Anyone superstitious? I'm a bit (well, very) spooked...

It's good that you forgive her, because you don't deserve to carry that grudge on your shoulder your whole life and let it effect your relationships with others. And besides, she mist be that way for a reason... You did not have her childhood, neither did I, so we don't know exactly why she turned out this way... though you may have SOME idea, its still not the same as walking in her shoes for her whole life. This doesn't excuse whatever she did (or didn't do), but it does tell you there is also no excuse for wishing her ill. Because we just don't know exactly what goes through her head.

In a way you almost have to feel sorry for people who have done you harm... What a world they must live through everyday, right? My world is full of love, and joy, and I'm ok with whatever happens in life. The type of person who has done harm to others must live in a tangled web of lies (to themselves and others), and they cannot know true happiness and love, since it must be impossible to love themselves, no matter how much they might DO FOR themselves that's not the same and not nearly as rewarding as loving thyself...

Sorry if this is all way off base from how your own situation resonates. But what I thought of after reading your post is this... You say you have forgiven her, and hopefully you have moved on. But perhaps there is a further level of balance you could reach by actually telling her you forgive her. You need to let her know that, despite everything she's done, she still did not prevent you from blossoming into a complete person with a full life. I think the dream is telling you that there is not much time left, if you wish to have this opportunity for the final portion to complete your sense of closure.

Because once she is gone, there will be no more words between you. I of course do not want to push you to do anything you aren't comfortable with, but who knows, maybe something good may come of it, besides complete closure... Like an apology or explanation for her actions, both of which you certainly do deserve... Or maybe even a shred of love might still be found between you. I trust you will know what's best, but I would hate for you to be stuck with all these questions that may or may not linger with nobody to ask, or feelings with no way to express them or nobody to express them to.

reply to post by 3n19m470


Thanks so much for such a kind, thoughtful reply x Really appreciate you taking the time to write that.

I completely agree with what you've said, and I have exact same outlook on things. One thing I always strive to do is to try to imagine what it must be like to walk in another person's shoes, so that I might understand why they think or act the way they do.

Obviously I have tried this many a time with my mother. Before I fully move on, I need to understand why she is the way she is, and why she treated us the way she did.But it's just so hard to figure it all out, and although I can see that her childhood might well have been the root cause of it all, I then come back to thinking - well, my childhood was 20 times worse than hers and yet I would never hurt a fly and I'm a happy, stable, loving person. I don't think there can be any excuses for it. Everyone must take full responsibility for their actions.

It's such a mystery to me. The trouble is, people with narcissistic personality disorder will never, ever admit to any wrong doing. They are the "victim" in every situation. You could have the evidence of something they've done right there in front of them and they would still deny it till they're blue in the face. I have never confronted her over everything that went on, nor have I ever told her how she made me feel and the effects it's had on me, because as far as she's concerned, she's perfect and has never done anything wrong and I'd be flogging a dead horse. You'd think she'd take a long hard look at her life and wonder why her 2 daughters and her parents have disowned her and maybe figure out what the common denominator is - but, alas, no. She thinks that she's the victim and we're all the horrible evil people, which is even more of a punch in the face.

Really, the best thing that's worked for me so far is to stay well away, have no contact and try to figure things out myself. I've come so far since she's been out of my life and I wouldn't want to reverse any of that. I don't know what to do really, I know I need to do something because it's literally constantly there hanging over my head and I know that there's something I need to do to bury it all...I just can't figure out what!

Anyway, sorry about the essay! And thank you for listening x