A simple question for my ATS family.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Hi openyourmind1262!
I just read every post here. Pretty much every member who posted a response to you is someone whose opinion I would trust. I read a lot more than I post, and the names here are like a 'who's who' of good advisers (there are so many here!).

I'm in the same position as you (kind of)...ex-husband owes me about $40,000...and now the kids are grown.

As for your question? I can't put it any better than my predecessors. Do the right thing for that small child. You will be glad you did.

jacygirl

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Your ex has proven herself to be utterly incapable of caring for a child long term, because she has proven herself incapable of looking after her own interests in the long term. I very much doubt that psychologically speaking, being apart from the children she gave birth to, has been very good for her, and yet she has repeatedly behaved in a manner which made it impossible for her to insert her self into their lives in a healthy and positive way.

Personally speaking, if I were you, I would consider it my civic duty, and my duty as a human being, to prevent any child being left in her care, for any reason. If she is anything like as bad as you say, I would rather leave a child with a hungry wolf, than with your ex. At least a hungry wolf would not take their time in destroying the child, rather than drawing the process out, and using their own bad programming to do the job.

I think it just depends on what her current life situation is like.

Also, what color is the kid. If it's a black or Mexican it might not ever get a home and will be tossed around foster care.

If she's in a decent place in her life and is getting things back on track then that should be what you look at. That's what I would look at anyway. But one thing I've realized with people who have spent their life on drugs and involved in things like prostitution is that they never truly escape that life. Usually the women in those situations were abused when younger, meaning they are even more likely to date douche bags that might put future brood at risk.

If you're just going to testify because she owes you money then that's not something I would personally agree in doing(for that reason alone) but obviously the law would be on your side.

I completely understand the sick feeling you must get when thinking about a woman who abandoned her children who now wants to adopt someone else's and raise them when she didn't even raise her own.

Take Dog The Bounty Hunters wife, for instance: She gave up her son when he was an infant. She never knew him until he came around when he was in his twenties. But some years later, after giving up her baby, she had more kids and raised them. The son that she abandoned came and found her after he was in his 20's and they established a relationship.

IDK man, it's a bad situation. There's just no way of feeling good about any of it. Maybe she finally seen the light, or she sees adoption as a way to make money? If you feel it's your duty to let the adoption agency know about her then you know what you must do. I think if she "changed her spots" or seen the light, then she would've came to the kids she abandoned and try and make it right.

OK. Here's the deal. You are a biased witness by definition, so you don't want to come across as vindictive. You need to play it straight and completely truthful. In terms of the money, yes, it's a debt, but don't obsess on it or they will think you're just interested in the money. You should mention it only in context. "This person did not support her children despite a court order for child support. She paid a total of $XXX.XX in 18 years leaving an unpaid obligation of $XX,XXX.XX. My kids are grown and on their own. I raised them myself without any help from her. She has proven herself an unfit parent." End of story. The rest of it might center on her lack of communication toward her children over the years and, if no one else points it out, the lifestyle and police record she has accrued. I just counsel a straight-forward, matter-of-fact accounting that does not delve into emotion or anything at all that can be construed as merely a matter of biased opinion.

Fylgje
I completely understand the sick feeling you must get when thinking about a woman who abandoned her children who now wants to adopt someone else's and raise them when she didn't even raise her own.

Take Dog The Bounty Hunters wife, for instance: She gave up her son when he was an infant. She never knew him until he came around when he was in his twenties. But some years later, after giving up her baby, she had more kids and raised them. The son that she abandoned came and found her after he was in his 20's and they established a relationship.

IDK man, it's a bad situation. There's just no way of feeling good about any of it. Maybe she finally seen the light, or she sees adoption as a way to make money? If you feel it's your duty to let the adoption agency know about her then you know what you must do. I think if she "changed her spots" or seen the light, then she would've came to the kids she abandoned and try and make it right.

