Pisky's ATS Story

Laughing kitty, meet the voting tiger
I am the voting tiger. All in favor of this story raise your paw


[Edited on 27-4-2004 by dbates]

Originally posted by Pisky
If I ever get my own book printed, I'll send you a signed copy (complete with pix of my avatar and the laughing kitten of course).

Wooooooo Hooooooo
My very own copy!! yay!. lol,
can't wait for the next installment, keep em comming pisky!
***waits patiently for the next chapter***

Congrats Pisky on being the#1 highest scoring thread on ATS. We will watch your novel career with great interest.

Is pisky's novel career, a novel career?
Is it a novel novel, or just a novella?

It was early afternoon when the travellers reached their destination. A dreary day, and one that promised more of the same. The sun tried valiantly to force its rays through the clouds but failed abysmally, while on the Southern horizon stormclouds were bulding up. The land they rode through was hilly with the occasional tract of dark woodland and the companions were restless. They had slept little the previous night, due to the constant giggling of the kitten and the loud barks of Phoebe whenever she heard anything she considered untoward. Unfortunately that included rustling trees, snuffling badgers and other naturally occurring sounds. The dog was now walking forlornly beside LadyCool's horse while Pillywiggin was safely ensconced in KayEm's backpack where he slept the sleep of the just. Everyone else rode on in annoyance.

Helena Justina attempted to lighten the mood; "Not long now !", she chirped. "Then you'll be able to see our village".
"There's a 'thing' killing your people if you hadn't forgotten". Muttered LadyCool, glaring angrily at Helena, "So it's not going to be a very good homecoming now, is it ?"
"Sorry", Helena replied softly, "I was just trying to make us all feel better".
"In that case shut the ..." But LadyCool's comment was cut off by a cry from Pisky who was somewhat in front of the column. Every head turned to where the pixy could be seen cantering along the road towards them. Behind him a column of horsemen followed, although details could not be made out at such a distance.
"Looks like an escort", the Pixy said as he reached the group, "Definitely Roman".
The column rode closer, their black armour and cloaks making them look like the horsemen of the apocalypse, although of course there were only four apocalyptic horsemen while there were twenty fully armed Romans.
"Praetorians !", exclaimed Helena, her mouth open in disbelief.
"Who are they ?" Benjj asked as the riders rapidly approached.
"Fook knows", Valerius replied, "They weren't here when we left. They're new. We didn't have any fookin Praetorians with us, just a Centurion, an Optio and twenty or so legionaries".
"Helena ?" Benjj asked, knowing that Helena Justina was a friend of the villages' Legate and may be privy to information denied to Valerius. But the reply was the same. "I've never seen them before in my life"
The column of horsemen drew to a halt before the travellers, the horses shaking their heads and champing at their bits. KayEm joined Pisky at the head of the line, watching carefully for any sudden moves on the part of the Praetorians.
"We are here to escort you to the village", said one, his vine staff marking him out as a full Centurion, "Please follow us". Since the rest of the escort had by then encircled the travellers, they had little choice but to comply.
"What exactly is going on ?", Helena asked as they began to move on, but upon receiving no reply she merely sighed and shook her head.

After ten minutes of riding, they entered a small wooded valley. A brook ran parallel to the road before turning aside as it reached a tall hill at the opposite end of the valley. Wattle fences enclosed the summit of this hill, and Pisky could just make out the shapes of buildings looming behind them.
Helena Justina smiled, "Rome sweet Rome", she sang out with a grin on her face. "Now we'll see what's been going on in our absence". More wattle fences made a roadway leading up the hill to the entrance of the village. Beyond, the village was comprised of a group of Iron age roundhouses and, almost hidden by their bulk, a Roman villa. The whole area was unnaturally quiet.
Valerius leaned towards the pixy. "Something's up", he said. "I don't like this one bit"
Pisky concurred. "Best just play it by ear", he said as the group began the slow walk up the hill.

The village was larger than it at first appeared. From the entrance, seven large roundhouses could be seen, every one a perfect recreation of an Iron age accomodation. Each was large enough to house between ten to fifteen people, with space behind for equipment and domestic animals. Directly across from the entrance could be seen a single story Roman villa and, to its left, what looked like a barracks block. Valerius grabbed Pisky's arm; "That's new", he said, nodding his head towards the barracks. "Must be where these bastards live".
"Where are the horses kept ?", Pisky asked, "There's no room here".
"Over the other side of the villa", Valerius answered, "At the bottom of the hill. There's a stable block".
Pisky nodded his thanks.

