A Welcome Diagnosis

I always knew I was different. I knew something wasn’t quite right with my interactions with others and my lack of desire for any social situations. I had a knack of saying the wrong thing and offending others and not understanding why it bothered them. Finally I know why. I have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Now, you may wonder why a 52 year old man is so happy about his diagnosis. The main reason is it finally explains me and my reactions and views towards others and the world around me. I have never been interested in parties or social interaction. I have always had difficulties with empathy and sympathy. I value pure logic over emotions and it has always been hard for me to connect in any meaningful way with people. I would much rather be alone with a book or my thoughts than deal with other human beings. I knew I wasn’t sociopathic, but then what exactly was I?

I am not sure where this journey will take me, but I am so damn relieved to find this out about myself. It explains me and how my brain simply works differently from others. It allows me to explore myself without all the prior judgements I was making regarding my feelings, preferences and behaviors. It is a new opportunity that after 50+ years I can finally move forward.

When I was younger no one talked about autism or understood that someone could function in society (at least in a limited way) and still have issues. I knew I was a basically good person, but one who didn’t enjoy other people or social interaction. I knew I had trouble making friends and forming relationships. I knew I was different.

Now I know.

Well...that explains a lot for us too.

Seriously, or at least more seriously, I am happy to hear that for you. You are ATS fambly after all.

originally posted by: The GUT
Well...that explains a lot for us too.

Seriously, or at least more seriously, I am happy to hear that for you. You are ATS fambly after all.

Thank you.

It is a relief not to have to judge myself for being different. It explains a lot of confusion I have had throughout my life when dealing with people.

Congratulations?

I don't know whether that was appropriate but you seem happy about it. How many people go through life never really knowing? I imagine there are quite a few that are somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum or similar, never quite understanding what is different, but feeling something is.

And how many people have a hard time understanding emotions in others or feeling empathy, but they are not psychopaths or sociopaths, as you said as well?

The journey of getting to know ourselves is the most interesting one.

a reply to: Mahogany

Definitely a congrats. I needed to know.

a reply to: Metallicus

Congratulations on learning more about yourself as many are afraid to.

Props for being optimistic.

And differences are good, reading your responses I can tell it's in no way a disability, you just prefer different things/situations.

a reply to: Metallicus

ASD ? I think you are just making that up to justify your immaturity.

Just kidding of course Met.

I find it interesting that there are so many ''disorders'', so many that it really calls into question the whole notion of ''order'' in the first place huh? Limitations if you will. We have been conditioned for so long to believe that there is a ''right way to be'' and the ''wrong way to be''. That those who be in the ''wrong way'' are just stupid or ignorant or ''bull headed''. Generally taking ourselves to be a template for how everyone else should or could be.

I used to think that way. But then I found I had dyslexia, while certainly not as encompassing as your ASD, still it limited my chosen life directions by not knowing about it sooner.

Another short coming it of mine that took me ages to discover has to do with my vocal chords. Back in the day I was a musician and singer. My choir directors would tell all the men to ''open up your throats '' and sing from low in your diaphragm to get better and more resonant tone. I tried and tried and tried but never seemed to be able to do it. My brother did and went on to a career of singing and entertaining but I just couldn't do it. I always blamed myself for not trying hard enough. I was a failure.

But then several years ago I discovered I had a hernia in my larynx or some such thing and that proved to be that no matter how much I tried and tried I was never going to open up my throat as others seemed to so easily.

And again those simple physical problems were trivial compared to what you are finding out about yourself. I"m just trying to find a compassionate comparison.

You have always seemed a dichotomy to me Met, at times you would sound very rational and composed, thoughtful if you will. At other times you seemed just to be irreverent jerk. Maybe to some degree this explains it. I can only hope that I might fair as well in my own development. Happy days Met.

a reply to: Metallicus

This is great news. You are just as "normal" as anyone else - the only thing is society judges everyone based on one type of functioning.