She may have given up her first born because >>>>

# She may have been a teen abandoned single mother at that time, and gave up her

child for the better good of that baby ,,, being adopted by a 'loving couple who

were able to give him the life she was at the time unable to. She may infact have

given him up at a tremendous emotional expense to herself.


Don't make judgements when you are not in possession of ALL the facts


@ the OP add my name to all the other posters .... It would seem you have a

majority verdict

She should in no way be able to foster children due to her track record of hard-drug use. Granted people can become clean or what have you but the hard truth is once you're addicted to something like crack or Heroin, you are always addicted. Because you don't use anymore doesn't mean that you are over your addiction, just to clarify.

Secondly, I can't stop thinking that if this woman had a penis, with all her debt in child support, she would undoubtedly be in prison or in jail on work release.

If you don't step forward will you be ok with the decision to have stayed quiet if something should ever happen to that child should she get adoption rights?

I think you know the answer to your question and I, along with most members, know the answer.

You must testify, give your side of events relating to the experiences involving the mother of your children and let the courts decide.

I believe that everyone should be given a second chance in life, we are after all fallible human beings. However, reading your accounts of what you have had to deal with over the last 25 years, I really don't think your ex will ever change. Sometimes we have to accept that some people are just bad and no matter what assistance is offered, they will never change.

I also believe we have a duty of care to the vulnerable in our society, children, the elderly and the infirm.

Best of luck.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Dear openyourmind - yes people make mistakes, some people eventually wisen up and can turn into decent people. In this case I don't think so. All you have to go by is what you have lived and what you know. A little child's life hangs in the balance. A little one who is an open sponge to the world, expecting love and wanting to give love. This child needs someone who puts them first in everything. This child isn't an object to be used a test subject: will the ex do the right thing and come through or will it be a huge disaster? If the end result is a disaster it's the child that will end up the disaster. Too much at stake.

What's $50 a month all things considered. Peanuts. You know you'll never see anything of what's owing. It's gone.

You can do the right thing by this child. It could be only you who makes the final choice that determines the fate of this child. If you were to think back on your children when they were babies you would have wished someone would do the right thing for them if you were watching from the sidelines.

We must stand up for the children of this world - they need all the love they can get which in turn gives them the best chance to make it through this world.

Follow your gut - it's already telling you the truth.

You can not let her adopt, or at least do your part to stop it. She isn't even paying the $50 a month to you. She should be arrested. Thats the law here anyway.

I was paying $213 a week for my two girls and when I would get laid off and miss a payment they would have me in court so fast my head would spin.

So who is going to look after this child when she is arrested again for non payment or do you just sign off on 57k?

Not to mention the drug use.

Thanks everyone. I knew my friends at ATS could give good sage advice on a very touchy subject. I have been asked and I will tell them all about what I know about my ex. Understand this is a DSS case, child has been taken by DSS and is now in foster care. It's my understanding my ex knows the birth mother..who happens to be a drug addict, just like my ex. I am going tomorrow morning to DSS in our county and give a deposition of statement.

Some have I beleive, misconstrued the money issue. The $50 a month I get now, hell I give it away. I spend it at the dollar store each month then give the items I buy to a person in the store at the time I'm there, that i feel needs it. Normally it's folks with small kids and such. I aint hard spotting folks who need some help. There all around us. The money is secondary, all ways has been. I included that in the op as so all would know she owed a duty of support for her own kids and how could you ask to be a adoptive parent when, if she was allowed be an adoptive parent charged again with a duty of supporting this new child. It just boggles my mind how she could even begin to think this was gonna go her way.

My daughter & son from her, are both in a damn tizzy that she could even be considered. They too have been asked to give a statement to DSS as well. Now, I might have been born at night, but it was'nt last night. I know the possibility of me ever getting the complete amount owed to me $ 57,439.03 is a far stretch. But I will exhaust the system as best I can. I have allways stayed within the system ( child support system). This whole thing will open up the avenue for me to ask for a upward modification of her support order..maybe get that $50 a month upped to the original amount or at least a fair amount given her income. I promised my children long ago that I would fight to see she paid every dime she was ordered to pay. I can't for the life of me break that promise to my kids nor myself.

