Living with it, Moving on...

Hi ATS! I've been away for a long while - I don't know if I will continue to post regularly, but I definitely frequent the site regularly.

Anyway, I figured that I would come back and tell you all the story of my ex. I am going to warn you, this gets kind of long. Skip down to "Here's the kicker" for the main beef.

Last April I was with my ex for four and a half years. She was always interested in traveling and foreign languages. In her last year of high school she took Russian and French classes, not to mention taking a school trip to Europe for a few weeks. I was proud of her. Well, last April I was working full time with no option of vacation or the means to pay both of our ways - but she said her friend was taking a trip to London and offered to take her along under the condition that she paid for the plane ticket.

I coughed up 600 for her, and really thought nothing else of it. Her friend is pretty rich and definitely nice enough to perhaps invite a friend on a trip like this. Moreover, I was just getting my trust in a good place (I have had a terrible history with women cheating on me) so I really just told myself it would be fine. She was going to be over there until the very first of August. I missed her the whole time. She was a little controlling at times. So I was happy to have a bit of time to myself - Ultimately though I was happy to see her when she got back.

The short time passed that she was gone. I drove forty miles to the airport to pick her up that night. I was looking for her at the terminal...Found her!

--You know, after being gone all that time I kind of expected one of those dramatic running/hugging/kissing kind of moments. I mean, I was happy to see her.--

I walked up to her with a smile on my face...She couldn't even look at me. I said hi, I love you, I missed you, blah blah. All she could talk about was how tired she was from the flight. Now I understand that trips overseas by jet can really take it out of you...but I also thought after being away from someone you love for so long, you might be a little more inclined to hug or kiss them. Even just say 'I love you'.

I took her home that night. The next couple weeks were rough. I worked a lot of overtime which left me little time with her. I mean, 12 hour shifts on a crappy schedule...Ok, maybe I was a little lazy. Maybe I could've passed up a few extra hours of sleep to hang out with her. She didn't mention anything being a problem though. So I thought nothing of it.

I was at home when she texted me saying 'hey, have you ever thought about taking a break?' The first thing I said was 'Are you seeing someone else?' She said yeah. I won't lie, I kind of lost it. I spent the last (nearly) 5 years with the girl. When I first met her she couldn't stand to be away from me for a couple minutes.



Here's the kicker. I know that break ups and crap happen all the time. I am actually pretty ok with it now. I stopped talking to her altogether. She actually had quite a nasty habit of being a bitch at times around myself and my family. Ultimately, it was truly a good thing that she decided to burden someone else rather than me.

The reason she left me? She met a guy overseas in London. He was going to college over there, but he's Pakistani. He is now currently living in Pakistan. She's finishing school over here from what I can tell and she wants to convert to the Muslim faith and that's that. Her official story is that she met him on the metro over there and the rest is "history".

So what do you think ATS? To me it was devastating at first. Naturally I was destroyed. Now, I'm better, but I will still never be the person I was before. Any opinions, feedback, or other thoughts are more than welcome! Note that I also said that I am ok with the whole thing. I'm feeling a lot better, I mean it's been a year almost since she left me, alas there is still some grief that I am feeling...but that's my story.

reply to post by philosearcher


Sounds to me like she was the high maintenance type, too...? Perhaps you're well rid of her.

There are some nice girls out there who are cheap to run...( !!! )

All the best for your future relationships.....

Ever hear that old Buddhist poem by Linji?

"If you meet the Buddha, kill him."

Now why would a Buddhist kill their own great teacher if they should meet him? Because we have a tendency to place unnatural expectations on people and things. It is through our preconceptions that delusions are formed. We must learn to let go of our preconceptions before they turn into delusions and bite us in the rear end.

It works the same way with someone we love dearly. They say, "If you love someone, you'll let them go." Like a caged bird. A caged bird cannot be happy, because it should be out flying with other birds in the sky. We cannot truly be happy with that situation, if we should think about it, because we're keeping a bird locked up in a cage where it doesn't belong. We lock a bird in a cage so it won't leave us.

If you love someone, truly love someone, you must learn to let go. If they love you, they will always return. If they don't, then they never really loved you. But that's okay, because you'll find someone who will fly back to you.

reply to post by philosearcher


Keep strong my friend.
Love is a bitch, i can tell you that. I have not had the best luck either (All the girls I went out with managed to cheat on me or just leave me for someone else) It is depressing at times, but well what can we do, at least we find out then later on in our lifes. Sometimes now is better than later.

I assume that you are of a young age, so you got plenty of time to find someone and settle with. The way I see it is this, you are a better man for letting her go without having a go at her or doing something worse.
Think of it this way, karma. She probably will know one day the mistake she made.
Whatever you do, do not let her run back, I know it is tempting, but mentally you are letting her win and let her see that you are a weak man.

Either way, I'll stop blabing on. I hope everything goes right!
I'm sure the ATS community will be here to lend a helping hand and give you a pat on the shoulder during those tough times.

reply to post by philosearcher


Good for you for trying to find the positive side of things!

