. I did consider her a good friend, despite her raging nature, she was always there when I needed someone....

I've decide a long time ago, after my brother killed himself (also in June, funeral on my b-day), that I would never commit suicide, no matter how hard life gets, no matter how depressed I was, I would never do that!
And I've dealt with depression!
At the worst point I had been sitting on my couch for months, almost didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't talk to anyone, didn't do anything... the first week I cried none stop, after that I was just numb. And then I slowly came out of it. I don't know why I became that way, there wasn't really anything wrong, it just happened. I also don't know why and how I snapped out of it, just happened.
What I did learn is that there is no one able to pull you out of it, no matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't change anything... And I also did learn that after a while, after a very short time actually, everyone stops trying and you truly feel alone in this world.

In the end though, all you have to do is keep breathing.
breathe and remind yourself that things will eventually get better....


for the record, I am not depressed right now. Just feeling sad and powerless but I know that to shall pass

I know men and women can process emotions differently, between ex-wives, and girlfriends my 2 daughters and 2 stepdaughters and sisters have seen it up close and personal and have become somewhat of an expert in making the opposite sex depressed.

Just keep breathing, and it will pass. You never know the battles other people in your life are facing. Find a little something that gives you joy stay busy each day come up with that 30 minutes or an hour a day for yourself

Don't dwell on the negative, no matter how legit it is.

Family can easily be the most dismissive of your stuff, for lack of a better term. But Ive learned don't give other people that kind of power over your daily attitude. You get those coping skills when you live with an alcoholic for 13 years. Even then Ive only been what would even be close to classified as being long-term overtly depressed twice in my 58 years of life. The 3-4 years of the marriage breaking down, the divorce, and the joint custody missing my kids, and the 4-5 years plus when my Dad was sick and his ultimate passing (RIP). Both times just taking care of myself physically helped my mental outlook tremendously over time, and shortened the depression phase. Ive definitely learned I don't need anybody else constantly to be content.

I hope you feel better, sometimes when I feel that way I can recenter my perspective just by going outside on a clear night and gazing at the cosmos. In the scheme of things we all are pretty insignificant, what's the point of spending the blip of time being stressed and depressed, no matter the root cause?

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Doesn't it feel great to express yourself?

To share that which we feel.

Be blessed.

^_^

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Well hate to be contrary but, it takes others to pull you out and
I have learned that birthdays, christmases and things like that, it’s not about me, it’s about others and sharing good memories, actually making good memories with them
I apply myself to making those memories worth it for friends and family

I can and have been someone to others, dragged them up, surprisingly and I I didn’t imagine I could, had that capacity
Also, have celebrated many of my birthdays with others and celebrated theirs, connecting and caring.
It’s your choice
You have to do more than just breath
Starts by you saying, “let’s do something together”

originally posted by: KindraLabelle2
I had my b-day this week. For the record, I hate birthdays, because every time something bad happens in my life it's around that time! A lot of deaths happened the days before, also had funerals on my b-day. The month of June is one big reminder of people who died...
On the other side, June also has a lot of birthdays in my family: mil on the 3rd, friend on the 6th, daughter on the 8th, me on the xx th, sister on the 25th. June is a month of sadness when I remember those who died (brother, grandparents, ...) and a month of celebration, which feels forced! It's like I have to pretend to be happy, give presents, receive presents, go out to b-day dinners, be thankful, ... while I really just want get through the month.
So this year, just as every year in the past 10 years, I told my family that I didn't want to do anything on my birthday. They know to just leave me alone because I will wake up in a bad mood and stay that way all day long. And as always they make a big fuzz, about how I should be celebrating instead, and be happy, and they really want it to be a fun day. So I told them fine, I'll make a list of things I might want to do and then you guys just pick something. So I made the list of things to do and places to eat, presents I prefer (or things I need) I was prepared that I would have to do at least one of those things, and decided to just go with it and see how it goes. by the time it was my birthday I actually started to feel a bit excited.
Then the day comes and.... nothing.
a card... small bouquet of flowers... an envelope with a little money. Happy birthday mom!
So ok, I realize that I refused to celebrate the last years, but this year they pushed me, so I gave in... and eventually felt like no one really cared. So next year I will go back to doing nothing and just stay in bed all day!

