Sexual harassment and maybe could use advice

I'm gonna try to keep this short and lighthearted... Here we go...

So you may not believe this from a white man in his 30's, and I've done my best to keep this silent, but I have to vent. I've been sexually harassed 4 times this month...

Now, I know what you're thinking: "sure you have.. some Walmart employee looked at you in a lewd fashion..." But, no... Now tell me what you think about these events. I'll start with the first, which I really don't consider harassment, but my friends all say is harassment.

I have this problem with pants where the left back pocket always tears. I work around A LOT of exposed razor blades and tight spaces so clothes get torn up and battered pretty quick (even when the machinery is off, which of course it always is when I'm working in it). Anyway, I was coming back to work from lunch and a hole had torn in the corner of my back pocket. A female manager was behind me (I'm male, and identify as male) and grabbed my back pocket and ripped it down, as to say "don't wear ripped pants to work", but they ripped at work, and she was essentially grabbing my butt and trying to expose more of my rear end by yanking down.

Anyway, that's fine, because it is what it is, and sometimes people do stuff like that. It's okay.

Now, I'm on a diversion program for being pulled over with my medications out of the bottle (yeah, apparently that's a thing). So I have to drug test a couple of times a week. Because it's technically a drug charge, I have to be directly observed. Here's the process:

I go into the facility. It's an all-female staff. They call in a male to direct observe. Once he gets to the facility, I get taken back, my possessions are taken and put in a lockbox, and they put the key on a hook in the bathroom with me (because it can't be in my pocket). The water supply is shut off to the bathroom and I go in with the direct observer. I need to pull my pants and underwear down to my knees and lift my shirt up to my nipples until they are done examining. Then I give a sample.

Okay, whatever, I get the process. But there's this one man who direct observes, where every time I go in, he puts his hand on my back and pats it lightly. Then he lays his hand on my shoulder and rubs down to my middle back in a prolonged circular motion, and he's done it everytime I've been in there with him. I know this is a minor thing probably, but it severely bothers me, to the point of hyperventilation, panic attacks, and extreme depression...

The power dynamic is this in the eyes of the law: I'm a druggy POS for having a prescription drug I didn't take, and this man is a state-sanctioned drug test supervisor. So there's no way my voice will be heard in any courtroom. Furthermore, I am stripped of all possessions, so I can't bring a camera in to the test site.

Y'all are probably thinking I should tell the guy to cut that crap out, and I agree. But I just freeze and find I can't do anything when it happens... Light-hearted sidenote, when I was between the ages of 7-10 I was frequently abused by a family member, up to and including rape. I never did rat this guy out, but now he has a wife and a kid and I really don't believe he is that person who raped me years ago... I'm glad I never talked about it, and I'm truly glad that he's found a happy life.

So... What do I do? I'm literally in tears as I type this. This man terrifies me, and it takes me to a horrible mental place, but I know nobody will listen, and I know people deserve another chance. Something tells me this old bastard has ran out of chances, but I'm not the guy to decide that...

Sorry for the rant...

Oh, and what's red and smells like blue paint?




Red paint.




I told you it would be light-hearted...
ilya

originally posted by: sine.nomine
Okay, whatever, I get the process. But there's this one man who direct observes, where every time I go in, he puts his hand on my back and pats it lightly. Then he lays his hand on my shoulder and rubs down to my middle back in a prolonged circular motion, and he's done it everytime I've been in there with him. I know this is a minor thing probably, but it severely bothers me, to the point of hyperventilation, panic attacks, and extreme depression...

If you're a dude, well, RAPE! Call the cops.

Personally I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable and if there is a way he can observe you without touching you for prolonged amounts of time, that would be appreciated by you.

If he didn't stop, I'd escalate it to whoever necessary, regardless of any backlash.

I can understand why you might be hesitant to address it, but if your PTSD is that severe, and he is triggering you, I'd recommend asking him to stop or ask for a different observer. He might be a creep, he might not be, he could think he's making you more comfortable, who knows. But we do know it's making you uncomfortable.

-Alee

Do what you know you should do.

Your misery isn't going to end until you do.

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Those comments were a bit unnecessary, if I may say so. I was really looking for advice on something that truly unnerves me. Ripping a pocket and caressing someone with their pants down are two very, VERY different things.

