Please help me if you can offer any advice!

Hi everyone,

This is hard for me, I've posted here before about my relationship problems and it helped to get things off my chest so here goes:

If you google relationship advice there's tonne of advice type sites but I thought bts was as good as any, it's hard to beat hearing individual responses from those who may have experienced similiar.

Okay, I will try to be brief,

I fell in love 2 years ago with a girl I work with,( im not young and im not old),she was married and sepearted with kids, she is a good bit older than me but that hasn't been a problem, although they say you shouldn't see people you work with we enjoyed a very healthy and amazing relationship for close on two years, my first serious relationship. We shared everything and became best friends and rarely if ever argued. Sexually we both had a lot of fun also and there were no problems there.
When I took holidays last year I returned to find her constantly texting and taking private calls on her phone, as we are very open, I found this strange and became slightly concerned, suspicious even. This continued until finally I could not take anymore and I asked her was there anything up as I thought it could also be a medical thing? She said no she was just having some trouble with her kids and that she was going through a hard time, I told her I was there for her and she seemed upset.
Things were weird after that and she continued to take calls / send texts even in my company, I didn't act but I (regret this) freaked out and began trying to find out who she was talking to.
Without going into detail I discovered it was a guy we both know, who I knew (I thought) much better than she did, I wasn't surprised as they have a lot in common (both seperated with kids) so i thought maybe they'd become good mates so I let it be.
However this gnawed at me until one day when she'd left work the suspicion got the better of me and I checked her computer for signs of emails, messages etc, I ddin't find anything but what I did do (amazingly) and stupidly was not delete what I'd done and next morning she discovered I'd been snooping. To say I wanted the world to swallow me up would be an understatement, but she acted quite calmly, I told her why I had been looking and she said there was nothing going on and that they were just friends and of course 'how could I disobey' her trust!
So she took her time and told me that she still loved me but she didn't have time for me anymore, my world fell apart, I didn't sleep, didn't eat and became depressed without her. The hardest thing was we still had to and still do work together every day.
I did everything to show her how guilty and sorry I felt, letters, flowers, gifts, saying sorry, everything, all I got was the same response, she still loved me but didn't have 'time' for me anymore.
Xmas has passed and although things had gone quiet I found out when we got a phonebill that she was still constantly ringing this guy usually when I was out of the office, this left me feeling even worse and I began to suspect she was having an affair with him again.
The reason I am writing this and I'm sorry for dragging this out is firstly, I love this girl more than anything in the world, I want to be with her and be part of her life again, I want us to be as happy as we were in the past.

BUT in the last few days, the table turned, I accidentally heard her discussing me over the phone with her 'friend', she basically was putting me down and making fun of me behind my back, this broke my heart, although I still feel like the guilty one for going behind her back last year I would never 'diss' her or talk like that about her to anyone, I love this person.
I feel sick, my world has fallen apart, I feel as bad as I did this time last year, she has shocked me, i realise now finally that I can never be with her again, although I don't think she is actaully cheating on me with this guy, he has become seemingly her best friend and she confides in him instead of me.
I feel I should confront her and let her know, that I know how she really feels about me, I'm embarassed to tell my closest friends as I hate the thought of admitting how my seemingly great relationship with this girl has deteriorated into a farce really.
I now feel fairly confident that when things started to go awry last year she was probably fed up with me and looking to move on but she didn't have the guts and possibly was happy when she had the opportunity to tell me it was over.
She has never actually said 'I don't love you anymore, or our relationship is over' she is far too clever, she has kept me hanging on, constantly running after her like a dog after the tail of a runaway car.
Now I have the ammunition (for want of a better word) to let her know that I know what her game is, I want her to go through what I have put myself thrpugh for the last six months, does this make me a bad person?
We still have to work together and I know that if I confront her things are going to get nasty and our friendship may dissolve along with the fact that work could become unbearable. The most pathetic thing is that i would still take her back in the morning, I still love her but how can I ever move on if I know that the person I love really resents me and is pretending to be my best friend when she quite clearly isn't.

Look I'm sorry folks I confused myself writing that, please no one line answers like 'tell her to go to hell' etc, if it was that easy i would, some female perspectives would be most welcome'. I am probably leaving out lots more detail but if I go on I'll need my own website!

Thank you.

Ouch! What a terrible situation...

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but yes she did have sex with this other guy while you were away, and probably lots of it.

There is NO other reason for her to be suddenly having all these private conversations with him and making it so it's none of your business...