A week before
I had to read on facebook that a good friend died. Her daughter didn't even notify anyone personally, she just posted on fb "mom I'll miss you".
The moment I read it I actually thought it was a joke! Or she'd gone on a trip or something, then I noticed people commenting with crying emojis, so I called her.
Turned out she'd killed herself. I still can't wrap my head around it! She sat in my living room just two weeks before and there was nothing about her that suggested that she would do this! In fact, she would say all the time that she might as well kill herself, every time she didn't get what she wanted she said stuff like that, in a rage, when she was angry.... When she got divorced she said "maybe I should overdose on my pills, then he'll know what he's missing", when her daughter didn't give her enough attention she said : "she will drive me to suicide, maybe I'll just do it, the she has what she wants and then she will miss me and it will be all on her!!!"... she was always raging on.... so I was convinced that she would never do it.
Until she did.
Turns out she left a lot of letters, the earliest one dating back from September. She wanted her ashes to be scattered in the sea, so there wasn't a funeral. She also wrote the names of all the people she wanted to be present, I wasn't on it. So there is that. I did consider her a good friend, despite her raging nature, she was always there when I needed someone....

I've decide a long time ago, after my brother killed himself (also in June, funeral on my b-day), that I would never commit suicide, no matter how hard life gets, no matter how depressed I was, I would never do that!
And I've dealt with depression!
At the worst point I had been sitting on my couch for months, almost didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't talk to anyone, didn't do anything... the first week I cried none stop, after that I was just numb. And then I slowly came out of it. I don't know why I became that way, there wasn't really anything wrong, it just happened. I also don't know why and how I snapped out of it, just happened.
What I did learn is that there is no one able to pull you out of it, no matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't change anything... And I also did learn that after a while, after a very short time actually, everyone stops trying and you truly feel alone in this world.

In the end though, all you have to do is keep breathing.
breathe and remind yourself that things will eventually get better....


for the record, I am not depressed right now. Just feeling sad and powerless but I know that to shall pass

You have friends who love you on ATS and elsewhere
Your posts are interesting and nice, which is reflective of you. It’s good that you share your never-give-up outlook, it’s a good thing for everyone.

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Unbelieveable, why people thought it was a good idea to hold your brother's funeral on your birhday! People too selfish to think of others, or too stupid ? Sorry to hear your month has been sh*t , hope it gets better for you

originally posted by: ancientlight
a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Unbelieveable, why people thought it was a good idea to hold your brother's funeral on your birhday! People too selfish to think of others, or too stupid ? Sorry to hear your month has been sh*t , hope it gets better for you

I remember sitting at the funeral house after my brother died, to make all the arrangements. It should have been my parents sitting there, but my father hasn't been sober since he died and my mother was wasted on pills. So it really was up to me and my sister to make the arrangements.
It didn't even enter my mind that I had a bday that week, so when they suggested to have the funeral 'next thursday' we just agreed with it.

So basically I'm the stupid one...

originally posted by: stevieray

You have friends who love you on ATS and elsewhere
Your posts are interesting and nice, which is reflective of you. It’s good that you share your never-give-up outlook, it’s a good thing for everyone.

thanks
I have wanted to give up plenty of times, think everyone does at one point....
but when it comes to suicide, I've experienced more then once how it leaves people devastated and I simply won't do that to anyone else! In a way it is a very selfish act

originally posted by: Raggedyman
a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Well hate to be contrary but, it takes others to pull you out and
I have learned that birthdays, christmases and things like that, it’s not about me, it’s about others and sharing good memories, actually making good memories with them
I apply myself to making those memories worth it for friends and family

I can and have been someone to others, dragged them up, surprisingly and I I didn’t imagine I could, had that capacity
Also, have celebrated many of my birthdays with others and celebrated theirs, connecting and caring.
It’s your choice
You have to do more than just breath
Starts by you saying, “let’s do something together”

I get what you're saying. I used to be that way until about 10 years ago. I was the one organizing the parties, inviting people, forced the family to spend time together, make enough pictures and videos, because friends and family are the most important things you have in your life. I was the one everyone came to with their troubles and I was the one who fixed everything for everyone....

and then one day it hit me, that none of that was coming back to me. No one would do that for me. No one was fixing MY problems. When I went through my depressions there was no one there, no one wanted to see it, no one tried to pull me out, take me to a doctor, give me food,... so I stopped doing all that, and in a way became more selfish. I lost 'friends' over this, I don't have contact with my sister anymore.

I have a family and I am there for them, but I know I can't depend on them when it comes to my emotional needs... so I learned to only depend on myself and not expect anything from others anymore

but I guess we are all different that way

originally posted by: QwertyMyself
a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Doesn't it feel great to express yourself?

