Softball with AugustusMasonicus

We haven’t really gotten too deep into politics on this thread but that’s all going to change today, bigly, as we welcome a member so far left they make Chairman Mao blush shades of Commie Red he didn’t even know existed. This poster is so far left that even Antifa flees before him in terror when he shows up at rallies with his bullhorn and metal pipe.

All of you Trumpers who would love to sit down, sip a beer with him and attempt to demonstrate the validity of your opinions are welcome to, but he doesn’t drink beer, he drinks chai tea with soy milk, so get bent. Please help me welcome our very own pinko-leftist, Theantedilluvian.

AM: Why are you so triggered?

AD: Phew! I'm glad you lobbed me a few softball questions to get started before going for the jugular.

As I always (never) say, one person's "triggered" is another person's "woke." Right? No need to answer, that was rhetorical. I'm just super woke. Like a chain smoking, stimulant insufflating insomniac, pounding energy drinks, in a car going 100 mph with the AC cranked up, the windows rolled down and RATM blaring at speaker exploding volume. Can I get a f*** yeah?

AM: How massive are your biceps from carrying the left’s water on this site?

AD: Clearly, you've been carrying water all wrong. You've got to get a shoulder yoke. My biceps are indeed yuge but it's actually from swinging bike locks.

AM: What’s it like living on Virtue Mountain?

AD: Awesome af? Who wouldn't want to live on Virtue Mountain? I mean, sure, it sounds a little puritanical but nah, it's great up here.

People pretty much do what they want as long as they're not harming anyone. We've got a little garden going *wink* *wink*. (snitches get stitches) We've got most of the smart people and most of the talented people.

It's great. All the cool kids are here.

And sometimes, when I've had a few too many martinis, I climb up onto the parapet around the top of my ivory tower and I relieve myself on the much (much, much, much) shorter, semi-erect Trump Tower, far below.

Probably where that whole Steele Dossier thing started.

Also, Scott Baio is banned for life. That b**** ass mother ******. He knows why.

AM: When you are out Warrioring against Social Injustice do you prefer to do it in a skirt or pant suit?

AD: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. You think you know what it's like to be free? You've never known real freedom until you've experienced ventilation like that.

Sometimes I look at my junk and I'm like, "You know why you're like Iraq? Because this American liberated the s*** out of you."

Also, it makes it easier to fill balloons during combat.

Though, to be fair, some of Clinton's futuristic pant suits might be considered appropriate unisex attire at some point after we join the Intergalactic Federation.

When you think about it, they're both functional and versatile. Add a few rhinestones and suddenly, you're Elvis. Ruffles? Boom, Liberace. So, I guess it's fair to say that unlike a Clinton presidency, I'm not entirely ruling them out.

AM: Can you give us one positive action that Trump has taken?

AD: He's stopped taking super creepy pictures with Ivanka in his lap. Also he sorta fired Flynn and Bannon.

AM: Do your neighbors revile you because you keep climbing over or tunneling under the fences separating your properties?

AD: Here on Virtue Mountain, we have no fences. Just deep "re-education pits" where we throw deplorables until they learn to think correct thoughts. Of course I'm kidding — as if we'd ever have any deplorables up here.

In all seriousness, I don't have neighbors. I mean I had neighbors but I chased them all away with my liberal proselytizing. That's really working out great for me though, because now I'm snatching up houses like you wouldn't believe and I haven't had to pay off any local politicians to force my former neighbors out with eminent domain — screw you Trump U — I did it my way.

AM: Why do you want to see innocent Americans get murdered by foreigners?

AD: Who told you that? Libelous fake news lies! The only people who should be murdering innocent Americans are other Americans. I'm totally against foreigners taking our jobs.

And of course, I'm just joking. The only people who I want to see murdered by anyone are people making "found footage" movies. Utter scum. Just horrible, horrible people. Degenerates.

AM: What do you dislike more, the Constitution or Capitalism?

AD: Capitalism. And it's not that I dislike capitalism. It's just that "free market" zealots are insane people who seem to believe unregulated free market capitalism is an outgrowth of the natural world, or worse a God-given gift to mankind. They're even nuttier than communists.

Most people are actually not half as in love with unfettered capitalism as their yammering would lead you to believe though.

They're all survival of the fittest, channeling Ayn Rand and bleating about "socialism!" when it comes to something like healthcare for the poor but when Google yanks ads from their favorite fake news blog, "ERMAGHERD! It's just like 1984!"

Or the recent mind-bending popularity of so-called "anti-globalism" or as AJ says it, "globblelism." Yeah dummies — in free markets, employers can move jobs where the labor is cheapest. And then they get all excited when a manufacturer promises to build a factory in the US in exchange for millions and millions in subsidies.

My personal favorite is the self-described capitalist who argues that illegal immigrants are "taking our jobs" because, though they profess a deep abiding affinity for capitalism, they don't even grasp the fundamentals.

AM: Fidel or Josef?