They rode through the entrance gate into the village proper. Helena's face dropped. "Oh my god", she said softly, "What in Jupiter's name has gone on here ?"
People stopped what they were doing to stare at the new arrivals. A few had looks of relief on their faces, but most of them looked weary and troubled. One young girl with a livid scar across her face waved weakly at Helena as she rode nearby. Helena stopped her horse. "Claudia ? ... what ..." but she was unable to continue as one of the Praetorians grabbed her harness and pulled her away.
LadyCool and Sarah looked around glaring. Sarah in particular was annoyed since she had been deprived of her morning coffee earlier in the day. There had been just enough left for the two Americans to indulge in their normal ritual, and they had finished their first cup when there had been an indignant shriek from Sarah. This was followed by a curse from KayEm, at which a guilty Phoebe had lifted her head from the coffee pot, licked her muzzle and scampered away to the tunes of choice American abuse.
"At least it wasn't cider she stole this time", Pisky had commented, grinning.
At which point KayEm and Sarah had changed targets and began berating him instead.

As they reached the open space before the villa, the Praetorians halted and dismounted, allowing some rather ragged looking individuals to take the horses behind the villa towards the stables. The Centurion removed his helmet and strode arrogantly towards the central door of the villa. The villa itself was of typical Romano/British design, based on the one believed to exist at Sparsholt. The original villa at Butser had comprised purely of a central building as costs at that time had prohibited the inclusion of the wings. Since then, however, the TV company had spent a considerable amount in order to add them, making the villa as authentic as possible. Helena was the first to dismount, following the Praetorian's example and allowing a squat little figure in a ragged brown tunic to take her horse to the stables. The rest followed and soon enough were standing in the centre of a circle of Praetorians waiting for whatever was to come.



Within minutes the Praetorian Centurion reappeared. He was accompanied by a thinnish man of about 25 years old, with short brown hair and piercing eyes. "Titus !", yelled Helena as she watched the man approach, "This is Titus, he's the Tribune of our legion".
The young man waved his hand and the Praetorians moved away, allowing him access to the newcomers.
"Helena Justina !", he exclaimed, "How good it is to see you once again ... and you too, Vettius Valerius".
Valerius nodded.
"Actually, my dear Helena", he continued, putting his arm around Helena in a conspiratory manner, "You were wrong on both counts. Name and title".
Helena pulled away, shock registering in her eyes. "What ? Where's Augustus ?"
"I'm afraid I have some bad news", he replied, affecting a sadness that didn't reach his eyes, "Our dear Legate is dead".
Helena gasped and would have fallen had the young man not held her up.
"How ? ... when ?" was all she could say. KayEm moved towards her, just daring the young noble to put a step wrong.
He shook his head. "Almost a month ago", he replied, "It was the beast".
Pisky walked to stand beside KayEm. Whoever Augustus had been, his death had affected Helena visibly and the pixy added his own support to that of his wife.
"I'm Pisky", he said to the young Roman, "the original Cornish Pixy". Two of the Praetorians moved towards him, swords drawn, but were halted by an imperious gesture from the nobleman.
"And I am Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus", came the reply. Helena closed her eyes and shivered. She knew the name well, and could guess what his new title was.
"Caligula", said Pisky, looking the younger man straight in the eyes.
"You know your history", laughed Caligula, "but do you know me?"
"I'm sure we will become acquainted", the pixy replied, looking around to survey the grounds and using this as an excuse to tear his glance from the souless eyes of their host. "You have a splendid villa", he continued, "almost fit for an Emperor".
Caligula smiled sardonically, "It suffices", he drawled, "I plan a major refit in the spring". He leaned towards one of his Praetorians and muttered something softly before turning once again to the pixy and his companions.
"You are welcome to stay with us for as long as you wish", he said as the guard strode away to do his Emperor's bidding, "However, the reason for your coming here is no longer extant".
"Meaning ?"
Caligula smiled. "Meaning that the beast has been caught".


Butser Ancient Farm





[Edited on 16-5-2004 by Pisky]

Ohh I don't like the look of that Caesar Glutus Maximus mister... I've been to Butser! It's amazing, I've got some photo's somewhere...I'll see if I can dig them out. Keep it coming, Pisky!

another good read, and I love a cliff hanger, I can't wait to find out what this beast is .

ooh pisky very good, keep up the great work, i must be a pain in the ass to travel with, withouth having my morning coffee, lol . i love the pictures that you put with the story! it makes your story come alive. can't wait to see what comes next!!

