What should I do? Brutal honesty needed

ok this is a tough one. I've been in a relationship for the past 6 months it's with one of my nurses from the rehab hospital I was recovering at. When I left the hospital we said we would stay in touch which have via facebook chat. She came to stay with me for a few days in early December then spent Xmas with me. Since then we have been seeing each other when we can. We get on great and are always laughing and generally enjoying the same things. We both told each other we loved each other, quite early on in the relationship. The problem is I have a terminal brain tumour and still recovering from a stroke( I wouldn't want a girlfriend in my condition no matter how well we got on or how attractive she was.

Let's call her Ann for arguments sake. Ann said at first she didn't care and from that point on we got into quite a heavy relationship. I've been enjoying it a lot, especially all the sex and stuff, that I've missed out on for a while. However. Just after Xmas I found out my Tumor had come back and I needed more surgery. I had the surgery about 3 months ago in February.

The week before, Ann phoned up crying saying she didn't think she could handle it all and thought we should end it. I agreed saying I would do the same, in her position , I was happy for the time we spent together and didn't regret a thing
I ended up being in hospital for about 2 months after the operation. She was always phoning and on facebook wanting to visit. Which was cool with me. She would send naughty pics of her in the bath to keep me amused in my hospital bed and would visit regularly with nice deli food and stuff.
When I got home she would again start to come and visit, we would ly on the bed watching movies while i would fall asleep on her. Again I was really enjoying her company and stuff. The thing is I 'm not going to get better from my illness. Not with all the hope in the world and I don't think I've given her enough chances to get out of the relationship.
In fact I think for my own selfish reasons I don't want to give her the chance to leave me, but I know I have to. She has a whole life to live, I can't give her kids or even contemplate getting married at the moment. I'm currently on chemotherapy for the next six months. She was meant to come over on Thursday but said she didn't feel well. I'm sensing she might be looking for a get out without wanting to hurt my feelings. I think I need to tell her that it's ok, if she doesn't want to do this anymore. I won't be hurt and for her to move on. I think I've been selfish for too long, but I've just really enjoyed it. But it's not fair of me to take her on this journey with me. It's only going to end in tears and not the happy type

I'm not sure what to do. Should I end it to make it easier for her or just give her the option for her to end it? I don't want recipes for cures to my condition I want brutal honesty about what I should do. I won't be upset by your answers she's meant to come over tomorrow so I feel I need to contact her before to get this sorted. What should I do?

a reply to: woodwardjnr

What should I do?

I would suggest, out of respect to both you and herself that you do see her.

That you have an honest and open conversation about this and come to a conclusion, together.

There's no reason to make this more difficult than it already it is for both of you. Take the happy where you can get it my friend. Your recovery is important and she can be an important part of that recovery.

Or a detriment, if your relationship ends up being like a yoyo. Let's be honest, you didn't lie, she knew what she was in for when she started this. So did you.

The only thing you owe each other is honesty, understanding and a decision to either move forward together, regardless of what happens, or to go your separate ways.

ETA: I had NO idea that you were in this situation either boss, I'm terribly sorry to hear about it.

1st off I'm sorry your so ill

You obviously like this person,tell her your feelings but leave the ball in her court and accept the outcome

Cherish those memories and move on if she decides to do the same

a reply to: tothetenthpowerthanks 10th sound advice. I just need to do it today and being the king of procrastination I need to get it done before I see her tomorrow. I just think that if I do it now that's no more sex for me for the foreseeable future. That sounds a bit shallow but it's a reality. It just seems like I'm giving up the only good thing in my life that brings me happiness and a great distraction from the realities im facing.

I don't have any advice.
I simply wish you well.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

That sounds a bit shallow but it's a reality. It just seems like I'm giving up the only good thing in my life that brings me happiness and a great distraction from the realities im facing.

I get having a distraction, but if that's all she is to you, that's not good enough. You can get laid in a variety of different ways my friend that are far less emotionally manipulative than this.

And I mean manipulative on either side of this equation.

And I don't mean to insult you or anything, maybe I just misread.

