Should I Leave Well Enough Alone?

We grew up together in a small town from the first grade through high school. She was very pretty and very smart as well. I grew to like her and over time it changed to feelings of love. I never shared how I felt with her because I was too shy. I was unwilling to risk rejection. I tried to find ways to be near her, class projects, playground games, etc.

In the summers I would go swimming near her home so that I could see her. Her image, her voice, even her smell became things that lingered in my mind. I would dream of her and I becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Innocent at first but as I grew older I imagined some day I would see her naked beauty. I envisioned first a storybook romance, words and emotions drawing us closer and closer together, then a mutual recognition that we deeply loved each other.

I would imagine my arms around her, holding her in my embrace. Gently caressing her face as I placed kisses on her cheeks. I would meet her strawberry lips with mine and taste her mouth. She became my ideal woman. I wanted to be with her forever.

But school and time were not on my side. She found other boys who were not afraid to approach her. They were willing to tell her how beautiful she was and were not afraid to pursue her for sex. I purposely protected myself from hearing any bragging boy talk of conquest. I kept her in my self indulgent mind as a pure virgin. Always in a white wedding dress just waiting for our day.

After high school we would occasionally run into each other but it wasn't long before we had all moved away from our home town and became married and then came kids. Our lives had taken different directions. At class reunions we would acknowledge each other as old friends and classmates but nothing more.

Now after all these years and two failed marriages in my life I realize what my choices had cost me. My first love should have been my only love. I have no idea how she might feel. Her husband has very serious health issues and doesn't have long to live. I would never think of sharing how I feel as long as he is alive.

So I find myself in the terribly awkward position of feeling myself growing older with an unknown future. She is such an amazing person and faithful to her husband. I don't want to feel like a vulture impatiently waiting to rush in and pledge my love to her.

Nor do I want to die without telling her how much I love her and have all these years. But I feel like that is so selfish on my part. I don't want to do anything that would complicate her life at this time so I have refrained from actively communicating with her. I don't want to be unconsciously revealing my feelings for her.

I hope and pray I am not too late. But I am in a place of, “if it is meant to be it will happen.” I would appreciate your input regarding this issue.

I wish I could impart some profound wisdom but I can't. All I can do is wish you the best and bless your heart for expressing it so truthfully. You have touched my heart as well!

a reply to: grayeagle

Be there as a friend and help her through the tough time that she will have, as she starts to heal from her loss tell her how you feel but be careful - if you pick the wrong time or say it to early she may reject you and feel she has lost you as a friend at a time when she may need you most.

Deffinately don't tell her how long you have had feelings for her - that would be to much so early on. You can always tell her a year on in the relationship if it works out.

It's always better to ask her than wonder "what if"

Good luck and be patient - it will be a hard time for her.

a reply to: grayeagle

Nice of you to put yourself out there like that. Interesting set of circumstances, especially since decades have past without a resolution. Cold logic says that its too late for the romance that should have developed when you became aware of your feelings.

On the other hand, being the hopeless romantic that you apparently seem to be, it might be worth the effort to send her a private letter expressing your entire story. With great respect and admiration for the relationships that have occurred. If you decide to write the letter, I would also apologize in advance for several things, especially in light of the current situation and status of relationships.

Women are not only sensitive to sincere romantic gestures, but are also adept in maintaining their dignity in delicate situations. She will likely express interest or politely dismiss it. She may also take it graciously in light of her situation. And this could bloom in the near future.

Obviously, I am making a statement without knowing anything about the people and their characters, merely upon the paragraphs above.

What I'm seeing is that your desire may be partial to some insecurity regarding your future. That's not a sin, I understand it well. But its a judgement call that should be based on a self examination of your motives.

a reply to: grayeagle
I think you've waited long enough.

Her husband has very serious health issues and doesn't have long to live. I would never think of sharing how I feel as long as he is alive.

Waiting a little longer shouldn't present a problem.

Afterwards by all means, let her know. If you tell her like you poured it out here she will probably be swept off her feet. Especially if you stand by her through her grieving process.

