My last 8 months threw hell. Lockdown experience from one persons perspective

Hello fellow ats members. I haven’t logged in here In a long time it seems and I have some problems in life beginning to get out of hand. I was just maybe hoping to share my story so far during g this lockdown and how it has effected me in ways I never thought it would.

This post isn’t searching for any sympathy as I know I’ve caused all of my problems and mistakes. Maybe I’m looking for a little advice if anyone has had similar experiences and came out the other side in one piece tho.

I’ll start by saying for the past 3 years I’ve been living in a home me and my brother bought together. Me and my bro get along like best friends and that hasn’t changed. A large problem From the beginning is we agreed to let my mother live with us untill she could get her own place since she needed the help, fast forward to around December of this year and me and my brother have lost any hope of her being independent ever again. She lost her social security because of some sort of sneaky stuff she was doing a while ago that I’m not 100% aware of still, she actually gave up her section 8 housing with some excuse but I’ve heard her talk on the phone to her one friend saying she couldn’t bare living alone. Her health has gone completely out the window with copd from cigarettes smoking. She quit that but now has begun spending any penny she gets on marijuana Wich she obsessed over constantly to the point of pure insanity. This is all up to December.

Now In early January I came home from work one day and just happend to want another coffee so I could get some work on the house done. As I do this I find her on the floor convulsing and having hard time breathing, she could talk but it was all mumbling to I called the ambulance thinking she overdosed of something. The police were no help when they arrived assuming she took her prescribed meds and was having a bad reaction but since she was awake and denying having had taken anything abnormal by then they couldn’t take her in. My father on the phone had the idea to have the medics check her o2 levels. They did this and it was somewhere around 70% Wich I’m told is basically near death. I think it was covid before anyone knew since everyone in my house was really sick too around that time but with her copd she’s lucky I found her when I did.

Ever since then this seems to have effected my life severely in cascading waves of depression anxiety and in conclusion in the last few months heavy alcohol abuse up to a couple days ago. Let me explain. My mother was put in the hospital for 3 days and complained the whole time to me for thinking this was a overdose Wich to me it looked like. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. Then when she came home she seems to have exelerated In her neurotic, depressive, sociopathic behaviors while letting her health go while at the same time seeming to have changed her attention from acting like my mother to acting like a rouge teenager And a frail old woman at the same time where I’m the parentAnd caretaker trying to control my home situation with her and live some sort of normal life.

Here comes the lockdown, covid-19.
This has had us all locked up together and I know by no means my situation is the worst but it has gotten me to a point in my life I never thought I’d be in. At first having to be around my mother all hours of every day the first month or two was annoying. But seeing her behavior during this time go from bad to completely uncontrollable while at the same time she seems to need more constant interaction with me, and my brother for that matter has become absolutely maddening. I’ve lashed out in huge bouts of anger And rage that when I look back is scary. Around April I began more and more drinking alcohol at night some weekdays just to get some rest from the stress, but weekend drinking plus the addition of risky weekday drinking led up to almost daily blackout sessions. My health seems ok still but this I know is in my hands to change or just let go to #.

This past weekend I think I made the biggest mistake of my life while blackout drunk and I almost know I’m screwed. We were at a friends house and playing trailer park boys monopoly after a long day of drinking. Pretty heavy drinking, Next thing I know is I’m driving back to his house with his girlfriend not knowing what happened or where we went but when we arrived needless to say everyone thought the inevitable and I’m starting to basically come to grips with what I did if so and I don’t think I can live with myself. He’s one of my best friends For 15+ years and I don’t know how I could have fooled around with her but if I did I don’t know if I can live up to it.

I feel like the past 6 months have just flashed by and left me a complete waste of who I’be been. I always been the reliable friend who seems like anyone could ask me anything and expect some sort of reasonable brotherly advice but I feel like after these few months of what seems like a long term mental breakdown on my part has left me with horrible consequences.

I’m only 3 days sober as of now and it seems as though me and his girlfriend talked our way out of it Somehow but I know you can’t get away with something like that and it’s really killing me inside. I just want to move away from this life get sober and somehow change things around but it seems like I’d be running from so many problems and creating new ones leaving my mother basically homeless and forcing my brother to sell with me and selling wouldn’t make sense for him at all. He hasn’t had the problem I’ve been having and I’ve been keeping my daily drinking as hidden as I could untill lately.

