Dowry System

Well I had to get it off my chest and tell to my western friends here. For those of you who don't know what it is, Dowry is the payment in cash or some kind of gifts given to bridegroom's family along with the bride. Despite being illegal, it is still practiced in many parts of India.

The bad thing about this is the financial burden on the bride's family. I have seen many father who are more concerned about his daughter's marriage and especially the dowry money than her education. It is fine for them to invest money to "BUY" a good husband for her than to send her to a better educational institution for better education. And then comes more problems with this evil Dowry system. Groom's family treats the bride badly after marriage just because they were not satisfied with the dowry amount and they want more. There are many dowry death cases where either the groom's family either beats the bride to death or the bride commits suicide due to ill behavior with her. I am not telling you this after hearing it from someone or watching the news on TV. But I speak this from my first hand experience here.

Last year my aunt came to our house during holidays for a week. She was searching a good girl for her son and asked my mother if she knew any good girl for marriage. My mother recommended a girl and she called her mom to arrange the meet. After my mother and aunt came back after meeting the girl and her family, my aunt told me that they are paying too less and her son deserves more money. She didn't ever cared about the girl, the money was the more important factor. It is like they are buying and selling relationships. I can't even report this illegal practice to the police as all these people have friends in high places and also the police can be easily bribed and instead I will be harmed/killed by those whom I have reported.

The problem doesn't ends here, middle class families manage to follow this system but the people who barely make their living gets crushed under this. And the worst thing is that my family too sees no evil in dowry system. Feels so sick to live among these people, watch them do these bad things and I can't do #.

reply to post by morpheusxxz


You said you can't do anything about the system. But you just did. You spoke out about the injustice you witness. You posted it on a global forum. It may not feel like much, but you never know what difference your one story might make.

I've never really understood the dowry system. In effect, is it paying the groom to take the bride? Or is it supposed to be money used for the support of the bride? For example, if the husband dies then the bride could live off her dowry.

I've also heard of a "bride-price" but the way I heard it explained, the groom paid the money to the father for the bride. So the more appealing the bride, the more money the groom would pay. So now I'm confused. Are both things occuring, or do I have one of the definitions wrong?

If you don't mind my asking, what religion (if any) does your neighbor practice? I'm wondering if its a cultural or a religious mindset.

Originally posted by morpheusxxz
... my aunt told me that they are paying too less and her son deserves more money.

She didn't ever cared about the girl, the money was the more important factor.

Even though I've been shouted down for saying it before, and its completely unpolitically correct to say it... WOMEN are still a huge factor in the reason women dont have equal rights in many cultures.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
reply to post by morpheusxxz

 

You said you can't do anything about the system. But you just did. You spoke out about the injustice you witness. You posted it on a global forum. It may not feel like much, but you never know what difference your one story might make.

I've never really understood the dowry system. In effect, is it paying the groom to take the bride? Or is it supposed to be money used for the support of the bride? For example, if the husband dies then the bride could live off her dowry.

I've also heard of a "bride-price" but the way I heard it explained, the groom paid the money to the father for the bride. So the more appealing the bride, the more money the groom would pay. So now I'm confused. Are both things occuring, or do I have one of the definitions wrong?

If you don't mind my asking, what religion (if any) does your neighbor practice? I'm wondering if its a cultural or a religious mindset.

First of all, thanks for your reply.

Yes, I did hope that people who are unaware of this get to know this evil happening in the society. And yes, you got me right. Here, the bride's family has to pay the groom's family for the marriage. And no, the money is actually not for the support of the bride. She has no control of that money rather the groom family take all of it for their own use.

I looked up on Wikipedia about "bride price" and that is opposite of what is practiced here.

And I don't really mind you asking about the religion as I don't believe in it. We are basically hindus. Dowry system is a cultural mindset among our Marwari ethnic group. Same people who used to practice female foeticide (still happens) and killing of female babies after their birth and labeling the mother as incapable of giving birth to a female child. Same people who practiced child marriage (my grandmother was married at the age of 7). I feel ashamed to live among them.

