The Crush of First Love

When I was a youth and just starting out and life was ripe with still-to-comes (might be's)
So many paths I could have taken. My mind balks at the thought.
I met a young man. He called himself Kro. Two years older. Handsome. Exotic.
I had known no love before him.
With him I spent the most memorable summer of my early youth. A wonderful birthday. His present to me was a 12 pack of Corona and a pack of cigs in my locker. He would pick me up from school and I remember how I felt anxiously and joyfully approching his car, smile on both of our faces, the beauty of youthful love.
At least, I think it was love. It sure felt like love.
Those days and nights together were ours alone.
When he went to the Marines we wrote letters, wove dreams together, named our future children and planned crazy adventures. We yearned for one another, advised and comforted through our words.
But we were so young.
We made bad choices.
He did something irreperable. We lost the love.
It got away from us, as did the years. I moved away.
He tracked me down by phone once when we were in our early 20s. I believe I was a bit cruel, still stung by his actions.
He told me no one had ever measured up. I could not bring myself to tell him the same (although at the time it was true). I wish I had forgiven him.
I got married, twice. Now I have a beautiful family with my husband that I am blessed from God to have.
Let me share the end of the story of my first love because it is weighing me down and I have to let it go.
Here's to my first-

4/16/2017 I saw the news of your death today. So strange how I got there-- I found an old letter from you. It was deep--intense--just what I did and did not need to hear. About wanting to make our parents proud because one day they would be gone.. about how I should appreciate my mom and how I'd be a mom one day (and that I'd be the best).
I didn't know it was a message from the dead. I did know that a familiar and beloved voice had reached out to me from the past, in my new motherood, in the pain of my aging and ailing parents, and comforted me. You signed your full name. On a whim, I typed it into google hoping to her you had found happiness or some news of you but the first thing to pop up was a news article depicting a "horrific" murder. There was a picture. The age was about right. Did I or did I not recognize that man? A different link and I saw the Marine pic. Oh how my heart dropped. Yes it was you. The picture stared out at me-- the exact age I had known you. I remember. To C__ may your troubled soul find peace. RIP CMW 12/1/1976-8/13/2015)

Thanks ATS thought I had to share this deep and crushing experience with you to remind you to forgive each other, be good to each other, and love your family deeply because we are not promised tomorrow.

a reply to: zosimov

Hi zosimov!
That was really beautiful and also terribly sad.
I miss that feeling of being young and in love...not just with another person, but in love with so many things.
As each year passes I miss that feeling more.

I recently was thinking about my best friend from high school, and did a search for her name.
I was shocked and terribly upset to find her obituary from 2003, and also her brother's from 2007.
I have wonderful memories of both of them and when I read that, it felt so cruel that both of them were gone.

It's a painful reminder to all of us that somebody can literally be here today and gone tomorrow.
We should definitely tell our loved ones that we love them (as often as possible).
Thank you for sharing this.
*hugs* to you dear friend.
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl

Jacy, hugs right back to you and I enjoyed reading your lovely and poignant response.
That feeling of being young and in love is amazing and I feel can come in tiny glimpses but never in the same way as when it was all so new
Thanks again my friend.

a reply to: zosimov

Its true.
Life is to short to be angry.
I try my hardest to not allow things to bother me. And if they do but are out of my control, I simply remove it from my life.

Very nice words you shared with us

a reply to: Macenroe82

Thank you for reading and for the comment-- you have a great philospohy going there, forgiveness is a path that leads to no regrets!

a reply to: zosimov

Zos, I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully you see him again in the afterlife.

As for young youthful idealistic love, I confess I envy you because I don't think I'll ever experienced it because I am a cynic and a realist and I approach things more cautiously. My idealistic side has long been gone and I never even been in a relationship or been in love.

a reply to: starwarsisreal

Thank you for the really nice sentiment. I do definitely believe we are more than just earthly beings and it would be wonderful to meet up on a different plane with all of our loved ones, and all those who made a deep impact on our life without the corruption that seeps into so many of our relationships of this plane.
One can hope, yes?

Love is crushing but is worth the squeeze
I hope you reconsider and find that giving love alone (let alone recieving) is the best we can do here. Or am I a corny idealist?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Judy.....it's been 40 years. Sometimes when I play my guitar, I hear her singing...

