Something that used to happen to me, as a child...

I've often wondered about something that used to happen to me as a child.

Straight to the point - I used to sort of...put myself into some kind of trance. I'm not sure if that's the right word, but that's the only way I can describe it. I know I used to chant something over and over and over again to myself, in my head...and then...something would happen - and this is where I get lost. I don't know what happened to me or where I "went". All I remember is the snapping out of it and it would take me a couple of minutes to remember who I was and what I was doing here, in this life. It was like having amnesia. I'd have to look around the room at things, to try and trigger my memory. And when something would trigger it, whoosh - it would all come flooding back and I'd be "back" in my life again. I always had this feeling when I did it, that I was being "naughty" - like I was up to something I know I shouldn't have been doing.

Anyway, I remember the last time I did it, because when I snapped out of it, it took me much longer to remember who I was and I started getting frightened. Eventually it all came flooding back, but after that - I could never do it again, no matter how hard I tried.

This all happened when was when I was a very young child. Does anyone have any idea what was going on? It's weird, as I say - I have absolutely no idea what went on while I was in this "trance". No memory of it whatsoever, it's like nothing happened at all and I just ceased to exist.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

Thanks,

Kate

The recount of your past behavior is very similar to the 'escape mechanisms' used by children who were actively being sexually molested and were facing another attack.

I'm not saying that's what happened to you but what you're reporting is very similar to those who have been sexually molested.

After the first painful horrifying experience children learn to 'know' when another attack is imminent. From there Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Assault report when they felt an 'attack' was imminent or it began to occur they would 'put themselves in trances' - or - 'went away' many stating it became difficult to 'come out of' the self induced trance the more they' used' this mechanism of escape.

Later the same Adult Survivors reported they turned to 'Self Inflicted Injury' in order to 'feel something, anything' due to their eventual lack of being able to feel at all.

I hope this isn't the case, in your case.

peace

Originally posted by silo13
The recount of your past behavior is very similar to the 'escape mechanisms' used by children who were actively being sexually molested and were facing another attack.

I'm not saying that's what happened to you but what you're reporting is very similar to those who have been sexually molested.

After the first painful horrifying experience children learn to 'know' when another attack is imminent. From there Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Assault report they 'put themselves in trances' - or - 'went away' many stating it became difficult to 'come out of' the self induced trance.

Later the same Adult Survivors reported they turned to 'Self Inflicted Injury' in order to 'feel something, anything' due to their eventual lack of being able to feel at all.

I hope this isn't the case, in your case.

peace

edit on 9-12-2011 by silo13 because: spelling

Wow. Well, I was abused and neglected as a child, not sexually though. I never for a second considered that these "trances" I used to put myself into were anything to do with that. Thanks for the input, that's really made me think...I feel a bit weird now actually.

reply to post by KatieVA

I feel a bit weird now actually.

If you don't mind me saying I hope you don't get down on yourself for feeling 'weird'.
Children are miraculous - and have such an incredible capability to 'survive'.
YOU are a survivor!
Be proud of that and who you are. Let the 'weird' part go.

On another note though? It's not uncommon for children who've been abused to really compartmentalize their pain and memories. Putting those horrific events 'away' somewhere safe in their' 'memory box'.
If you continue to 'feel weird'? First, get in a safe place, someplace you feel really comfortable and not at all threatened.
Second, make sure you have someone you can call on if negative memories do come 'flooding back'.
Third? Allow yourself to 'go back to that place' - where you used to go as a child, and, see if any memories are let out of your 'memory box'.

The above is only a suggestion and truly shouldn't be attempted if you're a all vulnerable. If you continue to feel uneasy see if you can find a trained professional to help you through your memories - if that option is not available then a good friend who will help you stay grounded. Those memories can be pretty life altering if/when they come back so make sure to be prepared.

peace to you, real peace to you.

Originally posted by silo13
reply to post by KatieVA

 

I feel a bit weird now actually.

If you don't mind me saying I hope you don't get down on yourself for feeling 'weird'.
Children are miraculous - and have such an incredible capability to 'survive'.
YOU are a survivor!

Be proud of that and who you are. Let the 'weird' part go.

On another note though? It's not uncommon for children who've been abused to really compartmentalize their pain and memories. Putting those horrific events 'away' somewhere safe in their' 'memory box'.
If you continue to 'feel weird'? First, get in a safe place, someplace you feel really comfortable and not at all threatened.
Second, make sure you have someone you can call on if negative memories do come 'flooding back'.
Third? Allow yourself to 'go back to that place' - where you used to go as a child, and, see if any memories are let out of your 'memory box'.

The above is only a suggestion and truly shouldn't be attempted if you're a all vulnerable. If you continue to feel uneasy see if you can find someone to help you through your memories and make sure you have someone to help you stay grounded.

peace to you, real peace to you.

edit on 9-12-2011 by silo13 because: clarify

Thanks, Silo. You're really kind and lovely.

I guess I just feel weird because it's like...another part of the jigsaw fits...if that makes any sense?