Thanks for your reply...

ETA: Jovially suggesting "rape" as you did is beyond stupid. I was actually raped. Anally. Thanks. BTW, F U.

a reply to: sine.nomine

Call the place you are being tested, ask for their Human Resources department and if they ask why, tell them that your observer is touching you in a way that you feel is sexual.

There should be no physical contact between your observer and yourself in a situation where you are required by law to give a urine sample.

Simply because you are in a closed room with no camera with one of their employees and to give a sample you have to expose yourself. It is a lawsuit made in heaven for the proper lawyer, against them.

That will be the end of that.

a reply to: sine.nomine

Only thing I can really think of is to try and get in touch with the observer's superior and schedule a face to face meeting. Have a calm, honest talk with them and explain in a way that you're comfortable with why you're not too fond of this observer.

If the superior is half decent and reasonable, they might try to schedule someone else for the tests.

Like you said, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place because of the situation, so your options are pretty limited.

Touching you during a drug screen is not normal. At least it wasn't when I worked in Community Corrections.

And, all the ladies in the office were ALWAYS bugging me to try and get me to tell them which clients were well endowed.

Horny lot them C.C. women, I often felt harassed myself.

The female supervisor would owe me a pair of pants. I would whisper in the drug testers ear, touch me again and your going to need an ambulance.

a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank you for your advice. I find it difficult (read:impossible) to address directly, but I've been considering phoning an anonymous complaint. I just don't want to ruin someone's life over this... Even if he did mean it that way.

a reply to: neo96

I just don't want to hurt anyone.

a reply to: Lumenari

This may be the best route. I really appreciate your advice. I get really flustered. There's two guys, and the regular guy is fine, but this other guy is inappropriately handsy... I don't wanna be the guy that screws him over, but I realize something needs to be said.

Gonna get the serious answers to your rant out there first .
You would probably feel better if you could take back control. This creepy guy laying his hands on you is unacceptable. Even if he is a state sanctioned tester..he still must answer to some kind of authority.
Perhaps there have been other complaints already about him ? What I mean is ..they might not just dismiss your treatment as quickly as you might think.
What he is doing is creepy..and should cost him his job.
The historical abuse is more difficult to deal with. It can take years of therapy and never ending self analysis....and although you can learn to live with it...it is like an old dingy rag that you can't ever shake off. But it sounds as if you have found a way to distance yourself from the trauma.

The female co worker ? It depends on what kind of working relationship you all have.
How would she react if it was her a$$ getting grabbed ? In a working environment with blades erc..maybe a$$ grabbing is a Health and Safety violation. ?

Guys can totally be harrassed sexually. It is not an exclusively female issue

a reply to: cosmickat

I understand what you're saying. This guy is literally being trained right now so the only interactions I have is behind locked doors. He must be retired...

And the female coworker thing I seriously chalk up to being an old woman and not understanding societal norms anymore.

a reply to: sine.nomine

Agreed...women of a certain age..can be a lil bit outrageous still....not an excuse

a reply to: sine.nomine

Eh it doesn't sound that bad. Just close your eyes and think of England.

Honestly, I go to get haircuts just because it feels good having someone run their fingers through my hair and I tip well.

I wonder if there's a bar where TSA agents hang out. I'd like to meet one

Talk to HR or call a lawyer.

Sounds like legitimate examples of sexual harassment.

However, expect the company to play hardball. Maybe they won't. But expect them to. And your "drug charge" will be used to try and intimidate you.

They'll probably claim you have already violated company policy (even if you haven't), and that you're lucky to still have a job.

This can be tough stuff to take. But you'll have to deal with it, if you want this issue addressed.

If you don't address it, expect to continue and/or get worse.

originally posted by: sine.nomine
I'm gonna try to keep this short and lighthearted... Here we go...

So you may not believe this from a white man in his 30's, and I've done my best to keep this silent, but I have to vent. I've been sexually harassed 4 times this month...

Now, I know what you're thinking: "sure you have.. some Walmart employee looked at you in a lewd fashion..." But, no... Now tell me what you think about these events. I'll start with the first, which I really don't consider harassment, but my friends all say is harassment.