To share that which we feel.

Be blessed.

^_^

Just ranting my heart out and it does make me feel better!

originally posted by: putnam6
and have become somewhat of an expert in making the opposite sex depressed.

one thing I'm sure of is that it isn't others that make us depressed, we do that to ourselves with our own thinking patterns

Just keep breathing, and it will pass. You never know the battles other people in your life are facing. Find a little something that gives you joy stay busy each day come up with that 30 minutes or an hour a day for yourself
Don't dwell on the negative, no matter how legit it is.
Family can easily be the most dismissive of your stuff, for lack of a better term. But Ive learned don't give other people that kind of power over your daily attitude. You get those coping skills when you live with an alcoholic for 13 years. Even then Ive only been what would even be close to classified as being long-term overtly depressed twice in my 58 years of life. The 3-4 years of the marriage breaking down, the divorce, and the joint custody missing my kids, and the 4-5 years plus when my Dad was sick and his ultimate passing (RIP). Both times just taking care of myself physically helped my mental outlook tremendously over time, and shortened the depression phase. Ive definitely learned I don't need anybody else constantly to be content.

I hope you feel better, sometimes when I feel that way I can recenter my perspective just by going outside on a clear night and gazing at the cosmos. In the scheme of things we all are pretty insignificant, what's the point of spending the blip of time being stressed and depressed, no matter the root cause?

sorry you had to go through all that, I can relate to a lot of it.

When I start to feel that spiral of negativity, I tend to rant it out of my system. I write or put my feelings into art and it usually does the trick in making me feel better...
It does take a lot of effort to remind myself that my own perspective on things is the cause of my negative feelings, not other people.. although it's way to easy to blame others

anyway, thank the gods for ats rant forum!

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

It sounds like you've got a good handle on things!

I've seen enough 'cycles' of tough times where I've had to remind myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". It can sure be tough getting to the other side, and takes enormous effort, so kudos to you!

I have 'trigger days' where I unplug from the world as much as possible. My family knows it's my 'feel sorry for myself day' and gives me all the space I need. It's helped me to see death as the beginning and not the end; to feel blessed for the time I had to make memories. I can only hope when my time comes to travel on my loved ones are left with more happy memories of our years together than sad ones from our temporary parting.

I do hope baring your soul has helped you through today. Oh! And a belated Happy Birthday!

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. From the yearly nagging about a birthday party until my 30th birthday ("you can't just do nothing, people expect it") and giving in but nobody except family showing up, over to arranging a funeral even though it would have been expected that at least the biological daughter would move a finger....

But the 30s BDAY, "took the cake": I did not decline a party that year, I said I would make one, I wrote invitations and got replies and spent two days upfront in stress just to prepare the party and all the food. With a two year old child and being single mom focus on guests have fun and a nice time together.

I had to eat it alone and ultimately threw a lot away because I was sick and tired eating the birthday meals for days and it was getting depressing

That's when I realized, these are not friends. I don't use the word "friend" in a loose manner, a friend is someone that I would go out of my way no questions asked when they are in trouble.

My MO with friendships is: You call me at 3am and you're sitting 200miles away on a dark strip of autobahn with a broken car? I will jet there ASAP and get you out of there and bring your favorite snack, too, for the travel home.

Guess that's not the definition most others have.

Feel yourself hugged Kindra, what I know from your posts, you are a good person. My auntie always said: Chin up, smile, straight back, shoulders up and move on.

originally posted by: KindraLabelle2

originally posted by: putnam6
and have become somewhat of an expert in making the opposite sex depressed.

one thing I'm sure of is that it isn't others that make us depressed, we do that to ourselves with our own thinking patterns

Just keep breathing, and it will pass. You never know the battles other people in your life are facing. Find a little something that gives you joy stay busy each day come up with that 30 minutes or an hour a day for yourself
Don't dwell on the negative, no matter how legit it is.
Family can easily be the most dismissive of your stuff, for lack of a better term. But Ive learned don't give other people that kind of power over your daily attitude. You get those coping skills when you live with an alcoholic for 13 years. Even then Ive only been what would even be close to classified as being long-term overtly depressed twice in my 58 years of life. The 3-4 years of the marriage breaking down, the divorce, and the joint custody missing my kids, and the 4-5 years plus when my Dad was sick and his ultimate passing (RIP). Both times just taking care of myself physically helped my mental outlook tremendously over time, and shortened the depression phase. Ive definitely learned I don't need anybody else constantly to be content.

