Funniest One Liner's you ever heard or used?

If you want tell where you heard it or used it, it will give a great visual, but you can just post your one liner too. And Mod's Say to Keep it Clean....

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

Anyone else?







[edit on 19-1-2007 by Realtruth]

The subject begs for one line posts. Forgive me.


"I do"

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. "

[edit on 19-1-2007 by Realtruth]

"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

My Uncle said this to me once. I almost crapped myself on the spot.



When saying fairwell to a male buddy, you say:

"Take'er easy....(Pause a second or two) and if she's easy, take her twice!"

[edit on 19-1-2007 by JbT]

Please keep it clean folks....I'm a heartbeat away from trashing this thread.

Originally posted by kinglizard
Please keep it clean folks....I'm a heartbeat away from trashing this thread.

Will do I just edited my first one. Sorry about that we will keep it clean from now on.

Thank you Sir.

Heres a clean one that busted me once when putting the finishing touches on some sort of construction.



Thats so close to heaven, well slide under the gate.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I don't know if this is applicable but If the King James version of the Bible was good enough for Jesus , Peter, Paul and Silus then its good enough for me.

Florida, you come her on vacation, leave on prabation and come back on violation.

[edit on 21-1-2007 by Burnt Offering]

That guy's nuts, grab em!!!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

You, get off my planet!

Heres to our wives and sweethearts, and may they never meet.

Im a uniter not a divider! George W Bush six years ago

I was driving with a friend of mine in my old car. It was a Dodge Viper. This was the first one sold in the North East so it attracted a ton of attention.

Anyway, I am at a light and this pick-up pulls along side of us and the three rednecks jammed into the cab are ogling the car and the one on the passenger side leans out of the window and says "y'all get a lot of p**sy in that car?"

I turn to the pick up, stick my thumb in the direction of my passenger friend (a guy) and say "isn't that the biggest p**sy you've ever seen?"

the guys were hysterical. I was hysterical.

my friend?

not so hysterical

I stole this from The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, but it works:
said in a hurried voice.
"quick, gimme your number before I change my mind"

Here's one an young hick used on his friend who he saw with a new girlfriend-



Hold on to her tight she got away from me last night.



That ones a lot funnier if you picture an ugly fellow with no teeth saying it.

[edit on 25-1-2007 by Burnt Offering]