How did I become the bad guy!?!?

Can someone PLEASE explaing something to me!!!! My old best friend (who was 18) started dating my 14 year old sister, after I repeatedly told him to back off. Anyways... they've been dating now for over a year and my parents didn't do # about it.. not to mention he hangs out here now (when i'm not here because he's a coward) and the rest of my family likes him now!! and they all get mad at me when I say stuff about it and call em' all out on it. It's complete bull**** and it really pisses me off. I have made COUNTLESS intelligent arguments as to why it shouldn't be happening, and yet they all sit there like a bunch of retards and not 1 of them has come up with a valid reason as to why they should be allowed to date... I feel like i'm taking crazy pills

reply to post by Ketzer22


Your sister is a little young to be involved in a serious relationship, let alone dating. You didn't mention what kind of person this guy is, but he used to be your friend. So, unless you hung out with a real creep, it quite possibly could be better that she is dating this guy rather than somebody you don't know.

Are you possibly a little upset that she stole your friend away from you?

Personally, I'd be territorial about a minor dating someone older, especially if that person happens to be my friend. Oh for heavens sake! Anything is fair game with the love birds. And sure they may be getting along now but, ooo, they are still young. I can't image the drama when the younger sister breaks up with the dude. I guess all you could do is go along as if their relationship is not a big deal, watch and see what happens.

If it really bothers you so much then call the police, tell them your ex friend is having sexual relations with a minor (I'm not talking coal here people) and let them deal with it.

But...

Chances are...

Your family will hate you, for a while at least. Possible local media interest.

Your sister may hate you for life.

Your friend may go to jail/prison and get shanked in the shower or worse he might drop the soap.

Everyone in your neighborhood will know you're a grass: unless, you're a really good lier and can give it the "honest it wasn't me!"

People may have a real hard time trusting you for your whole life.

Slim chance IMO - People will thank you for you upstanding moral values and everyone will be happy.

:shk:

You can't live other peoples lives for them, that's why we live and learn...

Best of luck

MonKey

I was in a situation much like yours a few years back, Its very simple..You give him a beat down, or have your friends do it.

As a father of three young daughters, the oldest being nine, it sickens me to think of this situation. I, however, dont believe violence is the answer. It will only lead to trouble for you and their is no guarantee it will even work. The thing is your not thinking conspiritorial enough. BLACKMAIL. You have to either dig something juicy up on him or you will have to invent something but it has to be good enough for him not to want you exposing him. Good luck.

reply to post by ChiKeyMonKey


haha, what a way to start my morning, haha!

What you're going through is not easy, but it is perfectly natural. Even when your sister is six years your elder and almost 40, the impulse of the brother is to beat the snot out of anyone who goes after his sister. I'm pretty sure it's biological, something about providing enough adversity that only a worthy mate is allowed to strengthen the family line. It's the same reason fathers are overprotective of their daughters as well.

I think it's kind of...umm... well, let's just say your friend is robbing the cradle, IMHO, but if both of them are consenting, and her parents are consenting, and his parents are consenting, and they genuinely love each other, well... I mean, there's just not a whole lot of control you have, though there is something you can do.

Tell him you want to talk to him, man to man, in private. Don't make it threatening, just make it very clear that you love your sister very much, and you need to find out what his intentions are. When he meets you, and this is very important, don't beat the crap out of him.

Instead, ask him why your sister? What are his intentions? Where does he see this relationship going? Does he intend on marrying her? If he could marry her tomorrow, would he? How will he support her? What will he do if he gets her pregnant? Where will they live? How will he make sure she finishes out school? Does he seriously expect to keep dating her and remain faithful to a junior high girl while he's off at college and surrounded by parties and gorgeous women.

Don't be condescending, accusatory, or otherwise give him any reason to turn this into a fight. Instead, remain calm and rational. Make it clear that you are being adult about this, and if he expects to keep dating your sister, he'd best be adult as well. If he blows off your questions, or refuses to answer, then calmly let him know that if he's not man enough to take this seriously, then he's probably not grown up enough to date your sister.

There's few things young men hate more than being reminded that they're still little more than overgrown boys, and your calm adult delivery of it, combined with serious questions he needs to be asking himself, should at least plant the seeds of maturity that will make him realize that either there's no future in dating someone so much younger, or that, if there is, he has a lot of serious decisions and commitments to make.

If he does actually have a serious and satisfactory answer for these questions, then perhaps you need to take a step back and realize that, despite a rather disturbing age difference, maybe he's a stand-up guy and your sister could do a lot worse.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

[edit on 2/11/2008 by thelibra]

I have found that in most personal relationships of others it is best to just
mind my own business.

