Coping with loss (Miscarriage)

Hey ATS.

I've been rather quiet lately and for that I apologise - I may have been a tad hostile too, please forgive me.


My girlfriend of 5 years recently had a miscarriage. We have been having some troubles lately with communication and the 'power struggle' part of our relationship, but we sorted it out through negotiation and mutual respect for one another. Then just after we've fallen back into a more mature kind of love - BOOM - this happens.

I've been knocked absolutely for six by this and simply do not know what to do, or how to cope.
I've been accessing all different websites and talking to all kinds of online 'help people' but nothing seems to be working, I feel numb, I feel like someone is reaching into my chest and pulling out my heart. And I feel so very, very, very upset for my partner. I don't even know what to say to her.

I keep breaking down into floods of tears and spirals of random grief. At the moment I am trying to be strong for my wonderful, wonderful lady but my facade keeps slipping. She told her friend first - and I'm fine with that, as her friend is another lady, but she went about it the wrong way and lied to me about where she was, so I got upset by that and have upset her even more (though she did apologise for that, as did I).

She's a very independent kind of gal' my missus and she internalises all her anger and emotions - she bottled them up - so sometimes I'm at a loss as to how she's doing. Though with our recent conversations and negotiations I'm hoping that immature stage is over as we seem to be blossoming into relationship maturity. My wonderful future wife must be in so much turmoil and I feel useless, like it was me that did this to her - like it's my fault for making her go through this....

I guess what I'm doing here is just letting you know that this effects me, as a man, in a way that my upbringing taught me contrary to and I'm really not coping as I thought I would.

Is there anyone with a similar experience to this that can please just shine some light at the end of this remarkably dark tunnel for me? How would you like your partner to treat you if this happened? I really will be here for my future wife as I love her dearly and worship the ground she walks on. Please help me guys, how do I stop crying and support her? I'm dying internally......



Just know that whatever advice you give me will be taken to heart. So please don't joke around with me. I will read every reply as a personal message to me. Please help me to help this wonderful gift of a lady God has blessed me with.

a reply to: Joneselius

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

A number of years ago my fiance and I lost our first baby at 12 weeks in a miscarriage.
At time time we both suspected what was happening, but when the doctors confirmed it, it still hit like a hammer blow to our hearts.

As a male, no one had told me how hard the emotional impact would be, and I too was numb. I didnt know what to do or how I should act.
We supported each other through the grief and we moved through it, as you will move through it, together.

Though it may seem now like there is no end in sight, there will be.
In many ways it made us stronger as a couple.

I still remember at the time my fiance looked into my eyes and asked me if we would try again, to which I said yes, and years later we now have a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl who have enriched our lives in ways I could not know the true extent of at the time.

Everyone grieves in their own way, there is nothing wrong with crying. Dont bottle it in, let it out.

Grief is a price of love, even to the dear wee souls we never get to meet

I'm so very sorry

a reply to: Joneselius

Can only send you our sympathies for your sad loss and also the sadness of your lady - she sound a wonderful person . My wife and I deal with tragedy very differently but we both know each other well and understand how simply to give the other space, yet be still right there at hand if needed. A disappearing act never helps your partner it only adds to stress.

I don't have this experience, but when I have had to face tragedy that took me 'to the bottom of the abyss' its only when one has a been there one knows exactly where there is at. The thing about it is though you climb up slowly at your own pace.

Sometimes its not words but that invisible empathy towards each other when you sit next to her that heals quietly and slowly. Knowing you're not dealing with something alone, surrounded by that black sadness, has healed both of us.

You sound very solid as a person and your lady, whom you clearly love and also admire gives you a damn good start back.

Best wishes to both of you. Shiloh

a reply to: Brogue

Thank you for your reply.

I know what you mean by the hammer blow to the heart.

I just keep picturing a little girl, one I'll never see. It feels like we were robbed. I am trying my hardest not to be too sad as I need to be strong for my lady but I can't shake the image of our lost child. I just can't.... It hurts too much.

a reply to: Shiloh7

Thank you Shiloh. My wonderful lady does indeed give me hope for life.

It just feels so unfair that after resolving the part of our relationship that most people get stuck in, and eventually break up over (some living in perpetually) that for this to happen is a slap in the face. More to her.

