Moral Dilemma about Keeping my Mouth Shut

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


If you were in the exact situation as she is, and she was in your shoes, what would you want her to do?

reply to post by ImaFungi


Well, I've decided if I say anything it will be when both are present. I just don't think it would be fair to go behind the boyfriends back - as what I know is second hand.

I'll likely lose her friendship as her boyfriend backpedals out of it. Whether it is true or a falsehood. So if I do say anything, I might as well have the courage to say it to his face, along with why I don't want him around me or my family again. The only time we see him is when Leah comes over. So if I tell them both why I don't want him around me, she may get very mad at me.

This situation reaffirms why I like solitude and a reclusive lifestyle.

CdT

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


To me that is a weird way of going about it. If she is your friend, why not tell her exactly what you heard, and what happened, and tell her, as her friend you were compelled to tell her the truth, say it was a dilemma but you thought it was the right thing to do, tell her it is an unproven rumor, tell her who told you. Why wouldnt you do that, ask her if she thinks you did the right thing in telling her what you tell her, because you were nervous it would ruin relationships between you and her, but you are an innocent bystander and just want to do the right thing.

Also it could be that the guy and girl he was with are just friends for real, but I would wonder if leah knows that he hangs with girls at all even on friends level when shes not around and if shes cool with it.

Bottom line, if my girlfriend was cheating on me I would want to know, if even a stranger told me...but certainly if my friend knew something about it, i would expect them to notify me.

reply to post by ImaFungi


I don't like the whole situation. I don't really know what to do. However, I have decided I don't want to have the guy around me or my drop dead gorgeous 15 year old daughter. He's a 32 year old guy hanging with a 19 year old girl when his girlfriend was out of town. Huge red flag for a Mama bear like me. Leah is going to want to know why if she comes over, why I don't want her babies father along for a visit. No matter what way I approach it, I don't see it ending well regardless. Because like it or not, she is tied to this guy until their child is 18.

I don't have any experience in this sort of thing. Which is why I brought it up for some advice and opinions by uninvovled, disinterested parties. I'm still swinging between keeping my mouth shut and saying something. But if I say something, it seems to me more honorable and less like spreading gossip if I level the charge directly to the guy I'm accusing.

The more I think about it, over-analyze it - the more I'm left not knowing what the heck to do!

CdT

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


Yea but if leah finds out you approached the guy before her, then its a bad on your part... Do you have any way of contacting this guy privately, tell him everything you wrote in the OP, and ask him what he thinks you should do, and what he thinks he should do?

Any way interesting little drama ya got going on, keep the thread posted as the story progresses if you will.

It's harder because of you not having witnessed it personally.

A long time ago, one of my best friends from high school got married, right out of school. She and her husband and I were very close, and I spent half my time at their house. His mother was rich and he didn't work, and they went through various phases including one where they played poker for a living (seriously). Her husband liked to drink on weekends and one day made a huge pass at me. I didn't take it seriously, he'd been drinking and they'd been arguing, and I told him to get his # together and knock it off. I didn't tell her, why would I, first it would mean that my friendship with her was at an end because she was never away from him, and second it would mess up their relationship which I didn't want to do. I figured he was just not thinking clearly and I'd let it slide.

About a year later, he made another major pass at me, sober this time. I told him I would never do that to a friend, a friend I'd take a bullet for no less, that he was a jerk for even asking not only because of her but because of me, and that for him even to consider must mean he thought she was stupid or something, so WTH was he thinking? I was so mad and he apologized for it and I thought that was the end of it. I mean, I was close to them, so I assumed it was simply that I was there and we were close, and I didn't take it to mean this was his nature globally or anything, just that sometimes familiarity breeds problems with boundaries.

Years later, just before their 10th anniversary, one day out of the blue (literally) he told her that you know, he really kinda hated her now, and was leaving, and oh by the way, he'd been having a relationship with one of her best friends from college for some time now. To say she was blindsided was an understatement. She was devastated. It nearly wrecked her utterly, health-wise. Three months later he returned and said sorry, what was he thinking. She took him back. Another three months later he said, well you know when I told you I didn't want kids all these years, turns out she's pregnant and I've changed my mind, I'm going back to her. And that was that.

