some funny Jokes.........inspired by OzChris.....it's time to think Australian...

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Criminal in the dock:
�As God is my judge, I am not guilty.�

Judge:
�He�s not, I am ,and you are.�

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The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up.
A gay man stood up and said "I did."
The preacher told him, "since you put that money in the plate, I would like you to pick out three hymns."

Excitedly, the gay guy said "Well, I'll take him and him and him."
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
�Hey, girls,� says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. �But officer,� the man began, �I can explain.�
�Quiet!� snapped the officer. �I�m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.�
�But, officer, I just wanted to say,�
�And I said be quiet! You�re going to jail!�
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, �Lucky for you, the chief�s at his daughter�s wedding so he�ll be in a good mood when he gets back.�

�Don�t count on it,� answered the guy in the cell. �I�m the groom.�

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As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:



Five reasons to believe computers are female:..............................................................


1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.


3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".


4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.


5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:


Five reasons to believe computers are male:


1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.


3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.


4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.


5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.

Mwahhhh ahhhh ahhhh.. I am rubbing off on all of you....It's good to know I can still make people laugh.. It's probably cause I am one of those dumb hick aussies that has that wierd accent...mate..

Time go back to the black stump.....have another prawn on tha barbie drink me Fourex and have a bonza day cobber....

Get that up ya for aussie slang!

Chris

David's brother David"
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?

Ten, she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

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If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
still working?
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Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

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A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.
After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife walks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She was appeased and went off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
"What's that for this time?" he says.
"Your horse called." she answered.
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If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
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Is atheism is a nonprophet organization.