Read up as much as you can and know that you have abilities that us others don't have. My daughter and my hubby both have ADHD and while they drive me nuts at times, just as my slowness of mind and ongoing ineptitude with math and technical stuff frustrates them, we equal each other out. It's all about knowing what strengths we each have, and not judging any weaknesses. They are not weaknesses, we are just all different from each other.

And, if you have any loved ones that say ADHD is nonsense, or they don't understand the issues ADHD can cause, point them to informative articles/print things out if they pick at you and make you seem less than they, and just get on with your life.

Magnesium is a an absolute must for ADHD and omega 3's are great for brain function (focus).

My husband had found great success in one-on-one therapy with counsellors to find better ways to communicate and think things through instead of the usual "insert mouth and cause critical havoc".

Lots of deep breaths when wound up, those are extremely beneficial, and mindfulness.

Take care and may every day of the rest of your life be fuller and more joyful.

a reply to: ccseagull

This is great news. You are just as "normal" as anyone else - the only thing is society judges everyone based on one type of functioning.

We all have things we have to learn to deal with, and things we know we can't change.

I'm a type A extrovert in every sense.

I've always been able to land super intelligent lovely girls but can't hold a relationship, I just can't reciprocate emotion as I'm like met in that I don't do well with reciprocating feelings/emotion (his wisdom may have found a lucky lady though) . Logic prevails with me, and while my logic may be different on things than others, emotion plays a very very small role in day to day life.

a reply to: CriticalStinker

I know what you're talking about as this is my husband exactly, and my daughter. My husband never smiles at me, never looks happy to see me after a long day or even absence. My daughter thinks I am too emotional and states that it is all about logic and not overdone emotions.

However, he and I have been together 34 years now and it's been a lot of give and take and much learning. Not only from his side, but from mine to understand that he truly does love me, he just doesn't show it in ways that are portrayed by entertainment, or even what is ingrained in me to expect (as an over emotional person). I have learned that it's not the emotions or facial features that matter, but what is demonstrated by actions and behaviour.

It is a really tough battle to make it together when there are such extremes in both parties, but with hard work and a lot of learned about each other it can be done. It has not been easy, in fact it's been brutal, but we believe in each other and we are each other's support and so it can be done. I understand what you are saying

a reply to: Metallicus

And yet look how you turned out. I would much rather have a personality like yours instead of having life hand you 'easy'. I say those social butterflies that feel comfortable with the popular crowd are the abnormal. Those that need constant human contact and can't be alone with their thoughts for more than a minute should be diagnosed with a bs disorder.

Would you be happy to be constantly surrounded by people, even if their affection was fake? Don't you have the skills to know when someone is full of it and you don't mind at all calling those frauds out on their bs? I call that freedom.

You have always been your own person. You know who you are and have for a long time now. Look at the socialites. Those that gauge their worth on the approval of others, they are in a prison. They always go with the crowd because they don't have the strength to develop their own moral compass.

imo, you have always been normal and in a spiritually moral society, you would be status quo. With our current messed up society, you are trying to judge yourself by the sickness.

a reply to: ccseagull

That was an incredible response and I love the honesty and blunt nature of it.

I guess it's hard to explain though, I'm very sociable, personable, and I have no problem showing affection, I just am a blank slate when it comes to feelings/emotion. I'm very as a matter of fact, my (grain of salt) personality is an ESTJ to every extreme. Probably too honest, and can brush anything off unless it has to do with my mom's health, she's my hero and also hits some speed bumps. Other than that I'm perceived as cold.

Oh, and I don't want kids unless they're adopted later on in life.... So a bit of a deal breaker for many.

I say this all as a realist, not from a position of hopelessness. Truth be told I don't need or want, but wouldn't turn down something good. Independence just has the best of me.

a reply to: CriticalStinker

Ah, I see, thank you for the further clarification. And thank you for your kind words.

I sometimes wonder about my daughter. She has a sense of humour, has empathy, but at times it's almost like there is a lack of emotion. She has said to me at times that she doesn't feel anything when I have addressed certain issues. I wonder sometimes in her case if it's an evasive and defensive technique. Not having a feeling protects her from intense inner pain.

