Worrying about elderly relatives

Hi all.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

We are visiting family in Europe, so everything has been stressful and more tiresome. Me and my mom are in the kitchen at my aunt, and my mom is cooking something for my aunt, she is acting stressed out because the burner is slow to warm. I'm watching her from the dining table. She is acting a bit weird , in a haze , and is starting to stumble slightly. I jump up and ask her what's wrong , she says she's not sure, that she's not feeling well and she looks very distant/far away , really worrying. She's starting to slump, as she's trying to put down a pan. I freak out and manage to grab her from behind, and she says again she's not feeling well. Her knees are going and I have to gently let her slide to the floor. Off course I'm freaking out completely by now as she's 84 and for the first few minutes I thought she was dying She sitting on the floor now and acting a bit incoherent still.
She says she doesn't know what happened or why she's on the floor. She wants to sit in a chair now, so I help her up.

My ex, who's staying over as well, calls the local emergency number. An ambulance comes and my mom doesn't want to be helped or go to the hospital. Luckily she's willing to go in the end and doesn't have to stay very long.
The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I haven't been able to feel okay anymore, nothing feels the same. I keep watching her for behaviour/medical changes etc.
I can't relax or feel at ease anymore.
I hate seeing a loved one feeling anxious, sad, fearful or vulnerable. I saw all that in my mom at that moment


I'm so sad . I worry I won't ever feel the same about my mom again, what few years are left .
I have a very small family, if my mom passes , there's an older favorite aunt, a distant brother , and my ex , that's it. I have a child , but in terms of adults, very few people.
I think dealing with this would be easier with a bigger family .

Well, thanks for letting me ramble

a reply to: ancientlight

I'm in the same position with my mother, who is in her early 80s also and is facing a fairly major surgery in the new year. She's been in a slow decline for a few years, and the recovery will be long, the surgery risky... in short, the Black Rider is indeed in sight, if not yet in the stable waiting.
Can come any time, though, for any of us.
I'm not on my own relative-wise after she goes, but damn close.
Been doing a lot of spiritual work to get better at what will and must come, while trying in the meantime to be in present tense mode.
Death often feels like fear, and fear of death a living death.

a reply to: ancientlight

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

I could be considered an elderly relative.

The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I have done that twice earlier this year pushing myself and became dehydrated .

It is worrisome, scary, and inevitable but it is also what a child does for their parent, especially if they were good parents. Just got my Mom past some heart issues she is doing great with her new pacemaker but we are seeing some signs of memory fading and have fears of dementia like our grandmother on her side had. All you can do is hold on and do the best you can and be blessed by the time you have with them.

originally posted by: Gothmog
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

I could be considered an elderly relative.

The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I have done that twice earlier this year pushing myself and became dehydrated .

This is a good point, it can be hard to get the elderly to drink enough water, hell Ive done it and I'm 58. You forget or you don't feel well, then some people have bladder control issues. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there.

a reply to: ancientlight

Very sorry to hear that, maybe the stress of the vacation?

Try to convince her to go for a more complete examination, I think that would also ease your mind a bit.

I think Goth may have called it with dehydration too.

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: Gothmog
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

I could be considered an elderly relative.

The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I have done that twice earlier this year pushing myself and became dehydrated .

This is a good point, it can be hard to get the elderly to drink enough water, hell Ive done it and I'm 58. You forget or you don't feel well, then some people have bladder control issues. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there.

I am just a bit older and was trying to do way too much at once over a long period of time .

Make durn sure your aunt gets a checkup very soon .

a reply to: ancientlight

I am not sure if this will help you, but I hope you get something out of it.

I am no spring chicken, and my 88 year old Mother lives with me. I see her every day so it is easier for me to recognize when she is not feeling well, or is a little off. Sometimes, even when I mention it, my siblings are completely blind to it. I think partly because they do not want to think about the inevitable.

Mother is not the person she was, just five years ago. As she ages she loses the ability to do many of the things that she was able to do with ease. She goes through periods of denial, but because she lives with me, I not only can see what is happening, I too am experiencing many of the same issues.

So much changes, and it happens so insidiously that at times you feel like you are blindsided. You can no longer ignore it when it smacks you in the face. For me it is not a case of denial, it is a case of defiance. I know that I am not doing myself any favors by ignoring the weakness, fatigue, aches, pains, and muddling through.

I don't do this out of pride, I do it because I do not want to become a burden to anyone in my family. My family is so loving and attentive. My Brother brings my Mother and I dinner every night, even when we tell him that we are fine. I have siblings that call daily. Some weekly, but all 7 of them call no less than twice a month. I am the oldest. There was 10 of us, and we were all very close.