I'm pretty sure the reason I'm not in prison for killing him is that I was half a continent away and didn't find out until six months later.

And for years now, I've felt guilty. What if I'd told her? Would she have been more savvy to the risk, to the probability, if she'd known he tried something with her good friend - twice? Is it possible that she let him spend a lot more time with her friend because she never dreamed such a thing was a risk? Is it possible that in my not wanting to hurt her, and hurt their relationship, and hurt the one between she and I as well, that I just set her up for being a lot more blindsided by his behavior later?

I don't know what the right thing to do was, even now.

As for your friend's vacation, maybe he was just kind of getting something out of his system. I think sometimes people feel a little bit constrained, and they go a little crazy when they suddenly feel temporarily free, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't want their relationship anymore. On the other hand, if he was genuinely lying about it during the event, and going *in public* with another woman -- that seems like a really bad indicator to me...

dimithae
reply to post by OrphanApology

 

Having been on the receiving end of that once (years ago when I was in my 20s), I can relate and tell you what happened with me.

I had a bf that had been a real winner, I noticed that he wasn't showing up to pick me up on time for dates and such.He always had some excuse or other.This went on for about 2 weeks and one of my gfs called me one morning.She told me that another mutual gf of ours had been out the night before and seen my bf with this other girl. She just didn't have the heart to tell me about it.She told my other gf instead and that one I had been friends with for years and years and she knew me well.She told her "knowing Dimi,I know that she would want to know about this and not be played for a fool, I don't care how much she cries about it I'm letting her know". And she did. She asked if I was ok and I told her "oh I'm fine, the question is how well is my bf going to be"?

I got dressed and headed out the door, my father stopped and asked me where I was going, so I told him I was going to kick my EX-bfs rear end off. He told me to get in the car and he would take me there. I walked in where he was living at the time and threw him all over the room and told him I would get the money back he owed me by selling his bike he had abandoned in my back yard.He tried to make some feeble threat and I tossed him around a bit more,then left.Went back home and sold the bike.He came crawling back about 9 months later wanting to be forgiven and taken back, I told him NO, take a long walk off a short pier little boy.

So I guess the moral to the story is this, should you tell your gf? It depends, I know your hubby wants you to stay out of it.But what man doesn't? They wouldn't want your gfs telling on them if they saw any hanky panky either.Just saying. What you need to base your decision on is how well you know your gf and really think about if she would want you to be the one to tell her all this or not.That should pretty well make up your mind for you. Good luck.

^^ I agree with this response

Thanks, I haven't said anything. She found out she was pregnant and the very next time we spoke I found out. I was shocked and well - how can you temper the joy of a child with something like that?

The friend, mutual friend we haven't heard from when soon after this I put a stop to his gossiping about other people. He hasn't by since when I jumped down his throat for talking crap about other people. It wasn't in relation to this incident, but another person he knows.

I don't miss him.

CdT

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


you need to mind your own business, you really do.

reply to post by AthlonSavage


Yes I agree.

It's the position I've decided to take. Keep my mouth shut!

CdT

dimithae

I walked in where he was living at the time and threw him all over the room and told him I would get the money back he owed me by selling his bike he had abandoned in my back yard.He tried to make some feeble threat and I tossed him around a bit more,then left.Went back home and sold the bike.

You must be female, of course, since if you were a man you'd likely go to jail for that...

reply to post by CirqueDeTruth


I understand your dilemma. I was actually in a similar situation when I was much much younger. I was friends with a married couple, where the wife bragged to me about how she had cheated on her husband. I got details on the situation I wouldn't of known otherwise. It ate at my conscious that he (the husband) didn't know this, and eventually confessed what she told me to the husband. It caused far more drama in my life than I needed, and in the end damaged my friendship with both wife and husband. And I had proof of the encounters, and later she admitted it to her husband.

I wouldn't go to your friend with hearsay. If proof caused drama, think of what hearsay would do!!! Your husband is right and it's best to stay out of it, but if you feel the need to interfere, there is one way to do it, with out the drama. When your friend complains about the strange behavior, I would suggest that she bring it up with her boyfriend. Tell her that he might be able to help with figuring it all out. That way you aren't really passing on hearsay, and you are pointing her in the right direction to finding out the truth.

I wish you the best of luck.