I live in a Cemetery

Surely I am not of this planet. Like a puzzle with a mistaken extra piece, I look frantically for the space I am supposed to fit into. But all I find is that I am not like most other people. I listen to them talk about their lives, their job and what they saw on the news and although the words enter my auditory receptors, I do not hear them; their words will not register. Instead of engaging in the facade, I decide to observe. This is challenging as I am already dealing with an internal examination taking place as I try to decipher the incoming information. I must keep up the appearance of a friendly and interesting person or my cover will be blown. I smile politely and continue to listen.

I feel myself drifting away again, too scared to face the reality that I have nothing to say. Suddenly eloquent, sophisticated words begin to come out as though their utterance carries a purpose. Those around me are fooled, and stand in admiration and amazement, waiting for more fresh content to greet their ears. But the one in front is not tricked and begins to ask questions. Doubt starts to fill him and he begins to stumble as each awkward, incoherent word struggles to permeate the filter between him and everyone else. He excuses himself from the social gathering and heads home.

The driver fixes his eyes on the rear-view mirror and makes occasional glances at the side mirrors to see if there are any others. The road is fairly deserted and his thoughts begin to race once again. Whose are the hands that grip the steering wheel and the foot on the accelerator? Why does his connection to reality drift from a first-person perspective to a third-person perspective so erratically? To understand this question is to answer the purpose of his existence; therefore, the answer will remain but a mystery.

In bed at home is where he feels most centred. In the darkness his thoughts feel more familiar; there is no form to confuse him from where his thoughts originate. There is no need for presentation, there are no masks to wear. Truth and honesty are upheld consistently and the questions continue to flood in. Is he an individual or part of the collective whole? Is he the physical body laying in bed or the thoughts being released into the open cold air of the nighttime?

Are you able to trace the physical location of your thoughts? Do they stream within your brain or your mind? Is the centre of your being part of your middle body area or somewhere inside your mind? Where does one's thoughts transcend when there are no physical boundaries?

----

(Author's comments — this narrative attempts to demonstrate the issues faced by those that have suffered the effects of Depersonalisation at one time or another in their lives. If you have ever suffered symptoms of this condition, please feel free to reply and express your views.)

Wow, whilst reading I was thinking what is this? Why is this person describing me? Then I read the last paragraph. A very good description of depersonalisation, thanks for posting.

I think your describing the human condition.
Everyone feels this way at some point in there life.
Depersonalisation is just a label, people need labels go figure,

Good read thanks for your observation of the obvious

reply to post by Dark Ghost

Why does his connection to reality drift from a first-person perspective to a third-person perspective so erratically?

Imagine perception is determined by a point of awarness in your brain. The erractic drift is because something is causing this point to move. It could be external stimulii doing it. It could be emotions. It can be caused in people who practice inner silence.

I have a long history of falling into depersonalization rather easily. In situations of pressure, even the slightest, I can flip into it. It was a coping mechanism when very young- when things got very dangerous, painful,or stressful, it allowed me to cut myself off from the sensual input I was recieving.

I think it was really kinda necessary and allowed me to be able to do what I had to do to survive in situations where the emotions and instinctual reflexes would be overwhelmed otherwise. If I am in involved in an emergency situation now, I flip into it immediately and actually become the person everyone can count on to keep my head, organize the efforts and be responsible.

When it is all over, though, I will collapse.

The problem I have had to battle, as an adult, is learning to NOT flip into this mode at the slightest stress- like if I have a job interview, or a test. I get sort of- autistic? I take things literally, I fail to pick up on emotional markers, or disregard them as irrelevant. Even on a test, things like memory are highly effected by the emotional and subjective parts of us, so my memory of information and ability to make choices is weakened.

If you ask me do I want an apple or an orange I cannot answer. If you ask me what is the most effective action to take in this context with this this goal in mind, I can calculate it and answer.

Strangely enough, the rest of the time I am highly sensitive, to the point I consider I might fall into the "very sensitive person" catagory, which is ALSO linked to high cortisol response, just ike disassociation!
In fact, I wonder if having such sensitivity causes people to fall easier into this coping mechanism because they are overwhelmed otherwise.

I created my own form of therapy which was really making myself face a measure of pressure or risk, little bits at a time, stopping when I felt myself start to go "objective". Through experience, my body starts to learn it can cope without having to go into that, and the level at which I remain subjectively present raises slowly.

It has been a very long process though. I won't say it is "gone" - like an alcoholic, I am afraid to get comfortable.
But I have been extremely pleased and proud to see how far I have come along!

reply to post by Bluesma

emotional and subjective parts of us, so my memory of information and ability to make choices is weakened.

our emotions are shields that protect us from the cold harshness of life. They are like camp fires we need them. They can also become bushfires and ravage our land we live our life in. Pefect state is no emotion.

Originally posted by AthlonSavage
reply to post by Bluesma

 

Pefect state is no emotion.

I respectfully disagree. Emotion has shown to be a vital necessity for choice making- psychopathic behavior can emerge from lack of emotion.
The intellectual mind can trick itself with it's own rationale and logic, causing the person to make false judgements, choices that are not adapted to reality ; Theory does not always translate into practice, because of the unknown factor of reality- chaos. It is that factor that emotion can navigate through.

Work by neuroscientists like Antonio Damasio have really shed light on this, and are rather interesting.

reply to post by Bluesma

I respectfully disagree. Emotion has shown to be a vital necessity for choice making- psychopathic behavior can emerge from lack of emotion.
The intellectual mind can trick itself with it's own rationale and logic, causing the person to make false judgements, choices that are not adapted to reality ; Theory does not always translate into practice, because of the unknown factor of reality- chaos. It is that factor that emotion can navigate through.