Gently, ever so gently.

a reply to: grayeagle

You know there is no "Should have been". There is only what really happened in life. The rest was a story in your mind, a beautiful story. Perhaps a novel is why you have that story in you ?

Growing Older with an unknown future, just like the rest of us. Nothing is set in stone and the only constant in the universe is change.

Yes, contact her. Even if only to make a friend. Listen more than speak.

Be her friend first, and help her through this difficult time. Don't push it . There's time later for the spark to ignite. If it is meant be, it will be.

Be careful what you wish for.................
They are all spinny when it comes down to the nitty gritty....
you know the age old question....
"Are you married or happy?"

I am with the others who say... wait.

There is a possibility that you could express your feelings to her right now and she would fall into your open arms freely. Dealing with a loved one who is terminally ill brings on more emotions than most can imagine. You are giving everything you can give to the person who is ill. Usually you are doing so without a ton of outside help and that can make any emotion turbulent.

If you were to tell her now, you may never know if she came to you out of a desperate need for her own comfort or because she really loved you back. If she didn't respond positively, then you would always wonder if she denied you because of her loyalty to her husband and her outrage that you would burden her with such a thing at this time in her life.

I would think that after all of these years you would rather hold off for a bit longer so that any answer you receive will be the closest to fair/real that you want.

If you haven't been super close, I would not attempt to do so at this moment either. She may interpret your offer of comfort as you using the situation to get closer to her.

I know it is hard, but if you love this woman as you say you do.... then give her a fair shot at a fair decision at a fair time for her mental/emotional state.

Of course I am not Dr. Phil, and my advice is not professional BUT being a woman, I would feel all of those things that I suggested she may feel for what it's worth.

I wish you luck either way. But be patient for yourself and for her.

Yes. Move on. Wishful thinking wont help you here. Your chance passed years ago...

Sounds like you missed your shot. Tell her how you feel if you want but I don't think it will avail you anything at this point.

I was shy too. I used to follow a girl around and watch like a stalker! then she got pregnant by someone else and I realised that it wasn't to be.

Anyway, I cannot help feeling that you are self-obsessed as all shy people are. I was very shy when I was a kid and it really put my nose out of joint when I heard this said about shy people. However, I have come to realise that shyness is all about ME, Me, me and no-one else. How am I feeling? What is someone thinks bad things about me? etc etc.

This thread is all about what is in your past and the present has nothing to do with that - except in your head.

Life has moved on for both of you (at least for her anyway) Please realise that you cannot go back, and the past is a time when you were younger, more stupid, less experienced, and we all grow in different ways and in different directions. I have fantasized about people and then I realised that no-one is as you imagine them to be or as they appear to the outside world. There is a great deal of truth in the saying that you never know anyone until you get behind closed doors with them (ie live together).

You need to get a grip and realise that you have to move on, make your own life with what you have now, rather than fantasizing about the past or what could-be. Both are fantasies. If you do not wake up and face reality, then you will never achieve happiness with anyone as time will have passed and nothing will be concrete or permanent. That can only lead to regret and bitterness.

Fantasy is just an escape and you deserve better than the pain and obsessing which it brings. Let go of the past and live to the present. Good luck. (oh.. what may help - check out EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique)

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe
Thank you for your well thought out response. The reason I brought forth this issue to ATS is that I am undergoing
major surgery myself and feeling a lot of mortality issues. I am a romantic person and I would never want to pressure someone that I have feelings for. I have not had a lot of success in relationships so perhaps this is just a passing fantasy at this time. I have had feelings for her all my life and care about her and her happiness. I will wait and let her respond as she feels to do. I will try to encourage her as she goes through this difficult time. If it is meant to be then it will happen.

originally posted by: grayeagle
We grew up together in a small town from the first grade through high school. She was very pretty and very smart as well. I grew to like her and over time it changed to feelings of love. I never shared how I felt with her because I was too shy. I was unwilling to risk rejection. I tried to find ways to be near her, class projects, playground games, etc.

