Bachelor-phobia!

Have you ever noticed, you can't be bros with married men?

I mean technically you can, but in reality you don't see each other anymore.

And goodness ... you can't go out with a bachelor!
All the loose women see exactly what he is, and now he attracts them to my hubby!

The Stag Party was our last good time.
And I understand, it was a bit like a funeral.

But hey, don't let me die here all alone just because you got married brother.

Remember the unmarried in society too!

Not like my 20s. Think I pack some records and some booze and see if my bro's awake. Three hours later ... Iron Maiden blasting across Bill Bezuidenhout Avenue.

Just like after the army.
Flip brother we shared everything.
And then afterwards ... I won't even greet you.
Don't want to be reminded of the hurt and humiliation.

a reply to: halfoldman

Move on. Keep saying "Bro's before Ho's" long enough into your 30's and it comes across as you being gay.

People like you settle eventually, and that's cool. Not everyone finds "Love".

Companionship is just as good in that no one wants to live alone for too long.

Good for a man to get married.

But if you don't get married by your forties, you keep thinking back.
If only I was with my brothers again.
Never a dull or boring moment.

a reply to: halfoldman
This is an old story. Charles Lamb described it in the Essays of Elia, in "A bachelor's complaint about the behaviour of married people".

If the husband be a man with whom you have lived on a friendly footing before marriage... you shall find your old friend gradually grow cool and altered towards you, and at last seek opportunities of breaking with you... That the good man should have dared to enter into a solemn league of friendship in which [the wife] was not consulted, though it happened before they knew him- before they that are now man and wife ever met- that is intolerable to them.

I try not to be sexist, but honestly, when I post stuff, I try to think of my bros having a laugh.

That is, the imaginary recipient in my head is male.

Long before the Internet we had that banter - man to man.

a reply to: halfoldman

lol...

Give it a few years

originally posted by: halfoldman
Good for a man to get married.

But if you don't get married by your forties, you keep thinking back.
If only I was with my brothers again.
Never a dull or boring moment.

That might be a reason why some can party forever but never find their better half. Self-fulfilling. If you get married, normally you want to last it forever and probably start a family.

With that comes responsibility, meaning not to get home drunk each weekend and party until sunrise with a bunch of strangers. Some of my friends never understood why I don´t enjoy going to clubs, disco or other big parades of female flesh anymore. I never had eyes for other women, just didn´t notice them at all.

Real friends (I don´t use that term as loosely as some do today) understand that. It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with them. I would rather spent some quality time with my friends than hanging around in a overcrowded bar/club/whatever.

In the end it´s a big showoff.

To be honest, I always found it a bit selfish if someone want´s me to be there, just for the sake of being there, "to have me around" while they look for their partner. Because as you said:

If I don´t go, I´m the fun breaker.
If I go, I´m also the fun breaker.

- When you´re young, pre-teenage you come together to enjoy time with each other.
- When you´re becoming a teenager the opposite sex is getting more interesting. You team up with your friends to not be alone in this jungle-race.
- When you have found your gem, the one you want to get old with, that middle part is not interesting anymore.

It has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with those friends, they are just in a different part of life with different values and viewpoints. You are still working towards that part.

#################

To word it another way:

You are expecting me to stay with you until you find someone you can spend the night with or leave the party. Until that I am the vehicle so you do not feel alone and vulnerable out there, that is, until you find someone of interest and ask me if it´s okay to leave the party.

Well done, I spent the evening with you because you said you want to spend time with me, but your real intention was to hookup with someone else as soon as you find one.

Behold, I´m okay with that, just don´t lie to yourself about the fact that as soon as YOU find your better half, I´m the one leaving alone, while I held your hand the whole evening.

Hope you understand that it goes both ways.

a reply to: halfoldman

This does seem to be a curious phenomena. It is almost like it only affects one half of the relationship. As another poster linked above 'A bachelor's complaint', where is the bachelorettes complaint piece? There isn't one? I wonder why that is?

I have experienced this exact same thing. Good friend gets married and you go from hanging out once every other week to once every other month, if you're lucky. Again and again, my compatriots fell. Once I tried the same path and I was able to regain better communication with them, if the other halves got along with each other. If the other halves didn't get along then contact deteriorated further.

Some people like to frame the story as going out to ogle women. We went out to pool halls where the females were few and far in-between. So it couldn't have been jealousy from possible contact. Just hanging out to grill was as restricted as most other activities.

Again, I never hear this complaint from the other side. I wonder why?

Is it that a relationship goes from 2 individuals to 1 entity but that group concept was considered differently between the sexes?