Very very good. I like the fact that no matter what I expect to happen, its always something I didn't think of.

"This thing reeks worse than Pisky's socks", muttered KayEm, holding her nose as the stench of decomposition reached her sensitive nostrils.
"Worse !", muttered the pixy, leaning down and prodding the creature with a stick. "What the feck is this thing anyway ?"
They were grouped around a greyish coloured creature which somewhat resembled a large Great Dane, that is if you ingored the scaly skin and long spikes ranged along its spinal column. The legs were long and muscular, ending in almost handlike appendages, each digit of which sported a wicked looking claw.
Valerius shook his head. "Fook knows", he said, "its not normal anyway".
LadyCool was standing beside KayEm, her eyes fixed on the rotting corpse lying not three feet from her. "I seem to remember something like this", she said, her face creased in concentration. Then she muttered an obsecenity and crossed her arms, "Sod it - I can't remember".
Helena's face was white as she regarded the animal with undisguised disgust. "Is this the one that attacked Claudia ?", she asked no-one in particular. "It just seems smaller".
"That's the one", Caligula replied, "It looks a lot smaller lying here, but believe me, when it was slashing out at us with its claws, it seemed a damn sight bigger".
Pisky crouched down and lifted its head. "Look at these fecking fangs !", he exclaimed, "Bigger than that hound of yours, LC". The teeth were pencil thin and extremely sharp and at almost five inches long, they made Phoebe's own canines look pitifully inadequate.
The dog growled her annoyance and stalked away, rapidly followed by Pillywiggin.

"How did Augustus die ?"
Helena had tears in her eyes and her voice came as if from a long distance. Caligula turned and a look of pain crossed his face for a moment before he controlled himself and replaced it with one of haughty superiority.
"Someone found fresh tracks", he explained, "Augustus and Actaeonis went out to see if they could find where its lair was. I tried to reason with him, but he refused to be swayed. I told him that I would accompany them, but was ordered to wake the legion and wait for his return". Caligula sighed then reached out and took hold of Helena's right hand. "When they hadn't returned after an hour I took a troop to look for them. We met Actaeonis on the way back. He told us that they had come across the beast feasting on a dead sheep and Augustus had decided to attack it while it was distracted. It didn't work and he was fatally injured. Actaeonis was badly gashed but managed to escape. When we reached the place Augustus was killed, we saw ..."
Helena pulled away and, sobbing bitterly, rushed away.
Sadness crossed Caligula's face. "I would never have ..." Then he turned to the Praetorian beside him. "Burn that" he commanded, and strode away in the same direction as Helena.

LadyCool, Sarah and Asala sat against the outside of the villa indulging in an amphora of wine. They were all somewhat relaxed and heading to early inebriation when LadyCool leaped to her feet, staggered a little as the wine took affect, then headed towards where Pisky and KayEm were talking to a serious looking man dressed in a red tunic and sporting a large bandage on his right arm..
"Eureka !!!", LadyCool shouted as she reached the group.
"Wrong language", grinned Pisky.
"Arse that, pixy-brain !", came the reply, "I know where I saw one of those things before"
"Necronomicon ?"
"It doesn't exist" LadyCool explained, "Neither does 'De Vermis Mysteriis', despite what the producers of 'Hellboy' would like us to think"
"So where in fex name did you see it ?"
"ATS of course" LadyCool put her hands on her hips and grinned. "Actually, it was a link from an ATS thread"
"So what is it ?", KayEm asked, intrigued.
"El Chupacabra", LadyCool inclined her head and made a small bow.
For once the pixy didn't have a sarcastic reply to hand.