They say one never forgets their first love , especially for men. This story gave me goose bumps as well as brought tears to my eyes. It's never too late to forgive , even when that soul has travelled on.. and yes.. sometimes I think they try and help us ( like finding the letter that prompted the search).. with our daily struggles. Beautiful inspiring story.. thank you for sharing🙂

Beautiful responses ATS. Thanks to each of you for this catharsis.

originally posted by: starwarsisreal
a reply to: zosimov


As for young youthful idealistic love, I confess I envy you because I don't think I'll ever experienced it because I am a cynic and a realist and I approach things more cautiously. My idealistic side has long been gone and I never even been in a relationship or been in love.

Hi starwarsisreal!
I hope you don't mind if I respond to your reply.

That youthful idealistic love was wonderful, but it's crushing when it ends. Mine resulted in marriage, 3 children and 16 years together only to be turned into cheating and a divorce when he met a woman at work (with no kids).

When your 'idealistic side' is long gone, it's like a loss of innocence (to me). I am now no longer idealistic, but I still believe that love can happen to anyone at any time...and love without that youthful idealism usually is more true and lasts longer.

Never say "never", friend. Somebody could walk into your life tomorrow and rock your world, lol.
jacy

originally posted by: jacygirl


That youthful idealistic love was wonderful, but it's crushing when it ends. Mine resulted in marriage, 3 children and 16 years together only to be turned into cheating and a divorce when he met a woman at work (with no kids).

When your 'idealistic side' is long gone, it's like a loss of innocence (to me). I am now no longer idealistic, but I still believe that love can happen to anyone at any time...and love without that youthful idealism usually is more true and lasts longer.

Never say "never", friend. Somebody could walk into your life tomorrow and rock your world, lol.
jacy

So true and so well written. There are many different ways to experience love (as Platos Symposium would tell us) and not all have to come with the crush.
I'd be content with a fully developed sense of "agape". Working on it and it's so easy with such beautiful souls on earth as these

Young love is definitely not like mature love. When young each emotion seems 100x more-well, everything and those memories never go away.

I know as I have aged to appreciate that intensity and let go of the not so sweetly remembered.

I have to say it sounds like you have a lovely life now and that is such a gift. Let your sweet soul live in the present; your memories will always be there as a comfort, not a loss. Best wishes for a continuing lovely life with your sweet family.

a reply to: jacygirl

Oh I know I'll find love but it wouldn't be the rose tinted hollywoody type of love though.

Instead I try to be pragmatic as possible. I live in LA for quite a while and the glamour of Hollywood just lost it's appeal.

I would had that youthful rose tinted love viewpoint at an earlier age though.

As Zos said, in this plane things including relationships get corrupted and I totally accept that as a realist.

a reply to: Justso

This was a wonderful response. I completely agree with you that I am so blessed with this family and that they give me something to be grateful for every day.

I found this out 2 days ago and was amazed at the spring of emotions that welled up in me. Talk about a lake being dredged lol.

But this was just the catharsis I needed and I appreciate all of the insightful and loving responses.

There are a range of different prices that have to be paid for love and grief is just one of them. I bet if you were honest with yourself you would not trade that grief off for never having had that first love. There is nothing quite so sad, or sweet as a first love lost, but it is part of what makes you who you are. Such tales as yours are not uncommon, indeed literary history and traditions are replete with them, but your's is a particularly poignant one.

a reply to: CulturalResilience

I agree that grief is always the price we pay for loving others. And absolutely I will take that price.
Great comment, thank you.

a reply to: zosimov

Zos,

Deleted. I didn't realize how much I wasn't ready to deal with this.. my apologies
To the thread.gonna go down into the meat freezer and dig out my bottle of crown x.o.

Here is a cyberhug/Hugs

Respectfully,
~Meathead

a reply to: Mike Stivic

Meathead, here's a hug right back at ya.

Peace to you brother.
Zos

a reply to: jacygirl

Ouch, somehow I failed to address the crux of your post. I am so sorry to hear about your friend and can imagine your shock and dismay at the news.
I'd like to share what my friend wrote to me when I told her what happened.

And even sad things like your former beau can be sweet reminders of our ephemeral existence and the need to appreciate those experiences and those we experience them with. It's like each wonderful person or experience we encounter becomes yet another jewel in our gown glinting off the light and making us more beautiful with its reflection.

Thanks again Jacy.