A "Friend-Sexual"

Originally posted by subfab
one thing everyone seems to be ignoring is the title of the thread has the word sexual in it.

why not something like "my male BFF" or "my platonic friend"

why the title " a 'friend-sexual' "?

Well you got me there lol. And it's a great point, one I'd forgotten while reading the replies so Im glad you brought that back in focus.

Soooooo???? Why that particular choice of words?

Originally posted by subfab
one thing everyone seems to be ignoring is the title of the thread has the word sexual in it.

why not something like "my male BFF" or "my platonic friend"

why the title " a 'friend-sexual' "?

I wondered if it's because so many people seem to think that men and women cannot be "just friends".

They can.
Sometimes.

Just because it involves the "sexes" doesn't mean it's about sex. We often get that mixed up. Sounds like you just have a connection with the guy on past experiences. If this was a woman would you have the same misgivings? See? I've had many CLOSE friends that were women. Nothing sexual involved, just good friendship. In fact my closest friend now is my Ex. Trust me, there's nothing sexual there. But we went through a lot together and we are very close.

reply to post by intrepid


I'm honestly amazed... What about the sexual chemistry you must have once shared with your ex? Did it just kind of gradually disappear? And be replaced by a kind of mutual respect?

The thing is, if there's even a tiny element of sexual attraction on either side (or both sides) then it's going to be a problem 'just' being friends....

I'm actually going through something similar to the OP so I'm loving this thread and looking forward to everyone's replies....

Am I the only one who wants to scream that you don't get married at 19?

If she can't even define her relationships, she certainly isn't ready for marriage.

reply to post by nixie_nox


Yeah couldn't agree more... Hell I'm 34 and not ready for marriage

Originally posted by paradisepurple
reply to post by intrepid

 

I'm honestly amazed... What about the sexual chemistry you must have once shared with your ex? Did it just kind of gradually disappear? And be replaced by a kind of mutual respect?

Actually we damn near hated each other by the end. Last week would have been our 22nd anniversary. Trust me, NOTHING sexual there. But we chewed a lot of the same tough meat together. That's the bond. We went through hell together.

The thing is, if there's even a tiny element of sexual attraction on either side (or both sides) then it's going to be a problem 'just' being friends....

Well if a guy is involved that would fail 100%(if straight). Men are generally pigs. The bonus is that we know it. He can deal with a "tiny element."

Originally posted by nixie_nox
Am I the only one who wants to scream that you don't get married at 19?

If she can't even define her relationships, she certainly isn't ready for marriage.

YES!!!! 1st wife was 18, me 20. Divorced at 21 and 23 respectively. Too young. Trust me and learn from my mistakes. Yeah, a twice divorced dude giving relationship advice.

Originally posted by subfab
one thing everyone seems to be ignoring is the title of the thread has the word sexual in it.

why not something like "my male BFF" or "my platonic friend"

why the title " a 'friend-sexual' "?

Honestly? I couldn't think of anything else. There are terms explaining people who have attractions and feelings towards others, or have no attractions, like Asexual, Homosexual, etc.

Asexual also has "sexual" in it, but it means quite the opposite.

When I think of something more fitting, rest assured I'll change the title.

Some people are only attracted to a certain gender, age, or even species. I didn't know the term for someone who is attracted to friends in a non-romantic/sexual way. A "Friend-lover?" "Friend-attraction?"


And to everyone else--open relationship isn't an option. My fiance and I are old school, and I couldn't imagine doing anything sexual with my friend... the thought of it is bazarre... and wrong...

I'm not being sexist. I have almost entirely a collection of guys as friends... I don't like having girls as friends. Sure, you could argue that THAT is sexist, but it's just the way I'm built.

I feel more like he's something I should protect, it's not anything romantic. I promise. Every time he explains something bad going on in his life, I get this feeling of empathy and I feel like I really have to do something about it. Sometimes it even angers me.

He's been taken advantage of a lot, and I know what that's like. I can't stand it.

