Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

Doesn't sound like he's worth it..IMO.

I mean, you also stated:

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]
The relationship started out okay (we were on our best behavior in those days though) but has been super disfunctional and rocky for the last three years.

I believe people can change, for the better..Because, if there are people that can break out of an old habit..It means it's possible to break out of more habits & embrace the change..Just my 2 pence on that though.

To quote Bob Marley: "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

The question you gotta ask, putting your kids, family, etc aside is..How much does he really mean to you?

Good luck with your relationship.

OK here is the question: If P catch O to have an affair with M, then can P forgive M?or he will go to A seeking for revenge!

2 simple choices that's what it comes down to folks..

1. stay with the guy just to be financially secured and pretend to have a nice "family structure" at the cost of your own happiness

2. bust your ass to be come independent and seek happiness

the real lazy person looks for number 1

I don't think you leaving him or wanting to is selfish at all. And I do think it is taking the kids into consideration. You can't raise happy healthy kids in an unhealthy environment. A lack of a father growing up is better than your kids inheriting all of the traits that made you want to leave in the first place. I grew up in an environment where I wish my father had left my mother. I truly believe I would have been much happier. Do what you feel is best for both yourself and your kids in the long run. Temporary fixes aren't worth all the troubles that are almost certain to come later on.

reply to post by wlord


[color=dodgerblue]I think you are right on that.

I am currently enrolled in the nursing program. I want that degree so bad because of the independence it will provide for me in any situation.

reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe

To quote Bob Marley: "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

[color=dodgerblue]That quote is so appropriate.

The question you gotta ask, putting your kids, family, etc aside is..How much does he really mean to you?

I am not really sure

Thanks for the input.

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by SmoKeyHaZe

I am not really sure

Thanks for the input.

I think you've just answered the question yourself..But nothing is irreparable..At least I don't think.

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

Is he willing to go to a therapist.....and get help in changing...finding out why he does the negative things he does?

Are you willing to go to therapy too? Also....are you 2 willing to do couples therapy as well as individual therapy?

How much do you really love him? Is it deep and strong enough to try? Does he still have a deep love for you?

How is all of this affecting your children?

Originally posted by wlord
2 simple choices that's what it comes down to folks..

1. stay with the guy just to be financially secured and pretend to have a nice "family structure" at the cost of your own happiness

2. bust your ass to be come independent and seek happiness

the real lazy person looks for number 1

HAHAHA! The real lazy person doesn't do Jack and runs away. The one who works hard to help themselves and others is the one who is a hard worker/fighter imo.

Look....if ya leave with no money, no job and no where to go.... not helping.

Becoming financially independent while trying to make the relationship work is her only "safe for all" choice really. Sure you can try for government help and suffer the woes of being broke and climbing the mountain to financial security. That one is really hard..been there and done it. It took me five years and man... it has been horrific not being able to provide what my kids need. That gets me down worse than anything. It may not others...but it does me.

We can say all day long leave his jerk a$$ but there are three sides to every story. We can offer advice to a situation but we know not everything plus we have no idea what her misgivings are that is added in to the toxicity of the relationship.

Like you said OP.....lots of soul searching as this is a decision that will ultimately throw you and the kids life into either a whirlwind of regrets and struggle or happiness that you are looking for and we have no crystal ball here to say the outcome of any decision you choose to make.

I just feel for ya!!! xoxox

Jenn

Unless he's violent toward you or the kids, you have an obligation to *try* to make it work for the kids sake. Plus it's the holidays, don't compound this stressful time of year with a family breakup. You waited 3 years since it got bad, you can wait a few more weeks, but at least try to make it work for the kids.

A couple of questions.

1. Is he a good dad? Is he present?
2. Does he provide financially for the family?
3. What is bad about him, words or action or both?
4. In a perfect world, where do you envision yourself?

Edit, I see you answered question 3.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes. Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

He can get help for those things. He's a jerk for sure. But he's not the worst out there - it's important for you to find self worth outside of this relationship, like at a job or volunteering somewhere.

Try to get him to do things with the kids, take over duties with them. The goal is to ingrain him in the family, so that if his behavior does not change, and you threaten to leave, he may actually change his ways to save his family.

He needs therapy too - I wouldn't undermine him by going through his work or anything like that because he could get violent at that breach of trust, but he's got issues and you're his punching bag. That has got to stop, but ideally your family stays together

mamaj i don't know your age but, it seems like you are an old thinker. I'll say this in today's age with the internet and the way we are all connected, it makes it a lot easier to find someone. You don't have to submit to your partner and plea for change. Plenty of other people out there.