I hope you feel better, sometimes when I feel that way I can recenter my perspective just by going outside on a clear night and gazing at the cosmos. In the scheme of things we all are pretty insignificant, what's the point of spending the blip of time being stressed and depressed, no matter the root cause?

sorry you had to go through all that, I can relate to a lot of it.

When I start to feel that spiral of negativity, I tend to rant it out of my system. I write or put my feelings into art and it usually does the trick in making me feel better...
It does take a lot of effort to remind myself that my own perspective on things is the cause of my negative feelings, not other people.. although it's way to easy to blame others

anyway, thank the gods for ats rant forum!

This brings up a good point sometimes just hearing stories makes your own stuff seem less worrisome.

I definitely use ATS more when Im depressed, and even talk about some of these issues. ATS definitely was there when my Dad was sick, we had a lot of long nights but got such good advice, on chemo treatments effects and remedies, what to expect, etc.

LOL bet Im the only ATSer that had this website mentioned in their divorce papers. My alcoholic ex, used to try and "catch me" cheating because I was always on the ATS message boards late at night so much, she was convinced I had a side chick. But I was just an insomniac and had always been a night owl. Crazy times ...but they do get better and Im a better person for having gone through those times. It's not a badge of honor, per se, but it's wonderful when you want to use a compare and contrast.

Take care of yourself, get back to nature, and rediscover a lost pleasure, music always worked well for me.

a reply to: KindraLabelle2

Well, certainly makes it tough. Meet new people, get out and live, learn to dance

Think of life of the 7 colors of the rainbow and don't forget to smell the flowers.
Life can be like quicksand at times, but we need that vine to pull us back to safety.
You read my post about this...88shikokuhenro.jp...

I could see me talking to you in the evening about life and how the wind can really be our roadmap in life.
If you like, you can follow me in the spiritual footsteps of life here. tokyocycle.com...

a reply to: TDDAgain

I'm so sorry that happened on your 30th birthday!
I guess it's things like that that make me not want to plan any celebrations at all...

we had so called 'friends' that didn't even show up at our wedding. it was mid pandemic, so we could only have 20 ppl at the ceremony. Besides the family we reserved the last spot for who we considered our best friends. Turned out they did show up in our town, but ended up in a bar instead of our wedding.

So now I don't have friends anymore, I have a lot of acquaintances, colleges, some family, but my last true friend died earlier this month

You call me at 3am and you're sitting 200miles away on a dark strip of autobahn with a broken car? I will jet there ASAP and get you out of there and bring your favorite snack, too, for the travel home. Guess that's not the definition most others have.

that sounds exactly like how a friendship should be

a reply to: musicismagic

thanks for the link, I'm following your journey

originally posted by: KindraLabelle2
a reply to: TDDAgain
we had so called 'friends' that didn't even show up at our wedding. it was mid pandemic, so we could only have 20 ppl at the ceremony. Besides the family we reserved the last spot for who we considered our best friends. Turned out they did show up in our town, but ended up in a bar instead of our wedding.

So now I don't have friends anymore, I have a lot of acquaintances, colleges, some family, but my last true friend died earlier this month.

What the?? They go to a bar instead of your wedding? I can see how this must have felt for you. Did they at least tell upfront they wont come or did they just not show up?

Here this would have not worked since the bride is kidnapped by the grooms best friends and the groom has to find his fresh wife and free her by confessing his love again. The "kidnappers" grab the bide and then they go through all the bars they can find, drink a shot there on cost of the groom and move on, with the bride as their trophy. Until the groom finds them (more things happen then, but it would blow up this post).

About friends...Some of the deepest and thoughtful conversations I had online with people I consider friends, one is like the sister I never had, to me. I'm not innocent though, I have been a bad friend a few times, too. Never with intent, does not make it any better... I think if we try to learn from them and not repeat, it's a good path in general.

a reply to: TDDAgain

No they didn't tell us upfront, we found out days later that they were on their way, a bit to early, decided to go to a bar and stayed there...

The whole bride kidnapping thing sounds soooo awesome! We don't do things like that over here, just the normal ceremony and a party afterwards. But it was in the middle of the covid pandemic so we weren't allowed to do anything at all, just the ceremony and it had to be held in the local theater because of the space.

Which part of the world are you from, which has such interesting traditions?