"You saw it", LadyCool explained as her three companions digested the information, "Especially those spikes on its back. Its an exact pic of the one I saw on the net, and that was supposed to be based on eyewitness accounts".
"But there's a problem with that", said KayEm, "Chupacabra are seen only in central America, although there have been reports of them as far as California".
"Well, they must be on holiday then", LadyCool replied with a smile, "Because that is a chupacabra. Pity I couldn't see it before it was killed. That would have been cool".
"You may get the chance", the pixy replied, "Actaeonis here tells us that he's certain that the one being cremated by our friendly Praetorians isn't the one that attacked Claudia".
"And if you remember", interrupted KayEm, "Helena showed doubt when she saw it, too".
LadyCool looked around to where smoke from the burning creature rose into the air. "Oh wow", she exclaimed, "So you mean there's another one ?"
"At least one", said Actaeonis. "Possibly more". He would have elaborated but for the appearance of one of the Praetorians who strode pursefully towards the group on a task for Caligula.
"Time to go", muttered Actaeonis, "Meet me after the evening meal. I'll tell you what I know". And with that, he rapidly walked away.
The Praetorian was tall and heavily tattoed with a pointed goatee and dark eyes. Saluting in the standard Roman manner, he turned towards Pisky; "The 'Emperor' invites you to a feast tonight" he said; "To celebrate the death of the beast". He stammered the words in a manner that implied that they were part of a script. "He bids you to attend him at ... er ... "
"Duodecima hora", LadyCool finished for him. "Normally the hour before sunset". The Praetorian glared, then with a salute, strode away.
"Don't look so shocked" LadyCool explained in an exasperated voice, "I've been learning Latin. I was training to be a barrister after all".
"And ended up as a highway robber"; Pisky grinned at the irony.
"Well, a girl's got to eat", she replied, "And the sooner the better. I'm starving".
"Serves you right for living on rabbit food", came the pixyish reply, "That's got to be bad for you".
"Being a vegetarian is perfectly natural", LadyCool explained, "Providing you can get the right balance in your diet. It's certainly better than living on Cornish Pasties and cider".
The pixy disagreed. "Rather you than me", he replied.
"Then I guess I'll just have to educate you then", came the reply; At which point, much to the pixy's dismay, LadyCool began to extol the virtues of living a vegetarian lifestyle.

Benjj and Pantha sat with Valerius in the roundhouse put at the disposal of the visitors. It was typical in its design, with a large doorway and a living area seperated by wooden partitions. Following Caligula's instructions, tired looking ostlers had delivered their saddlebags and equipment before returning to the stables to see to the horses.
The fire blazed merrily while the three occupants of the house sat around drinking wine and discussing recent events.
"This is a weird setup", Benjj remarked, taking a sip of his wine and looking across the fire to where the door stood open.
"It is that", came Valerius' reply, "I never trusted that Titus. Smarmy bastard".
"Titus ?" asked Pantha, reaching over and refilling her goblet.
"He calls himself Germanicus now, but he was Titus before he took over from Augustus".
"You mean the 'Emperor' ? " asked Benjj sacastically.
"Thats what he calls himself now, yes. He's always been a git anyway. Power crazed arsehole. When the production team was doling out names and jobs, he wanted the top one. Fortunately for us, Augustus beat him to it. I wouldn't be surprised if one of his hired thugs bumped off the Legate so he could take over".
"Where did they come from anyway ?", asked Pantha, "You said they are new".
"I managed to have a few words with Claudia", he replied. "She told me that a few days after we left, some unsavoury looking bastards came calling. The Legate wanted them to push off but Titus suggested that they be allowed to join us. He reckoned that the more men there were to defend the village, the better. Augustus told Titus that if he wanted them, he'd better get them trained or they'd be out on their ears".
Valerius picked up the amphora and poured himself a fresh goblet of wine before continuing;
"When Augustus died", he said, "Titus used them to con the rest of us that the village would be better served with him as leader and with his new friends as some kind of defence force. Then, once he'd been accepted, he changed his name and title and made his thugs into the Praetorians".
"So they just turned up ?". This was from Benjj who found the whole thing suspect.
"Yes", Valerius replied, "Although I think Titus knew one of them from before".
"And they're mercenaries now ?", Pantha asked.
"Yes. Caligula paid them from his own coffers apparently. A couple hundred denarii for the gob#e who became their Centurion and a hundred each for the others".
"So you still use money then ?"
'Yes. The producers wanted things to be as real to life as possible. They supplied a few crates of sestertii and denarii for common use, and the Legate and Tribune managed the flow".
"Quite the little market place" commented Benjj whose earlier career had been in the area of finance.
Pantha was sceptical of such almost-dictatorial control, although she recognised that that was exactly how Ancient Rome functioned. "Does that mean Caligula gets complete carte blanche with how the money is used ?"
"Yes". Valerius took a drink. "He's got a strongbox somewhere in the Villa that used to be guarded by a couple of our legionaries. Caligula replaced them with his own men".