It seem as if for the past few months the only things I've dealt with are subjects of the heart and emotion. From my Christmas adventure of a new family member to this. I am not a hard asrse, if my ex owed me nothing & she would have came to terms with her own children and tried more so than she has to re-connect and try to establish a realationship with her own, I would'nt care what she does. I would'nt agree with an adoption, but I would feel it's none of my business. But I am involved, and I have been asked to give my account for the DSS & courts to come to a decision. As some has said..it's my civic duty. This has driven a much larger wedge in between my ex and her own kids. You think I'm in a tizzy... nothing compared to their feelings.

I want to thank you all for the advice..... And yes it was a unanimous decision on all of our parts. I am looking forward to the summer , I hear there's damn nice 5 star hotel resort in West Texas.... I think I & the wife are gonna try it out. PS. My ex is remarried and has a husband who himself is under support order from our same county for his two kids aged 10 & 7, and pays arrears on his daughter that's 28. Peace OYM1262 PSSS. When the system is exhausted trying ti get my arrears, ( it will expire 10 years after the kids aged out ) which in this case is when my son reaches 31 years of age daughter as well. So I have 5 more years that child support enforement will work on my behalf. After that if any monies are still owed , it's on me. At that time if any is still left oweing, I will consolidate it for a judgement in court and slap liens on anything she owns. My biggest gripe for anyone and my biggest dis-taste for any people are for people who don't take care of their children.... They ( the children did not asked to be born).

I say testify against her. Not out of pure spite towards her, but to save another child from having to be subjected to her negligence. I have a feeling they would just check her background and probably laugh her out of the courtroom anyway, but your testimony will help seal the deal.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


Testify and have your lawyer take her back to court pointing out that she CAN afford to pay more.Don't let her get away with this nonsense.You had to pay all those years while raising the children with no help from they're mother.I'm willing to bet that she doesn't even really care about this new child.More likely she wants it for gov. assistance.Don't let her abandon another child.She should be sterilized .

reply to post by openyourmind1262


First off, even though we're in different countries, your ex and mine aren't surgically separated twins from birth are they? I got the spooks reading your op.

Second, and while I can't speak for the system and it's differences in the US, it is extremely hard to adopt a child, even with a relatively clean slate. They pry into everything about you to make sure the adoptee isn't going to be sent to some slave labour camp or worse if you know what I mean.

The best thing you can do is put in a Statutory Declaration (not sure if they are called the same in the US) regarding your ex and her activities. It may well be construed as sour grapes, but really the facts will speak for themselves and with any luck that kind of person will never be allowed within shouting distance of any kid.

Good on you for taking on your kids too and raising them right. It's sometimes a hard road we single parents tread, but ultimately very worth it when the hard work pays off when you see your kids become the best of you and more. from me.

reply to post by 74Templar


I have allways said, " All I ever wanted from raising my kids is that when their grown and gone and they come visit me, that their visiting because thay want to and not because they feel obligated" My son is my best friend, and me & my daughter are about as close as a father & daughter can get. Kudo's to you for being a single parent and doing right by your offspring. Kudo's to all single parents who have an ex- spouse that's a deadbeat. I give my statement today at 1:00pm. If this thread has taught me anything, it's there's good folks all around the world who suffer the same problems. It seems as if deadbeat parents are a world wide problem.

reply to post by openyourmind1262


I think you already know what you need to do. You just needed to put it in words and talk about it. The truth will keep that child free of a messed up life. Make the decision and don't look back.

I gave my statement last Friday. I was assured she would be released in her attempt at taking custody of the child. It remains the judge's decision, but the report will relate all the past occurances of her shoddy parenting skills. As far as the money she owes me....we'll see.