Have Any Of You Noticed This Trend Also?

There are many things about human relationships which confound even the most astute thinker. From the way relationships form, to the goings on that define them, their strengths and weaknesses, their benefits and disadvantages, we are constantly beset by utterly befuddling factors, which seem arbitrary in some respects, and formulaic and tedious in others.

However, one trend I have noticed seems to contain far less logic and good sense, than any other.

I am a single man, and to state that I am very single is not an overstatement. Not only am I single, but those who meet me in person, and spend any time with me at all (particularly meal times, I must confess) are not at all surprised to learn that I receive little to no female attention. That is not to say that I have no female friends, since that would be inaccurate in the extreme. However, I do not receive the sort of attention from the ladies, that has even the slightest hope of developing into anything other than friendship. I am used to that, though it is unfortunate.

However, looking at my life history, my relationship history, looking at my level of desirability to the opposite sex and all the other metrics that pertain to how useful my input might be on the matter, one would reasonably assume that the last person one ought consult on affairs of the heart, is me. Simply put, I have been ignored at best, and invisible at worst for the last four years now, in that particular regard, so I must either be doing something entirely wrong, or simply be, as I suspect, obsolete in today's world, with regard to my level of desirability.

And yet, I am the one that friends come to for advice when their relationships are collapsing, the one they turn to when the behaviour of their partner confounds them, the one they come to for support and input when they are having trouble telling a person how they feel about them, and indeed when they are having trouble extricating themselves from relationships they no longer want to be a part of, but cannot stop dipping their toes, and other things, back into for the sheer hell of it.

My life is so strange, so bizarre as a result, that even a woman in whom I have significant interest, despite our being two VERY different people in a whole host of very prohibitive ways, feels comfortable telling me about the eccentric orbit she is making away from her ex boyfriend, and how often that orbit finds her back in his bed, despite the ceasing of their relationship proper. She knows nothing of my feelings of course, because they are utterly ridiculous, and I am the polar opposite of her type, which, in combination with several other factors, renders my intense enjoyment of her company utterly irrelevant.

I have been friends with that particular lady for some time, so of course, I have no particular issue with hearing her issues, and commenting into them from time to time, when I think it would help. But I have to admit, that it gets no easier to hear her pine for someone else, despite the fact that I know cognitively that she and I will never be anything more to one another than what we are. But even were that not the case, why would anyone ask me, a man so single that he has forgotten what it is like to be kissed, to comment? I have NO useful input to make! I am the LAST person on the face of creation that ANYONE should be asking about relationships, or love, or even how to get a girl to notice one exists, because I obviously have NO bloody idea whatsoever, and the evidence bares this out!

Look at the facts!:

No women in my social circle have any romantic intention toward me

I am not able to deal well with the modern thinking surrounding dating

I do not do dating

I do not do chat up lines, or have "game"

I have not even been touched in four years

I am INCREDIBLY lonely

I cannot even manage my own feelings about any of these things, leave alone figure out the complexities of others

What the hell, therefore, is the point in any person asking me what I think, about this relationship collapse, that weird sexual quirk, this drama, that let down, this difficult approach to ask for a ladies time.... I honestly do not understand why I attract as many requests for advice as I do. Its like asking the janitor whether he thinks the LHC needs to be run higher or lower in power to produce a certain bloody emission. It makes no flipping sense, and it is beginning to feel like the punchline in some vast cosmic joke.

You are the "at least i'm not that guy", when everything seems to be collapsing for them they go to you and after they think, hey! at least i'm not him!!! and they feel better already

a reply to: TrueBrit

You are somehow causing yourself to being 'friend zoned'. Sometimes being too nice of a person can do this.

Maybe they think you have an outsider's view on things, and can remain somewhat impartial? Or maybe they are looking for confirmation of their own opinions, and they think you're the one to provide it?

(Just to make sure: You're not asking for advice, yourself, or are you?)

a reply to: TrueBrit

I know know the feeling man. It's tough dealing with lonliness. You can to the same realization as me. Whatever you have been doing obviously hasn't had success. This leaves two options for me. One change yourself. By this I mean mentally and physically. You need to change the way you perceive yourself and the world around you. Your goal should be too become the best version of you. Take the qualities you like about yourself and magnify them. Focus on breaking your bad habits or anything you see as holding you back. Don't make you focus about finding someone to make you happy, focus on finding that happiness/completeness within yourself. When you are the person you are meant to be you will attract those who are meant to be with you. The other option I see is to just accept where you are now and live with it. I hope you see how amazing of a person you are and keep your head up because I believe in you

What do you do for fun?

