Off Topic: Question of the Day

I am living with some room-mates who are also my best friends. A new guy has moved in, and since then, women have been treated and talked about like objects or property on occasion. Common phrases include "I would do her so hard" etc.

This conflicts with one of my favorite past-times, which is hanging out with girls as friends. Girls can be amazing people who tend to be more aware of their surrounding than guys, and also tend to solve problems based on the situation instead of preconceived belief systems (both supported by research). I am trying to learn more about this way of life.

One of my room-mates brought his girlfriend over today, who I am friends with, and he started getting possessive and controlling of her. For example, telling her who she could or could not talk to, including getting nervous when we talked.

Let me start by saying that today was (and still is) an off day for me, but I will try to describe events accurately. The girlfriend asked for my number (which was natural because we seriously get along). Then she started texting me later in the day asking for advice of what to do about the guy I'm friends with (he only wants to be friends with benefits and she wants more).

In every instance, I told her to ask him, or to tell him what she thought, or to talk to him about it, or that he wouldn't lie to her.

Well, when I got home, I told the room-mate she had been asking me questions and he got very angry with me about the fact that I had been communicating with her "behind his back."

I responded by telling him that it was not my fault that he was paranoid, and that he can't be controlling who his girlfriend talks to, and that I wasn't trying to screw him over, and that I responded appropriately to her questions, and

It was a terrible day for finesse for me - this can happen if I get over-stimulated (which happened because there was stupid drama to deal with on four fronts).

So I have some questions. I would like answers from girls, or from guys who have lived with room-mates.

1) If a guy I'm living with is being overly controlling of his girlfriend because he is insecure, should I intervene?
2) If I happen to make good friends with a girl who is dating one of the guys in my house, and she asks for my number, what do I do? What would be an appropriate house protocol?

Notice: Girls routinely use the phrase "Isn't it a good thing I am getting along with your room-mates?" and they seriously mean "I really like you, and I think it is good I am getting along with your room-mates" as well as "I don't find it attractive that you are insecure about who I am talking to, and I find it a deal-breaker that you try to control who I talk to, I'm not going after any of them."

reply to post by darkbake


read the first paragraph and instantly knew i had to tell you it's straight man lingo whether they are turly straight or not thst's remain to be seen. but that's how the average straight man talks.

Until they grow up and educate themselves. ever seen idiocracy? that's common straight man's world.

reply to post by Vicarious10000


I see, it is fairly common. The question is what rights or responsibilities do I have in my living environment? I could always let them be jerks and not be one myself, and hang out with girls in my room where we are away from it.

I think that these guys don't understand the effect their words and actions have on the girls around them, as well as their relationship quality with them. If there was no negative effect, I wouldn't be as worried.

Al I can think of is axe the new guy and assert major dominance over the others in one swoop. King of the castle

reply to post by darkbake


yeah understandable but at the sametime were heading in the direction of women living off wel fare cause they couldn't keep their legs shut for the right guy and men living in prison cause they can't keep up with child support cause they couldnt wait for the right girl.

reply to post by Vicarious10000


Yes, these are both happening in addition. The dating situation is a disaster. From what I have seen, average relationship time is less than 3 months and then a new one starts. In some cases, I have seen weekly relationship cycling with some girls who are keen on sleeping around.

reply to post by zonetripper2065


Your advice might just be taken, sir.

reply to post by darkbake


Just a thought.

I have found it is always a good policy not to get in the middle of other people's issues.
As long as he is not physically abusing her, I would not intervene.

As far as him saying you were going behind his back. Tell him "at least you told him about it, it's not your fault he is weak and insecure with his relationship".

reply to post by darkbake






That first paragraph


That is "MAN" talk by one who still has a lot of growing up to do!

reply to post by darkbake

Well, when I got home, I told the room-mate she had been asking me questions and he got very angry with me about the fact that I had been communicating with her "behind his back."

She probably told you things in confidence and then you went back and told her boyfriend?

You should have just offered advice to her, but kept your distance so to speak. I doubt it's made things better by telling him what she's been saying. She might think twice now about telling you anything if she suspects you'll run off and report to her boyfriend.

My two cents.

1. No.
2. Give her your number...

you already started this thread, just with a different title and less info in the OP. You got a few negative comments and instead of addressing them or updating your OP you came and started a new thread? Why not just keep the first one going?

Keep the girl as a friend. Your new roomate is just using her and has no right telling her who she can see or talk to.

Stay the hell out of it. You shouldn't have taken her number in the first place. You are just making problems for your own living situation.

I wouldn't even bother to deal with either of their problems. Like you said you like to have women as friends, so do that, away from them. It sounds like they are hot headed and quick to judge, so I would keep distant.

reply to post by darkbake

1) If a guy I'm living with is being overly controlling of his girlfriend because he is insecure, should I intervene?

Not if you want to keep a roommate. It's appropriate to make ONE comment about it, and just as an observation, but then let it go, it's his life, and hers...not your place to be a but-insky....

2) If I happen to make good friends with a girl who is dating one of the guys in my house, and she asks for my number, what do I do? What would be an appropriate house protocol?

Total violation of the bro-code...your friend's (or roommate's) girl is off limits (until the relationship is over and he's got another girl, and is cool with it). The protocol is...she's dating your friend, so no, can't go there.

reply to post by darkbake


1. You should always call your friends on their BS. Otherwise, why are you their friend?

If he has a complex that is causing him to treat another human being poorly, than it is your job to tell him he's being less than awesome. It's not your job to badger him about it or MAKE him change, but it's certainly within your responsibility, if you'd like to call yourself a friend.

2.Take the number, laugh at anybody who gives you crap otherwise.

You can't control who is going to like you and who isn't. My rule of thumb is the following:

"There is nothing wrong with leaving something, for something better."

If you end up being the 'something better' part, well anybody who gives you grief over than is just projecting their own issues onto you.

There's a caveat to that though. You can't be a sneaker sneak about it though, be upfront and honest with the situation, otherwise, well you are being less than awesome too.

Just my advice.

~Tenth