Essentially this guy stole her from you while you were away. He did things with her in bed, or otherwise made her feel something that she felt she was missing with you, and now he is her "#1".

She has ALL the power right now. She's off having fun with this other guy, plus she still has you pining away for her, telling her you still love her and you're still there for her etc etc...

The first thing you need to do is stop telling yourself you still love her and still want to be with her! She BETRAYED you. She CHEATED on you. She LIED to you. And now she is STRINGING YOU ALONG, making you think there's still hope of getting her back when in fact there is none.

GET MAD ABOUT IT!

You have a right to be angry - and not just angry but ENRAGED. This woman HAS HUMILIATED YOU!!

The next thing you need to do is empower yourself again, because right now you are powerless.

Go out to a bar somewhere, get sloshed, and flirt with other women. You may not want to at first, it may feel "wrong" because you loved her so much, but it is the ONLY way to restore your dignity and empower yourself. Until you do so, you will remain "whipped" by this woman...

Thanks for replying but if you'll note above i mentioned I tried to keep it brief,
what I left out was that this girl developed a medical problem and actually had to have a rather serious operation within this period, and i can say for sure that she was definitely not having sex with anyone including me, okay that fact may
alter your thoughts on this dilemma but even if she hadn't, i need to know or at least have an idea of where to go from here.
I appreciate your suggestion of 'getting back on the horse' so to speak but to
be honest I couldn't even think about being with someone, even flirting right now, it's hard to move on, you wait all your life (in my case) for someone special to come along, then when they do, things go pear-shaped.
It's not revenge i'm after, at least i don't think so, I'm confused really, it is a f'd up situation, no doubt but I'm hoping that someone out there can relate.
thanks for your time.

Without trying to sound sexist: Be a MAN damnit...regardless of what most woman say externally, they without fail are turned off by a guy showing weakness. You are showiing weakness...You need to draw a line and say ok fine you feel that way, I DONT need you. THEN stick to your guns, regardless of the final outcome, you will feel better about yourself whatever way it resolves.

YOU are more important than anyone else (except maybe your own kids if you have them).

Man up dude

[edit on 27-1-2007 by Arkangel4time]

Originally posted by Arkangel4time
Without trying to sound sexist: Be a MAN damnit...regardless of what most woman say externally, they without fail are turned off by a guy showing weakness. You are showiing weakness...You need to draw a line and say ok fine you feel that way, I DONT need you. THEN stick to your guns, regardless of the final outcome, you will feel better about yourself whatever way it resolves.

YOU are more important than anyone else (except maybe your own kids if you have them).

Man up dude

[edit on 27-1-2007 by Arkangel4time]

Thanks.
I have mate!
Now I need a beer (or twelve)


:w:

Originally posted by pmexplorer
Thanks for replying but if you'll note above i mentioned I tried to keep it brief,
what I left out was that this girl developed a medical problem and actually had to have a rather serious operation within this period, and i can say for sure that she was definitely not having sex with anyone including me,

But if that's true, why didn't she try to contact you while you were away and tell you about it? Or at least tell you all about it as soon as you got back? And you said in your earlier post that at first she said it was a problem with her kids.... so why did she LIE about it?

Have you considered the possibility that she just made up this whole story as a cover story for an affair?

"Oh no dear, I wasn't having sex with someone I was in the hospital recovering from a serious operation which I didn't even bother to tell you about! Oh yes dear, I still love you very much, I just don't have time for you right now... - oh my phone's ringing, can you excuse me for ten minutes while I go off and have a private conversation with this OTHER GUY..."

Sorry but it still sounds like she is merely making up cover stories and pacifying you, because the two of you still work together and she doesn't want you blowing up at her at work...

I mean, have you had sex with her even once since you got back? Or even spent any time with her outside of work?

Sorry for not replyng sooner I appreciate anyone taking the time to read,
Im afraid I didn't detail my story properly.
To answer your question, no she did not make it up, I know that is a fact.
And I know it was also quite serious, so it wasn't an excuse for an affair.
Since I first posted I've been told by her that again she doesn't have time for me anymore and that shes not physicaly or mentally capable of comitting to a relationship which might be bs but I have to come to terms with it nevertheless.
She continues to speak to this guy and really it's not jealousy that gets to me it's the fact that despite the fact that we have always been as she says 'special friends' that she confides in someone else and speaks about me behind my back, my post really was asking for advice on how to adress this situation as I want her to know that I know she is doing this and that I shouldnt be the only one who has to take these thoughts home with me.