Alpha Centauri Pie [CWC]

It was 12 pm on a Saturday when Charles Dobson stirred back into consciousness. The previous night had been like most teenage Friday nights, a local house party with plenty of beer and even more nubile women. Now local for Charles was a 2Km drive since he lived in the country. Dobson's had taken part in a very heated debate with 2 well stacked locals he had known since high school and one he had a particular crush on. A challenge ensued which resulted in a drinking competition and the winning prize had been him making as ass of himself in front of the whole party, and the rock splitting hangover he was now sporting.

He barely remembered driving home, which is common if you drive with your eyes closed for the majority of the time. He was an idiot and he knew it, drink driving was bad enough but drink driving the tractor? He managed to open a very bloodshot and droopy eye and glance to his right to notice the time was now 12:30pm, he should be up helping with the farm chores but his body was wracked with pain and he was still pretty drunk. As he lay there in bed he noticed the left side of his double bed seemed to sag a bit like someone was sleeping there. With some force he turned his head to the left and found himself face to face a what he could only surmise was a gray alien. The high pitched scream the escaped Dobson's beer soaked throat would have woken the dead.

He jumped out of bed so fast he almost went through the wall and into the other room from sheer fright.
"what the holy hell are you? and what are you doing in my bed?" he yelled. While at the same time trying to convince his bladder function that this might not be the most appropriate time to go on vacation. He managed to babble a few incoherent words about chickens and milking cows and then passed out where he stood. His bladder finally winning the debate.

Dobson woke to find himself back in bed but with the Alien standing at the foot of his bed staring at him with those big gray eyes. He was now as sober as a preacher on Sunday, although given Father O'Tools fondness for the sacramental wine that's not quite as somber as most. The Alien introduced himself as Bob and spoke in a rather deep voice which was strange for something with a head the size of a basket ball and neck the width of a mans wrist. "You humans sure do make a mess of your bodily functions. Is leaking on the floor a way of welcome in your culture?" Dobson was babbling again "wh...wha...what? Leaking?" Then looked at the side of the bed to notice the puddle he had left after he collapsed. "No..No. only when we get date raped by Aliens" He said trying to draw attention away from his embarrassment. As the insanity of the situation started to settle in his mind he was starting to get bold. " What the hell are you doing here? and how the hell can you speak English?"

The Bob just laughed " I'm using an universal translator and im here to study human mating rituals. Im a behavioral scientist from the star system Alpha Centauri." The blood drained from Dobson's face as he grabbed the sheets and pulled them up to his chin " Oh Christ! you're going to anal probe me aren't you?" Bob looked at him quizzically " You are the second person to ask me that, Is this another human custom I am unfamiliar with?" "Of course its not, but isn't what you damn Aliens do? Mutilate cows and anal probe people?" "Why the hell would we travel so far to eat intestines of animals and probe peoples butts? You think a race that's mastered faster than light travel needs to stick probes up peoples backsides? If we wanted to know what you ate we would simple ask you."

By now Charles Dobson was sure one of his friends had spiked his beer at the party with some sort of illicit drug and this was all a very vivid and persistent hallucination. "Ok, I'll bite so if I'm not completely crazy and you are from Alpha Centauri and here to study mating rituals how the hell did you end up in bed with me?" Bob sat down on the only chair in the room. "Well I was flying overhead when I saw the party and noticed your unusual courting style. Tell me how did you develop the technique of projectile vomiting on your potential mate? It's a very intriguing strategy. Was this some form of territorial marking to ward off other males from your potential mate?" Snippets of the night were coming back to Dobson. He wasn't going to live this down with his mates. " Yeah its my patented celibacy technique, keeps the men away from the women I'm after but also keeps her away from me. It's a work in progress." Bob went on " You intrigued me as a test subject so I followed you till you drove your farm vehicle into the ditch and them tried to crawl home." Dobson groaned, his dad was going to kill him when he found out about the tractor.

"So are you here to help me or poke fun at me?" Dobson asked Bob. " Based on the observations I have undertaken I believe I might be of assistance in this matter, I have only 1 rule. NO photos on conspiracy forums or the net." Dobson thought about it for a minute "yeah I can live with that. You know Jenny Philsner is having a pool party tonight, there will be plenty of hot chicks there. what do you say?" "I will have to undergo subdermal transformation but this should be interesting. Are you planning on refining your previous courting ritual of projective vomiting on your potential mate tonight?" With a sardonic look at Bob Dobson replied "Just shut and get changed, we have a lot to go over before tonight......hey, by the way does your ship have a tractor beam.. you know for beaming tractors out of ditches."

S&F Tim3lord.

Only qualm I have with the story is the kids name. Didn't feel right for the age of the character. But good light-hearted premise.

reply to post by boncho


Thanks man, sorry to hear one of your stories got canned. But you know how much these guys love rules.

reply to post by TiM3LoRd


Rules is all I have. I'm just a creative desert.

reply to post by TiM3LoRd


Sadly rules are there for a reason.

:shk:

No matter how annoying they seem to be...

I liked your story. The interjected humor was great.

Unfortunately the "format Nazi" in me had a difficult time getting through it.

Wonderful story line though.

Originally posted by ThreeSistersofLoveandLigh
I liked your story. The interjected humor was great.

Unfortunately the "format Nazi" in me had a difficult time getting through it.

Wonderful story line though.

edit on 3/15/2012 by ThreeSistersofLoveandLigh because: (no reason given)

Thanks for the feedback.

This was my first ever attempt at that style of writing so it was all experimental from my point of view. Glad at least you found some humor in it.

Originally posted by masqua
reply to post by TiM3LoRd

 

Rules is all I have. I'm just a creative desert.

I understand totally.....but a little anarchy is good to remind you you're alive sometimes. Of course time and place play a major role of when to implement such actions.

Good to see you are testing the "experimental" waters, no harm in that, and it also appears you were successful.

You get a flag for the attempt. Well done!

reply to post by Druid42


Thanks for the feed back and support.