Part of my frustration here is, if I am feeling like this internally, how about her? I can ask her sure, but some things you can't put into words and she wants a child more than anything else in this world.

I thank you for your wishes and please, have a good day

Allow yourself to grieve, you have suffered a profound loss. My Mom had two miscarriages before having 4 other children.

You will always hold the love for the child you lost, but you will surely have other children in your life at some point. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I hope that somehow you find the strength to see your way through these dark hours. Hugs!

Sometimes non-verbal communication works best.

A light touch on the shoulder as you walk past. A squeeze of the hand if you're sitting close. A stop for a hug as you pass each other.
Providing a hot drink without asking first.

Not all the time, you don't want it to get suffocating. But just pick your moment when it looks as if she could do with it.

And now for the difficult part of my post. Please try to stop focussing on how well you'd got yourselves back on track before this happened. Dwelling on the unfairness of it seems to be making things even worse for you.

If you can, be grateful for this new level of maturity and understanding. Use it to help you through.

You've both lost something precious and irreplaceable. It's going to be tough. Sometimes you just have to accept that you're in for a rough ride and there's very little that can make it easier. But, sometimes, a very little as I've suggested above will help get you through.

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you for your kindness.

Does your mother still grieve for the loss or did she find a way past it?

a reply to: berenike

Thank you for your advice. I will definitely give her none verbal support, and I'll try not to smother her. It's so hard though, I just want to climb inside her head and pluck this memory out. Though you may be right, maybe this will be another testament as to how much our relationship allowed us to overcome.

I had a miscarriage over over 20 years ago. She has to go through it first on her own, maybe why she told her friend, afraid maybe upsetting you.

Losing a baby for me felt as though I failed as a woman, couldn't carry a baby like the majority of women could.

It's traumatic, just be there, time will heal you both.

a reply to: DaphneApollo

I don't understand what you mean by on her own, could you please clarify that bit as it's very important for me to understand this from her perspective.

I am here for her, but should I not bring it up or should I avoid the subject?

a reply to: Joneselius

I'm saying when she first had the miscarriage, unless you were there with her, I don't know, you said in your OP that she told her friend before you, only the woman can physically go through the miscarriage, it is quite a shock, to realize you're losing your baby.

No, you should definitely be there for her. That baby was yours too, and I'm sure your both hurting. Don't avoid the subject or her wanting to talk about this traumatic event. Talk and hug therapy can't hurt anything.

I am sorry for you and your girlfriend but I'd like to give some perspective that might help.
I had a molar pregnancy 20 odd years ago and had to have the fetus removed in the 5 month. The doctor was so upset he couldn't even tell me. However, strangely I wasn't upset at all, despite having looked forward to meeting the little one soon.

So why wasn't I upset?

Was I heartless?

Nope, not at all. We had everything ready for him/her, imagined going to the park one day etc.

The reason I wasn't upset was that I knew anything could happen until birth. I am a firm believer in Nature. Until I would have held the baby and seeing it being healthy, I just expected that I can't put all my feelings into it until it is actually here.

I had maybe for a few moments a slight disappointing feeling that we wouldn't go to the park after all but then again the fetus had never been a fully viable baby and nature had [for a very good reason] stopped it from being born.

We hadn't actually 'lost' a baby, we had lost a fetus and an idea that we had constructed around it.

I understand that different people react differently, but I also understand that it is 100x harder to give a stillbirth than to have a miscarriage.

Strangely enough, our life turned out better, not having had the baby. We went to university and we still love each other and have very fulfilled lives.

Nature always knows best. We still think about the fetus and calculate how old he might be now but it is never with any sadness. The suffering you feel should not be because a fetus got rejected by Nature, it stems from something in your own life. You probably put all your money on the fetus for some reason and now it isn't happening, you feel bereft.

You are young. Be together with your partner and be happy and chances are the next one will be just around the corner. Work on your relationship and don't bank on babies until they are there, healthy and breathing.

Don't be unproportionally upset about Nature's way. Remember it was obviously not a healthy fetus.

I sometimes sound rude or heartless [I'm not] but I say it as it is. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best, everything will be fine.