In the summers I would go swimming near her home so that I could see her. Her image, her voice, even her smell became things that lingered in my mind. I would dream of her and I becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Innocent at first but as I grew older I imagined some day I would see her naked beauty. I envisioned first a storybook romance, words and emotions drawing us closer and closer together, then a mutual recognition that we deeply loved each other.

I would imagine my arms around her, holding her in my embrace. Gently caressing her face as I placed kisses on her cheeks. I would meet her strawberry lips with mine and taste her mouth. She became my ideal woman. I wanted to be with her forever.

But school and time were not on my side. She found other boys who were not afraid to approach her. They were willing to tell her how beautiful she was and were not afraid to pursue her for sex. I purposely protected myself from hearing any bragging boy talk of conquest. I kept her in my self indulgent mind as a pure virgin. Always in a white wedding dress just waiting for our day.

After high school we would occasionally run into each other but it wasn't long before we had all moved away from our home town and became married and then came kids. Our lives had taken different directions. At class reunions we would acknowledge each other as old friends and classmates but nothing more.

Now after all these years and two failed marriages in my life I realize what my choices had cost me. My first love should have been my only love. I have no idea how she might feel. Her husband has very serious health issues and doesn't have long to live. I would never think of sharing how I feel as long as he is alive.

So I find myself in the terribly awkward position of feeling myself growing older with an unknown future. She is such an amazing person and faithful to her husband. I don't want to feel like a vulture impatiently waiting to rush in and pledge my love to her.

Nor do I want to die without telling her how much I love her and have all these years. But I feel like that is so selfish on my part. I don't want to do anything that would complicate her life at this time so I have refrained from actively communicating with her. I don't want to be unconsciously revealing my feelings for her.

I hope and pray I am not too late. But I am in a place of, “if it is meant to be it will happen.” I would appreciate your input regarding this issue.

*Sheds tear*
Your story is very similar with mine, except I'm at the beginning.

As a toddler until I was 16yrs old I used to be the center of attentions, I wasn't shy and I loved to socialize with people and girls, I wasn't scared of telling girls what I felt about them and I was flat honest with them, I met my girl in the 7th grade, I was with her 5 months and we were kids I didn't really love her, we broke up and I wasn't even sad, I didn't know what love as so I just kept hitting on girls, the usual teen stuff, then in the 9th I grew a crush on a english chick and we had a little spark that didn't last for long for her, and after a month during summer holidays I told her my feelings for her (and they were strong) and got rejected..

This was the turning point in my personality, I changed alot, my confidence with girls suffered, I got depressed, became insecure, it was a pretty depressive summer when I was alone, I would feel good with my friends but then at home it would be painful, regardless I wasn't totally unhappy, I landed in the same class as my ex gf from the 7th grade, and we started talking alot more, we would spend all school time together, all classes we sat next to each other, and I grew some really strong feeling for her, I fell completely in love for her, and she for me, I loved it. She would text me alot, always asking for my company, lots of kisses and hugs, I felt really warm inside and all these hugs and kisses made me happy, but I let this go the whole year, my actions represented what I felt, but something in my brain prevented me from telling her how I felt about her, I would get so anxious so nervous I couldn't let a word out of my mouth, I would get really frustrated at myself, always dealying the declaration of my most truthful feelings to her, I took her for granted, and when I was ready to tell her how I felt, she had already started a relationship days earlier, she told me she had feelings for me, but she could not end it with the other dude.

Yea this sent me into a spiral of desolation, another sad summer for me, and this one was particularly destructive, I needed to get her out of my head so I went to a load of festivals, stuffed my brain with drugs and basically spent the whole summer partying, and presently we are now in the same class, in the same freaking situation, she broke up with her bf (that so boyfriend was incredibly jealous of me, he made her hate me, delete me from facebook and forbid her from talking to me, what the #, before anything else we were friends and it was a friendship I held dearly in my heart, and just because of her jealous boyfriend, that connection was severely severed), she immediately started talking to me, I went along and we started seeing eachother but it quickly ended, she stopped talking to me all of a sudden without any apparent reason and I'm left again with feelings for her and getting played by a girl, after reading your post, I feel like I need to tell her how I feel, I really think she's the one, and I would regret it for the rest of my life if she was the one and I didn't tell her what I felt for her.

