7 and a half years then its all over ;(

Afternoon ATS.

I'm not exactly at I expect from this post but getting it off my chest might help .

Last Monday, my Fiancee decided that I had to leave.

We had an affair years back back but life conspired to keep us apart.

Fast forward to 2010 and we bumped into eachother at random. In the years since we last spoke She had had a Daughter but found Herself a single Mum.

Initially the old feelings didn't come rushing back but keeping in touch as friends, it only took a few weeks to find myself head over heels all over again.

Taking on another Man's Child gave me a few second thoughts but my love for Her made that a non-issue.

I always felt She was the "One" even way back so times were good as I never even dreamed we would have a second chance at something so wonderful.

Recent years found her Daughter needing a kidney transplant and for two and a half years our lives revolved around everything that that entails.

Its not been a pleasant experience but we copied and Little One (now a teenager) has had successful transplant and I'm happy to say is doing extremely well.

At a time when we should be getting back to some sense of normality it seems we lost our way through the dialysis maze and stopped communicating. Something I never imagined as that was one of the many traits I loved about her.

We both admit that we have made mistakes and should have talked sooner but She now wants no part of any relationship and to bring her daughter up alone.

Engagement ring off,my door key back and all my gear either in the boot of my car or in storage.

I now find myself on my Mum's settee in the evening and spending all day trying to occupy myself to mask the huge void in my life.
My Angel has gone.

Given the communication issues I partly understand but I also feel utterly used as this came about after the transplant.

She won't explain anything to me other than not wanting anyone any more.

The pain is horrendous.

a reply to: Cymru

# that sucks. sorry man
youre going to get lots of advice so i wont give advice just something to remember.
time will make it better

just remember that #. you wont but try.

thats a rough situation my friend.

time is the only thing that is going to make it better.

a reply to: Cymru

The pain is horrendous.

Don't resist feelings, let them wash over you.

They are only feelings. Don't let them turn you to destructive action.

They are only feelings.

originally posted by: Cymru
Afternoon ATS.

I'm not exactly at I expect from this post but getting it off my chest might help .

Last Monday, my Fiancee decided that I had to leave.

We had an affair years back back but life conspired to keep us apart.

Fast forward to 2010 and we bumped into eachother at random. In the years since we last spoke She had had a Daughter but found Herself a single Mum.

Initially the old feelings didn't come rushing back but keeping in touch as friends, it only took a few weeks to find myself head over heels all over again.

Taking on another Man's Child gave me a few second thoughts but my love for Her made that a non-issue.

I always felt She was the "One" even way back so times were good as I never even dreamed we would have a second chance at something so wonderful.

Recent years found her Daughter needing a kidney transplant and for two and a half years our lives revolved around everything that that entails.

Its not been a pleasant experience but we copied and Little One (now a teenager) has had successful transplant and I'm happy to say is doing extremely well.

At a time when we should be getting back to some sense of normality it seems we lost our way through the dialysis maze and stopped communicating. Something I never imagined as that was one of the many traits I loved about her.

We both admit that we have made mistakes and should have talked sooner but She now wants no part of any relationship and to bring her daughter up alone.

Engagement ring off,my door key back and all my gear either in the boot of my car or in storage.

I now find myself on my Mum's settee in the evening and spending all day trying to occupy myself to mask the huge void in my life.
My Angel has gone.

Given the communication issues I partly understand but I also feel utterly used as this came about after the transplant.

She won't explain anything to me other than not wanting anyone any more.

The pain is horrendous.

Always good to vent on something like this. God bless you. I prefer to think there are more fish in the sea. You can't control what your heart tells you about love. You can control where you are when you meet the next one and it sounds like you are a romantic who is destined to find love and live a good life. Hang in there.

You can get through this!


Moms home cooking should help too.

a reply to: Cymru

Sorry to hear about the garbage your going through.

I know first hand how a lack of communication can result in some pretty dire consequences in a relationship.
All I can offer is telling you to be patient.
Try talking with her, even if just a little bit at a time every day or two.
Let her know you miss her and your step daughter.
Open up to her. Even if it has no effect, you at least tried.

a reply to: Justoneman

Thanks Guys.
As for feelings, I'm talking about the only Woman I have ever wanted to Marry.

I've had offers in the past but they were never "the One." She however, is exactly that. Hell I'm grinning at the thought of her face, sat here with a pint and the Sunday Paper. Shoot me now lol.

a reply to: Macenroe82

And since theres no Comms, I have no idea how Little One feels.
Me who sat through intensive care talking to her and holding her hand then 100s of hours of Dialysis. As many friends have sad, a lesser Man would have walked out after the diagnosis. I'm not that way though. The two most important Ladies in my life needed me and that was a no-brainer.
In either regret or begrudge any of that but it just adds to the hurt.

Listen my friend, you may not like what I am going to say to you, but is a genuine attempt to save you from further pain. Your former fiancée has been exercising the modern Alpha F..ks and Beta Bucks strategy and you have been on the sh.ty end of it. Lift heavy weights often and work on being a total jerk boy douche bag. You will do much better with women if you adopt that winning strategy.

a reply to: Cymru

There 3 billion women in the World. You will be fine. The first time you are with another woman all will be good.

Before you meet the next girl, read some self-improvement psychology books. Work on your own character. By working on your own character you will do better with the next girl. Women want everything. So it is important to be the best you can be.

There are lots of ways to be. What you have to mindful of is you are not like your parents. YOU ARE YOUR PARENTS. Our character is meld of the characters of everyone we've had relationships with. We have all our parents strengths and weaknesses. Until you get some perspective on what makes you who you are will bring baggage along in your relationships that will sabotage your chances for success.