Then when their relationship goes south; I shout "I told you so" and revel in my acute awareness of human nature.

Some people above me have said some great ideas... Espicialy thelibra, and ChinkyMOnkey...

But i am going to have to side with the guy that was in favor with a goood old fashion BEAT-DOWN...

I had a very similar siuation...

My younger sister(4 years my younger), had met this guy, and i guess i didnt like the guy, i knew him to be a scmuck, so when i saw this guy in my living room with my sister, i dragged him outside, kicked his ass a little bit, and while he was down, i told him it straight, "if you serious about my sister, ill see you inside, if you not, get your Bleedin' A$$ off of my driveway!'... i never saw him again...

There are some good sugestions above... but there is some sort of familiarity between men and fighting, is it the best way to solve things, NO, is it a civilized way to solve things, NO, is it a safe way to solve things, NO.

But does it solve problems, YES...

I really think fighting is a sort of rite of passage for guys, i think it is VERY natural to fight, i think it is a telling sign of our times that so many of our boys, have NEVER been in a fight in thier lifes... its just not natural.

I have been in fights with some of my best friends...

there are levels of fighting too, sometime you fight eachother in peaceful times, just screwing around, fighting until someone gets thrown into something that shouldn't of broken... like fighting over the front seat of the car... or who gets to stand in line next to the girl...

Then there is the controled Brawl, a fight amounst frineds, but that goes farther then just screwing around, in a CB, you will throw you friend thru his closet doors, then jump off the bed trying to drop a knee on him, just fighting until someone submits...

Then there is a real fight, and i have only every realy been in one of these, when everything is game, and there are definate stakes on the fight, these fights are more then just a little shoving bettwen two guys, but usslaly invole groups of people, and there are not rules of enguagment, and anything that can be grasped by a human hand, becomes a weapon... no mercy, no submiting, its over one on groups stands over the vanquished and lays down thier terms...


Sorry for the tangent... but sometimes when reason breaks down... there is a call to arms... not everything can be solved by peaceful measures...

I'd back off of this completely even though it's wrong for your friend to be dating such a young girl. I've found, with my own daughter, if I hate one of her boyfriends and make a big deal out of the situation, she'll keep right on dating them to spite me. Keep your mouth shut about the entire thing, and let things run it's course...she's probably doing it to spite you.

Wow, I didn't expect this many replies so soon!! Thanks everyone who has posted, I'll address everyone's post.

Enthralled Fan- There is a difference between a guy I would want my sister dating and one of my friends. Not to say that my friends are by any means creepy- But I know for a fact he has already had sex with 2 girls (possibly 3 now that he's dated my sister for so long) One of the girls he had sex with was a complete tramp and they left one of the high school football games and went and did it in his jeep. Maybe I am a little bit pissed that he chose my 14 year old sister over his best friend, but who wouldn't be?

Pikypiky- it is very hard to go along with it like its no big deal. Because, to me, it IS a big deal.

Chikeymonkey- Very good ideas. I don't know what you mean by everyone will think I'm grass could you clear that up?

Tac109- I could very easily handle this kid. Really, it wouldn't even be a fight. I wrestled in high school and well, he is about as big as my sister. I would fight him but one time I slapped him in the face and he called his mom, who called the cops, and when I got home the cops were at my house. Luckily he didn't press charges.

solar513- Have any ideas about any blackmail I could use against him? Its going to be hard to blackmail him seeing as my family is sweating his nuts at this point in time. I already have an exit strategy from this house. I'm waiting for my last 400 dollars I'm getting for graduation, and my taxes back and I'm moving out. I probably won't talk to my family ever again. (And no, I don't think I'm being over dramatic)

Thelibra- Its not that I don't like any guy my sisters are involved with. I've liked her last 2 boyfriends, and I've liked my other sister's boyfriends. But I can see what you mean about an instinct to protect. Technically she CAN'T consent until she's 16 in ohio. She just starts crying whenever this debate comes up, and that's how she has won their support because now I'm the big mean heartless jerk. Having the talk with him has already proved fruitless. My cousin (he's 22) went out to have a talk with him to see why he was doing this, and the jackass just drove away while my cousin was standing there!! I couldn't believe it!!

Whaa- As I said earlier, that is very difficult.

Tkainzero- As I said earlier, I am all for beating his ass, but I KNOW the police would get involved. I'd go down, but I'd take him with me. I'm not really sure if I want assault charges on me at this stage in the game. He already filed a police report on me for slapping him that one time, do you know how long someone can act on a police report before it becomes void?

Jensouth- I've noticed this too.. it makes them forget their problems and makes them join against the greater evil.

