Finally! Worthwhile Threat Level Designations

Dear ATSers, this is completely stolen. But I needed the smiles.

I got this joke from an English friend. I’m a bit leery about posting politically incorrect humor, but it is funny and I don’t think I can get in too much trouble for jokes about Europeans.

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

danieljmitchell.wordpress.com...

What would they be for Canada, the US, Iran, and Russia, I wonder.

reply to post by charles1952
Funny.
When you got to the Scots I could even hear the accent/

Now that was funny!

reply to post by charles1952


Thanks for the laugh.

What would they be for Canada, the US, Iran, and Russia, I wonder.

How about for the US, attack and then... attack some more.

Russia's.

1 Pass the Vodka, da!

2. Get more Vodka!

3. Let Russian winter freeze enemy balls.

4. Lots of Vodka, All Russians Attack and Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate. (Dalek Voice)

P

reply to post by intrptr


Sorry, you are missing the first three steps.
Bribe / buy. (ssshhhh)
Send in the CIA . (secret ssshhhh)
Sanctions. (Loudly announced)

Originally posted by pheonix358


4. Lots of Vodka, All Russians Attack and Exterminate, Exterminate, Exterminate. (Dalek Voice)

Classic.

"Boldly springing into action", (One of the best tracks ever from "Billy the Mountain" - Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention - Listen to it, have a drink, and let the spluging begin!) Congress, in a fit of pique, decrees that the State Department, led from behind by H.R. Clinton, shall from henceforth be the agency that will set the conditions of angst, since our state department seems to have they're hands on the pulse of basically, themselves! ( they do tend to ge' a wee bit faint, ya kin?) The conditions and details, dictated but not read, (Sound familiar?) as follows:

1. Condition One - Code Word "Throbbin" Compartment - "Johns"
Denotes the way the world would be feeling, like you did after that ubber-hideous clam-bake @ John Kerry's
Tax Haven, er Boat Basin (in a coarse whisper - "Did I say that out loud? - Sound Famliar-er!) and you ralphed all over you brand new 'Retro-Keds'.

2. Condition X-ray Code Word "Frisky" Compartment - "Puppy"
Denotes the way the world would be feeling like when you know, they made you wait in the hallway at the Crawford Ranch, when you where just a "paper pusher" in the document library, Ugh! Remember? George's
stinking hunting dogs chewed holes through the bumpers on you two year old 'gently used' Prius! You were 'Nippy" and "Pouting" that whole afternoon, must of been at least 2 hours!

3. Condition Verp - Code Word - Vomit - Compartment - "Sheen"
Denotes the way the world would feel if it were like that time Uncle Tip and Uncle Teddy asked you to go deep sea fishing, in August, with no wind, no clouds, and a 3 foot swell, and a projected temp of 98 degrees. But when you get to the dock you find out they only need you to 'chum'. By the time you returned to the dock, you feel like you've been puking blood since Davey Jones was a Seaman 1st. You understand something 'vile' has transpired when the bomb sniffing dogs won't get more than 30 feet from you, and that's on the UPWIND side. By the time you get back to Uncle Tip's house, you are drifting through periods of dementia with lucid periods that let you feel the sensation of ten feral housecats sharpening they're claws on your digestive tract. As your bed completes it's first couple of revolutions you drift further into the blessed arms of death, you hope. Morning. You eyelids are on fire. You remember Uncle Teddy putting up the blinds on your window, giggling the whole time. You can hear the footsteps fading down the hallway of your mind. It's your self preservation heading down to the pub for a wee dram. Which means, you are utterly stunned when you open your eyes. The Sun is bright, and it BURNS!
The radiation coursing through you retina feels like someone stabbed you in both eyes with an ice pick, and then poured in a hefty serving of molten boron! You are sure your mouth tastes at least as bad as the bottom scummy layer in the grease dumpster at the waffle house on the corner. On a day like yesterday no less. You think your gonna be ok, but you sit up. So you think, this is what it feels like when pain installs a turbo sold by a company called AGONY! Your journey to the dark side is now complete. You are now Darth Stihl, Chainsaw Proctologist.

Note to the world - when the USA sets Condition Verp, phone it in that day! Because, Nukes are number one on the remedies list, and we promise you'll get them in 30 minutes or less, or the next thermo-nuclear gift basket is free! The state department hopes that by telling our enemies how we are doing that day, they will have a better understanding of what we think the should know about us. In this case, a healthy knowledge of the process of Nuclear Fission would help. A compassionate offer of a magnum bottle of ice cold Pepto might just keep our finger of the button that day. As Darth Stihl heads down stairs for that first cup of java, he begins to take twisted pleasure in the fantasy of his Mom beating Uncle Tip mercilessly with a piece of re-bar. At just that moment, the rabid squirrels begin gnawing a door into the attic of your brain, and you reach a new level of pissed off at the Death guy who never showed up, no matter how hard you begged!

reply to post by CarbonBase

Dear CarbonBase,

That was impressive. I've read it several times, and got more from it each time. (I have to admit, the first time through I didn't get very much.) This may even make it to bedside reading.

With respect,
Charles1952