My mind seems to have completely blocked out most of my childhood...I really want to remember, as strange as that sounds. I feel like I need to remember it and deal with it, in order to move on and heal. I've been really trying. I started therapy about a month ago, but it didn't seem to be working - although I think that was down to the actual therapist, she was a bit rubbish. I'm going to find another one after new year I think.

I don't know how to access these memories though, even if I wanted to do what you suggested, I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel as though the memories have been completely wiped out, rather than buried.

What you mentioned in your first post - about self harming just to feel something, sadly I used to self harm as a teenager and I guess I do this now, but not physically, just mentally. I try to sabotage my own happiness in order to feel something - even if that's negative. I just can't feel anything. I'm not depressed at all, at this stage in my life, I have everything I could ever have wanted - but I can't feel any of the nice feelings I'm supposed to be feeling. I tried to explain this to my therapist and she just didn't understand and it frustrated me so much.

Anyway, I seem to have poured my heart out to a complete stranger. But I feel a bit better for it!

I used to experience something similar (to my knowledge without any form of real abuse..) normally it was as I was falling asleep. Sometimes I'd remember weird dreams.. really weird, honestly don't think I can find the words to describe them though lol

The only time I've felt anything similar is while meditating, dunno if you have any interest in that sort of thing but this is the right sub forum to explore!

Originally posted by March of the Fire Ants
I used to experience something similar (to my knowledge without any form of real abuse..) normally it was as I was falling asleep. Sometimes I'd remember weird dreams.. really weird, honestly don't think I can find the words to describe them though lol

The only time I've felt anything similar is while meditating, dunno if you have any interest in that sort of thing but this is the right sub forum to explore!

This used to happen to me mainly (as I remember) when I was just lying in my room, on the bed, during the daytime...another time it happened when I was sitting on the toilet in school!

I'm very interested in mediation, used to do it quite frequently but haven't in quite a while. I'd like to take it up again!

Did you have trouble remembering who you were when you "snapped out of it" too?

Originally posted by KatieVA

Originally posted by March of the Fire Ants
I used to experience something similar (to my knowledge without any form of real abuse..) normally it was as I was falling asleep. Sometimes I'd remember weird dreams.. really weird, honestly don't think I can find the words to describe them though lol

The only time I've felt anything similar is while meditating, dunno if you have any interest in that sort of thing but this is the right sub forum to explore!

This used to happen to me mainly (as I remember) when I was just lying in my room, on the bed, during the daytime...another time it happened when I was sitting on the toilet in school!

I'm very interested in mediation, used to do it quite frequently but haven't in quite a while. I'd like to take it up again!

Did you have trouble remembering who you were when you "snapped out of it" too?

That's one way of getting out of class!

Well I tended to just wake up the next morning normally but I could remember if I had drifted off with that sensation, and sometimes I could remember some sort of dream. I've been trying to think of a way to explain the dream.. it was more a conceptual thing. the closest philosophical idea I have come across would be 'as above, so below', just a general feeling about how things relate... haha

I also haven't meditated for a while, it's back on the top of my priority list now though for various reasons!

reply to post by KatieVA

I just can't feel anything. I'm not depressed at all, at this stage in my life, I have everything I could ever have wanted - but I can't feel any of the nice feelings I'm supposed to be feeling. I tried to explain this to my therapist and she just didn't understand and it frustrated me so much.

Anyway, I seem to have poured my heart out to a complete stranger. But I feel a bit better for it!

That your trying - says you're ready.
Is it going to be easy?
Absolutely not.
I'm not trying to scare you off, just saying, the knowing comes with a 'price' - but - you got through it as a child, you'll get through it as an adult.

Therapists - wonderful as some can be? There’s no way (most) can understand if they‘ve not ‘been there‘.
If I can caution you to one thing - or at least give you something to mull over?

Therapists don't need to understand.

I know it's nice when they do, but, their job is to help you through sorting out and exposing your memories.

Honestly, finding a therapist you hate works pretty good believe it or not!

Children who've been abused/used/abandoned/molested (or not) often find they’re either too subservient to authority, or they buck it. Sometimes finding a therapist you realllly don't like? Focus on it! Pour out all the anger and hate and frustration you (might) have from your past on the therapist. They've got big shoulders, let them take it for once instead of you! And, they’ve been trained to ‘take it’ so you’re living guilt free!

The problem with therapists who ‘understands’ everything? If they do? Sometimes they’re not equipped to ask the hard questions, press the hard issues, and take a stand even though they’ve been trained to do just that. You’ll be lucky, very lucky, if you find both.

Regardless, if you're not comfortable with your therapist, find another one.

And yeah, sometimes telling a complete stranger works all the way around.

If you’re ready for more? You’ll know it. Since you’re here? It seems you are. If you’re not? The time will come.

I wish you all the best and all the courage it will take to get through the process you’ve started. Because you do have courage, never ever doubt that.

peace

Thanks, Silo. Huge hugs and kisses to you xx