I’ve tried talking to him and friends about it but they look at me like “just stop you idiot” and that’s exactly what I would have said a year ago. I know this is a long and possibly hard to follow story but this is my covid-19 story so far. I’m at the beginning of trying to fix the mess I’ve made but I don’t know if it’s possible.

For years I’ve had dreams that I murdered and stuffed a body in a drawer of my childhood dining room. The feeling of dread waking up always went away but now I have that exact same feeling in real life and it’s hard to describe this feeling.

I will try to live a better life but this is a long bumpy road I’m starting on. I hope everyone here the best and hope you get threw this lockdown in one piece

Buy a tent and go camping.

a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

Its not the lockdown tipping you, its the deep seeded resentment of your mother, face it you neither like her or her dependence on you boys.

But seriously now....... you can start acting like a grown up or youcan continue to dive down the rabbit hole of self destruction.

The most concerning part of your story is your dreams of murdering "someone" and stuffing them in a draw though isn't it - because very likely we know who that is.

Seriously get help and get it quick before you do something you simply cannot live with and then join the suicide statistics.

Furthermore posting this sort of stuff is not smart because no one is going to be able to tell you what you already know.......all your doing is advertising your skeletons for the world to read. Very stupid indeed.

a reply to: CthruU
Help is certainly what I’m looking into. And it is absolutely a deep seated resentment for her, I just felt and have been feeling like with hardly much interaction with The outside world other than work and internet it’s sped up every deep seated problem between us 10 fold. And yes these may be some skeletons I’m talking about but stupid to ask for advice from a forum I’ve trusted and visited for 14 years? Maybe but if help is what I’m looking for at I’m trying....camping sounds great I haven’t spent a weekend in the woods since last year now.

a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

Stay strong.
I know it might suck but, at your Mom's age, give her a free pass...she is your mom.
Try to get addicted to being sober.

As for going camping, nature and solitude does wonders.
Good luck.

a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

I’ve tried talking to him and friends about it but they look at me like “just stop you idiot” and that’s exactly what I would have said a year ago. I know this is a long and possibly hard to follow story but this is my covid-19 story so far.

People who aren't die hard alcoholics don't understand how its almost impossible to "just stop" when you're an addict.

You seem to realize that you have a problem, and that's the first step towards doing something about it. People call it "falling off the wagon." But its really more like you jump off the wagon when an alcoholic starts drinking again. I myself have struggled with several relapses during this whole year with my Dad passing away, to this crazy lockdown nonsense, my dog getting a spleen tumor, etc. If you're drinking to escape reality, there will always be a million reasons to get smashed as long as you're breathing.

I too have dealt with a overbearing crazy mother. I don't know what advice I can give you except I am a big believer in prayer and redemption. Could'nt hurt to try, and its one of the few things in life thats free.

I have to wonder how many alcoholics have had relapses during this crazy time with the AA meetings closed and the liquor stores open. It's a struggle only someone whos been there can understand. I do know you have to fix yourself before you can help your brother or anyone else.

originally posted by: pryed -eyed-one
a reply to: CthruU
Help is certainly what I’m looking into. And it is absolutely a deep seated resentment for her, I just felt and have been feeling like with hardly much interaction with The outside world other than work and internet it’s sped up every deep seated problem between us 10 fold. And yes these may be some skeletons I’m talking about but stupid to ask for advice from a forum I’ve trusted and visited for 14 years? Maybe but if help is what I’m looking for at I’m trying....camping sounds great I haven’t spent a weekend in the woods since last year now.

I hear you man and empathize but reality of it is noone here really gives a toss.......its just entertainment at your expense dude........Think about it.

Get professional help ditch looking for it here cause if you do something stupid then at least whilst in professional care you may end up in a care facility and released but discussing it here only shows future prosecutors that you where well aware of your thoughts and thus will be deemed sane and of to max security prison you go.

Seriously man heed my words.

a reply to: DrumsRfun thank you my friend. So far I’m trying. Being sober for me isn’t hard when I’m alone but for about since April it’s been hard around the people I live with. It’s hard to describe but I’m sure it’s not unusual in people traveling tword heave addiction. I have 2 weeks vacation I can take I should spend a good portion of that in nature reconnecting possibly to something I need from nature.
The worst thing for me is I may have hurt my friend to a point there’s no return. I know what it’s like to be cheated on and I wouldn’t have taken it easy or even listened to what we said. I don’t even remember anthing that happened Accept basically pulling into his driveway but apparently we were gone 2 hrs. I screwed up bad if anything did happen. I love my friend like a brother.

originally posted by: Cancerwarrior
a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

I’ve tried talking to him and friends about it but they look at me like “just stop you idiot” and that’s exactly what I would have said a year ago. I know this is a long and possibly hard to follow story but this is my covid-19 story so far.

