posted on Jul, 2 2011 @ 04:10 PM
By far it would be George Carlin, second is Sam Kinnison , third is Mitch Hedberg!
Carlin: I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Kinnison: You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don't send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, "You
know, we've been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn't BE world
hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A #&%!$ DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING'S
GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it's gonna be 100 years from now? IT'S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A #&%!$
DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don't live in them, as#%&!"
Hedberg:When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresnes, party of two, table ready for
Dufresnes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move
on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People
are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a
double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."