What a beautiful man you are! You have the same quality of priceless gem that my own husband has. I salute your sensitivity and realization of your need for a crash course in walking on eggshells.

I have been through this, more than once, and I've lost my own three day old son, after holding him in my arms and staring into his beautiful, ageless eyes, but sharing my story won't help you. However, if I knew then what I know now...if we knew then...but I'll never know.

I think that many people just don't realize how precious the person next to them is AND they don't realize how precious they are...Seriously...I mean this. We become so afraid of loss that it clouds our vision, and many of our actions become unknowingly, but more precisely, unconciously, motivated by fear.

Please, squint your ears and hear me. What happened was horrible and gut wrenching, and you will not get over it. Neither will she. You can't. According to a character named Freud, "time does not exist in the subconscious," and I believe this helps to understand what is in store for you (and me). BUT, there's a secret in there...a riddle. "What happened"...compared to what is happening now.

The power and strength within you is only real now. You are only real when you recognize the fear within you and even briefly embrace it, but be conscious of not allowing it to motivate you.

You have done a wonderful job of exploring and sharing your feelings at that raw level that is the only level that any one truly relates to. Now, go share those honest feelings with her so that she might do the same. This is a horrendous loss to you both, but a precious opportunity for a new and deeper conception between your two hearts. Speak up, and speak up often. You'd be surprised to learn how close you actually are, and gain much needed comfort in that.

And, if you think to do so, let us know how you are doing. More hearts than you can imagine are beating for you two now.

CF

a reply to: Joneselius

I guess what I'm doing here is just letting you know that this effects me, as a man, in a way that my upbringing taught me contrary to and I'm really not coping as I thought I would.

I lost my first son to a brain hemorrhage, my dad said I howled like an animal.

I was there for my wife of the time, but I was a mess, like you I felt it was my fault and had no idea what to say or do, I cried and cried, I even made a video to myself to watch later down the line.

Now 23 years later I've watched that young man, a scared, frightened, confused young Cody and wonder how the hell I got through it.

But get through it I did

There is a life for you and your partner Joneselius and this sadness will bring you closer together, to grieve with your partner over the loss of a child is the most intimate thing we can do. Be gentle, don't be afraid to cry, and hold her close. The pain will lessen, it won't ever leave (at least for me) but it does lessen, I'd hate to not feel a little pain as if Lee wasn't an important part of me.

However if anything I love my kids even more for having suffered his loss.

Take this as a positive, when you do have a child it will be so much more magical.

Be special.......................Be yourself.

Cody

a reply to: Joneselius

There's no right or wrong way to walk through hell. You just have to be honest and keep moving forward. Eventually you come out of it.

The strange thing about parental grief is that although you are in it together, you are also still alone because you are experiencing it from different perspectives. It creates a sort of loneliness that can be almost debilitating. It can cause a chasm if not acknowleded. You must try to give each other grace and time to deal with it in your own ways but never let go of the core love you share. In this way support groups can really help. Other men will be able to relate to your experience and you will find fellowship.

I wish you much peace.

I can't read the OP I ll be brief what helped : sitting near church just listening to the bells (just something about that moment), cuddly animal farm, feeding the animals, watching families play, a hand to hold a shoulder .. One quote a friend told me I never forget: "You will forever remember but blessedly you never remember and feel the actual pain"

originally posted by: Joneselius
a reply to: Night Star

Thank you for your kindness.

Does your mother still grieve for the loss or did she find a way past it?

Oh my, I'm 58 and Mom passed away in October at the age of 92. She had a very long and happy life with much love and respect from her 4 children. After having two miscarriages, that didn't stop her from trying again. She went on to have 4 children and our family was always very close and still are. You will get beyond this.

a reply to: Joneselius

It's hard to reach someone who internalizes everything. I would try consistent prayer and getting christian counseling together. Your relationship is going to need to be strengthened for a healthy long marriage. Known my hubby half my life, seems like we went thru hell and back. Only a miracle from God brought us brake thru, he internalizes anger also. I'm very sorry for your loss.

a reply to: Joneselius

You are grieving and so is she, same as you would for anyone you had lost.

And I am so sorry for both of you. Whatever positive thoughts or prayers you would accept will be sent your way.