Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

Hi guys, I'm of course sad but in need of a rant as well, I think. I would like some feedback relevant to what I am about to reveal....advice and such. Please be kind...I'm feeling so off kilter from all this.

Hubby and I are both in various stages of ill health...but we are still alive and kickin as much as possible whenever possible. However, our family is what causes us considerable confusion and unhappiness. Heres the deal...we try and stay as independant as possible. We try and do eveything we can on our own. What few times we are both not well, if we ever do need a ride to docs or to pick up a few store items, we always get excuses from family and end up having to make do on our own. They rarely visit. We love the entire family but are disheartened.

We have never been the bossy types or pesky or nosey as to our kids lives...we mind our own business and don't nag or lecture or call on phones...we don't like phones much. We don't interfere in their affairs. Yet, we have always helped them with money problems, given emotional support when needed, bought them their first flat screen tvs and given them furniture and tools when we had to down size from big home/property to smaller arrangements because we could no longer up keep because of health issues. They aren't the type that would help with the lawn once in a while or take us to the store or whatnot. We didn't give them things to expect heavy strings attached but just a small amount of help and kindness simply because they are family would have been nice. Yet, zilch.

I feel like hubby and I have been very generous and loving and good hearted to family. They never had to fear us or be annoyed by us. Even bail money was provided when needed. We are very thoughtful and cannot understand what ever happened to the "thoughtfulness gene" relevant to the rest of the family?

Now, they are demanding copies of our wills, want keys to our house....telling us if we are ever in a coma, they will smother us to help end our misery. We have always wanted to be buried in one piece but they are claiming to want to cremate us both. My daughter is a junkie so we made grandson executor of our will before he married. His wife is the one with the smothering/cremation plans so we plan to see the jag attorneys at the AFB and change wills. Grandson was addict and convicted felon but seemed to straighten up with good job now and 2 kids but nutty wife so.....what to do. Hubby has always believed grandson hasn't changed as much as I believe or else he wouldn't be with the style wife he is with...I don't know what to think anymore. So dissappointed. Are we wrong to change stuff. With no family to rely on/trust, who can be executor if we both passed at once? I'm sure the jag can tell us...just wondering...would it be wrong to leave our small money insurance amount to charity or some such? I hate that things are as they are and very sad. Thanx for listening. Hubby and I are in charge of wills for each other if we go separately and that is good...the thing that worries me if we went in a wreck at once....then the family would be in charge and I don't like their ideas/plans. I'm not looking for legal advice here...more emotional ideas/support/opinions.

PS-Hubby and I have been good people, I think....no criminal records. not even traffic tickets. good hearted, fun natured, kind, generous, hard working...not junkies or drunks...what happened? We both came from horrible childhoods...did some bad genes skip a generation or what. We just can't figure it out. We would never say and do the things our younger family has done and we sure would never be like our horrible, scary psycho parents...so, what happened.?

Your parents are a bit nuts, sorry - are you in a position to stand up to them if you need to? Just tell them you won't give them the keys. Or the will copies. Those are private.

reply to post by shrevegal


Dear shrevegal,

Hello friend. See an attorney. Your children are not entitled to what you have made in your life, they have benefited from what you have provided them. See an attorney.

reply to post by darkbake


Hi darkbake, thanx for stopping by. Yep, a nutty bunch for sure. It is our kids and grandkids that are doing all that was mentioned...wanting the wills/keys. etc. Hubbies parents and mine were actual psychopaths so you didn't get that wrong tho. I saw my parents actually murder my grams when I was a child so yep, our parents were no prizes either.

The weird dealy to me is...hubby and I aren't nuts yet our parents were and our kids/grandkids seem to be? Hubby had plenty of psych tests at VA and passed and I had to have lots of psych evaluations to become a nurse and I passed and was actually told I was the best nurse they ever had relevant to helping psych patients so I've always been relatively sure he and I aren't the goof balls so I can't understand what happened. Do things like that/bad genes and mental probs skip generations some times. I wonder. We are going to stand up for ourselves and rectify the situation this week with legal help from the Military which we are entitled to for free. Thanx again for saying hi and I appreciate that you took the time to talk to me. That was kind. Blessings and regards and best wishes to you darkbake

reply to post by darkbake


Did you read the OP? I believe they are talking about their grown kids.

