It's Time to THINK Australian

Here are a number of GENUINE inquiries made to the Australian Tourist Board's Website....Together with some draft replies.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: Actually, we import all plants and then just sit around drink beer and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Kangaroo's in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you have been drinking..

Q: Which direction is North in Australia (USA - heh typical)

A: Face south then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here then we will send you the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring Cutlery into Australia (UK)

A: Why? just use your fingers like we do!

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia (France)

A: NO...WE DO NOT STINK

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia. (USA)

A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans hang out.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population (ITALY)

A: Yes, Gay Nightclubs.

Q: Are there Supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (GERMANY)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in America which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make great pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it's name. IT's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)

A: It's called a drop bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, though you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out into the bush.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


What is scary here people is that the questions are ACTUAL QUESTIONS.. I am not joking here.. there are some DUMB son of a bitches in this world...

Chris

on a further note from reading a flame about australians - by the one and only netchicken... I wasn't going to say this BUT ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS ARE ACTUALLY FROM NEW ZEALAND.

Shaaaaaawing....post another tick on the board for me NC.

[Edited on 30-4-2003 by OzChris]

[Edited on 30-4-2003 by OzChris]

i like it!!!

Man, whats wrong with australia, in my opinion australians are the best anglo-saxon people other than scots.

XAOS

Reminds me of some of the commercials for Fosters Lager. I think my favorite one was when the waiter told the couple their table was ready, and the woman finished her beer and crunched the can on her forehead, and then the guy says in his australian accent, "keeper".

And I'm SOOOO guilty of this one:

Q: Will I be able to see Kangaroo's in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you have been drinking..

I wanna see a friggen kangaroo!!! Just once! And not in some Zoo...
Magestica

"It's called a drop bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them, though you personally should be safe enough. If you are still worried you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out into the bush. "

All I can say is UBER

absolute gold mate, that what you lot are.

"are the best anglo-saxon people other than scots"

hmmmm, something wrong with that.

I am more trying to say that I have a low opinion of Americans and well, brits are brits. Australia is better though. Dont want to be called racist: "anglo-saxons arent the only people in australia, waaaah"

XAS

Xaos - Anglo- Saxon being best from Australia.

Used to be used as a prison for British as I remember

[Edited on 4/30/2003 by FoxStriker]

Oh man...........LMAO
You did it Oz,you found rock solid proof that humans have been dumbed down to drooling idiots.

I would also wager that your drop bears are starving and should be placed on the endangered species list.

I wanna see a friggen kangaroo!!! Just once! And not in some Zoo...

Damn these things are really pests.....I was on the golf course the other day...I was looking for my mate's golf bal which he horridly hooken into the bush... I was too busy searching for the ball...I look up....and there standing in front of me is a 6 foot grey....kangaroo that is.... needless to say my pants needed changing there and then...I never did find that golf ball

Chris

heh, I like it Chris

I may be heading over your way soon, got to see the rellies before they die of old age

some more aussie humor

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

Oh my god chook...I am sure I used that joke in the old NZ Vs AUS flame thread that alien started a while back... May have been on the old board....

It's just not the same without my mate kano to back me up.. I wonder what the hell he is doing with himself now?

And CHOOK... no messing with my avatar..it's copyrighted. heh

no william dog heads on a kangaroo body or some such.

Chris

That was really funny.

Australia is nice and cheap to live, pretty interesting place. But ill stay in the US where we have almost unlimted acess to guns

The standard of living in Australia is second to none. An amazing country with incredible diversity. The question is when are the NZ's going to go bankrupt and beg to become the 6th state of Oz.

Heh, we are the best 3rd world country in the world! Anyway we will just move over to aussie with all our bro's and cuzzies

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is
bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?"(To-dai) he asks with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick


..............................................

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he
meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off
his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat
fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie
shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "
We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your
cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He
asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have
any grasshoppers in Texas"?

This is an old joke i read in FHM years ago.

a local perth radio station has a competition where a partner rings up and tells the studio when they last had sex, how long it lasted etc. they then ring up the partner & if they say the same thing they win a holiday.

DJ "Hello your on the air"
Bruce "Hi bruce here"

DJ "Hi bruce, so when did you last have sex?"
Bruce "This morning m8"

DJ "Good good how long for?"
Bruce "about 10mins m8"

DJ "not bad not bad & where was it?"
Bruce "in the kitchen."

DJ "great now we'll just ring ya wife & if she say's the same you will win your holiday."

....ring ring....

Sarah "hello"
DJ "hello there 79.7fm your on the air we have your husband here say hello."

Sarah "hi hunny."
Bruce "hi love."

DJ " now he's told us everything about the last time you guy's had sex & if you answer correctly you win a holiday understand?"
Bruce "just tell the truth babe."
Sarah "ok go on."

DJ "wen did you last have sex?"
Sarah "this morning before bruce went to work"
DJ "well done ok how long did it last?"
Sarah "Um about 15mins"
DJ " thats ok Bruce was just being a gentleman. Final question. Where was it?"

Sarah "i can't say that my mum might be listening."
Bruce "its ok i've told them already just say it!"
Sarah "Ok ok ...... Up the arse!"

lmao!! funny thread