Interesting about your comment of being ESTJ - see this is my daughter. She has perceived ideas about how things are and it is beyond her comprehension at times that others can do things in different manner just because there is another way. To her it is not the correct way and so isn't even an option. One example would be that I am not "allowed" to sleep in just because it's a Sunday. That is being lazy and unproductive. And so in her head that option doesn't exist as a choice for others since it's her own personal belief. I don't know if this is what you're expressing as well (sorry, sometimes it takes a few goes for me to get the right meaning as I can come to several conclusions on what someone has said when only one meaning was meant. I"m a daydreaming and imaginative and that messes with my understanding at times, or... I don't pay attention. Not sure yet why I do that).

It sounds to me like you have a good balance of all the necessities of life. Some of us are more extreme than others and others so flexible it seems they are just drifting along in life with no concerns.

You are doing just fine. And sometimes we are own worst critic.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Or wanting them unless adopted later in life. I can see how that would deeply impact a relationship. So many women want children of their own, to have that entire experience, to have their own biological offspring. But, love is love and when offered and when accepted whether in a strong and free relationship, or adopting kids later in life - then it's going to work when intentions are true.

You've got the perfect attitude to get through life in my opinion. Being a realist, and knowing when opportunity is knocking at your door - these are where the magic happens. Independence is a true gift. And while enjoying such you are living life to the fullest and will be ready when the time comes.

Great chatting! I've really enjoyed it. Thanks CS.

a reply to: ccseagull

You're killing it ccseagull, I'm always honest but rarely open up unless it's good conversation.

I sometimes wonder about my daughter. She has a sense of humour, has empathy, but at times it's almost like there is a lack of emotion. She has said to me at times that she doesn't feel anything when I have addressed certain issues. I wonder sometimes in her case if it's an evasive and defensive technique. Not having a feeling protects her from intense inner pain.

My guess is you and your husband found eachother early and stayed together. My second guess is your daughter is between 21-27, still finding the nuance in relationships and life (I am too).

Interesting about your comment of being ESTJ - see this is my daughter. She has perceived ideas about how things are and it is beyond her comprehension at times that others can do things in different manner just because there is another way.

Me to a T, until I started managing for corporations. I find empathy through it, having to not only know, but understand where people were coming from... Why they were the way they were.

If I'm at my prime, I can get four hours of sleep, work twelve hours and do a challenging hike afterwards. I had to come to the conclusion that's not normal, and not necessarily something to be proud of, thought it's OK to be. Some people can sit down and read a book in a few sittings while balancing other aspects of life, are me or them better than one another? Probably not.

Balance and diversity is what we all need. Empathy is the real game changer though.

I have three sisters, all polar opposites than I. I love them and don't wish them to be any different, that said I understand them.

Anytime you worry about your type A daughter, push her harder (as much as healthily possible). Eventually she'll find equilibrium, though it may not be in the bounds of what people expect of life or how one should walk it.

Also if I was right about her age tell me to hit me up 😂 (95% joking).

a reply to: CriticalStinker

Oh, you are an absolute delight! I mean that.

It is my viewpoint that having such discussions about who we are helps not only validates our own experiences and self image (inside one's true self), but also helps understand situations better, i.e.: just hearing you talk about yourself gives me such relief that my daughter will be okay. I know she will be okay, life just always seems to work out (and a lot of that is our expectations and positive or un-positive mindset), but just that I must let her be herself (while guiding her), for she is exactly who she should be and must find ways to accept herself.

I love what you said about managing for companies and finding empathy through it. My number one icky pet peeve, and it's not by choice, is the sound of someone eating with their mouth open. It is like nails on a chalkboard. However, the few people that I have had to work with that did that, I found out has sinus issues. And as soon as I understood that the issue never bothered me again - with those people. Some people who can't leave you alone at work and disrupt you and have to be recognized for every little thing including cutting their toenails and just never shut up - I found out they had severe ADHD. Same thing - it's who they are and not being done on purpose and so it no longer bothered me. If we can understand the reason someone is the way they are because of trauma in their lives, lack of love, or something medical then there is empathy, understanding, coping and developed relationships. And for those co-workers who like to bully others or sabotage your own work - they have such low self esteem that it's heartbreakingly sad. I am so proud of you! I mean it. It takes many a long life to realize it's not about us all the time.