OP, I know it's little consolation to say that there are others in your situation, but there are many more than you think. Once upon a time we used to take care of our aging parents, but nowadays those kinds of offspring are becoming fewer and fewer. I have no legal expertise. I would look up such things as power of attorney where you live and as well a living will. Your children do not have to be the executors of the estate. Maybe you have some good friends who could do the job instead? Or even consider a public trust (?)

If you do not want your children making decisions for you, then examine your documents to see who you've listed as nest of kin etc., to be notified in case of accident. Such things as a drivers license and hospital or drug card is what I'm thinking about. I say this because I rode an ambulance into the ER a few years ago and without my knowledge the hospital alerted my kids of my admission. Hope this helps. All the best.

reply to post by shrevegal

I sure hope there can be a solution.Don't forget that a child is the product of the parent.We go through turmoil constantly on a regular basis.

reply to post by AQuestion

Thank you AQuestion for stopping by. I appreciate you cared to help and comment. You are absolutely correct. Hubby and I plan to see the attorneys at the Air Force Base jag office as he is a 100% disabled vet and is entitled to free legal advice. Our original wills were drawn up there and I am sure they can re-write/change all that is necessary. We already had our living wills done there...with DNR's written in. They are very kind and considerate and efficient there....it is hubby and I that perhaps did not think things thru...being guided too much by emotion at the time and less on common sense. Thanx again and regards and good wishes.

reply to post by shrevegal

Wow I am sorry this is happening to you and your husband...I bet your hearts are breaking. The first thought that popped into my head after reading your rant is...Maybe its time that you and hubby started spending thier inheritence money on your selves...Not only would this be poetic justice but it might even have a great effect on your mental and physical health. A nice vacation would be a good thing for the both of you, somewhere pretty and relaxing, and perhaps some new clothes to make you feel better about yourself, and hey how about going out to eat more often, Vegas can be a good time...point is who says you have to leave your children anything anyways??? Hope ya feel better get some rest watch something funny on the Telly, bake some brownies or just get a big hug from hubby...do not allow this to rent space in your head...go out and live a little...

reply to post by SarnholeOntarable


You are so right. I spend many a sleepless night wondering what we may have done wrong that caused such a sad family situation. I beat myself up about it a lot. Unlike myself, my one and only child/daughter never had to live in fear of beatings/torture/abuse/physical/mental/sexual...like I did. Perhaps I over compensated? I always made sure she did chores/not overly spoiled. Disciplined yet loved. I remember I used to make ornaments with her every Xmas to deliver to nursing homes to teach her to love and care for others...it didn't stick. Once she was 14, she became...? My fault? I don't know.

Her dad was a soldier so I was both mother/father to her. Did my best. Hugged her and told her i loved her...never locked her in closets til unconscious like i was...never put cigarettes out in the palm of her hand like i had done to me...kissed her hand instead. Loved her and cherished her...same with the grandkids....it is in my nature to be loving and kind...most of my posts here reflect that. Is it my fault? I pray not. That means my entire life has been for naught. I would never hurt any one or any child just because I was hurt badly. Yet, it must be my fault somehow....when I read your comment, it made me think relevant to that. There must have been something wrong in me or "they" wouldn't be as they are.

You mentioned they were addicts, well there is your problem. It doesn't matter what you do. As the child of a drug addict i learned the hard way that no matter what you do if drugs are involved that is the only thing the addict cares about.
You sound like lovely people who deserve better than the treatment you have received.I wouldn't do a darn thing for them. Change your will and find someone or or some organization you find deserving.

Edit: It doesn't sound like you are at fault at all, it sounds like you were a wonderful parent and completely undeserving of this.

reply to post by shrevegal

Ive never encountered a family situation in my life that wasn't caused by both parties even in some small way, you paint the picture of a perfect life you tried to provide for your family. Which very well may be how you see it, but maybe your kids did not get the same take out of the situation as you suggest.