I've noticed this trend, too- going on 8 years now without romance/intimacy. I'm not sure what your situation is, but for me, the best places to meet women for more than casual friendship were 1>at work in a job with lots of employees 2>college. I had so many opportunities that I turned down that I have a lot of regret and try to push these out of my mind.

Hang in there, I think that the harder we look, the less likely we are to find what we are looking for. Loneliness is not much fun... I spend time volunteering, and while I haven't YET met anyone that has a potential for more than casual friendship, it still provides an opportunity for POSSIBLY achieving that goal.

a reply to: reldra

reldra,

I would argue that I am the only person I can live with being. I do not know that I am too nice of a person, and if that does indeed turn out to be the case, then I am lost, because I can only be the person I am. To be someone else... well that would be someone else's job.

a reply to: japhrimu

No, I am not seeking advice, just seeking to know if I am the only person experiencing this bizarre paradox.

a reply to: Abbadon1313

I am comfortable enough in my skin Abbadon1313.

I am just confused as to the reason why people who are clearly further along the road than I am in some respects, come seeking my advice about things with which I have had only historical familiarity.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Hit the gym, and be more flirtatious and tease women in a playful manner, might help. Good luck to you.

a reply to: Mandroid7

I hang with my friends (a fairly numerous group of metalheads of both sexes), drink rum, occasionally go for long walks, listen to heavy metal, and talk about current affairs and other matters on the net. I like to go out occasionally, to the bar, and sometimes to a venue which plays metal music locally.

a reply to: seattlerat

So you too are familiar with the strange coincidence of having no relevant data to impart, but being asked for your opinion anyway?

How does this sort of thing affect you, when it happens?

a reply to: TrueBrit

Hell! This hurts my heart. I just wanna give you a hug.

Here's my opinion.

You are too smart.

Bare with me.

It sounds like you are over analyzing the situation. Are you data dumping potential ladies? I did it when I was getting desperate.
Girls want emotional stability that IS., not talked about. They see that from a mile away.

It is the reason aholes get the ladies.

If you are socializing and smiling, it is infectious, they will want to know you.
You have to not overload their brains after that.

People wanna just hang out and veg their brains after a hard days work.

So my advise is be dumber lol

a reply to: Innocuous

The day I sweat without being paid to do so, is the day I decide to remove myself from the frame. I have SOME dignity remaining to me!

Besides, I am not looking to change myself. If I am not enough as I am, then that is how it shall have to be, and I shall have to rot in my grave knowing it. I do not mind, if that is how it must be. My main question is how it is that rational people come to a near professional level singleton for relationship advice. This thread is not here to get me tips and pointers on playing a game which to me is not a game. It is here to ask a question, and receive answers relating explicitly to it, though I thank you for your input all the same.

a reply to: TrueBrit

I am sorry my friend for this conundrum you are experiencing, maybe you just have that face, the one that says this is the place, to dump your relationship crap at my floor, when all I want is for you you to find the door!

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: Mandroid7

I hang with my friends (a fairly numerous group of metalheads of both sexes), drink rum, occasionally go for long walks, listen to heavy metal, and talk about current affairs and other matters on the net. I like to go out occasionally, to the bar, and sometimes to a venue which plays metal music locally.

Damn dude, that is more fun than I usually have.
I thought you may have a networking issue. Not so.
You got the IN there.
Try "dumbing down" the convo, see if that works.
Girls just wanna have fun.

a reply to: Mandroid7

All of which is probably sound advice, but rather avoids answering my query.

What is the root of this strange paradox. What about me makes folk believe I have anything useful to impart, when all I really know is how to survive the grinding, crushing void that surrounds me.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Perhaps it is because they see you as unbiased and/or nonthreatening that they have either intentionally or subconsciously placed you in the therapist role? Or perhaps they know that you are aware that their relationships are toxic and irrational, and are hoping you can talk some sense into them?

I can definitely relate to most of what you have said on some level, but just out of curiosity, have you tried expressing to your friends what you have just shared here? I could never muster the courage myself, or even imagine how that conversation might unfold, which I found ironic as those people were probably the most able and willing to help me with those issues in my own life.

At any rate, Freud probably figured this one out. I'll probably end up doing some reading later. Best of luck.