Bloke walks into an empty pub......

Orders a pint then hears a small voice:

"I like your shirt it really suits you. Have you lost weight? Nice shoes".

Looks round and the place is empty.

Landlord says: "That's the peanuts. They're complimentary".

Then another voice shouts: "Oi! Who you looking at, you Muppet! Outside now!"

Landlord says: " Pay no attention. It's the cigarette machine. It's out of order...."

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

Ouch, ouch... OUCH!, retorted the dartboard.

Close the bloody window!, complained the draft beer.

a reply to: Encia22

Bloke walks into a pub. Slips on a massive dog turd on the floor.

Another bloke walks in, slips on it and falls over too.

First bloke says "I just did that!"

Second bloke punches him in the face....

a reply to: Oldcarpy2


A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Priest looks at the rabbi and asks,
"What is this, some kind of joke?"

a reply to: TheValeyard

A preist and a rabbit walk into a bar. Barman says to the rabbit 'what are you doing here"?

Rabbit replies : "Dunno, bloody spell check I reckon"?

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

Bloke saunters into a bar, sidles up to the bar, slips onto a bar stool, pulls out a heavy bag of pennies, plunks it on the bar and cries, '' Drinks are on me'' and the bar tender says ''Hey, watch it, the bars tender there.''

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

A piece of string walks into a pub.

The barman asks, "Are you over 18?"

The string reluctantly replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

A wig and a turd walk into the pub and order 2 pints, landlord says sorry no way am I serving you two, the wig says why not? And the landlord says
because you’re off your head and your mate’s steaming.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face"

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks stunned and says, "You have a drink named, "Dennis"?"

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

i have nothing to say, this is just a test.(;

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

My grandad was in the R.A.F. He shot down six German planes. Unfortunately, it was in 1972. I remember him saying something about "You can't be too careful!."


When I was 14, my dad caught me smoking a cigarette. To teach me a lesson, he made me smoke 20 cigarettes, one after the other. Thank God he never caught me masturbating.

originally posted by: Oldcarpy2
a reply to: TheValeyard

A preist and a rabbit walk into a bar. Barman says to the rabbit 'what are you doing here"?

Rabbit replies : "Dunno, bloody spell check I reckon"?

Funny, at a Halloween convention, I was a white rabbit at a bar for a couple of hours. That joke is not that funny.

You want rabbit going to a bar? I found a video.

A pinguin, a lion, a zebra, and several other assorted animals walk into a bar. I was at a furry convention. Oh, are these supposed to be jokes?

a reply to: ColeYounger2

The Queen Mother got lots of credit for being there every night during the Blitz on London.

So was my Grandfather

He never got any credit.

Mind you, he was flying Heinkels for the Luftwaffe

a reply to: NoviceStoic

A brain and a pair of jump leads go into a pub.

Landlord says "I'm not serving you two. You're out of your skull and you look like you'll start something".

Two cigarettes go into a pub sit at the bar and order pints.

Another cigarette comes in. He's got a green band round his filter.

1st cigarette says "Come on, let's get out of here - he's bloody menthol".

Two bits of tarmac go into a pub and order pints.

Another bit of tarmac comes in. With a green dotted line down him.

1st bit of tarmac says "Come on - let's get out of here. He's a bloody cyclepath".

a reply to: BeyondKnowledge3

New meanings for old words:

"Schitzu".

"One with no Penguins".

a reply to: Oldcarpy2

The last two were great!



An empty pint glass walks in a pub and demands, "Fill 'er up!"
Barman, annoyed, "Does this look like a bloody petrol station to you?

An empty whiskey glass walks into a pub and orders, "a single malt please."
The barman whispers, "sorry, all our malts are married."