I start thinking about the future, before even handling the present, I always think I'm gonna get rejected and the signs I'm seeing are just my imagination, because of my failures with these two girls I tend to have a very negative opinion about myself when it comes to understanding girls, thankfully I know I'm good with a whole lot of stuff and girls aren't the most important, but I can't picture myself alone when all my mates have a girlfriend and I'm left single.
I'm 19 years old, still have alot of time, but I see that not even time can wash away the feelings you have for your special one I can tell..

I've got no advice for you OP, I know no better than you, your text made think alot about how I should handle my situation, I just hope everything turns out okay for you!

cheers

a reply to: grayeagle

Aside from a dying husband, do you even know anything about her? I can appreciate romantics, the world needs more of us, but without something practical to back it up it doesn't really count for much.

Many of us here have gone through relationships in our heads while our real life attempts fail. My only guess as to why that is, is because this world isn't too kind to love. As a result, we keep it close to the vest. As a result, people see us as shy, including this woman you're infatuated with. If you can find a way to marry your romance with a real life application so it can work, let us know.

In the meantime, don't approach her like a stumbling 8 year old. Approach her as you are. Someone twice divorced who is nearing a major surgery who likes a woman whose husband is dying. Life has knocked you both around a bit. You know it and she knows it. That's a common ground you can start with. It may be just a general fact, but that's how friendships start. From there you go into a little more detail. If those details mix well, you can have a relationship.

It takes time, but for romance to really feel like an out-of-this-world experience in a relationship, that relationship needs a history. And that history needs to be made by being in the here and now and working on things in a realistic and pragmatic way. All the while knowing that you're working to make your romantic dreams come true.

That's my take on it. Good luck on your surgery.........and her.

So you're perched on a branch waiting for her husband to die?

I wouldn't even bring it up until she's had time to accept her husbands death. If any sooner, you will essentially be getting her under false emotional pretenses(rebound) and it will fall apart. Maybe your chance passed? Maybe some other guy will fly like a vulture down from another branch and get her first? I'm just thinking out loud here. I don't know you so I don't know how honest your intensions are, but I do know that chics need room during times like these. But then again, there's women who would have no problem dating aright after a partners death. IDK. I would be a little mad/jealous if my wife would want anyone for at least a year after my death.

a reply to: grayeagle

That's a heart warming story. The fact you have loved this lady for so many years and kept it to yourself. So i would say a little more time would not hurt . Reach out to her and let her know you are there for her. And perhaps most importantly concentrate on getting your surgery out the way and healed up. Then maybe tell her how you have felt. Rejection is something what scares me to. But its better to let her know how you feel and be rejected, Than not say anything and be kicking yourself the rest of your days. And you just never know. Your dreams may come true. I wish you the best my friend And take care

a reply to: TheDoctor46

Thanks my good friend! I have always kept in touch with her throughout my life but not in depth. Both of us have had similar careers in aviation, we both write and have enjoyed sharing poems and short stories over the years. We both have two children and several grandchildren. We both have relatives living in our old home town. I tried to tell her once how I felt but it never came out because she excitedly told me she was in a relationship with another of our classmates and one of my friends.

I realize I have little chance but the optimist in me wants to believe that "just maybe." I go in for total knee replacement surgery tomorrow and God willing I will have time to think all of this through some more. I will not rush this but be patient.

Sounds like you've been fantasizing for a long time over a person you don't really know all that well. And after two failed marriages you're STILL doing it? Most people move on from their puppy loves of childhood, but you haven't. Unless she has some sort of reciprocal feelings, which seems unlikely given your description, it might be best to leave it alone because she is not going to want to take on a project. And that's what it sounds like you are.

a reply to: schuyler

I appreciate that you took the time to respond but it appears to me that you are accusing me of fantasy and puppy love without really knowing either myself or her. You are certainly welcome to your opinion but I hope you understand that what you apparently see so clearly may not be so clear to me or others. This community is based on mutual respect whether we agree with others' opinions or reject them. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.