Bullying In a Rural Setting

My daughter and her friend are being bullied at school. My daughter is a junior in high school and on the autistic spectrum. Her friend (we'll call her Ellie) is a sophomore, has had a very rough life and so has a lot on her plate psychologically right now. This began with these boys tormenting Ellie and my daughter stood up for her, so they are beginning to target her too. These girls aren't partiers, they are quiet, studious, shy and a bit socially awkward. They rely upon each other a great deal for emotional and social support. They are also small, about 5'2" and both under a buck ten. They are being incessantly harassed (nothing sexual) by a group of sophomore boys.

Now neither girl is perfect, Ellie can be a know-it-all in that insufferable way that only 16 year old girl's can manage. My daughter has a razor wit that she has used more than once to thoroughly humiliate people in as public a way as possible, I mean she is savage when pushed. This smartassedness contributed to the situation with the boy her sophomore year, and is exacerbating this situation. They are shy, and don't start trouble, but they aren't helpless Saints either.

This is a small school (about 200 students) in a rural community. My daughter has attended the school system here since kindergarten. She is well known and we have not had many problems. In fact, staff and students have been kind and supportive, until last year when things began to change. A boy shoved her when she was a sophomore, that got sorted, ( because I am a wretched, relentless, noisy bi**h). However, bullying and even violent behavior is becoming more and more prevalent at this school and almost all of it seems to be boys bullying girls.

More and more parents are pulling their kids out of this school. The administration seems unwilling to acknowledge an issue until someone gets hurt and even then, if the girl or her family is not of a high enough social standing it get's ignored. To make matters even more complicated, in this case these boys are popular athletes who are stars of the basketball team, so it is highly unlikely admin will do anything at all. If they do, it's because they are scared of me (yes I am THAT mom, and yes I will say the "L" word and they know it).

I have contacted the father of my daughter's friend (single dad) and he had no idea what was going on, but he is making it a matter of public record at the school. I contacted the father of one of the boys that my daughter recognized just so he knows what's going on and so I can hopefully get the other side of the story. So far, I haven't heard from him.

Any insight or advice here is appreciated, and I will try to consider all perspectives if you try to be respectful.

a reply to: redhorse

You have no choice except to withdraw her from that school and as soon as humanly possible. School Administrators are uncaring and always willing to close a blind eye to problems like this. Pithy but true, "you can't fight city hall". I live in a rural area and nearly a quarter of the students have pulled out of the public school system because of problems like this. A nurse at our Doctor's office had to pull both her children out and enroll them in the local private academy because of this very "bullying" issue.

The local public school system is so poorly rated, I'd guess that this year or next it will be taken over by the State and that won't fix the poor performance problem either.

Yank her out!

I also live rural with my youngest in a small school.
Thankfully, no major problems, just a few normal 9yr old boy issues.
That being said- befriend the secretary! That's the real power in small schools. The kids themselves know if the secretary has eyes on you, your day is not going well.
Principles tend to be very defensive and protective of "their" school. Which is the problem. To much politics involved with locals getting their way before what's needed to take care of the children's need first.
This is where the secretary comes in.
She or he is basically the one that does all the work.in a small school. Talk to her and see if she has any ideas. Taking one out for dinner with your kids and her/his kids is a small price to pay for peace. It also gets everyone in a different environment to talk about what's going on. Let that person see and hear.for themselves that your kids are worth defending. No principal wants his secretary pissed at him, it makes life very hard.

Good luck, and god bless.

I'm still trying to work out why you saying "Lemonade" scares them so much....

originally posted by: TonyS
a reply to: redhorse

You have no choice except to withdraw her from that school and as soon as humanly possible. School Administrators are uncaring and always willing to close a blind eye to problems like this. Pithy but true, "you can't fight city hall". I live in a rural area and nearly a quarter of the students have pulled out of the public school system because of problems like this. A nurse at our Doctor's office had to pull both her children out and enroll them in the local private academy because of this very "bullying" issue.