AD: Stalin or Mengele? You have to be more specific. I read somewhere on ATS that Nazis were the same thing as commies and Antifa are commies and I love me some commies. Did I show you my bike lock yet?

AM: You used to make some really good science-related threads but haven’t in some time, are you going to blame Trump for dumbing you down too?

AD: Let's get this straight. Trump didn't dumb anyone down. They were already dumb. That's how he got elected. (if you're reading this Hillary Clinton, you do *not* have my permission to use that in your next book)

AM: You live in the same semi-socialist utopia that I do, New Jersey, why the hell haven’t you made the jump to the majors and moved to Taxachusetts or Commiefornia?

AD: I'm afraid that my body has irreversibly adapted to the chemical cocktail that swirls in the NJ aquifers. I don't know what would happen if I moved too far away from a Du Pont factory.

And really, who wants an intact clear coat on their car anyway?

There was a time when I considered moving to California but at the end of the day, that didn't seem very practical so now I'm focused on building a dome over my house and yard.


 






edit on 6-10-2017 by AugustusMasonicus because: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

AM: What rules does this radical live by?

AD: ¡Viva la Revolución! That's Mexican for 'Merica!

A few in no particular order:


• Think twice, speak once.
  
  
• Admit your mistakes and move on.
  
  
• Don't eat food at a potluck, particularly one at work.
  
  
• If you drive a truck and you have friends, people are probably going to ask you to help them move.
  
  
• Never assume you're irreplaceable, take deliberate measures to assure that you are.
  
  
• A margarita made with sour mix is not a margarita, it's a disgusting, heartburn-inducing abomination made by assholes for assholes.
  
  
• If you don't have anything nice to say, you could probably make a living on conservative talk radio.
  
  That's all you get for free. If you want more of my pearls of wisdom, you'll have to purchase a copy of my forthcoming book, The Dome Wasn't Built in a Day.
  
  AM: Alright, time for your Softballs. Marry/fornicate/kill: Coulter, Kellyanne, Palin?
  
  AD: Marry Kellyanne because she's a soulless wretch who will make up anything in defense of her man.
  
  Hate**** Coulter because that might stop her from talking for a few minutes. And there's just something about her smugness that elicits a visceral reaction from own smugness.
  
  And ki—heywaitaminutehere. Was this all an elaborate ploy to get me a visit from the SS? No thanks! I don't need them discovering all the printing presses I have churning out $100 bills to fund the revolution.
  
  AM: Give me your favorite film?
  
  AD: Oh, so now you're trying to get the answers to my password recovery questions? You sir, are a diabolical such-n-such, even as Masons go. I hate these sorts of questions and frankly, I'm considering hating you for asking them. Who can narrow down their favorites to just one? Absurd!
  
  Red Dawn because eff Russian invasions. Wolverines! Actually, it could be Goonies but maybe not. Probably something from the 80's though.
  
  AM: Favorite TV show besides the entire programming slate at MSNBC?
  
  AD: Expedition Unknown because Josh Gates is living the life. Big fan of Archer (is it weird that I have a ritual of drinking cocktails while watching a cartoon?), Game of Thrones and most recently, I binge watched Rick and Morty to get caught up.
  
  AM: Favorite non-Saul Alinsky tome?
  
  AD: Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson.
  
  AM: Favorite band or musician?
  
  AD: I can't name just one. It's impossible. Thievery Corporation, NIN, RATM, Portishead, lately RTJ. If you asked me tomorrow, you'd probably get a different answer.
  
  AM: Favorite meal besides wheat grass?
  
  AD: Bone-in as-rare-as-they'll-serve-it ribeye, asparagus with béarnaise (or hollandaise), button mushrooms, garlic mashed potatoes. 3 margaritas. Crème brûlée (no fruit).
  
  AM: Tell us about your avatar, is it some sort of virtue signal or testosterone-removing device?
  
  AD: My avatar for the last few years has been The Isolator, a helmet designed in 1925 by Hugo Gernsback, a Luxembourgish American inventor, radio pioneer, writer and renowned editor/publisher of science & technology and science fiction magazines.
  
  Among the magazines he founded was the legendary Amazing Stories — the first magazine dedicated entirely to science fiction — a magazine that published the first stories of a number of important sci-fi writers including Asimov and Le Guin.
  
  His instrumental role in popularizing sci-fi has led him to be commonly identified as one of the fathers of science fiction. The Hugo Awards are named for him.
  
  The purpose of the Isolator was to isolate the wearer from distractions by blocking out noises and narrowing his field of view, thereby facilitating concentration. The tank would have been used to pump in oxygen.
  
  The Isolator debuted in the July, 1925 issue of Gernsback's magazine, Science and Invention.
  
  When I first saw images of it, it immediately struck a chord with me. For one, I was a weird kid who made "inventions" of my own — often by disassembling my toys and reconfiguring them in less practical ways.
  