I have this problem with pants where the left back pocket always tears. I work around A LOT of exposed razor blades and tight spaces so clothes get torn up and battered pretty quick (even when the machinery is off, which of course it always is

when I'm working in it). Anyway, I was coming back to work from lunch and a hole had torn in the corner of my back pocket. A female manager was behind me (I'm male, and identify as male) and grabbed my back pocket and ripped it down, as to say "don't wear ripped pants to work", but they ripped at work, and she was essentially grabbing my butt and trying to expose more of my rear end by yanking down.

Anyway, that's fine, because it is what it is, and sometimes people do stuff like that. It's okay.

Now, I'm on a diversion program for being pulled over with my medications out of the bottle (yeah, apparently that's a thing). So I have to drug test a couple of times a week. Because it's technically a drug charge, I have to be directly observed. Here's the process:

I go into the facility. It's an all-female staff. They call in a male to direct observe. Once he gets to the facility, I get taken back, my possessions are taken and put in a lockbox, and they put the key on a hook in the bathroom with me (because it can't be in my pocket). The water supply is shut off to the bathroom and I go in with the direct observer. I need to pull my pants and underwear down to my knees and lift my shirt up to my nipples until they are done examining. Then I give a sample.

Okay, whatever, I get the process. But there's this one man who direct observes, where every time I go in, he puts his hand on my back and pats it lightly. Then he lays his hand on my shoulder and rubs down to my middle back in a prolonged circular motion, and he's done it everytime I've been in there with him. I know this is a minor thing probably, but it severely bothers me, to the point of hyperventilation, panic attacks, and extreme depression...

The power dynamic is this in the eyes of the law: I'm a druggy POS for having a prescription drug I didn't take, and this man is a state-sanctioned drug test supervisor. So there's no way my voice will be heard in any courtroom. Furthermore, I am stripped of all possessions, so I can't bring a camera in to the test site.

Y'all are probably thinking I should tell the guy to cut that crap out, and I agree. But I just freeze and find I can't do anything when it happens... Light-hearted sidenote, when I was between the ages of 7-10 I was frequently abused by a family member, up to and including rape. I never did rat this guy out, but now he has a wife and a kid and I really don't believe he is that person who raped me years ago... I'm glad I never talked about it, and I'm truly glad that he's found a happy life.

So... What do I do? I'm literally in tears as I type this. This man terrifies me, and it takes me to a horrible mental place, but I know nobody will listen, and I know people deserve another chance. Something tells me this old bastard has ran out of chances, but I'm not the guy to decide that...

Sorry for the rant...

Oh, and what's red and smells like blue paint?




Red paint.




I told you it would be light-hearted...
ilya

Sine, may i call you Sine ?
I apologise if it seems a bit familiar.

I too have been in this kind of situation manys a time...
Or at least three that will mark me forever :

The house wife who didn'tt have any spare change to pay the milk bill
The 'Saturday ""girl"" who discovered the power of breasts (!!)
The co-worker, who, in all innocence, insists "Feel how gnarly my thighs are"

How does a red blooded male, at our time
"handle" these situations Sine ?

It's very difficult

My only advice to you, Sine,
would be too allow things to develop as they are
maybe, maybe not, you and Angelica there
could have a good thing brewing

You never know !
'till you try

Start her up

Mind you, if you're the same age as her Dad..
and her just-out-if-prison-'uncle' too
that could be a bit troublesome

Even so,

Nothing tempted
Nothing gained

a reply to: Cassi3l

You can call me sine! It means "without", ironically... And for the record, I won't embrace my harassment as a "good thing brewing". The woman who grabbed me worked for my father in the same company. Like I said, I don't believe that incident was intended harassment, just thought I'd bring it up. Now that I see people are focused on why I'm a POS, as usual, maybe everything is allowed. Kill me now.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

Not even joking, I only have my fiance cut my hair anymore because I don't like flirty barbers. I hate to say it, but sometimes I jump when my fiance touches me... I don't mean to, and I hate myself when it happens.

a reply to: sine.nomine

Do you know anyone good with makeup? Have them do some hideous boils or rashes on your back for your next visit.

I'm sure he wont touch you then.