On the prospect of losing my father

I am in the middle of selling my families small farm/ homestead we have been running while working full time jobs in the healthcare industry. We found ourselves in Ohio about 6 or 7 years ago, after a tough run of luck caused me to lose my research job in Oregon, just as my near 8 year old daughter was being born...I delivered her in our living room, my wife did it all, strongest human I know, no drugs, no nothing...just us and our wonderful daughter.

We sold everything except our clothes and an old Hyundai Elantra and accepted the only job with insurance for my wife and daughter I could get...I had to dig deep and take a home building job in the Berkshire Mountains of Western Massachusettes, just to keep my family afloat.

We left Sandy, Oregon on Mt Hood January 1 2011 and chained up that Elantra driving over Cabbage Hill, the Continental Divide eyc.. through feet of snow for 6 days till we got to S. Deerfield MA. We found a 450 ft apartment in a 1790s building and I left with a 2 man tent, a hatchet, my tools and a sleeping bag to the Berkshires to build a wealthy lady a net zero energy home. 4000 sq feet

I would drive home every Friday night and Saturday we would take the baby and head to Trader Joes, for food. Ill never forget counting every penny, adding every item up to make sure we had enough money to pay for what we wanted to buy....needed to buy.

A lot transpired since then, a lot transpired before then...Like many, Ididnt have a very good childhood, I was physically abused by both mother and father. My mother, sociopathic and brutal, hard punches to the face, head into the floor by the hair, my father....just frightening, he would scream at me, bludgeon me, beat me with belts or walls, or ceilings...he scared me so much, I would cower and pretend to sleep while he breathed heavily in my bedroom door.

He would tell me he loved me, and how much, just before he beat me black and blue everytime. Teachers in those day noticed the black bruises on my arms, my neck, my eyes..the priests at Catholic church knew, my sister and mom knew...nobody ever helped me.

Now Im 51 and today my 80 year old father father called, he cant walk, couldnt move his left arm, lesions all over his vertebrae...hes dying. Im crying, trying not to in front of my daughter...but my worst demon, needed me so I drove up there, joked with him, loved him and got him to the hospital.

Im an executive in healthcare now,, I paid for my wife to go through school ...cash every month. My daughter is amazing and healthy and by all rights I should still hate my family....God, Ive never cried so hard in my life. I love my Dad either way, and knowingvhe is about die is killing me.

a reply to: BlueJacket

What a heart wrenching story BlueJacket 😕... and a very difficult time for you now as your father is passing away.

Good for you for choosing love and forgiveness over bitterness .👍🏼

Was happy to read that all your hard work eventually lead to prosperity for your family.

To err is human
To forgive is Devine

a reply to: Sheye

Thank you

I guess thats what I was doing, giving and asking for forgiveness, I dont know other than what I discovered just now...horrible, yet other wonderful memories have flooded my mind.

What I have been able to overcome for my wife and daughter, was born from my own childhood. It surely happened to both my parents as childten...I truly get what Christ meant by forgiveness today...and youre speaking to someone that resented the entire notion out of hate until a time came where I literally had to divest myself of 50 years of grudges.

a reply to: Starhooker

thanks, having a life moment...cant believe I just did it here. Its lonely in the country

a reply to: BlueJacket

All good. Pulled the plug on my dad 6 months ago. The bastard wouldn't die. I joke about the fact that nothing can kill him. He was never around, meth and what not. But it made me the person I am. Hes homeless in San Diego. Saw him last month. He looks terrible. Got him a motel for a month. We watched Star trek, ate and talked about life. Hate kills a person slowly. Who would you be had your father been different? Glad you broke the cycle as have I. Live long and prosper friendo

a reply to: BlueJacket


You are truly amazing to overcome all that, hit rock bottom, work to support your family and most importantly being there for your dad.

Forgiveness frees you both!

God Bless you in this sad time, may the angels be there for you.

a reply to: Starhooker

Thanks ..its all just swirling around in my head. Im moving my wife and kid back home 2600 miles away...and then this nest of buried acorns rears up.

its odd, I feel like my lungs are breathing better

a reply to: BlueJacket

The good news is that youve learned a better way to deal with shnnit. He didn't. His youth was probably a rough one as well. Welcome back to the west (best) coast by the way. I ended up beating my dad's ass after he broke my mom's foot. I was 17 and I saw the fear in his eyes as he realized the rage in mine. We have the exact same baby blues except for that moment. I'll never forget that look Damn I'm getting emotional lol. Good on you for having the ability to notice the right way to do shnnit. Good luck with everything

I lost my father on Sept 28th, 2015. It still bothers me everyday. Everyone should take the time they have with their loved ones while they can. Regrets are endless.

a reply to: hombero

Yes , thank you for your support...

a reply to: Starhooker

i did the same years ago, and have never felt right about the rage I showed. Im so tender with my daughter, I wrestle every day with what allows a parent to beat on their child.

That is a powerful story. I am sorry for your loss and wish you strength and courage to see your way through. Hugs!

a reply to: BlueJacket

I'm about the same age as you, and also had a "complicated" relationship with my Dad when I was growing up, mostly due to the fact he had a terrible temper back then.

He mellowed considerably as he got older, but I can absolutely understand where you are coming from.

He was amazingly healthy most of his life, despite the fact that he was a heavy smoker all is life.

Anyway, during the late summer of 2016 he suddenly began to experience severe pain in his right shoulder and arm, so on or about October 2nd, he decided to have it checked out, and was diagnosed with inoperable stage IV lung cancer.

He passed away six weeks later, on November 20, so I can understand how you feel, my friend.

I'm very, very sorry for your loss, brother.

An end of life reconciliation is often cleansing for both parties. You do need to tell your father that he was a bastard and unkind, as that will be therapeutic to you. If he has any insight he may even apologise. But you also need to forgive as that would be therapeutic to both parties.

a reply to: KTemplar

Thank you for your kind words.

a reply to: MteWamp

Thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps.

a reply to: paraphi

I appreciate your words and advice, I will try to find a moment alone with him.

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you for your kindness

Teared up reading this! there's a lesson there.

All the best, and thanks for sharing Bluejacket.