A shadow crossed the open door and Pisky entered, followed by LadyCool who was rattling on about the benefits of a vegetarian diet. KayEm entered immediately afterwards, grinning as she watched the pixy being lectured.
"... so thats why eating a balanced vegetarian diet is the best way to a healthy mind and body", LadyCool said, completing her spiel before sitting beside Pantha and pouring herself a goblet of wine.
"My body is quite well, thank you", responded Pisky, "and according to KayEm, my mind is a lost cause. So I may as well stick with what I know".
LadyCool sighed in despair and took a drink.
"What ho, fellow traveller !", said Valerius with a grin, waving his goblet and toasting the newcomers.
"The Emperor", said Pisky in his best Patrician tone, "Has commanded our presence at a feast he is giving to celebrate the vanquishing of the beast".
"Whoopy fookin doo", said Valerius in an altogether unroman manner. LadyCool giggled.
"I doubt Helena will feel up to it", Pantha said, "She looked pretty upset earlier".
"You'd be too, if your childhood sweetheart had been ripped to bits by some demon from the nether pits", retorted Valerius.
"I ...", Pantha stuttered, "I didn't know".
"No, thats' not fair of me. Not many did know. She told me on the way out to find you guys. She hadn't seen him for years, then he turned up at the Village. They'd only been an item for a few days before he sent us out".
"Why in hell's name did he send her away then ?" KayEm looked dumbfounded. "I could never send Pisky hundreds of miles from me. And even then, he'd ignore me anyway". Pisky grinned in confirmation.
Valerius sighed; "I reckon he knew something. If he was willing to send her away, that must mean things were pretty risky here. Don't quote me though, I just think he'd found something out and he didn't want Helena involved".
"Something about Caligula ?"
"Doubt it. His mates didn't arrive until after we'd left. I think it was something about the beast". Valerius was about to elaborate when a high pitched shriek echoed through the village.
"That's Helena !", KayEm exclaimed, leaping up and rushing out of the roundhouse.
With a curse, Pisky drew his Pictish sword and ran after his wife, followed by the rest of the group.

"You useless bastard !!!"
Helena was shrieking and sobbing, her voice having lost its cultured tones and reverting to pure primal rage. "Why didn't you stay. Why didn't you help ???"
"There was nothing I ...", muttered Actaeonis, but was immediately silenced by another burst of abuse from Helena. "You cowardly piece of # !!! ... you fooking ran !!!. You left him there to die !!!"
"He was already dead when I left", Actaeonis said sadly. "I would have died myself if I'd stayed. I couldn't do anything for him. he was already dead"
Helena slapped him hard in the face. Actaeonis closed his eyes and made no attempt to defend himself.
"You didnt ... even ... try", Helena dropped to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably and moaning in anguish. She felt a hand on her shoulder and shrugged it off. Then KayEm was crouching before her, holding out a hand. Helena leaned towards her friend and cried deep painful tears onto KayEm's shoulder.
Actaeonis stood for a while shaking in disbelief, then pain crossed his face and he hurried away, leaving KayEm to comfort the distraught woman. Pisky appeared but was warned off by a glance from his wife. Understanding that KayEm needed space if she was to be of any use to Helena, the pixy returned to the vacated roundhouse taking his companions with him.


Duodecima hora

A rumble of thunder could be heard from the West. Outside, rain lashed down, turning the ground of the village into a sea of mud. Inside the villa all was warm and cozy, lit by small oil lamps and heated by iron braziers sprinkled with sweet smelling herbs. Couches had been laid out in a rectangular shape, each with a small table to accompany it. Benches stood against the wall upon which ranged various foods, from bread and cheese to the typically Roman stuffed olives. Roasted chicken and eel steamed in bowls, while large amphorae contained the best wine the village had to offer.

