I was in the 11th grade when one of my best friends killed herself. She killed herself by car fumes in the garage. She did this because her dad
sexually abused her.
She didn’t see anyway out. She couldn’t find a way out. She didn’t see that one day she would be out of there and can be on her own and find a
new life. So she killed herself.
I too have been through every abuse possible. There is nothing I didn’t experience at the hands of my so called dad. The meanest, nasty, rudest
man I would ever know.
I got depressed starting at the age of 6. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to run away. That only brought on more abuse. Today I am 39 years
old. I live with what happen to me in my life. I deal with it. I don’t talk to him. I don’t like him. I have that right not to like him. I
dare anyone to tell me different.
By the time I moved out at 18. I didn’t know what the heck to do. I hated life and everyone and everything in it. Every man I saw I called a
“Pr--K” and every woman a “bit--”. Were they. NO> But to me I hated everything so yes they were. When I say I hated everything I mean
I hated everything.
This can only go one direction. That’s right death. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want this life I had been given. I hated it. No one
understood what I had been through and no one cared.
I guess I made it to 19 when I had enough. So alone and without telling a soul. First thing I did was get on my knees and told God, “I’m going
to die now. Forgive me for what I am going to do. But, this life is not for me. So I am coming home.” I talked to God for a while and then I
did it. I took a bottle of pills and downed it with alcohol and I don’t drink. But, I was determined to die. No one was going to stop me.
I did get stopped because I’m sitting here typing to you, 20 years later. A husband and 3 kids later.
How did I live. Well on that night the phone rang and I answer it. Couldn’t talk though. I passed out before I got a word out. It just made me
move a little. 2nd thing a loud annoying knock at my door. I stubble to the door to find my boss. I had accidentally took the safe keys home with
me. (I was in charge of counting all money and locking up.)
He thought I was drunk and didn’t say anything. I gave him the keys and he left. I was pissed I was still alive. So I drank some more. I’m
suppose to be dead. Then a guy I was dating whose now my husband came by. Saw me and the empty pill bottle and empty alcohol bottle and carried me
to his car and to the hospital.
The doctor told him I should of already been dead. He didn’t know how I lived. Neither did I. I was pissed to say the least.
I should of died. I hated life. I hated everything. Yes, it was because I suffered abuse at the hands of my dad. He pointed guns at me and my
brother and sister more times than I can count. He beat us non stop. I have talked about it in this thread here.
www.belowtopsecret.com...'
Can you believe they wanted to put me on medicine. I was in the hospital for a month. Because, I wanted to die. Once, the doctor found out it was
abuse I was going through he did not put me on medicine.
However, later in life I thought I would talk about my problems to a doctor. A psychologist first thing he did was try and give me medicine. What a
joke. The doctors at the hospital already said I didn’t need that. They said get away from your dad.
I did. I got away. I don’t talk to him unless I have to cause of mom.
So my experience and my brother and sister who also suffers. My best friend who killed herself and another friend who also tried to kill herself
because she was raped by a friend of the family, tells me a lot. Abused people suffer with depression. Pills is not going to help us. Only
realizing that you can change your life and way of thinking.
You can get out of it. You don’t have to let it destroy the rest of your life just because someone was messed up in their head. This feels good
to talk.
[edit on 3-5-2007 by Shar]