People who aren't die hard alcoholics don't understand how its almost impossible to "just stop" when you're an addict.

You seem to realize that you have a problem

Addicts are addicts - alcohol, nicotine, dope, whatever the vice.

I'll call rubbish that others don't know what it takes to stop.

If someone wants to stop they will stop. Its the mindset thats to be controlled not the vice.

I know someone will have a go at me but

"My last 8 months threw hell."

Should be

"My last 8 months through hell."

Don't bother abusing me because I will not answer.

a reply to: acrux
Haha you got me there my spelling Went to the wayside after high school

a reply to: CthruU
You are right. Maybe shouldn’t ask for help online. Idk it seems like no matter where you look for help someone will be against that method so here I am.

originally posted by: acrux
I know someone will have a go at me but

"My last 8 months threw hell."

Should be

"My last 8 months through hell."

Don't bother abusing me because I will not answer.

Dont answer.

He's been sobber three days and is emotionally distraught so give him a break.

But

Thanks for proving my point that people dont care and its just entertainment to them.

Would it kill you to show a little encouragement.

Go hide back under that rock you been hiding under........

Bet you answer.

a reply to: CthruU

I'll call rubbish that others don't know what it takes to stop.

Spoken like someone whos never used a substance as a crutch.

Knowing you should stop, and knowing how to stop are two completely different things. Just sit in an AA/NA meeting sometime and you'll hear people talk about it over and over again. Nobody starts off drinking a case of beer or entire bottles of Vodka. Notice I did'nt say its impossible to stop, but it is damn sure hard for people who have used whatever substance to cope with the stresses of life. You have to develop coping mechanisms that aren't self destructive and some people just don't know how to go about it without help.

a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

Not everyone is negative and paranoid online, don't listen to the negative stuff.

noone here really gives a toss.

He doesn't speak for everyone, its just his opinion.

If you are at rock bottom than there is no way to go but up.
Take it, walk through it and you will feel like a better man.

I'll always suggest nature to center yourself.
Out there, the only person to take credit or blame is you because you are alone.

originally posted by: Cancerwarrior
a reply to: CthruU

I'll call rubbish that others don't know what it takes to stop.

Spoken like someone whos never used a substance as a crutch.

Knowing you should stop, and knowing how to stop are two completely different things. Just sit in an AA/NA meeting sometime and you'll hear people talk about it over and over again. Nobody starts off drinking a case of beer or entire bottles of Vodka. Notice I did'nt say its impossible to stop, but it is damn sure hard for people who have used whatever substance to cope with the stresses of life. You have to develop coping mechanisms that aren't self destructive and some people just don't know how to go about it without help.

You got no idea sunshine - spoken by someone who has done it all but doesn't feel the desire to advertise it to you simpletons.

I'm right end of story and only the very very very very weak in the mind will not recognize this simple truth.

a reply to: CthruU

I'm right end of story

That seems to be more and more of a typical response on ATS these days.

Whatever you say buck-o.

originally posted by: DrumsRfun
a reply to: pryed -eyed-one

Not everyone is negative and paranoid online, don't listen to the negative stuff.

noone here really gives a toss.

He doesn't speak for everyone, its just his opinion.

If you are at rock bottom than there is no way to go but up.
Take it, walk through it and you will feel like a better man.

I'll always suggest nature to center yourself.
Out there, the only person to take credit or blame is you because you are alone.

Oh yea, denial at its best - "negative and paranoid" please have you read my posts in full.

Still holding that grudge i see.

a reply to: CthruU
I appreciate both your responses. Believe me I know these types of rants are a laughing stock to most people but maybe there’s someone out there with a similar experience who’s a little further down the road than me with soMe advice is all I was looking for. Any heartless posts are expected really but that’s the beauty of open forum

The one item no one spoke of is the friends, girlfriend. Unless you forced her, it takes two to play. She gets 50% of the credit.

About the mom, see a Social Security attorney and a social worker. Your mom needs to go.

About your brother, it’s time to have a long, long talk.

Life is to short to be miserable.