Rodney Dangerfield joke of the day

12/19/03: "I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

12/20/03: "In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. "

12/21/03: "I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh...."

12/22/03: "Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!"

12/23/03: "Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another! "

12/24/03: "My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!"

12/25/03: "I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!"

12/26/03: "I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!"

12/28/03: "Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!"

[Edited on 12/28/03 by NotTooHappy]

12/29/03: " tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother. "

12/30/03: "Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!"

12/31/03: "I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh.... "

01/01/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I told her when I die I wanna be cremated. She's planning a barbeque. "

1/06/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it! "

01/07/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it. "

01/08/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me."

01/09/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. Why she kisses the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass."

01/10/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog! Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball. He waits for me to bring it back. "

01/11/04: "With the dog I don't get no respect. He makes me feel like I'm dirty. He jumps on my bed, and then he smells it for ten minutes before he lays down on it. "

01/12/04: "With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. "