Yup. I've heard of this before in exactly the way you describe it. This is the way it is throughout much of the world. Much as we are prone to criticize the West, you have become Westernized, and now you see the evil. This is where much of the criticism of the West is based. People invested in these cultures don't like to see "their ways" criticized, so they rant about the evil West subverting their culturs and being ethnocentric. But here's a good example of a cultural trait that deserves subversion. It needs to stop. And the fact that you, a person originally from this culture, are willing to come on her and condemn that practice, gives me hope.

I'd say what you can do that is most important is break the chain. Teach your children differently and set a different example.

Originally posted by alfa1

Originally posted by morpheusxxz
... my aunt told me that they are paying too less and her son deserves more money.

She didn't ever cared about the girl, the money was the more important factor.

Even though I've been shouted down for saying it before, and its completely unpolitically correct to say it... WOMEN are still a huge factor in the reason women dont have equal rights in many cultures.

Agreed. But the reason is that those women responsible have so deep and blind belief that women should not have equal rights. They are not entitled at all to be called human either they are male or female if they don't have a brain of theirs to think and think that females are any less than males.

Wow! I feel sorry for you or any woman having to face that nonsense. It always amazes me to hear stories like this where these things are still happening. Men and women should marry whoever they please no matter how much or how little they have.

Originally posted by schuyler
Yup. I've heard of this before in exactly the way you describe it. This is the way it is throughout much of the world. Much as we are prone to criticize the West, you have become Westernized, and now you see the evil. This is where much of the criticism of the West is based. People invested in these cultures don't like to see "their ways" criticized, so they rant about the evil West subverting their culturs and being ethnocentric. But here's a good example of a cultural trait that deserves subversion. It needs to stop. And the fact that you, a person originally from this culture, are willing to come on her and condemn that practice, gives me hope.

Yes I have seen people here criticizing the west for spoiling Indian culture. They are so much blinded by the illiteracy that they won't hear a word against them and will instantly start the rant. While I must say that there is much wisdom in this country too but unfortunately there is a same amount of misinformation. I believe in picking up the good from both side rather than being biased with one. Sometimes I feel bad that I was born among these people but it is now upon me how I live my life.

Originally posted by Blaine91555
I'd say what you can do that is most important is break the chain. Teach your children differently and set a different example.

Yes I will do it certainly but the matter is serious because all of my friends and cousins of my age even with good education and even after reading about the evil of dowry system in social study books never ask any question or bother to even see that it is happening. They just want to enjoy the marriages and are very much blinded with all the other stuff in life. If things keep going on this way then I cannot think that we would be able to get rid of it any soon.

reply to post by morpheusxxz


You can't take the world on your shoulders. All you can do is be an example to others and control your own life.

I like this often used prayer by Niebuhr.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Hokey and cliche I know, but holds a lot of meaning in a lot of bad situations.

Originally posted by alfa1

Originally posted by morpheusxxz
... my aunt told me that they are paying too less and her son deserves more money.

She didn't ever cared about the girl, the money was the more important factor.

Even though I've been shouted down for saying it before, and its completely unpolitically correct to say it... WOMEN are still a huge factor in the reason women dont have equal rights in many cultures.

Very true. I read a book recently on the practice of female circumcision. It destroys the clitoris in an effort to curtail a woman's natural desires. And according to the author, it was the women of the family insisting on the circumsicion.

To fundamentally change the role of women, we first must change their mindset...and that will be hard to do.

Originally posted by Blaine91555
reply to post by morpheusxxz

 

You can't take the world on your shoulders. All you can do is be an example to others and control your own life.

I like this often used prayer by Niebuhr.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Hokey and cliche I know, but holds a lot of meaning in a lot of bad situations.

Yes I can't take the world on my shoulder (I wish I could ). But still I think I can do more than just controlling my own life and being an example.

And really a nice prayer. I believe there is nothing we cannot do so lord give me the courage to change the things I can.

reply to post by morpheusxxz


Wow I think you have a lot of guts Morpheus. I don't count myself as one of those who are quick to judge. I did do a search before posting my thread but you know how that can be. Inefficient.

Originally posted by randyvs
reply to post by morpheusxxz

 

Wow I think you have a lot of guts Morpheus. I don't count myself as one of those who are quick to judge. I did do a search before posting my thread but you know how that can be. Inefficient.

No worries. I was just ranting off but you brought up a news report and looked for facts. You can u2u me if you need more info.