You will be fine.

a reply to: dfnj2015

This is just the point. We both respected eachother and made no attempts to change personalities.
Its the most comfortable, loved and wanted I've ever felt. Previous incarnations have tried to change who I am and I loved her even more for allowing me to b me and that was reciprocated.

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: Justoneman
Thanks Guys.
As for feelings, I'm talking about the only Woman I have ever wanted to Marry.

You have to understand something. We do not invent what makes us a man and what makes us a woman a woman. The feelings you have for the "only Woman" is available to you with many women. You will find another woman who satisfies you completely. Man is meant to love woman. Man is meant to be with woman. There are 7.4 billion people planet for a reason.

In psychology terms there is Women with a capital W. And Man with a capital M. The big W and the big M are meant to love each other. What you found with your ex-fiancee, the feelings that you had, was your big M feelings for the big W. Again, you will be able to find these feelings with another woman because every woman is connected to the big W.

Now what is interesting in relationship, is how it changes over time. When you love someone for really long time there little unique idiosyncrasies become very endearing. For example, with my wife, anytime she's hungry she hiccups. Love with person you've been with for very long time becomes like habit. The familiarity and intimacy becomes very deep and profound.

I'm always surprised by how complicated people make love out to be. I think love is very simple. Love is little acts of kindness and affection for someone with no expectations in return.

There's nothing more beautiful and satisfying in the World than a woman. Just keep the faith. You will find another one.

originally posted by: CulturalResilience
Listen my friend, you may not like what I am going to say to you, but is a genuine attempt to save you from further pain. Your former fiancée has been exercising the modern Alpha F..ks and Beta Bucks strategy and you have been on the sh.ty end of it. Lift heavy weights often and work on being a total jerk boy douche bag. You will do much better with women if you adopt that winning strategy.

Cymru: about the advice above, I need to say ignore the "be a douche bag" part, becUse you sound wonderful! Do not change. You sound like a wonderful man that some woman is going to be so lucky to have, whether it's this current one if she comes to her senses, or someone else, even though I know you can't picture that right now.

Going to the gym is totally great advice though- that's always helped me through breakups.

a reply to: Cymru

Ah heck, its all the Internet's fault ...

Heart of Gold

originally posted by: KansasGirl

originally posted by: CulturalResilience
Listen my friend, you may not like what I am going to say to you, but is a genuine attempt to save you from further pain. Your former fiancée has been exercising the modern Alpha F..ks and Beta Bucks strategy and you have been on the sh.ty end of it. Lift heavy weights often and work on being a total jerk boy douche bag. You will do much better with women if you adopt that winning strategy.

Cymru: about the advice above, I need to say ignore the "be a douche bag" part, becUse you sound wonderful! Do not change. You sound like a wonderful man that some woman is going to be so lucky to have, whether it's this current one if she comes to her senses, or someone else, even though I know you can't picture that right now.

Going to the gym is totally great advice though- that's always helped me through breakups.

Only ignore the bit about being a douche if you are happy with a low notch count. And, by the way, never under any circumstances take dating/relationship advice from women or girls. Instead disregard what they say and learn to watch closely what they do. You will soon learn that the two things are very different.

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: dfnj2015

This is just the point. We both respected eachother and made no attempts to change personalities.
Its the most comfortable, loved and wanted I've ever felt. Previous incarnations have tried to change who I am and I loved her even more for allowing me to b me and that was reciprocated.

People are very complicated. Don't make her not wanting to be with you mean anything. Just walk away. You will find another girl with a better mindset suited to meet your needs.

But please also work on your character. Everyone has psychological baggage you bring with you into a relationship. It is important to work on your character so your baggage doesn't hurt you on the next relationship. Read a lot of books. Watch a lot of chic-flicks. Add some wrinkles and depth to your character. It will help you on the next one.

Stay away from women for a few months. You don't want to get into a rebound relationship. Clear your mind. And then find a new hobby. This is important. The way to get people to be interested in you is to be interested in something else. Having something meaningful to talk about is important. By doing some hobby you maybe you will find someone who is interested in something you are interested in.

Don't find someone in bars. In New Jersey, finding a women in a bar almost never works out.

a reply to: dfnj2015

New Jersey is a bit far from Sunny Cardiff but maybe I'll hop on a plane. Joking.
Cheered me up a bit, the thought of hopping on a plane and visiting the Quick Stop from Clerks gave me a smile.

a reply to: Cymru

[[[HUGS]]]
I'm so sorry you are going through this. And I'm sorry she left you without answers.

You endured A LOT with her. I can see where a relationship could get lost in all that.

But if she isn't willing to try, would it really be worth it? I'm sorry but it sounds like you loved her more than she loved you.

I know it won't help now, but I kept searching and found my KEEPER!

Best of luck to you!

a reply to: Cymru

Sorry... I've been exactly in the same place. Know what I learned after that 14 year period?

I should have seen it coming. Not my fault, not her fault, nor life's fault. Still.. it happened and I should have seen some small inkling it was coming. You too.

You missed the signs and that happens and not 100% on you. But you'll look back in years and see all the signs and what you could've or should've done.

Mine came to me being homeless in a burned out house with no windows just open air...I wondered what the he'll happened. It goes deeper than I'm saying...with a gun with a single bullet in my hand. This was now 47 years back... Much has changed.

Needless to say.. I'm here, Medical degree, relatively known musician.. It's all good you know?!

Now with another woman 30+ years...one day in your future... all will become clear, and you'll wonder how you didn't see it then.

Todays the first day of the rest of your life.. and the light will shine again. Have faith.. and don't be too hard on yourself.

Contact me privately anytime.. Best to you... M. S.

a reply to: Martin75

She was my keeper ;(

Even Irish Gerry said "looking at Her eyes She's genuine. Go for it Mikey. "

I'll have to have a little chat with Him