Also, his deal breaker, since some of you want to know--the reason I would never date him is that he has a slight history of abusing some of his friends... physically. He's gotten much better, and he doesn't hurt others anymore, and when he did it was rare, but still... I won't be in an abusive relationship. Ever.

I've only read half the responses. I'm gonna read the other half before I get back to cooking Thanksgiving stuff.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
Am I the only one who wants to scream that you don't get married at 19?

If she can't even define her relationships, she certainly isn't ready for marriage.

Forgive me for being young. I think I'm a lot better at defining relationships than most people my age.

The sheer fact that I'm even trying is points in my direction, if you're playing the comparison game.

My fiance and I aren't getting married any time soon. We have no plans. We've been engaged for two years. He and I are more sure than anything that we will be together forever. We aren't wrong either.

And by the off chance that we ARE wrong, we will learn that from experience, not other people telling us what to do.

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX

Originally posted by nixie_nox
Am I the only one who wants to scream that you don't get married at 19?

If she can't even define her relationships, she certainly isn't ready for marriage.

Forgive me for being young. I think I'm a lot better at defining relationships than most people my age.

The sheer fact that I'm even trying is points in my direction, if you're playing the comparison game.

My fiance and I aren't getting married any time soon. We have no plans. We've been engaged for two years. He and I are more sure than anything that we will be together forever. We aren't wrong either.

And by the off chance that we ARE wrong, we will learn that from experience, not other people telling us what to do.

edit on 21-11-2012 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)

I respect you. My wife and I live the same way. Although we ended up getting married, it didnt matter if we did or did not, because we knew that we would be together. Marriage is a label, simple as that. And it places a standard on how couples "should be". Its sickening.

My wife and I are in an open relationship because, well, if you both love the same person, why not add a third into the mix? More love is more fun in my opinion. As long as both of you have that mutual understanding, then do whatever the hell you want.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


I have only been in love once, it was 8 years ago, and the greatest thing I can remember is that it was just like a drug, at night time I would wake up, and our breathing would be aligned, and I felt euphoria.

I remember that if you measure up attactiveness, sex, familiarity, coincidence, timing...If you measure everything together, we were magical soul mates, and everything together....Friendship was about 75% of our love. I remember thinking,

I have more 'friendship' attraction than sexual attraction. It was the aspect of being best friends, the friendship tie and bond with each other that gave the spiritual leap, the faith, the trust, and knowledge.

It sounds like you have a bond.

I do wonder what this guy thinks of you, if its completely a non-sexual interest in you. If you care as much about him as it sounds like you do, you may be unintentionally sending confusing signals to him.

If a girl took such an interest in me, I would probably misunderstand it. This guy could be madly in love with you, and suffering in silence because you have a fiance that is also his friend. He may be a decent enough person to not want to mess that up even if he was in love with you.

So my big question to you, does your friend have a girlfriend of his own? If not, has it been a long time since he did have a girlfriend? How would you feel if he did have a girlfriend?

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


thank you for your response.
i wish you health and happiness.

Originally posted by WiindWalker

Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX

Originally posted by nixie_nox
Am I the only one who wants to scream that you don't get married at 19?

If she can't even define her relationships, she certainly isn't ready for marriage.

Forgive me for being young. I think I'm a lot better at defining relationships than most people my age.

The sheer fact that I'm even trying is points in my direction, if you're playing the comparison game.

My fiance and I aren't getting married any time soon. We have no plans. We've been engaged for two years. He and I are more sure than anything that we will be together forever. We aren't wrong either.

And by the off chance that we ARE wrong, we will learn that from experience, not other people telling us what to do.

edit on 21-11-2012 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)

I respect you. My wife and I live the same way. Although we ended up getting married, it didnt matter if we did or did not, because we knew that we would be together. Marriage is a label, simple as that. And it places a standard on how couples "should be". Its sickening.

My wife and I are in an open relationship because, well, if you both love the same person, why not add a third into the mix? More love is more fun in my opinion. As long as both of you have that mutual understanding, then do whatever the hell you want.

