Like the backdrop of the play has been kicked down

I lost someone very dear to me which seemed to put these things into focus but the onset of the occurrences which began to paint the world in colors which began to make it a thing I looked at as not quite right/as I thought I knew the world began months before it. There are so many occurrences of different types, and seemingly confirmations of the things I cannot explain with science (other than to suspect I'm cracked) that have occurred that it made me feel when I would step outside and look around like I was on the set of a play; By saying it was like feeling like everything was of a play I do not mean it in that everything in the world is acting for entertainment but that things were not as simple as they seemed, that this was a stage and things were happening behind the scenes if that makes sense.

I may post most of the occurrences but I figured I would start with two, these are not the first occurrences but I have not experienced nor have I heard of anything like them prior.

A few nights after the loss in my desperation I turned to taking apart reality in a wishfully what I believed to be a logical in a hypothetical sense scientific way. I sat there in the dark and I tried to send myself a message from the present to the past. This sounds insane but I figured that time really doesn’t exist it’s just how our minds put things together or makes sense of how things change, creating the past, present and future. Anyway so there I was figuring since time doesn’t exist but I exist, that I could think now and it also be then and I sat there and focused on a moment in the past when me knowing would have made a difference in the way things would have turned out. I kept telling myself or trying to tell my past self the thing that would change everything, I did this for so long that night.

What was funny about this situation is that.. funny is not the right term.. odd about this situation is that as just after the paramedics left as I rushed to grab things to head to the hospital I inexplicably got the very thought I was trying to later send and I called 911 back to let them know what I suspected without knowing why I suspected this specific thing at the time (as a side note this thing was confirmed later by the hospital as being the cause). That aside when thinking, trying to send this thinking to myself to that moment in the past with me ingraining it into my mind time didn't really exist and that I should be me constantly throughout time all of a sudden things changed. My body straightened ridged and I saw a place so bright.. it was obnoxiously bright. Not the type of bright that made it so I had to squint a type of bright that obscured the details of things because my “eyes” were not adjusted. While looking in a peaceful awe It felt like I was told so much in feeling that I can only explain like someone in a foreign language of which I knew a few words frantically explained a lot of things to me then it was over I found myself in the dark and cooled over again. Between what the feeling "told me" experiencing the picture and warmth I ended up saying “Son of a bitch.” I didn’t know if I already knew the things that had happened has happened prior or if something new was explained to me but either way I felt in a way that had me voice aloud “Son of a bitch.” The warmth was interesting it wasn't hot per say; Have you ever been warmed over by love? The warmth was like that.

All I pulled from that experience was what I mentioned leaving me saying aloud to myself "Son of a bitch." I was in a miserable state until I had a dream some time after that among other things said my time on this earth was short and that put me in good sprits during the next two days of my waking moments. I felt clear again if that makes any sense, clearer than I have ever felt; It was if normally I constantly am processing so many things that don't matter but in those few days I let it go, leaving me feeling… as best as I can describe it "clear". During that time I had in the shower what felt like a spoken conversation with the departed.. but not with words. I would use words aloud and what I would get back was a feeling that I could intuitively interpret as clearly as English. Not words in my head but like a spoken conversation all the same. Like you when you get a feeling that tells you "This is a bad idea" or "Don't do it" or "Stay home." except for it was a conversation... Yes it occurred to me later that I was cracked but that aside it still felt like I had a conversation with them like any other.. a playfully serious argument at that. This moment helped me make sense of the previous moment I had when I saw the bright place and felt like someone was telling me too much too quick in a language that they thought I could understand but I could only catch a vague gist of it. I hesitated to tell anyone this…which I did for weeks but eventually told my brother who reacted to it rather stoically and my mother who asked me what I thought it meant. At first I told her as I told my brother that I attributed it to me cracking or maybe a seizure or something of that like but when thinking about it I said “It felt like someone was frantically telling me “Calm down, look! It’s ok!” and said way too much for me to understand at that point but essentially calm down.