~Tenth

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I wouldn't want a girlfriend in my condition no matter how well we got on or how attractive she was. Thats your problem - not hers............1st alarm

But it's not fair of me to take her on this journey with me. That's not your choice but hers. Love has no boundaries.

You are awesome, always love your contributions, always have so why are you struggling with this?. Yes, your time MAY be short but if that is what she wants then who are you to deny her... her love for you.

After all......In fact I think for my own selfish reasons I don't want to give her the chance to leave me, but I know I have to.

No - you do not.

Live, Love, Life.

How do you not know that her memories of you will not spawn something so wonderful that so far none of us can conceptualize?

Your first instinct is usually your correct one, so go with what your HEART tells you - logic sometimes is utter BS.

Do you believe in fate? I do. I don't think it's a coincidence that you met her when you did, in the situation you were/are.

To me, it seems wrong to make the decision to end the relationship yourself. That's why you are having such difficulty making it. I think you should give her the chance to decide for herself. She's a grown woman and should be able to make her own choices.

Just my humble opinion.

Good luck to you, you sound like you deserve it!

soulwaxer

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Stuff ends in tears all the time, and still manages not to spoil memories and experiences that were well worth it. Ann may want to spend what ever time you both have together, together - but maybe needs reassurance that you value her in the same way.
Part of me wanted to say "let her go" but that's based on too many assumptions.. You and her need some more tears and heart to hearts, I reckon.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I remember when you disappeared. I wasn't happy about that. I was glad when you came back to us. Put 'her' in those terms. I don't know you face-to-face so multiply by a factor of about a thousand.

As for your medical condition ... We're all gonna die one day. Better to love and be loved during our times.

On a lighter note ... If you go and frikkin' die on us, I'm gonna send the Monkey Boy enough quid to do a decent upgrade on his PC as long as he's willing to dig you up and re-animate your dead @$$.

Between the two of us ... I wish you well.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

You're in a relationship and seem to think all the decisions are yours to make. She has a say in all this too!

Being 'brutal,' life is short and she might be thinking whether it's too short to commit to someone whose time is limited. She might be thinking that it's worth hanging in there and is having a battle of heart and mind like you are right now.

To reiterate what Tenth eloquently said, you both deserve to speak to each other and lay it out there.

People commit to each other every day regardless of health or anything else.

For what it's worth, I'm a sloppy romantic at heart and hope you recover and both of you find long-lasting happiness.

I'm so sorry you're having to face this horrible disease. And I have so much respect for your selflessness in the face of it all to consider her feelings before your own, even knowing that it could mean being alone towards the end, that I don't even know how to put it into words. It's obvious you care for her very deeply. As I suspect she does for you as well, despite her fears about what it will be like going forward.

I feel the answer to your dilemma is in your topic title. "Brutal honesty is needed." (Though I prefer the word unabashed, to brutal, personally.)

Tell her everything you've just expounded upon. Tell her of your inner conflict and ambivalence, lack of decision, and how torn you are. Tell her everything you're feeling, and make the realities of your future with her - should there be one - unequivocally clear. After that though, let go, and let her be the one to decide what she should do.

If she's willing to endure the loss that awaits her at the end of this partly painful but partly wonderful journey with you through your last days in this world, then I say that should be her decision, and that it speaks volumes of her depth of affection for you. If she decides she can't, then honor that too. That's all you can do. Be completely honest, and let her decide. There's really no other way to confront the dilemma.

Also... be prepared for the possibility that she will not necessarily make a firm single decision. She may say she wants to play it by ear because she loves you and wants to be with you, but can't promise she can endure what that will at times entail, especially going forward. At that point you yourself must decide whether you can accept that lack of commitment and whether you're willing to take her as she comes with the knowledge she may leave halfway through the journey (which would be understandable, if painful for you. And for her, to be fair.)

Again though, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. If I could take it from you somehow I would. I sincerely hope your suffering is as minimal as possible. And don't forget that you can talk to people here if you need to. What you're facing is unimaginable to most people, but I have been impressed by the level of empathy and caring in this community repeatedly. I would avail myself of it if I were you, if it would help that is.