Caligula presided over the feast with his Centurion slouching beside him. The man glared around him, as if waiting for the slightest reason to make trouble. Erisian caught his eye, then looked away as he leered at her and made a crude gesture.
LadyCool, Sarah and Asala, having partaken of wine earlier, were well on in the inebriation stakes. Sarah was ranting about her old bosses in New York, cursing them to a life of toil under the all-seeing eye of the Corporations, while Asala leaned back, closed her eyes and went to sleep.
Caligula's voice cut through the murmer of conversation. "Where is our lovely Helena ?", he asked. He managed to make the question appear genuine. Maybe it was.
"She was sleeping when I left her", KayEm replied. "If she wakes in time, maybe she'll come over. If not, I'll pop in and see her later".
Caligula nodded his thanks and turned to speak with his Centurion.
"So what do you think of all this ?", asked Benjj, leaning over to talk to the pixy. "Any point staying or should we just bugger off home ?"
"We're seeing this Actaeonis character later", Pisky explained, "He says he has something to tell us. Reckons the beast we saw today isn't the one that attacked the woman".
"Claudia ?"
"That's the one. Anyway, he asked us to meet him after the feast. The least we can do is hear him out". Benjj nodded.
The door opened and one of the dowdy servants ushered an ashen faced Helena Justina into the room. Caligula smiled and gestured her to sit beside him. As she reached KayEm, she bent down and muttered her thanks, before continuing to where Caligula had made room for her.
"My dear", he said as Helena sat beside him, "I do hope you are feeling better. I heard of the little spat you had with Actaeonis".
"I'm fine" Helena replied quietly. "I just can't believe ..."
"That Augustus is gone". Caligula completed the sentence. "I know".
Helena looked up and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "I never told you ..." he began, but his words were interrupted by the door slamming open and a shocked looking legionary rushing through the room towards him.
"You need to see this !!!" he said breathlessly, "There's a body !"
Caligula leaped to his feet; "Show me !". Grabbing his cloak he strode along the length of the room, calling to his Centurion to follow. Pisky and KayEm followed suite, rushing after the Emperor in case they could be of use.
Outside, the wind howled. Caligula's cloak flapped in the storm, making him look like a giant bat. Pisky muttered abuse as he pulled on his pixy hat, while KayEm lifted the hood of her coat. The legionary grabbed a nearby pitch torch and led the way past the nearest roundhouses towards a smaller one just below the Praetorian barracks.
Stopping at the door, he pushed it open and held the torch so that Caligula and the others could see. Boxes and caskets lined the sides of the roundhouse which was obviously being kept as a storage building. Smoked fish hung from the rafters above the firehole, but it wasn't those that caught the eye. In the centre of the room, lying on his back with his eyes open and staring into infinity was Actaeonis. A knife protruded from his chest, the blood from the wound having pooled beside his body. Caligula closed his eyes and muttered a prayer to Jove while Pisky and KayEm entered the room. The pixy took a deep breath and bent to examined the body while the legionary stood shivering just inside the door.
Muttering imprecations, Pisky took hold of the knife and pulled it out. With a sucking squelch, it came free. The pixy grimaced and picked up an old sack with which he cleaned off most of the blood. Turning, he offered the grisly burden to Caligula who took it without a word and held it in the light of the torch.
"Jupiter !!!". Caligula motioned Pisky and KayEm to see what he had discovered.
On the hilt of the knife was a small oval disk containing an insignia. It showed the figure of Pax holding out an olive branch. Below it was a delicately carved series of letters.
KayEm closed her eyes. Pisky took a sharp indrawn breath. Caligula said what the others could not.
"H J F", he spoke in a sombre tone. "This is Helena Justina's knife".

Oh my!! Didn't see that one coming...was she framed? Or is this another shocking twist in the never ending tale? Find out next week on Pisky's ATS Story, brought to you by the original Cornish Pixy in association with Above Top Secret!
And remember folks, Deny Ignorance!

Wow I could do this for a living....

I do hope that you're not going to keep us in suspence for too long with this one pisky I can wait to see if Helena's guilty or if it is a fit up.

oh my, i didn't see that one coming either! i sure hope Helena didn't do it, but you never know, love is a very strong thing......

It was nothing to do with me !
I'm innocent ... innocent I tell you !!!!

I love it !!!

And I don't mind you bumping off my childhood sweetheart - he cast me aside for a brunette with pigtails when we were eleven and I've never forgiven him

Good work, Pisky. Keep it up.

I knew it! She even eyed up that Donkey abit funny when we we running low on food... MURRRRRRRRRRRRDERER.