Other things have happened and my existential research has deepened leaving me with a lot of possible answers (not specifically confined to these occurrences) but despite logical answers (answers of which I nor the people I consult with can find holes) they seemed to have led me deeper into the rabbit hole which has warped my perspective of everything. Like the backdrop of the play has been kicked down and I do not know what to make of what I'm looking at behind the scenes. That aside I post these first two things simply to ask if anyone has ever encountered anything similar? Despite me asking those close to me if I've lost it and they assuring me I have not I am left with so many experiences of which I know no one personally who have shared them and as such I can't help but feel detached and well quite a bit insane.I don't mean insane as in crazy but insane as in having a perspective alien to everyone else I know through my subjective experiences and perspectives built through logic and research, some of those experiences inexplicably verified externally and perspectives which has stood the test of those I trust to take apart my ideas and research given they see the holes.

Well that's it for now, thanks for reading.

reply to post by Strayed


I've had times where I've felt like I was God and that everything I see and everything I've known myself to previously be was just my creation. It wasn't like I was my human self, but like I was something that I didn't understand through my human self, but knew to be my true self. I became detached from my ego for a moment and was no longer a human, but a watcher of human things and things of this earth.

It wasn't like I was directly controlling the movements of the scenario, but more like I knew myself to be that which was. Through this knowledge, I understood that I'm here to enjoy being here as a human to enjoy seeing as only a human can. My purpose was to enjoy because on some deep, nearly untouchable, level, that was why I was creating the world- just for me and just for me to enjoy.

That may sound crazy, but maybe we are the universe having individualized experiences.

reply to post by Strayed

Despite me asking those close to me if I've lost it and they assuring me I have not I am left with so many experiences of which I know no one personally who have shared them and as such I can't help but feel detached and well quite a bit insane

You'll be fine Strayed. We both know that sanity is to a large degree a relative cultural norm. In it's present state, our world is undergoing a transformation from isolated cultures to a world with merged and evolved cultures. Insanity ain't what it used to be. And detached? Isn't that in some manner what the Buddha suggested we strive for? Detachment?

May I suggest not dwelling on these issues? The importance of them to your life may or may not be evident to you for years, decades even. As they come to you, as they may or may not, accept them and if you wish, evaluate them in their ability to assist you in your life going forward.

I have had similar experiences to those you describe and the 'sense' of them that you speak of is very familiar. For a time I pursued more of them and dug into the possible ramifications of them, but found that for myself that this approach led me into deeper holes of thought and action,which looking back on I know now has gotten me to a place where I can reply to a post like yours on an old computer which lags a split second after each letter I type. Am I better for it? I find it hard to know. Different than I would have been? Certainly.

Should you continue with existential speculation such as you have described in you post, I would like to offer a suggestion of balance. Mix your existentialism with sunshine, ocean views, swimming in rivers and tree climbing. Stay firm in your body. Walk while you think. What ever you do, do not end up skulking in coffee houses, wearing berets and smoking cigarette butts while reading Kerouac and Sartre.

reply to post by Strayed


First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. You are experiencing grief, possibly traumatic grief (depending on the circumstances,) and life in that state is very different from anything else you will ever experience. Things will improve, though it takes time.

Here is a thread I wrote in 2010, about four months after my wife died suddenly:

Your New Reality: How traumatic grief reshapes your world

You might see yourself in some of my observations, and if so, you might see yourself, three years from now, in me today.

smithjustinb
reply to post by Strayed

 

I've had times where I've felt like I was God and that everything I see and everything I've known myself to previously be was just my creation. It wasn't like I was my human self, but like I was something that I didn't understand through my human self, but knew to be my true self. I became detached from my ego for a moment and was no longer a human, but a watcher of human things and things of this earth.

It wasn't like I was directly controlling the movements of the scenario, but more like I knew myself to be that which was. Through this knowledge, I understood that I'm here to enjoy being here as a human to enjoy seeing as only a human can. My purpose was to enjoy because on some deep, nearly untouchable, level, that was why I was creating the world- just for me and just for me to enjoy.

That may sound crazy, but maybe we are the universe having individualized experiences.

edit on 3-12-2013 by smithjustinb because: (no reason given)

It doesn't really sound crazy depending on your definition of God and the universe. If you consider god to be a single sentient being while still being possible theoretically it becomes something of less probability I think but if you consider god a basic building block of everything then it would make sense to feel that way I guess. Just the same with the universe if you consider the universe everything within it then we are along with everything else certainly the universe and our consciousness enables us to know it in a certain way.

reply to post by Strayed

then we are along with everything else certainly the universe and our consciousness enables us to know it in a certain way.