Good luck. I will keep you in my thoughts for what that's worth. Peace.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I don't want recipes for cures to my condition I want brutal honesty about what I should do.

I had to chuckle at that line and you had to put it there ^^^

You left out scriptures and Biblical quotes...careless Woodward, very careless...

Two teaspoons of Vitamin C in hot tea and three Hail Marys...you'll be right as rain lol

During uncertain times such as wars people who cared deeply for each other often decided to marry because it gave them something to hold on to, and even if the worse did happen at least they were able to say they were married and had been happy for that time.

If all turned out well then they could continue on as a happily married continue. Of course there were times when things didn't work out for the best, but situations like that and the one you find yourself in demand that you act swiftly and decisively.

a reply to: hotel1 I'm not a great believer in marriage nor am I the type to act swiftly and decisively. I also think things like getting married would be the kiss of death in my situation, plus I can't afford it.

This has just made me even more confused. Thanks for the lovely replies though. The balls in her court at the moment. Maybe I'll just leave it there. Either way it's not going to be easy. Thanks again. I think she might phone me tonight and tell me it's over, which will make things easier. All I ever wanted was an easy life. I wonder if anyone has an easy life?

originally posted by: woodwardjnr
a reply to: hotel1 I'm not a great believer in marriage nor am I the type to act swiftly and decisively. I also think things like getting married would be the kiss of death in my situation, plus I can't afford it.

I wasn't necessarily suggesting you should get married. Forgive me If I didn't make the point particularly well but it was meant as an example of how other people have acted in precious/pressured time situations.

a reply to: woodwardjnr

Bear with me as I have a lot to say here...

First, I don't know how old you are, but I will assume you might not be too terribly young. In life, we never know what can take us from life tomorrow. You always risk not being there tomorrow - whether it be hit by a bus or dying of cancer, there are no guarantees in life..

Thing about real love, is that it doesn't care. It is joyful for the few short moments it has..

Everyone deals with cancer and chemo different, and some people truly don't handle their loved ones going through it well. So that is a part she will have to answer for herself..you cannot answer that one for her..

My daughter was only married a couple years before dying.. it wasn't expected at all.. she had a baby boy, and by the time he was only two years old she died. If they had known all of this in the beginning, they would have missed out on so much, and a child who is well loved by both families would not be alive today..The son they had, the short moments they had together though, were worth it all...to both of them, even now.

Her husband loved her, but he was really young and didn't deal with it the way I would have liked.. but he did his best I think.. I will give him that, it couldn't have been easy... but he doesn't regret the time he had..

If yours loves you... she will be there, and she will love every moment she has with you.. because she loves you.. don't let the threat of death take away something beautiful from you...don't let it effect all your decisions.. because we have something to give to another human being for as long as we have breath in our lungs..

and you still have breath...

The only concern I really see is she wanted to end things but didn't. I wouldn't want for that situation to be a yo yo. Other than that it isn't really your choice to make. You have to let her decide for her if she wants to go through this. She isn't some porcelain figurine, and knows exactly what it is she is getting herself into. You know that being a nurse and all. So please spare yourself the retarded chivalry and just embrace what is while you have it.

a reply to: OpinionatedBthanks for those very true words. I'm 36, she's 32. My chemo isn't too bad it knocks me out for 2 weeks out of 4 . I don't tend to have much company during the whole month as I'm pretty grouchy and tired. I keep on having years of feeling ok then the Tumor returns, so it's been hard to commit over the last 13 years. I mean I could finish this course of chemo and be ok for a few years. There is still the problems of the stroke effects. I can only walk with a crutch and not for long, I can't drive. All these things are making it that little bit harder to have a proper relationship. I think I'm going to have to have a proper talk with her tomorrow I normally chicken out of these conversations with her as they're too difficult and I can't handle them very well. I think I'm just going to leave it now for her to decide. I think that's the best I can do. She knows how I feel about her.i just think it's only fair I give her another chance to get out of the relationship without hurting my feelings