Obama's most honest speech to date (comedic fiction)

Obama's most honest speech to date (comedic fiction)
by Ghostx

President Obama steps to the podium as he has done many times before. By now there is no point in a full preparation. He knows what he will say. His wife, Michelle, is to the side of where he is now standing, clapping as the crowd creates an unpredictable melody of cheers, love, and support.

He fixes his tie, making it so it is not the straightest tie anyone has ever laid eyes on. Regardless of the opinions of some of his designers, he will not stand on this podium appearing above all others. He must be with them.

"Thank you. Thank you," Obama speaks into the microphone. The second phrase of gratitude is slightly clearer and louder, and Obama compliments it with a wave to the crowd. As if he commands them, they quiet down, sit in their seats and await some words of wisdom.

"America. My fellow Democrats. Our Republican friends. Men, women, parents, and children. We stand here today not as enemies, but as a whole. We live today, and every day forward as equals. I, the President, am no higher than the lowest person on the streets of Detroit. I am no more powerful than the most powerful man in California!" Obama says, as he has practiced.
The crowd responds well, knowing that the uses of specific locations are random and not based on the quality of people you may find there.
"From this day forward we will abolish all evils. We will defend ourselves, as a country. For if we can do that..." He becomes more serious, and looks into the crowd at each person, each child, each set of eyes.
"...then we will survive. But if we do not unite! If we only do what we think is best for ourselves, then we truly will fail."
His statements of motivation and inspiration were done. It was time to get down to business. The next part of his speech is nothing new. It is made up of known facts.
"Yet the times right now are difficult. For you, us, and for me. As we stand together and embrace, think to yourself. Ponder how you can help a brother, sister, friend, parent, loved one, or past enemy! And ultimately America, help me."
The crowd ponders all of this, and wonders what news Obama may share with them.
"Last night when I was having sex with Michelle, we talked about having another baby. However, my mind was on something else. This statement should show you that what I am about to say is very serious. Serious enough to divert my attention away from a beautiful baby crawling out of Michelle's uterus cave!"
The crowd awaits silently, anticipating Obama to display a strong sign of care for them, and disregarding his sexual comment about Michelle.
"Through the screams, moans, smiles, and giggles I came to think about the people of America. I concluded that I have done nothing to help you. I have not improved much in this world at all! In fact I may have made it worst. This is an injustice to you, to us! So hold my hand, and lead me away from my evils. Help me help you. Tell me what you need. So instead of having sex with Michelle and planning to have a baby...I can metaphorically have sex with you. And we, through our screams, fears, giggles and groans, can make a plan to create a whole new world!"
And with that President Obama stepped down. Romney clapped very hard, and so did everyone else. Romney's happiness came because he thought that this was the downfall of Obama. Michelle fortunately left before all of the sexual parts. When she heard her husband speak about unity, and helping each other and equality she felt upset. She had left angrily questioning why her husband kept on lying about everything. If she had stayed she may have been happier. Or perhaps not.
The crowd clapped not because they were happy about his speech, and admittance of not doing anything...But because it was Obama's most honest speech to date.