Or, in certain ways.

reply to post by TerryMcGuire

TerryMcGuire
reply to post by Strayed

 

Despite me asking those close to me if I've lost it and they assuring me I have not I am left with so many experiences of which I know no one personally who have shared them and as such I can't help but feel detached and well quite a bit insane

You'll be fine Strayed. We both know that sanity is to a large degree a relative cultural norm. In it's present state, our world is undergoing a transformation from isolated cultures to a world with merged and evolved cultures. Insanity ain't what it used to be. And detached? Isn't that in some manner what the Buddha suggested we strive for? Detachment?

May I suggest not dwelling on these issues? The importance of them to your life may or may not be evident to you for years, decades even. As they come to you, as they may or may not, accept them and if you wish, evaluate them in their ability to assist you in your life going forward.

I have had similar experiences to those you describe and the 'sense' of them that you speak of is very familiar. For a time I pursued more of them and dug into the possible ramifications of them, but found that for myself that this approach led me into deeper holes of thought and action,which looking back on I know now has gotten me to a place where I can reply to a post like yours on an old computer which lags a split second after each letter I type. Am I better for it? I find it hard to know. Different than I would have been? Certainly.

Should you continue with existential speculation such as you have described in you post, I would like to offer a suggestion of balance. Mix your existentialism with sunshine, ocean views, swimming in rivers and tree climbing. Stay firm in your body. Walk while you think. What ever you do, do not end up skulking in coffee houses, wearing berets and smoking cigarette butts while reading Kerouac and Sartre.

Thank you, it is indeed I think a large degree of fitting within a narrow field of defined cultural norms. Depends on the Buddha, though I've never been a fan of the notion of "The Middle Way"; Though to be honest I've never thought of the Buddhist related concept of detachment as a means for the end of individuality so it gives me something to think on so thanks for that too.

In regard to not dwelling on them, it's great advice but my mind doesn't work that way unfortunately; It compulsively takes everything apart and tries to fit things together. Outside of topics on my fleetingly obsessive mind despite trying and excelling at many things I don't really care for much in this world (never have) as such it's difficult to find adequate distractions. Good potential answers regarding these things do seem to lead to more questions don't they? My research hasn't focused too much on my personal experiences as I haven't found much on them but in regard to existential research and speculation I'm lucky in that I worked to a point where I built and recorded a huge foundation of knowledge and logic regarding these things ultimately concluding with:

"Though all of this may sound dispassionate it doesn’t take a damn thing away from who the “we” that develops/forms are or the values we establish; We are still the people we are this simply proposes a possible explanation for the phenomenon of these things as I think I know it. We still have the same form/shape/connections Values... Passion… Love… Hate… Lust… the soul.

The best part of all of this is that though it all adds up it may still be incorrect! "

It left me in a place where my mind still questions but not to the obsessive state it did, a change in perspective like digging to a level deep underground and falling into a vast open cave if that makes sense.

I find your parting advice wonderful and a good way to pass time until death for sure, ha greatly superior to lurking in coffee houses as a smoke machine arguing and making friends with the dead through the remnants of their thoughts. That last part gave me a laugh, thanks for that too.

adjensen
reply to post by Strayed

 

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. You are experiencing grief, possibly traumatic grief (depending on the circumstances,) and life in that state is very different from anything else you will ever experience. Things will improve, though it takes time.

Here is a thread I wrote in 2010, about four months after my wife died suddenly:

Your New Reality: How traumatic grief reshapes your world

You might see yourself in some of my observations, and if so, you might see yourself, three years from now, in me today.

Thank you for the sentiment of your condolence and without a doubt friend, though it's something that has stained me in a way that won't wash off as I said it has more so focused my perspective on occurrences rather than built it as some things occurred prior but I just didn't care to dwell in them as I had no investment.

After reading your thread you have my condolences as well, while grief cannot be compared the nature of yours and mine are ostensibly similar.

Thank you very much for your reply.

TerryMcGuire
reply to post by Strayed

 

then we are along with everything else certainly the universe and our consciousness enables us to know it in a certain way.

Or, in certain ways.

Ha, yes that is better stated "certain way(s)".

I mentioned things occurring before the loss but have not mentioned any of them so here is one of the occurrences on the chance someone may be able to chime in regarding their perspective/knowledge of the phenomenon.