It is because of their love, kindness, and generosity, that I do not ever want to be viewed as a burden. I see this in my Mother's eyes every time I look at her. She is always struggling to do more than she should. It is not wise. We both know that, but we share a little understanding about the why.

Your Mother sounds like she was maybe a little overwhelmed, and interruptions in routine, can often make us old folk a little off-kilter.

I pray that your Mother will return to her full measure of health and wellness. I have found that love, understanding, space, listening, and allowing as much independence as can be managed safely, is the best that I can do for my Mom. Even though it is not always the easiest thing to do.

a reply to: ancientlight

I'm really sorry for your mother's health scare and your vacation turned to stress and worry.

As an aged parent I can tell you my greatest fear is for the sadness my children will feel when I leave. All have gone on to make lives of their own and live in other states, except the 'baby'. She's my biggest worry, as we visit weekly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is your mom is probably as worried about you as you are about her. I agree that a full check-up would be wise to set everybody's mind at ease.

My grandmother developed an irregular heartbeat in here late 80's and ended up getting a pacemaker. She lived on her own until passing in her sleep at 101.

I'd tell you to try not to worry too much, but know how silly that sounds. Wishing you and your mom the best.
Nugget

a reply to: ancientlight

Best wishes to your mother, aunt and family.

originally posted by: Gothmog

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: Gothmog
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

I could be considered an elderly relative.

The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I have done that twice earlier this year pushing myself and became dehydrated .

This is a good point, it can be hard to get the elderly to drink enough water, hell Ive done it and I'm 58. You forget or you don't feel well, then some people have bladder control issues. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there.

I am just a bit older and was trying to do way too much at once over a long period of time .

Yep, I don't drink enough, it's easy not to do. I forget, Ive started drinking 8-10 ounces right when I fill up my water bottle and then fill it up again immediately. Ive heard what we actually need is more based on your size and it also needs to be spread out over the day.

We try and keep an eye on Mom and make sure she drinks enough, even her doctor said she needs at least 48oz of water alone, but many Mom loves her coffee which means she probably needs more than that.

a reply to: ancientlight

Dear? She's 84. Blessed to have even 1 day. One day? It's us that becomes them!

All as it should. God Bless. You're a good daughter.

a reply to: ancientlight

PS Me. 70. COVID. Christmas Eve. Home now. We all have our time....best

a reply to: ancientlight

I'm eleven years younger than your mother and i can see both sides here.

I hope she's got a regular doctor and that she documents her health (I suspect she doesn't; few people do) and takes her meds regularly.

There can be a number of things that would cause something like this, including dehydration - but also intermittent tachycardia (very rapid heartbeat for no reason) or fibrillation (ventricular fibrillation or atrial fibrillation) or even transient ischemic attacks (TIA's, also called "mini strokes" though they're not actually strokes) Certain conditions (low thyroid) may also cause problems along with a list of Weird Little Things that have a significant impact.

Like urinary tract infections. You'd think these would be a non-issue, but a sub-clinical (detected only by lab tests) UTI can throw someone for a loop. This is particularly true if they have something else wrong, like diabetes or Parkinson's. A UTI can cause someone to act confused or in a manner very unlike their usual selves.

UTIs can occur when someone doesn't drink enough fluids (which can also lead to kidney stones and a whole 'nother boatload of Not-Fun-Stuff)

Tachycardia/a-fib/v-fib (which was the cause of my mother's death) can be hard to catch if it's an occasional thing.

Intermittent tachycardia/a-fib/v-fib or leukemia are both very common conditions in people over age 80 and they are not fatal as a rule unless untreated. If she'll wear a watch, get her one of those cheap "health monitoring" watches and look at her heart rhythms. It's a lot less invasive than the Holter monitor that they would have her wear if they suspected a-fib or v-fib

All of these are easily controlled by medication.

So I'd say a really good clinical workup would be the best first step and making sure she sees the doc regularly (I see mine every 3 months but it's just a "hi... how ya feeling? Need any meds" in-and-out visit.) and seeing if there's some way to check for intermittent tachycardia (like the sports watch)

My sports watch also does an O2 check, which I find useful.