  One of those "inventions" was my own stimuli suppressing mask, inspired by reading about sensory deprivation tanks when I was maybe 12. It was constructed of a pair of totally rad shades, cardboard, a pair of headphones and gobs of duct and electrical tape.
  
  I actually wore it while listening to the 1978 BBC Radio broadcast of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on cassette.
  
  It's amazing I survived childhood. I'm pretty sure prior to enlarging the nose holes after the first couple episodes, I was in moderate danger of suffocation.
  
  Secondly, something about it reminded me of Charles Fort, at work at his desk, making his notes of strange phenomena on some 60,000 slips of paper.
  
  I think it also conveys a certain nostalgia for a time when the the most amazing things seemed right around the corner. And also, as it entirely obscures the wearer's face, it renders him anonymous, another parallel to posting on ATS in addition to my fondness for sharing Forteana.
  
  AM: Finally (thank God), Trump summons you to the White House for a Beer Summit, which ATS member do you take and why?
  
  AD: Trick question! Donald Trump is a teetotaler. He also eats his steak well done. How did this un-American beta get elected again?
  
  But if he was to have a Beer Summit, I would look for a member with really specific qualities — an attractive woman with mono — because you know how he "just can't help himself."
  
  If I couldn't find somebody who fit the bill, I'd bring you so that you could write about my exploits as assuming that after a few drinks, I'd probably say something offensive enough that I'd end up in Gitmo. But it would also be hilarious and people should read about it.
  
  Ante resides in the desolate wasteland of Wawas and pizzerias that is South Jersey, home to the Jersey Devil, a number of Superfund sites and zero statues of the second place finishers of major military conflicts. Though he assures us that if there were any such statues, he'd be leading the charge to topple them. (because he wants to destroy history)
  
  On rare events, possibly coinciding with events in an arcane calendar used by communists, anarchists and other Soros shills, he's still known to whip up a batch of homemade margaritas and post something interesting that isn't fake news about Donald Trump.

Well, that wraps up this month’s segment, don’t you all feel like running out to a football game and kneeling during the anthem? No? How about punching a statue of Stonewall Jackson in the face? Either way, this interview should show you that deep down we’re all true, proud Americans, except if were not, like this guy.

Ante, thanks for joining us today, I appreciate you exposing your inner most self, which we found is like a tiny version of Che Guevara mating with Pol Pot. Your parting gifts today are signed copy of The Art of the Deal and a Colt Python so you can blast a few holes in it and see what it feels like to be a masculine, non-cuck, anti-snowflake American.

This also wraps up our first year of Softball and I wanted to thank my patron Moderator who was critical in setting this thread up, DontTreadOnMe. Thank you for your help in getting this off the ground and for helping to keep it current every month, your assistance was crucial in making this happen. So, it’s kinda your fault when it inevitably goes south. Until next time.

Leave it to Ante to have a long winded interview.

TLDR version: Ante lied and said he loves steak and potatoes. We know he hates America too much for that to be true. it's actually made of tofu and sea weed.

Another great edition

a reply to: FauxMulder


Is that you P.G.T. Beauregard?

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

If I say no are my monuments safe?

a reply to: FauxMulder


Oh, sure, sure they are.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Another great interview!

But you have to come clean, getting so close to AD, did he take any of your freedoms?

originally posted by: DBCowboy
But you have to come clean, getting so close to AD, did he take any of your freedoms?

I felt like Gunther after this was done.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Gunther read the interview and he agrees with you.

But then I beat him for reading when he wasn't allowed.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Gunther read the interview and he agrees with you.

But then I beat him for reading when he wasn't allowed.

I honestly needed a Karen Silkwood wire brush scrub down after this. My soul felt so dirty.


Hah, who am I kidding? I don't have one.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Gunther read the interview and he agrees with you.

But then I beat him for reading when he wasn't allowed.

I honestly needed a Karen Silkwood wire brush scrub down after this. My soul felt so dirty.


Hah, who am I kidding? I don't have one.

I didn't realize you were a Ginger.

*runs to unfriend Gus on Facebook*

a reply to: DBCowboy

We're not a goddamn ginger! Go look in the friggin mirror.

Another great interview, you two.

I'm boycotting you now, Augustus.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I'm boycotting you now, Augustus.

That makes two us.

#SellOut

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I'm boycotting you now, Augustus.

That makes two us.

#SellOut

10 'Hail Donalds' for your penance, my son.

a reply to: IAMTAT


I also will make absolution to Ivanka.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I'm boycotting you now, Augustus.

That makes two us.

#SellOut

10 'Hail Donalds' for your penance, my son.

But if a demon prays to a demon it might open a gateway to hell.

Do it.

originally posted by: FauxMulder

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT
I'm boycotting you now, Augustus.

That makes two us.

#SellOut

10 'Hail Donalds' for your penance, my son.

But if a demon prays to a demon it might open a gateway to hell.

Do it.

I believe that only opens a booth at a Denny's in Newark.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Aren't those one in the same?

a reply to: IAMTAT


I would prefer the Tick Tock diner over Denny's.