The local public school system is so poorly rated, I'd guess that this year or next it will be taken over by the State and that won't fix the poor performance problem either.

Yank her out!

Well that option is definitely on the table. It makes me angry though. She's already being recruited by schools and I'm not sure how to navigate what colleges want from home schooled students.

originally posted by: Natas0114
I also live rural with my youngest in a small school.
Thankfully, no major problems, just a few normal 9yr old boy issues.
That being said- befriend the secretary! That's the real power in small schools. The kids themselves know if the secretary has eyes on you, your day is not going well.
Principles tend to be very defensive and protective of "their" school. Which is the problem. To much politics involved with locals getting their way before what's needed to take care of the children's need first.
This is where the secretary comes in.
She or he is basically the one that does all the work.in a small school. Talk to her and see if she has any ideas. Taking one out for dinner with your kids and her/his kids is a small price to pay for peace. It also gets everyone in a different environment to talk about what's going on. Let that person see and hear.for themselves that your kids are worth defending. No principal wants his secretary pissed at him, it makes life very hard.

Good luck, and god bless.

This is good advice, but I am friends with her and that's part of how I know people are pulling students out. She does keep an eye on my daughter but even she feels like her hands are tied to a point.

originally posted by: Shamrock6
I'm still trying to work out why you saying "Lemonade" scares them so much....

Dude whatever. Stuff it up your...

a reply to: redhorse

The problem is that too many parents are like, "My little boy/girl can be such an a bitch. Well, that's that I guess! It's just who they are!" While you say, "My daughter has a razor wit that she has used more than once to thoroughly humiliate people in as public a way as possible, I mean she is savage when pushed," that kids' parents say, "My junior is an awesome kid, he just gets violent when people humiliate him in public." Sounds more like a problem that should have been resolved by the parents a long time ago. So, what do you do about? Either change their behavior, or deal with the consequences of it... obviously.
Too many people, like the baselss and generally stupid comment below mine as I'm typing this, just assume that people dedicate their entire lives to a profession and don't care about it because... well, there's never really a reason given. Mainly just because they didn't get their way once or twice. Funny how parents will point fingers everywhere but at themselves. Well, in public or online anyway. I imagine they think about it a great deal in private... yet inexplicably refuse to do anything about it. It's why I gave up on education. Sorry kids, your parents suck and I'm not paid nearly enough to fix you AND deal with them.

a reply to: redhorse

request a meeting with the parents involved and let ALL sides of the story be heard. Then give the kids a chance to sit down and see if it can be fixed like adults. (Yes, I know they are kids, but offer them the chance to act grown up, and it might yield results).

If this doesn't work, you have lost a little time, but not much else. If it does work, you will have shown several young people and a few adults how to deal with real world issues in the real world. (a priceless learning experience)

Or, get an automatic weapon and kill everyone. (just had to offer the alternative in case you didn't like option 1)

Young boys, testosterone and puberty and their psychological and physical body changes. Mixed with poor male role models in their life and throw in a dash of athletic elitism. ANYTHING FOR THE W.

Frankly, just keep being on top of it. Otherwise not much you can do.

Playful teasing and physical contact(non sexual) is fine at that age, it's natural. They're inability to know when to stop, and what is too far, is a indication of the failure of their male role models. You can't change that, sadly, just have to endure.

On the flip side, you could pay some 17 year old boys from another school to kick the crap out of them. Just use bitcoin so it won't be traced....

a reply to: redhorse

Ah, I see. Well maybe you could get together with people who have pulled their kids out and have a meeting about why they did. Perhaps invite the principal or administrator, so they can hear first hand why they are losing students. Visibility is a big deal, especially to people who want to be important.
They really wouldn't want a bunch of locals speaking about their failures in a place they frequent. I wish I had a sure fire way to help, but, looks like your in a uphill battle.
Keep your chin up.

a reply to: redhorse

Case in point.. you say you'll consider any respectful suggestions... then basically blow everyone off. "Yeah, good point! EXCEPT now I'm going to tell you why I won't actually consider anything else has to say." So, you're a relentless b*tch, who feels her problems are so unique that she simply cannot be helped, but wants to invite the efforts of others so that... I don't know. Why exactly are you posting? Not to take advice. From your description, it doesn't sound like things will be any easier for your daughter anywhere else. That's the point I'm getting at.