Well, I got to everyone. One of my principal arguments is this "Do you want your daughter dating someone who is willing to trade their best friend in for my 14 year old sister? What kind of character does that show?" Nobody ever tries to answer that question in my house.

edit to add this little gem- One time when this girl told him that she just wanted to be friends he took 6 shots of bicardi 151 on a school night! (this is the first time he'd ever drank so he took them all back to back like an idiot) Then he came to school the next day hungover...

[edit on 11-2-2008 by Ketzer22]

Well man, if he won't answer your questions, then perhaps your sister will.
Same thing, as mentioned before, don't be a mean jerk to your sister, just sit her down and ask her "have you really thought about this? what if you get pregnant? does he intend to marry you? How will he support you? Is he going to stay faithful when he goes to college?" etc. etc. etc.

Ask her these things, and then let her know that you'll always love her, that you only want to protect her from all the horrible things in the world, but recognize that you can't. And if she is intent on dating this guy, that's her own business, you won't interfere, but she needs to be aware that since this guy is refusing to answer these questions, then maybe it's time she start asking them of herself.

Even if she says no, and blows you off, you will have planted a seed of reason within her, and rest assured at some point, she'll start asking her boyfriend these questions.

Worst case scenario, it's really sad, but sometimes our loved ones make stupid decisions despite all logic, reason, and advice. They make their own bed, and spend the rest of their lives either lying in it, or trying to figure out how to get back up. All you can do is be there for her as a calm voice of reason and love.

Yes your sister is too young to be seriosuly dating someone and yes I am sure it's a bit creepy for you to have one of your friends dating your little sister. However I agree with JenSouth, the more you obsess over ending this the more drama it causes and I don't know if you have noticed but 14 year old girls live off of drama.

Your sister needs to learn from life experience. I say let them be but just make sure to keep an eye on the situation from afar. I went out with a 17 year old player when I was 14 and let me tell you, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned a great lesson from it and I learned how to spot creeps from a mile away. Beating up someone and/or blackmailing them always comes back to bite you in the butt and it never really solves anything anyways.

I have one question though. Are you really concerned about your sisters safety or are you just mad about all of this because she is dating one of YOUR friends?

Well, if you do get so angry at him that you get into a fight, and he decides to be a idiot and press charges, turn it around and say that you were defending yourself.
As in.. You tried to talk to him about it and he became so angry he swung at you, etc.

I mean, who are they going to believe? You, or some adult that is dating a 14 year old girl?

-Will

(edit: someone U2U me and point out all my grammatical mistakes lol)

[edit on 11-2-2008 by Basilis]

reply to post by Ketzer22



A grass is another term for a snitch, a nark or a tattle tail, you know some one that rats you out.

The lowest person on the ghetto food chain. This person will often tell other people's bussiness, often times getting people arrested, evicted, or even killed. Snitches are hunted down like cattle, they destroy lives and credibility.

Urban Dictionary

I find the above link to be very useful when trying to understand anything that Lysergic says!

MonKey

reply to post by Basilis


Damn dude! I never thought about something like that LOL!! that is brilliant!! Bravo!!

Perhaps your friend should have consulted you about it before hand.
Have you tried to sit down calmly with your friend, and tell him your concerns about they're relationship?
If he wont listen, try what TheLibra said. But you gotta act concerned, and not angry. Anger doesn't help in situations like this.
Blackmail and giving him a beating, may sound like fun, but in the end, two wrongs don't make a right.
Your parents don't care about the 4 year difference between the two???

If I were in you're place, I'd have a sit down with him. Ask questions like the ones mentioned above, I.E., "Are you serious about my sister?" etc., etc.

After the questions are answered(or not answered, depending) calmly and seriously let him know that if he does your sister wrong he will have you to answer to afterwards, and that you would trade jail time to make sure he get what he deserved.

Considering you already said that you're bigger then he is, said intimidation should be rather effective. This will have 1 of two results:

1.) He's the right guy for your sister, they grow up and live happily together.

2.) He's a jerk, and since not many jerks are courageous fellows, he gets scared away.

Just be sure you're quite willing and ready to follow through on those words. Never bluff with these things. Always put your cards on the table, and let him know the possible repercussions before hand.

Also, remind him that this isn't a threat, simply a warning. He should have nothing to worry about until he actually does your sister wrong.

Sound fair or no?

[edit on 12-2-2008 by Voidmaster]

I have a thought. Maybe you could get some chick you know to sort of start flirting with this guy and see if he takes the bait. Even if she dumps him or poofs him off, your sister will see that he was willing to go for someone other than her and she'll drop your friend in a heartbeat. You can come in all sympathetic like and be the hero to both your friend and your sister. Be sure to pay the "bait" well for her efforts. Good luck.