As for the "I met him on the metro and the rest is history" you sound skeptical about that. So am I. I think it's more likely they met online and she planned the trip to meet him in person.

You're well rid of her.

Its amazing how easy now days it is for people to toss relationships without working hard on what got you there in the first place.
Never lose your trust. Keep it tight and wait for the one that will know where to find it and how to get it.

The hardest part is over, you've moved on now you gotta move on up. Play it like this home boy

reply to post by MrJohnSmith


Yes, high maintenance explains it pretty well. I can't complain - I agreed to it most of the time. As long as I had the means to provide her with what she want, and I wasn't ripping my scalp off in unhappiness...I felt like it was okay. Of course in retrospect...I was a moron. I might actually be happy if I could find a humble girl. Finally, thank you...I think I could use the luck.


reply to post by FollowTheWhiteRabbit


That is a very beautiful concept in itself. Not the whole killing thing, of course. Letting someone you love go and if they come back, they truly love you. It is encouraging in a way; however, I can't see bringing her back at least anytime soon. Thank you though for sharing that idea.


reply to post by hellzdoms


Thank you. Love is most certainly a bitch. To date, I actually cannot share a single time when love really felt true. Call me a hopeless romantic or whatever, but it's been highly disappointing. I am 24, so I'm young but not really all that young anymore. Then again, I shouldn't say anything. I always tell my parents (who are in their upper 50's) that they are not old. Especially on a galactic timescale. So, you're right...I'm not old. None of us really are. But seriously, thank you for your encouraging words.


reply to post by Ameilia


That's what I thought too. You don't just love someone in a metro unless you're really desperate for love, money, or both. Thank you for the reassurance...For the most part I feel like that is the case.


reply to post by UnstableDucky


Never losing trust is difficult. I need to keep my head straight to maintain what trust I thought I had in the world. You're entirely right...People will never hesitate to just start over. Throw everything you had on a pile, spill gas on it, and drop a match...I think that's why we see so many more divorces now a days too. It really is a shame.


reply to post by zonetripper2065


This song and video...Perfect! Especially recently (not really even speaking of my break up) I've been pretty down on life. This video brought a smile to my face. Thanks! Now I'm off to download the song. I'll make it my theme song for picking up the pieces. Again, for everything going on. Thank you.

reply to post by philosearcher


At least you weren't married with children. When a door closes open a window. Someone'll crawl thru it.

reply to post by philosearcher

She's finishing school over here from what I can tell and she wants to convert to the Muslim faith and that's that. Her official story is that she met him on the metro over there and the rest is "history".

So what do you think ATS?

a) She's wack-a-do....you're lucky to have dodged this bullet.

b) She's going to really hate being a woman in a muslim society.

c) Not long after, she's going to ditch that whole mistake and start looking up her exes.

d) Do yourself a favor and NOT respond when she does. Revisit this thread when it happens, to remind yourself.

Originally posted by Gazrok


d) Do yourself a favor and NOT respond when she does. Revisit this thread when it happens, to remind yourself.

Well, he could be cornered at a bar or someplace where the girl knows where he hangs out. In those cases, I have always replied that I would just prefer to be "friends" (without the benifits). That usually will be the end of that.

Nothing like their own medicine shoved down their throat.

reply to post by TDawgRex


She'll still probably be stuck in Pakistan, wanting him to fly her home! (when she reaches out).... She needs to really know what she's getting into. I remember my mother, when we lived in Saudi Arabia. Man, she hated how women were treated there.

One day, when you meet "the one", you will really be able to accept the heartbreak and how it happened. The entire process is shaping you to make you ready for "the one". Embrace everything about it.

Besides, if someone doesn't "get you" - the fullness and beauty of you that God made - screw 'em. You are much better off without them because they are just weighing your spirit down.

You say you will never be the person you were before! To me that's a good thing as long as you learn from past experiences. In this particular instance, you said your ex was acting like a 'bitch' in front of your family & friends. You should have ditched her at this point because it's a classic sign of disrespect & really sets the tone for everything that's to come later on.

If she's the adventurous type you describe, then she'll never survive with this new guy who's making her convert to islam before he gets it on with her. She'll be back on the scene sooner than later & as tempting as you may be, take nothing to do with her when that time comes. Don't offer your shoulder to to cry on, don't lend an ear as a friend or any of that sh1t. Remember what she put you through & how long you put up with it. At this point, walk away or put the phone down. If you happen to bang into her again in future, don't even acknowledge her, look happy & politely move on.

At the end of the day, people get treated the way they allow themselves to be treated! My mantra is that since nothing last forever, then make the most of the good times & move on when you know deep down the end is nigh.

They do try to put a road block in my mind, by showing that they don't care about me. Maybe because they sense that I know what care really is, them thinking it makes me vulnerable.

reply to post by MrJohnSmith


I agree.

she obviously doesnt want to be with you and is trying to break it to you in deceitful way...just tell her to f off and go out and meet some one who actually wants to be with you.