Your argument is polarized as people fixiated with emotions do a pretty good job at ensuring homocide and murder mortalities rates are kept in tally.

I agree the intellectual mind can trick itself. It is possible the arguments you have formulated are your logical mind tricking you. Ok im playing the devils advocate here, but hey i think im better at it than you

reply to post by AthlonSavage


I disagree that my argument is polarized.

That would be true if I asserted that emotion ALONE is ideal. I never made any such statement.
I refered to the balancing effect of intellect and emotion as optimum for most life situations and choice making.

I would dare to suggest that perhaps you are "polarizing" in your assertment that "no emotion at all is ideal."

In the case of disassociation, I think again that balance is optimum- an ability to rise above, or regard from a more objective perception is useful! I just don't think that being engaged closely and subjectively with the world is to be neglected either.

reply to post by Dark Ghost


Awesome account.

I suffer from this regularly, but there is one drastic difference. I actually feel more comfortable in front of the group, listening to my own words come out of my mouth. Even though it feels autonomous, and even though I am surprised by my own ability to detach and play that role, it feels safe and protected behind that facade. When I am at home, in my bed, in the dark, with my thoughts, I often get panic attacks. The darkness closes in, the persona goes to sleep and I'm left there naked to reflect on my actions of the day, and often times I don't like it! I recount all the potential miscues, all the half-truths and exaggerations, all the snake pits I danced around but somehow stayed out of. Then I realize I have to do it all again tomorrow, and the potential for devastating consequences are there at every turn! I don't sleep much, I toss and turn, and just before the dawn, as I see the light in the windows start to go from black to blue, then I drift off, but only moments later the alarm clock goes off, and the persona wakes up and gets ready for the day. That first hour is exhausting, because I'm 2/3rds asleep, but eventually the persona takes over and smooths out, and handles business. The persona is liked, admired, trusted, and I get to shrink back inside and huddle up while things seem to run themselves. I'm safe, until I'm alone, or darkness sets in, and then its back to the feelings of doubt and inadequacy and fear.

I'm wondering if it is our humane side realizing our spiritual side, in that we are more than just a physical form. We are far more than just a physical body, hence our feeling seperate.

I may be late
Always seem to get the wrong date
Well I guess it's fate
I live in a cemetery
Full of good will and integrity

reply to post by Xaphan


My thread titles are sometimes inspired by song titles or verses and on this occasion you have nailed the exact one. Well done.

That was an interesting read! I've never had this symptom happen to me exactly... Perhaps something similar in a pharmacological situation

reply to post by Dark Ghost

I knew it!

I first bought that album when I was around 10, when it came out in 1997. Still one of my all time favourites

I'm going to get a little off topic here.

Everyone lives in a cemetery. They just don't realize it. Right now, beneath your feet are the rotted remains of millennia past. You are standing over the grave of extinct plants, wooly mammoths, dinosaurs. Some of you could possibly have their preserved skeletal remains under your floorboards right now.

reply to post by allenidaho


Very true, never thought of it like that!

reply to post by Dark Ghost


I exist inside a game that everyone seems to love, except for me.

Money isn't real, but we all need to make as much of it as we possibly can.

Spectator sports are meaningless, yet billions go absolutely nuts over it.

We vote the filthy rich into public office even though they have no clue what the average person wants.

We worship gods even though there isn't one shred of evidence that they exist.

Life - I just don't get it.

You articulated that very well! I always felt like an outsider. Just as you describe, I am there, I listen, but I do not understand. I hear the words, I get their meanings, but I do not see why. People talk about things which are dull and redundant, often telling the same jokes, complaining about the same things or discussing the same issues many times (which were rarely interesting in the first place!)

I go to work. I get: "Another day." I respond, "Yeah, another day." (Trying to act normal.)

At the end of every night I get: "Another one down." And I respond, "Yeah...."

As I work night shift, every night (and I mean every single night) one of my co-workers steps out of our car and she says, "Well, see you later today." That might have been clever the first time I heard it, but honestly, she says the same exact line every single night! And every single night everyone laughs, and even sigh with reflection upon this 'cleverness' after her door has closed and she has gone (proving their laughter was not a mere facade, or at least not for her sake.) I just sit there, blank-faced, because that's as nice as I can possible manage to be about this.

When I'm home, I talk with fascinating people online about fascinating things (philosophy, art, spiritualism, the supernatural, etc.) But when I walk out my front door, I step back into the 'Real World'.

I get, "It's a nice day today." And I respond, holding back witty/snide remarks and forcing a smile, "Yeah, it is.”

Sometimes I feel like saying, "Just shoot me!" I always saw normality as a facade. What I never understood is why people bother to play this boring game. Deep down, we are all spiritual beings who do not understand the materialism around us. But the world is so real and it forces us to 'play along' or we'll be 'crushed under the weight' of it. Daring to be different takes guts, to say what you really think. People think you're a jerk and a weirdo. I know, because I used to just say what I thought sometimes. These days, I remain quiet.

I've been an actor, public speaker, protestor, writer and passionate conversationalist. And yet, in my home town, I'm considered "shy" and am easily overlooked, forgotten and underestimated because I "lack self-confidence." It isn't that, it's because I can't be like them. I refuse to 'fit into' their world too much. I despise it. I care for them, for all of them, but I despise their normality. I wish I could know who they all really were inside and that we could just take each other for who we all really are. But instead, we keep our walls (or facades) up so we don't get beaten down for being exposed (vulnerable) and not 'playing along'.

Deep down, we're all weird.