You are so right: empathy is where it's at. Bang on.

Holy cow - there is someone out there that is my husband's twin. He is just like you. Only needs 4 hours of sleep and can go like a beast all day at work and still come home and do whatever jobs need doing and all the while he is pushing me to get moving. I need 8 hours of sleep a night and cannot function. So yes, we have many clashes when it comes to our own specific needs and his expectations. Ummm, I mean his expectations, ha. All I ask is for freedom to be ME and I am happy. No, that is not normal, BUT, again what is normal. You just operate differently. The only problem I would say with that is my husband, so maybe you do too, never feels satisfied with what he has accomplished in a day. He is very hard on himself and also on us if we can't keep up. He is 53 and puts many 20 year olds in his trade to shame, both physically and mentally.

You are very intuitive, and funny. I met him when I was 21/he was 22. We are like firecrackers, yet like a perfect glove all at the same time. I didn't want kids when young due to an abusive childhood and so didn't want to be that type of parent. So I had my daughter when I was 35. I made sure I had therapy, was calm, happy with myself and had lived life for me before I entered into thinking of becoming a parent. Best thing I ever did. And I was adamant I would never have kids. It was my mantra, ha. She is turning 19 in April. I have warned her that I will send her poor husband for counselling before he marries her. She laughs, and she says, "I will be the boss". She is adamant no one is going to tell her what to do. And I keep reiterating that a relationship isn't about bossing or lording over anyone. It's mutual love and respect. I've said that since forever with her to make sure she'll get it when and if she ever makes that decision.

Thank you for your advice, sincerely. I do appreciate it very much.

a reply to: ccseagull

There's a lot I want to quote, but I'll keep it short for now and try to come back to more tomorrow.

You sound like my Madre.

She's Italian and her mother was distant (rare for Italians), and her father was a good man with skeletons in his closet. He was in organized crime (victimless) and eventually had to attone for his decisions. She had to go through foster homes and she was a firecracker herself.

It took her a while to shake off her chip on her shoulder (she never has, she's just coped with it). She has me at 30 (I'm 29 now). Her an my dad divorced when I was two, she was working on her masters while bringing me to the library as a toddler as a single mother.

I inhereted her strength and chips on her shoulders. My guess is your daughter did the same. You probably have nothing to worry about. You're just concerned you see yourself and your husband in her at a time where society tries to baby kids. I was one of the last who rode their bikes blocks away from home at five, parents would go to jail or lose their kids over that these days.

Push her when she needs it, and be her mom when she's finally found her limits (when she's found her limits, not when you think she has, two very different things lol).

She'll be fine, you'll be fine. Lose the chip on your shoulder and start to relax. She's an adult and still needs you... sometimes so take some time to invest in neglected hobbies and interest.

Cheers ma'am

a reply to: CriticalStinker

Replies forming in my head, but no time to share! LOL. I'll be back much later today!!
Have an awesome day.

a reply to: CriticalStinker

So sorry CS - tonight turned into a swarm of phone calls, texts, a 2 hour phone call from my Mom. I'll respond when I have my first chance.

originally posted by: ccseagull
a reply to: CriticalStinker

So sorry CS - tonight turned into a swarm of phone calls, texts, a 2 hour phone call from my Mom. I'll respond when I have my first chance.

Haha, no rush ccseagull, take your time. Life comes first.

originally posted by: CriticalStinker

originally posted by: ccseagull
a reply to: CriticalStinker

So sorry CS - tonight turned into a swarm of phone calls, texts, a 2 hour phone call from my Mom. I'll respond when I have my first chance.

Haha, no rush ccseagull, take your time. Life comes first.