Random Thread

So I got real drunk and convinced my wife that our clothes are the same size. So she had me wear her swimsuit "with little to no convincing" and I did a sexy photo shoot. Now she found a 60 percent off coupon to make a blanket out of one of the photos where I'm peaking around my shoulder all sexy. So now I have local workers crafting giant renditions of the oddest looking set of pictures ever taken.

It's 2020, I'm told I'm number 138 in the queue for the call line for customer service. Let's play this man some vaudeville for his wait. That seems time appropriate. The last time I was even in a bar with a piano I got yelled at for playing it. What the hell is this life? It was a damned blues bar. I was a regular performing musician. And now I have to listen to this crap...

Rant over.

Bastard meth head neighbors called the police on me for parking along the curb in front of their house for 10 hours while our driveway was being redone. Damn near got towed for an "overtime parking violation." In a residential neighborhood. Just got back from the corner stop for a pack of smokes and this dude's just mean mugging me. Someone call Wayne Brady, because I need to choke a bitch.

a reply to: sine.nomine

I used some personal methods to look it up. I was sent the mugshot of the man arrested for meth, so I was correct, along with various violent crimes. Now I'm afraid for my wife that this dude has it out for us. He lives across the street. Our house was just broken in to. Thank god I'm armed, and we have training with firearms. BTW, if I wasn't scared I'd send a picture of this dude. Woof.

Earlier today I felt bad because I'm nebraskan and I ate two ears of corn for a snack. Nobody should feel guilty about sweet corn.

After more legal advice today:

I am become death, destroyer of grammar.

It's weird how a scab itches as it heals, but a scar itches for years after healing. Does this happen to anyone else?

Or is it really healed?

Next time I have surgery, I'm going to challenge the surgeon to a game of Operation. He better win at least 3 out of 5.

a reply to: infolurker

You know about that? We are not supposed to talk about that openly.

Now you've done it; you're marked as well

originally posted by: TheConstruKctionofLight
a reply to: infolurker
You know about that? We are not supposed to talk about that openly.

Now you've done it; you're marked as well

Its really akin to a time lapse. It happens, and you forget about it until someone brings it up. Suddenly years later you forget the details, but you know you've never talked to that person who brought it up ever again.

Glitchy

I think it'd be hilarious if a squirrel ran across the line as that dude was tight rope walking across the grand canyon in 2013, chirping insults and all.

Pull your pants up really high. Love handles? Gone.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
Pull your pants up really high. Love handles? Gone.

I can't help but conjure up the image of Lisa Burger from South Park.

What if God got fired?

All hell would break loose.

No, wait. That's what would happen if Satan got hired.

My mistake.

Speaking of hiring and firing, I've been looking for a job recently. It has not been a positive experience; hiring managers frown upon the fact that my unemployment history has small gaps of employment.

During the election of Trump, my brother in law angrily sent me a stream of texts. My wife and I, with no dog in the fight, only replied with one line at a time of the song "Girlfriend is Better" by Talking Heads. We got through the whole song before he calmed down enough to realize what was happening. A true example of people not actually interested in conversation.

Bless his heart.

Maybe this shouldn't be read... Sorry..

An Episcopalian, a presbetarian, a lesbian, and a pescetarian walk into a bar. The bartender says I dont know whats going on here, but it smells fishy.