"Helena Justina is as guilty as sin !", roared Tiberius Simplex, Centurion of the Praetorians, "You only need look at the evidence !!!"
"That 'evidence' is circumstantial and you know it !", replied KayEm with a fierce look in her eyes.
"Circumstantial my arse ! She's seen arguing with someone who is later found dead. Murdered with her knife. She was not at the feast until late and she has no witnesses to prove her story". The Centurion crossed his arms with a smug grin on his face.
"Enough !!!!". Caligula slammed his fist on the table and glared around the room. In the hours since the discovery of Actaeonis' body, the Emperor had been milling through the events of the last night. He was tired and drained, but knew his duty, and that was to order a thorough investigation prior to a public trial.
Helena Justina sat quietly on a chair to the left of the room. Beside her KayEm paced angrily while Pisky tapped the hilt of his scabbarded sword. Caligula occupied the same couch he had during the interrupted feast, with Simplex now standing at his right. One of the Praetorians stood at the door, refusing access to anyone attempting to enter the room.

"Helena Justina, where is your counsel ?", Caligula spoke quietly.
"She ...."
A rumpus from behind the door caused her to halt. Her eyes went to where the Praetorian was clutching his groin and groaning pitifully with a pained look on his face.
"Sorry I'm late", LadyCool said as she breezed in, "I had a bit of problem with the staff".
"You mean he wouldn't let you in so you kicked him in the nuts ?", asked the pixy with a grin on his face.
"I claim self defence".
KayEm smiled as she watched LadyCool crossing the hall to stand before Caligula. Helena's counsel was dressed completely in pink, with a little pink hat balanced upon her blonde locks and a large handbag hanging from one shoulder. From within the handbag peered Phoebe, looking as embarassed as it was possible for a dog to be.
"Bugger me !", laughed the pixy, "It's Reese Witherspoon !"
"I'll have you know that she copied me said LadyCool, placing the handbag onto the ground. Phoebe took this opportunity to scramble out and hide behind a chair while from one of the ceiling beams came the sound of high-pitched laughter. Caligula looked up, to see a small grey and white kitten rolling around giggling at the dog below. "Remove that kitten from my court !", he demanded, "And the dog as well ... This is not a menagerie !"



That was easier said than done with the kitten hanging from the beams, but eventually the errant creature was cast out alongside his canine companion. The Praetorian, still looking queasy after LadyCool's violent entrance, closed the door and the proceedings began.

The Centurion recapped what was already known. That Helena Justina had been seen quarreling with Actaeonis mere hours before he was discovered dead with Helena's own knife embedded in his ribcage. That Helena blamed Actaeonis for the death of Augustus and that she had been late to the feast, giving her ample time to commit the murder, and that no one saw her from the time KayEm left her supposedly sleeping, until she entered the villa for the feast.

"Open and shut", scowled Simplex, "she's guilty".
"That is for me to decide", said Caligula, "When I have heard all the evidence". He turned towards Helena.
"Helena Justina", he repeated his earlier question, "where is your counsel?"
"Here !", said LadyCool chirpily, raising her arm as if answering the register at school.
"Roman law", said Caligula, "states that only a man may stand as counsel. If the defendant is a man, he can represent himself, If the defendant is a woman she requires a man to stand for her".
"What ???" LadyCool glared at Caligula, "That's the most sexist piece of crap I've ever heard !!!"
"Unfortunately he's right", said Helena in confirmation. "In Roman society men spoke for their womenfolk".
Caligula looked around the room; "Will any man stand counsel for Helena Justina ?"
Pisky stood. "None of us has the relevant experience", he explained. "I once defeated a landlord in a legal matter, but that was purely because she allowed her emotions to get the better of her. She dropped herself in the # and I merely pointed out the stench".
Caligula sighed. "I suppose you have legal experience ?", he asked LadyCool who was standing with her arms crossed glowering at him.
"Of course", she replied, "I was training to become a barrister. Once my training was complete, I planned to become the second woman Prime Minister of Britain".
Pisky stifled a giggle. Caligula shook his head. LadyCool glared at both of them.
"Allowing a woman to stand counsel is illegal", Caligula explained, "However, the Ancient Roman Emperor was allowed certain leeway with regards to the law".
"That's a nice way of saying they were dictators and made their own laws up whenever they wanted to" Pisky whispered to KayEm. Caligula glared angrily at the pixy before continuing.
"In the interests of justice, I will allow this woman to stand counsel for Helena Justina".
LadyCool whooped in joy and leaped into the air.
"However", continued, "I must insist on dignity while in this chamber".
LadyCool put her hand across her mouth but couldn't disguise the grin that lurked below.