Does that bug anyone else? When someone asks for advice, and they're all "yeah... but... no." You asked for it. Say thanks and move on if you're not going to do anything but shut down the conversation beyond that. Geesh.

a reply to: bender151

They do keep their heads down. My daughter said some smart assed thing to that first boy when he was being sexually pushy with a girl in her class. Everyone cracked up and he never quite lived it down, and he just got nastier and nastier with her until it culminated in physical violence. She wasn't fighting back and she hadn't provoked him after that initial embarrassment. There was an investigation and witnesses to the static between them. He was the aggressor. That kid ultimately left the volatile family environment he was in and he and my daughter have mended things.

She's capable of acerbic comments but she's never been in trouble.

a reply to: network dude

That is a good idea. Hopefully other parents will be receptive.

originally posted by: Natas0114
a reply to: redhorse

Ah, I see. Well maybe you could get together with people who have pulled their kids out and have a meeting about why they did. Perhaps invite the principal or administrator, so they can hear first hand why they are losing students. Visibility is a big deal, especially to people who want to be important.
They really wouldn't want a bunch of locals speaking about their failures in a place they frequent. I wish I had a sure fire way to help, but, looks like your in a uphill battle.
Keep your chin up.

It is an uphill battle. This is a good idea too, I am almost afraid to try; most people don't like to rock the boat.

originally posted by: bender151
a reply to: redhorse

Case in point.. you say you'll consider any respectful suggestions... then basically blow everyone off. "Yeah, good point! EXCEPT now I'm going to tell you why I won't actually consider anything else has to say." So, you're a relentless b*tch, who feels her problems are so unique that she simply cannot be helped, but wants to invite the efforts of others so that... I don't know. Why exactly are you posting? Not to take advice. From your description, it doesn't sound like things will be any easier for your daughter anywhere else. That's the point I'm getting at.

Does that bug anyone else? When someone asks for advice, and they're all "yeah... but... no." You asked for it. Say thanks and move on if you're not going to do anything but shut down the conversation beyond that. Geesh.

I'm not sure exactly who put that bee up your butt, but it doesn't have anything to do with me. Maybe you should go deal with whoever it was who actually pi**ed you off instead of wasting your time here. Your previous post indicated that you might be a teacher. I hope not, but that would explain a lot about why our educational system is such a mess. Your reading comprehension is atrocious, you are mind blindingly assumptive, prone to psychological projection and you are so angry you can't even think straight.

I get it. I'm a bad mom with an entitled brat. An entitled brat who was attacked and shoved to the ground by a boy nearlytwice her size and her friend had a door shoved in her face so hard she got a black eye, a fat lip and a chipped tooth but was told to just toughen up. But you know, they deserved it.

originally posted by: redhorse
a reply to: network dude

That is a good idea. Hopefully other parents will be receptive.

Billed as a "learning experience for all", who could say no? Good luck.

In Texas it all boils down to the school board in the end. take it to the board in an open hearing and see where it goes. If nothing happens, leave the district and homeschool or find other accomodations.

But there is no need to have an autistic child have to tolerate that. As you know, autistic people tend to struggle with conflict.

a reply to: redhorse

Is home schooling the only option available?

a reply to: redhorse

So, just an update. We did not pull her out of school which was a mistake. This situation has progressed and this morning we are going to file a police report because he physically assaulted her at school yesterday. Even though the school moved her and him into different classes so they wouldn't be in proximity to each other. He just dropped into an informal class where he isn't supposed to be and hurt her while the teacher wasn't present.

She has three months to before she graduates.