Thank you all for the kind replies. We also all had a shock when we first arrived at my aunt (she's 93). We last saw her 3 years ago, and she's much thinner, her hair is a mess now, her face gaunt. and she seemed more confused
I have 4 more aunts that I don't care enough about if they live or die (sad I know , but it's mutual) . This aunt I"ll be devastated if something happens to her I would visit her many times in my 20s , stay for a few nights and it was so cozy.
Then I was more or less forced to leave the country (long story) and saw her much less. Just again from 2007 once a year or two instead.

At least all this worry will help me lose weight. Other years I'd eat tons of European candy, cookies, chocolate etc, now I barely have had any.

originally posted by: RedKaliBlack
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm in the same position with my mother, who is in her early 80s also and is facing a fairly major surgery in the new year. She's been in a slow decline for a few years, and the recovery will be long, the surgery risky... in short, the Black Rider is indeed in sight, if not yet in the stable waiting.
Can come any time, though, for any of us.
I'm not on my own relative-wise after she goes, but damn close.
Been doing a lot of spiritual work to get better at what will and must come, while trying in the meantime to be in present tense mode.
Death often feels like fear, and fear of death a living death.

I'm so sorry to hear that . The wait must be devasting on itself and the sadness about what your mom must be worried about even worse I hope you get through this. Keep us updated if you feel like talking about it maybe in this thread?

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: Gothmog
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, worrying about elderly relatives?

I could be considered an elderly relative.

The doctor thinks she just fainted from exhausting herself too much.

I have done that twice earlier this year pushing myself and became dehydrated .

This is a good point, it can be hard to get the elderly to drink enough water, hell Ive done it and I'm 58. You forget or you don't feel well, then some people have bladder control issues. I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there.

Oh yes, she's always refusing to drink more water, and damn stubborn too !

originally posted by: Byrd
a reply to: ancientlight

I'm eleven years younger than your mother and i can see both sides here.

I hope she's got a regular doctor and that she documents her health (I suspect she doesn't; few people do) and takes her meds regularly.

There can be a number of things that would cause something like this, including dehydration - but also intermittent tachycardia (very rapid heartbeat for no reason) or fibrillation (ventricular fibrillation or atrial fibrillation) or even transient ischemic attacks (TIA's, also called "mini strokes" though they're not actually strokes) Certain conditions (low thyroid) may also cause problems along with a list of Weird Little Things that have a significant impact.

Like urinary tract infections. You'd think these would be a non-issue, but a sub-clinical (detected only by lab tests) UTI can throw someone for a loop. This is particularly true if they have something else wrong, like diabetes or Parkinson's. A UTI can cause someone to act confused or in a manner very unlike their usual selves.

UTIs can occur when someone doesn't drink enough fluids (which can also lead to kidney stones and a whole 'nother boatload of Not-Fun-Stuff)

Tachycardia/a-fib/v-fib (which was the cause of my mother's death) can be hard to catch if it's an occasional thing.

Intermittent tachycardia/a-fib/v-fib or leukemia are both very common conditions in people over age 80 and they are not fatal as a rule unless untreated. If she'll wear a watch, get her one of those cheap "health monitoring" watches and look at her heart rhythms. It's a lot less invasive than the Holter monitor that they would have her wear if they suspected a-fib or v-fib

All of these are easily controlled by medication.

So I'd say a really good clinical workup would be the best first step and making sure she sees the doc regularly (I see mine every 3 months but it's just a "hi... how ya feeling? Need any meds" in-and-out visit.) and seeing if there's some way to check for intermittent tachycardia (like the sports watch)

My sports watch also does an O2 check, which I find useful.

Thank you for this! I will look into these issues , try to persuade her to mention them to her doctor (an impossible task )
And i will look into a wrist health monitor for her (which she'll refuse to wear )

My concern now is the remaining two weeks here and the flight back (Amsterdam to Orlando) She will refuse anything now, if I can persuade her when back home that will be a miracle, but absolutely not now. I'm worried something happens again in that time ? And I remember she had a TIA in the past , a while ago, maybe 15 years or so?
She was monitored in the hospital here a bit , on Christmas eve, and the paramedics that picked her up did mention possible heart rythm irregularites, though the hospital didn't pick anything up ,and no meds were prescribed. She also snores, don't know if that could be heart problem related. The doctor also mentioned anemia.

a reply to: ancientlight

Yip i am at that age of worrying about my elderly parents also my mothers near 80 now and falling regularly now , I was also keeling over very regularly and for some reason i would only remember if i broke something when falling or damaged myself with black eyes it turned out i was on a strong dose of blood thinners after many heart attacks , as soon as i got up from sitting down or sleeping i got one or two steps then timber down i would go , When they reduced the dosage all is fine .

Good luck with your mum