"Let the proceedings begin", said Caligula in a depressed tone. It looked as if was going to be a long day.
From a curtained room behind Caligula's couch came a small, thin, balding man holding a wax tablet and stylus. He was dressed in the same drab manner as the ostlers had been and his face held the same hangdog expression. The man took up position beside Caligula and prepared his writing implements, ensuring that the stylus was sharp enough to score the wax covering of the tablet. Once satisfied, he looked around the room.
"I require the names of all involved in this case", he said in a gravelly voice then looked at the Centurion. "Your name please, for the record ?"
"You already know my bloody name you old git", came the unfriendly reply.
"For the record please".
"Fook me ! ... you buggers really take yourselves seriously, don't you ?"
"We have to", Caligula interrupted, "It's the only way we will survive. With law and order !!!"
The Centurion nodded and complied with the request; "Tiberius Simplex, Centurion", he began, "But my mates call me 'Slugger' ".
"And why is that ?"
"Because if anyone screws me around, I slug the bastard", he said, waving his large fist around threateningly.
"Neanderthal", whispered KayEm. Pisky nodded.
The old man scribbled rapidly on the tablet before turning towards LadyCool.
"And you are ... Reese Witherspoon ?"
"That's a vicious rumour spread around by people who shall be nameless", LadyCool replied, turning towards the grinning Pisky. "I'm Kate".
"Kate ?"
"Well, 'Bob' actually, but my friends call me 'Kate'"
The old man was completely bewildered. "Bob ?"
LadyCool shook her head, "Forget it - it's an old Blackadder joke"
"So you're not Reese Witherspoon ? - But thats what he said". The old man pointed towards where Pisky was now performing a passable impression of the Laughing Kitten.
"He was taking the piss", came the exasperated reply.
"Senile old git', said Simplex nastily, "He's a waste of a human body. The worst slave I've ever seen".
"What ????" Kate turned rapidly towards where the Centurion was lounging arrogantly against a pillar.
"He's a what ???"
"A slave. What did you think he was ? A nuclear scientist ?"
"You have slaves here ????"
"Of course", Caligula explained, "When the experiment was set up, each person was given a task. Some were Patricians, some Equestrians, some Plebians and some Slaves. It was the order in Ancient Rome and its the order here now".
Kate stood dumbfounded at this relevation. "Why in heaven's name do they stick it ???"
"Because they have nowhere else to go"
Pisky stood and strode over to stand beside LadyCool. "They can come to Stokesay if they want. Slavery is barbaric and no right thinking human being could possibly accept it".
"It is the order here and here is where they stay !". Caligula turned ice cold eyes upon the pixy.
Pisky held the stare for a second before turning to Helena.
"You knew of this ? ... that there are slaves here ?"
"Of course", she replied nonchantly, "We've always had them. Since the place was set up. This is supposed to be an outpost of 'Ancient Rome' after all".
"Feck this !!!", cursed the pixy angrily, "Lets get out of here. Let them stew in their own ..."

A yell broke the tension. The door flew open followed by the guard who was desperately trying to stop someone entering the room. An angry looking Sarah stormed in, her eyes afire. Remembering his earlier encounter, the Praetorian covered his genitals with his hands and rapidly scuttled away.
"Just as well", Sarah muttered as she stormed across the room, "I haven't had any coffee today and I am not a happy bunny. Pisky, KayEm, we have a problem !"
KayEm leaped to her feet. "What ?"
"You know that thing they killed ?"
"Yes"
"Well, his friends are on his way to collect him - and they look pissed!!!"

Fecking amazing. Been following along but I had run out of ways to praise this body of work. And it keeps getting better.

Pisky, I've got to hand it to you, great story! I had to stay home today (nasty flu bug) and read your story from begining to current chaper. Made me forget how crappy I feel for a while. Thanks again and keep up the"fecking" good work!



Three thumbs up!

Just finished reading watcha have posted... WELL DONE! Totally wicked story!!! *applause*

Stop it I'm crying in a library!! Ahaahahahhaha, you can't unsee what you've seen, and that's so true, I'll never forget that picture.
OH.MY.GOD. Ahahahahahahahahahaha lmao, aah breathe, breathe! And you even snuck Bob in there, pure genius!

As for the chubacabra can I go kick some serious arse now please? Oh go on! If they touch my prada I'll kill them... No I need a sword to be pulled outta the bag, class!