Thank ya

All relationships go through crap.

Real ones get through crap.

That's what I think. If we put each other before anything else, it's all good. Usually works for us.

Originally posted by spleenika
It sounds like you have a bond.

I do wonder what this guy thinks of you, if its completely a non-sexual interest in you. If you care as much about him as it sounds like you do, you may be unintentionally sending confusing signals to him.

If a girl took such an interest in me, I would probably misunderstand it. This guy could be madly in love with you, and suffering in silence because you have a fiance that is also his friend. He may be a decent enough person to not want to mess that up even if he was in love with you.

So my big question to you, does your friend have a girlfriend of his own? If not, has it been a long time since he did have a girlfriend? How would you feel if he did have a girlfriend?

I'd feel happy for him if he got a girlfriend.

Last time he dated someone, he was ADORABLE in how he handled himself. He was trying to be fairly chivalrous. Of course, that relationship didn't end well for him, he got in a nasty fight with her. Anger issues, see?

I really don't think he has feelings for me that way. If he does, he's stuffing them down deep. He asked me out once in middle school, but that was years ago.

I do have to say, though... if that girl ever hurt him, I'd kill her. I understand that being over protective of him is going to send mixed signals, but I can't help it. I really hate evil, manipulative girls.

A couple years ago, another friend of mine took an interest in me (I didn't really notice), but he was dating a huge, really mean abusive girl who called him names and slapped him around.

Until I threatened her.

That friend totally took it the wrong way. He thought I was in love with him.

At that point, I have to be really straight forward. Sit em down and tell em that I love and care for them, but I'm not interested in them romantically. I'm happily taken.

I'm pretty good at sitting back and letting my friends make their own mistakes so they can learn from them. Not so good at letting other people meaninglessly hurt them, though.

Originally posted by subfab
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

thank you for your response.
i wish you health and happiness.

You're welcome, and ditto.

I have a friend I felt this with (I say felt because over the last 10 years, life has taken us in separate directions and we rarely see each other any more).
Just being around him made things feel like they were under control, I didn't have to worry about anything, I knew he had my back. And he did. When I was made homeless, I shared his bedroom for 8 months.
We slept in the same bed on occasion without anything remotely sexual occurring between us, EVER. And though I loved him as I would love a best friend and a brother, there for me was never a sexual attraction. He was the exact opposite of the type of guys I would go for. He was the exact opposite to me. The Ying to my Yang.
We kept each other in balance, and he's helped me more than any friend I've ever had. I hope one day I'll be in a position to return the favour

Originally posted by Lulzaroonie
I have a friend I felt this with (I say felt because over the last 10 years, life has taken us in separate directions and we rarely see each other any more).
Just being around him made things feel like they were under control, I didn't have to worry about anything, I knew he had my back. And he did. When I was made homeless, I shared his bedroom for 8 months.
We slept in the same bed on occasion without anything remotely sexual occurring between us, EVER. And though I loved him as I would love a best friend and a brother, there for me was never a sexual attraction. He was the exact opposite of the type of guys I would go for. He was the exact opposite to me. The Ying to my Yang.
We kept each other in balance, and he's helped me more than any friend I've ever had. I hope one day I'll be in a position to return the favour

That...

That is just adorable.

See? I want meaningful, sweet relationships like that with my friends. I envy you

You should keep in contact with him

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


We're still in touch, our kids are friends and were even due within days of each other (but mine was early). We talk on a regular basis but meeting up planning is a precise art when he has shared custody of his daughter and a full time shift based job

He's a great friend. People always used to press me for gossip about our 'situation' only to be told the same thing every time, he's my best friend, there's nothing romantic happening, and I'm more than capable of having a close male friend that I'm not having a sexual relationship with.
In fact, I guess it's a sign of the times that I have slept in the same bed with a fair few male friends and not shared an intimate encounter with them, yet people assume I have, most likely because they know they wouldn't have the same self respect and respect for their friendship were they in the same situation.
Sexy time is for partners, not random friends.