I drink when I am happy, or I would drink when I was happy. I would unwind with scotch, specifically Oban 14 year given the preference. One night while writing for a philosophy class if I remember correctly … I over did it. I casually easily drank 80% of the bottle and when I closed my eyes I saw the outline of a place in what looked like neon, when I opened my eyes despite knowing I was sitting in my living room I was also sitting elsewhere. I was sitting in what looked to be an Asian themed home with what looked to be rice paper doors open in front of me revealing a serene jungle scene. I was sitting in my living room but also when I opened my eyes couldn’t help but be in that other place. It was so much so that I was more planted in the other place than in my living room. What I saw was every bit as real as what I see at any other sober waking moment. I honestly thought I drunk so much I killed myself and it worried me, I took myself to the bathroom thinking about throwing up the alcohol despite not feeling sick where I stayed for a time debating it still seeing the other place having to focus very hard to see my home. Eventually I decided against throwing up as I could never stand throwing up and dragged myself to bed where I laid and went to sleep hoping I would not pass of drinking so much in merriment/folly.

I thought it was strange but dismissed it at the time. Months later when my life took a turn for the worse my sister insisted I see a medium (I have never seen one prior nor cared to and wasn't expecting much). She took me during a time where I was very much dead to the world and I didn't care to even put a mask of a person on so I didn't say anything pretty much the entire time. I didn't expect much but as far as I know without the possibility of having any knowledge of me she nailed some things regarding my life/experiences that I think most would consider pretty esoteric one of which was saying I could do things which didn't interest me until she described exactly what I experienced that night in being in my living room but also just as real as in my living room was what seemed like being physically elsewhere as well. I did my own research regarding it and have linked it to other possible recorded phenomenon through different cultures/times and kept the possibility in mind that I may have simply messed my self up with too much alcohol but I have never encountered online or otherwise anyone who has had a similar experience. So there is another one as I said in hopes maybe someone may be able to chime in regarding their perspective/knowledge of the phenomenon.

reply to post by Strayed

The best part of all of this is that though it all adds up it may still be incorrect! "

What a gem that was to find.
Like you, I coordinated a vast collection of information, doing what I could to turn it into cogent knowledge. I built edifices and still there was more information to add more bricks.

I know about how that inquisitive mind spins. Like a turkey in a yard of grain, gobbling and gobbling until all the grain has been found. What a relief it was for me to ease off of that trajectory. It took old age and the realization that more was flowing out the back than was coming in the front. Then I came here to ATS and found so many folk here engaged in "adding it all up" and arriving at actionable conclusions which in comparison to my edifices were way around the corner. And so many are convinced.

I am of a mind that adding it all up my be the auspices of our higher selves to which hopefully we will find ourselves glad for. Now that I am much closer to the end than to the beginning of this mortal visit I mostly do as I suggested earlier except I no longer climb trees.

reply to post by TerryMcGuire

TerryMcGuire
reply to post by Strayed

 

The best part of all of this is that though it all adds up it may still be incorrect! "

What a gem that was to find.
Like you, I coordinated a vast collection of information, doing what I could to turn it into cogent knowledge. I built edifices and still there was more information to add more bricks.

I know about how that inquisitive mind spins. Like a turkey in a yard of grain, gobbling and gobbling until all the grain has been found. What a relief it was for me to ease off of that trajectory. It took old age and the realization that more was flowing out the back than was coming in the front. Then I came here to ATS and found so many folk here engaged in "adding it all up" and arriving at actionable conclusions which in comparison to my edifices were way around the corner. And so many are convinced.

I am of a mind that adding it all up my be the auspices of our higher selves to which hopefully we will find ourselves glad for. Now that I am much closer to the end than to the beginning of this mortal visit I mostly do as I suggested earlier except I no longer climb trees.

It oddly was, it provided me with no real end but gave me a perspective that stopped what felt like my mind from obsessively burning out about the inherent nature of existence or something like that.

You're the first person I've encountered personally that I know of who went after understanding the nature of it all in an apparently similar way; Most people I've spoken to about my research seem to get… well they contemplate but can't seem to process it in a way to act as a good sounding board… When it's over they just kind of walk off like I filled their head with too much or like it's disorienting.

I created an account here on ATS just recently in hopes of finding people who might have encountered the odd occurrences I had first hand experienced or at least find people who maybe had knowledge or perspective of something like them but I apparently so far have not had much luck. It is however a nice unexpected surprIse to find someone who went about taking the other things not specifically related to the personal experiences (everything else) apart in the way I did/do, It's a nice unexpected find; Thanks for that.