You have children so your first obligation is to them. If the situation becomes way too unhealthy for you till it affects them, then maybe you should go.

So yes there should be a second chance before you divide incomes, homes, holidays and money. You have to at least be able to say you tried everything you could for your kids before making this decision.

But, it means you setting boundaries and sticking to them. It means rigidly going to marriage counseling. He has to prove to you he is willing to try.Maybe individual counseling as well.

He has to know that these are the terms. That he can no longer swear, attack you verbally and he must learn self control.

A good marriage counselor will get this point across to him and teach both of you how to argue.

And it will help with your methods as well.

I want to add. I'm a guy, a divorcee with kids. My ex-wife is well off financially, but I pay my share in support regardless and see my kids regularly. We're amicable - so to speak.

That said. It's hard out there as a single mother. Really hard. You must seriously considered this life changing choice in the most sober, and dark of circumstances. (Sober not meaning drunk, sober meaning clear headed).

Also, you say you're no saint either. You must look at yourself closely and see what role you play in making him act this way. It's no excuse for his behavior, but you play a part in this failing relationship and it may be bigger than you are willing to acknowledge.

Again. It's hard out there for a single mom. Think long and hard before doing anything drastic.

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]I am just wondering...

I recently let him know that I am not happy at all. He seemed completely shocked by this and has asked for a second chance but I feel like the damage has been done and I don't know if it is repairable and honestly am not sure that I even want to try anymore.

He is a jerk, plain and simple. Not that I am always easy to get along with either.... for the record.

He says he wants to change and I am like... why now? Why does it matter when you think I am leaving when it hasn't mattered for at least the last 3 years? In my experience, people really don't change. I am sure that there are some out there but I in my experience they are the exception and not the rule.

So you haven't been happy for 3 years.. but you're just now letting him know that? I think you owe him a 2nd chance if you let it get this far without saying anything, or without putting any good effort into talking it through with him.

But on the other hand, I think you sort of crafted it this way because you're sick of him and you want to leave anyways.

No, you're not obligated. Plain and simple

this same exact thing happened to me ( i was the a$$)
needless to say my wife of eight years left me. she took the kids, we have four, and left.

we were living in idaho at the time, she left for north carolina
now almost a year later.

i have only gotten to talk to my kids four times this year and i have no idea where they
are or how they are doing.

as far as i am concerned that is beyond wrong. i miss my kids more than can be
explained here.

the last time i talked to them my oldest daughter missed me so much she couldn't talk to me
through her crying. ( i was a VERY active father).


in the year that has passed since she left me i have grown as a person immensely and learned many things.

i believe i have changed for the better. it is the hardest thing in the worlsd trying to be a good husband.

sometimes it is hard to realize how messed up the situation is/was until you step back from it and look at it in panorama.

at any rate if you do leave the guy, just let him see his kids. because i know from expierience how hard it is to lose your children

Do you two ever take a little time for yourself? Do you have anyone who can watch the kids for the weekend so that you two can get away?

My wife and I have had a roller coaster ride of a relationship. It is probably my fault most of the time. Things have gotten better as we stick it out each time, maybe it makes us stronger?

I will tell you this, it takes a lot to get me angry. Yet, my wife knows which buttons to push and can get me angry pretty quick. I would imagine that you can do the same, and so can he. Just be careful not to hit those buttons if possible.

Show him affection. I could massage my wife, scratch her back, rub her feet, and things like that, but when I ask for some of that I never got it. It's a little better now because we talked about it, but we didn't talk about it until tshtf. We need to learn to talk BEFORE things get bad.

People do not change...but they do grow up.

A relationship is work.

Life is short. Best of luck.

The five top regrets of dying people

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Ask yourself these questions...Die with no regrets.

Top 5 Regrets of Dying People

you're not obligated to do anything. everything you do should because you want to do it. Don't make decisions based of external input.

Well if he hasn't cheated or done anything to terrible I definetly think he deserves a second chance........ESPECIALLY since he wants one. If he didn't care he wouldn't be there. However I would put him on notice and make him work for your attention, much like it was back when you were dating. Maybe put him on the couch? I dunno I'm not in your shoes, but if things are this rocky maybe consider some counseling and don't settle on the first one, make sure you both like him/her before you settle on one. A relationship takes a lot of work and there is a lot of hi's and low's as I am sure you have found out. I don't think you should have waited so long before getting help though. I mean if it were me and mine we would have been in counseling probably within 6 months or less even. Try to work it out as best you can because that which does not kill a marriage makes it stronger. Try to control your emotions as well and pay attention to when he is doing good and comment on his positive changes when there are some. Hang in there!