Ill use an example from my life, I currently am taking care of my father, he is living with me now. In his advanced years he has taken to romanticizes my childhood and his experience as my father, If anyone went by his view of what that was like they would have no clue what it was really like.

Yet the same can be said for me, my side of the story is more bleak and not as sunny as he remembers it, same with my two brothers each having their own take on it based off their own experiences. For my Eldest Brother, first born, He got the "Golden child" upbringing, being the first born boy, My youngest got the "baby" experience. Myself the typical middle child to a T, with a mild helping of good whooping every now and than my brothers did not get.

My point being you maybe too near the situation to see it clearly, there could be a cause for the underlining tension between you and your children that you don't know.

Keep in mind your children are reflections of you, You raised them, you played a huge role in their lives. What ever the root causes of the situation you find your self in, it is important for everyone involved they get resolved, perhaps get a counselor involved, if religious clergy perhaps.

Try to work the situation out amicably with them, voice your concerns and fears, Do all you can to mend the relationships.

If after you've done your best and still no resolution to their behavior, well there are plenty of good charities out there that could use a donation.

reply to post by aboutface


Hi aboutface, I was pleased to hear from you and read what you mentioned. We plan to get the legal situation settled soon. Because of so many moves because of prior military affiliations, we do not have much of a support group relevant to friends at this stage in our life...most have died, moved, divorced and such. We are pushing 80 so not many folks we know left. All our siblings and other older relatives have passed on....so we will have to plan our new wills and such differently. We aren't rich anyhow so we don't have lots but can leave to charities i suppose. My main worry is if we pass together. If it is only one, then of course, the other of us is in charge and no one can mess with things. If we both pass together is where the worry comes in...we want burial a certain way and such....not what others may want.

If I survive my husband, I do plan on perhaps moving out of state and living my life free of the family stresses and having a better time of it hopefully. Thanx so much for you kindness and helpful reply. Hugs.

There must have been something wrong in me or "they" wouldn't be as they are.

reply to post by shrevegal



Absolutely untrue...It sounds as if you were a wonderful parent but there are so many other factors at play...like peer pressure, society, media...etc. You are doing the old mother guilt thing. I am a mother and grandma too so I can empathize with you, but please do not fall into that age old trap, guilt can cause you to be physically ill. Let go and hold your head up!!!

reply to post by shrevegal


A place full of believers of aliens and conspiratists is not the place to seek counseling for this type of family problem. Go and see some people who can actually help you, guide you and who are physical people, not anonymous ATS unknowns.

reply to post by Mugen


Mugen, If I remember correctly, I insulted you by using the word "hubby" instead of husband in my post. I am very sorry to have hurted you or offended you in any way. I will try and be more mindful of that in future postings. I never really thought of it that way...how you put it...it may be demeaning and I am so sorry. I never meant it that way, Please accept my apologies. I'm sure you are a very nice person and I am sorry to have been so remiss in my wording. Blessings, hugs, and best regards and thank you for calling me on it. ^j^ Thanx for calling me out on it. I understand. You are correct.

reply to post by shells4u

shells4u, Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will surely take to heart what you have suggested and I love you for the caring and kind and useful comments you made to me. You have helped me a lot with ideas and with your support and understanding and caring and that is what I was needing so badly. I have MS and tend to get down a
little when too stressed and you lifted me right back up. I will try and have more fun in life when possible. Husband is terminal so we have to take it slow but will do. Hugs, Love.

reply to post by MadMax7
I do not think the OP was seeking counseling but rather a safe place to rant...hence why it is in the rant forum. I have seen countless rants about everything from A-Z. A good rant relieves stress and there is absolutely nothing wrong with ATS members to give another member encouragement, compassion and advise. At least that is how I take it...But yes we are not professional counselors, just humans trying to help a little bit...

reply to post by calstorm


Thank you calstorm, I can't hardly express to you how much I love the person that is you for your caring and understanding and kindness. You DO understand! Bless you! I cried when I read what you said...about the addict dealy....the addict has to eventually help themselves also...others can't do it all. Thanx and hugs and love.