But I just can't imagine what the problem could be. Maybe I am gay? An incel? A Misogynist? That is probably the answer. I am making all of this stuff up. It certainly doesn't appear that anything is wrong in relationship or marriage land, because if that were the case, those rates would surely be falling. Good thing everything is just dandy at this point in time.

originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: halfoldman

This does seem to be a curious phenomena. It is almost like it only affects one half of the relationship. As another poster linked above 'A bachelor's complaint', where is the bachelorettes complaint piece? There isn't one? I wonder why that is?

it does happen with women, actually. especially once kids enter the picture as well. it requires effort and creativity to sustain those friendships when people are in different phases of life.

plus, people grow apart, grow differently, even when they're not in different phases. you can probably blame that just as much.

originally posted by: fiverx313

originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: halfoldman

This does seem to be a curious phenomena. It is almost like it only affects one half of the relationship. As another poster linked above 'A bachelor's complaint', where is the bachelorettes complaint piece? There isn't one? I wonder why that is?

it does happen with women, actually. especially once kids enter the picture as well. it requires effort and creativity to sustain those friendships when people are in different phases of life.

plus, people grow apart, grow differently, even when they're not in different phases. you can probably blame that just as much.

So one night out or a few hours every 2 weeks is asking too much? Even when the same courtesy is given to the other half and actually encouraged. I understand that people need a break and that giving them time to themselves or outside of the home environment can be invigorating and refreshing. That when they get back from a night out with the girls, their elevated mood and attitude were well worth taking care of the kids and household by myself that night. But when that same courtesy was requested in exchange? hahahahahahaha

I have no arguments that keeping a house and children are very demanding tasks, if done correctly. This has to be a group effort when 2 adults are together or animosity develops.

The other curious thing is when those relationships end and both are bachelors again, the male friendship resumes without a hiccup. Usually with a lot of interesting new stories to be shared. Maybe if they were superficial friends to begin with, those friendships come to an end never to be pursued again.

a reply to: ClovenSky

i'm not saying it doesn't happen, and it doesn't feel unfair... but if your friend is cutting you off, that's not just because his woman laid down the law. he bought into it, too.

maybe he's letting it happen to make things peaceful, maybe he'd just rather spend that time at home on his own preference because he wants to be around her, or he's tired, maybe you just weren't that close any more but once he's single he finds a new reason to reinvest in the friendship.

it's not as simple as 'evil lady keeping my man friend away from me because ladies = evil'. if your friend makes it out that way to you, i'd bet you that he just finds it easier and more convenient to blame it on the one who's not there to defend herself instead of just being honest with you about not being that into it. :/

a reply to: fiverx313

Ahh, a wordsmith that knows how to develop a theory. Beautiful.

Just a few points. The friend used in the example: we have been close since I moved into town when I was 4. Meeting at church before our formal education even began. Parents were good friends and got together often. Through school and church. Through graduation and confirmation. Through post secondary education and a little bit into the working world before the fall happened.

We have had many conversations on this subject and if he was dishonest in his assessment, it would shock me to my core. He has eluded exactly to why the contact was coming more and more infrequent. His reason 'happy wife, happy life' as he said with a laugh that wasn't exactly humorous. We were doing not too bad up to the point that his wife tried to set me up with her best friend. I guess it was my mistake to laugh and walk away. Should I have played politics and spoke falsely?

Maybe he should have put his foot down huh? I wonder how the divorce courts are in today's society? I sure he would have came out OK huh. Let me go find some stories of how divorce usually works out for the male. It couldn't have been that we had a long enough relationship that we knew this too would pass and are simply biding our time. Or that he just found a pool league where we can secretly meet once a week? Yep, he must just be cutting me loose.

And that is just one of many examples. I am kind of concerned that I am not more upset by this whole situation. But as the honey badger goes ......

I will be fun to watch society progress in this regard.

a reply to: ClovenSky

so... he's just doing stuff that makes you unhappy to keep his wife happy because otherwise he'd get screwed in divorce court? otherwise everything would be just fine?

did he say that?

and you're extrapolating your one friend's situation to.... a whole society?

idk... i think you might be overextending there, tbh.

a reply to: fiverx313

You are probably correct and I am just overextending and attributing my few examples to the whole.

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

Peace

originally posted by: verschickter
I never had eyes for other women, just didn´t notice them at all.

This is not entirely correct / a bit strange worded. I ment I was never noticing "that hot girl there" or "did you saw her??" type of situations. I still talk to other women of course and I notice they are there but not as potential life-partners, more as potential firends or someone to have a nice conversation with.

I think the original sentence sounded a bit stupid so now I stand corrected (by myself).

a reply to: ClovenSky

i'm sorry for what you're going through, i know from first-hand experience that it's frustrating. i thought my best friend and i were moving to another state together after she graduated college, but she told me about six months beforehand that actually she was going to move to a different state and live with a guy she'd been dating for a few months. my world revolved around her, so i know how it feels to lose that to someone else. and i definitely wanted to blame it all on the guy but... it was her decision. and it caused me to reflect on how maybe she wasn't getting all the same things out of our friendship that i was getting. not to say that's the case with your situation, but just that there can be a lot of factors. even what i think happened in my situation is just my own speculation after all...

a reply to: fiverx313

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences.

My apologies if I misrepresented myself. I am actually not upset anymore, probably at first but at this point I am just curious. Putting the pieces together so to speak. Acceptance was a long road but worth the travel. Every single piece of it.

Have a great night!!!