Blood Bond [TFTG]

23 April 1863
The ice cold breeze flushed across my face as I made my way through one of the many dingy alleyways that seem to infest New York City. I continued up they alley, I noticed their where three young men around 22 and a small girl around 19 with long red hair with beautiful curls she looked right at me, a look of pure terror emanating from her eyes.one of the men turned and saw me. ‘’go about your business. nothing for you to see here’’ he called at me as I walked my back was now to them as I made my way up the alley I wasn’t nervous I knew I could handle those three goons if it was required but my taste for unnecessary violence had long since faded. ‘’GET OFF’’ I heard the girl from the alley scream just as I was about to exit onto the main street ,instinct kicked in and I turned and sprinted back the way I came . I don’t know what was driving me I just knew I had to save her. I heard a struggle as I rounded on where she was and then I stopped frozen to the spot. Two of the young men were dead one had his neck twisted and now his head was looking up at me from an entirely unnatural angle and the second man was lying face down, clearly dead as his heart was about 3 feet from his body that’s when I saw her straddling the third with her face nuzzling into his neck like a small child seeking comfort from a loved one, she lifted her head ‘’I knew you would come to my rescue, your eyes said you would’’ she said calmly as she ran her tongue along her bottom lip seductively removing the crimson droplets of fresh blood then she was on me and the world went black.
As I opened my eyes the light hit and a streak of visceral pain shot through my head slowly my eyes adjusted and I could take in my surroundings I was laying on a king-size bed that was luxuriously crafted from oak and the sheets were pure Egyptian cotton. I got out of bed and found my clothes in the wardrobe. I got dressed and walked over to the window only to find that it wasn’t a window but a door leading to a balcony as I stepped out I was amazed the sun was just about to set below the forest in the distance ‘’ beautiful view don’t you think?’’ I jumped startled from the familiar voice that had just appeared behind me. I turned around and was struck dumb by the sight. Standing there wearing a dazzling white knee length dress was the most awe inspiring beauty I have ever seen she was delightfully petite with long red curls and pale blue eyes that seemed to reflect light her face was round and her lips were shiny and plump. A bolt of lightning shot through my heart as my memories came back ‘’ y-you killed them and me what did you do to me?’’ I stammered as I struggled to stand ‘’you have nothing to fear from me’’ she spoke softly but directly I felt my heart slow as I regained my composure I didn’t know why but I knew I could trust her. ‘’ where am I’’ I queried trying to stay calm ‘’ my apologies we are just North West of Atlanta at my families plantation. My name is Tayla Devaux ‘’. Is that French?’’ I asked, she giggled before replying ‘’ you saw me kill three men in an alley and your only interest is if I am French only an Englishman would be so rude. Please accompany me to the parlour we shall have tea and get acquainted’’
The parlour was a magnificent room filled with antiques and trinkets my common eyes had never witnessed. ‘’are you going to kill me?’’ I asked with no hint of fear in my voice. ‘’I am but only for a short while’’ she spoke softly as she moved toward me lifting an ancient silver dagger from a pile of dusty old manuscripts. ‘’fear not Zachary ‘’ she whispered as she sliced her wrist with the antique blade, she lifted her pulsating towards me yet I was unable to move or utter a word of protest, blood trickled down her arm as she pressed the wound to my lips. ‘’drink now and I will give you an eternity of beauty and wonder’’ As I tasted the metallic nectar I felt a moment of the purest ecstasy before the silver dagger was plunged into my chest. As I woke I found myself in a dark room with a pounding pain rushing through my head like a million fire ants marching along decimating all in their path. I stood up and steadied myself and that’s when the memories came flooding back. Tayla had fed me her blood and then killed me or did she it was so clear and then it seemed like a terrible nightmare as if I had dreamed the entire encounter and suddenly I realised something was different, I had changed my senses seemed heightened and I was starving I had never felt so hungry. I found the door and exited the dark room and found tayla waiting for me in the parlour. ‘’So you have risen’’ she said to me in her smooth velveteen voice ‘’What have you done to me Tayla? You killed me why am I not dead?’’ I asked clearly terrified and utterly at ease with this redheaded killer, ‘’be calm Zachary all will be explained in time suffice to say that when you died with my blood in your system you changed you became more than a mere man I have given you immortality!’’ with this statement my head began to spin all the emotions I had ever felt seemed to rush through my body all at once. I could hear the pounding of blood through my ears at then the young servant entered with tea, before I realised what was happening I was on her. My teeth sinking deeper into her flesh as her blood trickled down my throat I felt a power that I had never felt before and all at once the agonising hunger was gone. Tayla walked over to me, I was still clutching the body of the dead servant, I felt no remorse or sadness as Tayla took her servant from me she let the lifeless corpse sink to the floor. ‘’We shall go on throughout eternity side by side and together we will take this world for ourselves. only one can stop us but for now he believes I am still in the old world hiding from him like a terrified child but together we will defeat him as sure as David defeated Goliath. We will be victorious because from now and for all time we are bonded together by the blood of the immortals’’

reply to post by Ph03n1x


Wall of text. Ugh. Hard to read.

SnF. Interesting read, however, a bit off of the contest's premise.

WIth your permission, I'd like to reformat your story. There's a writing tutorial that could help you bunches.

reply to post by Druid42


sure do what you wish...also could you explain what you mean by ''off premise''

reply to post by Ph03n1x


"Off premise" redacted. Sorry about that.

Had too many tabs open?

Good vamp story!

reply to post by Druid42


it's actually an extract from a book i have been writing called eternal hunger...blood bond chronicles part 1

I rather enjoyed reading this story, the content and descriptions are spot on...

...

However I do have to agree that some paragraph breaks (or even simply double-spacing the whole thing) would put less strain on the eyes, and your sentences can be quite long in places. Maybe consider the addition of commas (or other appropriate punctuation) where you naturally pause while reading the story yourself, just to bring some more personality and clarity to the piece.

Just a friendly suggestion. Like I said, I love the writing itself.

Cheers!

-Coel

Originally posted by Coelacanth
I rather enjoyed reading this story, the content and descriptions are spot on...

...

However I do have to agree that some paragraph breaks (or even simply double-spacing the whole thing) would put less strain on the eyes, and your sentences can be quite long in places. Maybe consider the addition of commas (or other appropriate punctuation) where you naturally pause while reading the story yourself, just to bring some more personality and clarity to the piece.

Just a friendly suggestion. Like I said, I love the writing itself.

Cheers!





-Coel

edit on 15/5/12 by Coelacanth because: Grammatical error.

thanks for the input..i appreciate anything that could make me better