Need advice

Don't be a fool.

I was.

She is taking everything you worked hard for, for granted.

You can still be with your kids according to a court.

If she doesn't bring a stupid bible.

After that, forget it, they won't listen to you.

reply to post by Flyzoid


Don't get confused.
And I totally understand what you mean by the double standard.
But you are only in control of yourself, and it does not matter what happens, it is how you react to it that counts.

I suggested taking your wife out to dinner as a way to rekindle and perhaps discuss the issues that are plaguing your marriage in a soft warm food filled environment where you both have to stay civil. It is on your mind, therefore it will come out of your mouth during dinner.
It is all in the approach, and timing and how it is said and done. Go have some fun, talk with each other, and restore your communication, because what I am seeing is a big roadblock. Which means to me you two are not speaking with each other very well. Perhaps I am way off base, but there needs to be some romance in your lives to keep things smoothly going, otherwise down the road, these issues will never be resolved and will only get worse. You two have to find middle ground, and the best way to do that is to remind yourselves how much you do love each other and why. The rest works itself out.

Originally posted by Flyzoid
reply to post by Sinny

 

Yeah I know about the whole emasculation thing and it's not that. I already asked myself that question and I know it's not that. She has only been working that job 4 months and has only earned three good paychecks from it. It's not like she has been supporting me for 6 years while I did nothing. And I still bring in a good amount of money but she fails to realize that. Like I said I've been paying rent for....... Ever but the last 2 paychecks she has Gotten, she has had to pay my car payment with that. And has used it against me? But at the same time can't seem to remember that I paid the rent

Maybe she was like that for 10 years and I never knew about it?

OMG! That last line is very interesting! The thought didn't even cross my mind, that's the kind of deep sh*t that'll have us all questioning everything! Aha.

reply to post by Sinny


Yeah I know!! We've been married for 10 years beginning at the tender age of 19. Now that I think about it, she has never really earned money on her own. This is for the first time for her, a real job that pays enough for her to support herself and our kids. Maybe this is who she is and I never seen it because she hasn't been in that position. It's kinda like someone who was destined to be a pro golfer but never picked up a golf club because they never got around to it........ If that makes sense, she may have just picked up a golf club. Only it's not a golf club. It's a selfish woman that wants to keep her money to herself?

reply to post by Flyzoid


Seriously, your making me re-think half my life over that wee comment..

From the age of 19 too! Its amazing, because you never would have knew otherwise.

I'm only 21, but since my first (and distrious) relationship have always maintained I could never commit to anyone, untill I was certainly sure what I wanted in life.. To save my self from circumstances like your own.

I've always asked my self, could I really spend the rest of my life with this person? And if the answers "no" then there's no point in evening starting out on the journey.

Something I've always upheld, to the point, I'd do have a "partner" as such, we've been seeing each other for 3 years, but on mutual terms we won't commit, we have breaks from 1 week, up to 3 months.

I'm just not sure enough I could ever know anyone completely enough to trust them with my heart, after all, we all grow and change, I'm still learning things about people I've known all my life!

Having said that, I've no advice, you seem to know the situation far better than any of us could, your just looking for confirmation.

Look within your self, you know what your instincts telling you.

Good luck!

Originally posted by Flyzoid
I get monthly disability checks from the military(government). So yes I am one of the 47% lol.

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.

Sounds to me like you two are moving in different directions bud. Have a talk with her. Make it short, to the point, and a one time shot. In this economy buddy, you can't have your better half acting like that.

Separate accounts. That's the ticket. Love is love and money is money. Don't ever tie the two together

Know what? Let me see if I can do something here. All it takes is talking to my ex for 15 minutes on the phone ( In person aint EVEN gonna work) and I'm in the mood for this song:



And I think I'm with Manhater on this one. ( Is she a trip or what?) There's no shame in being open here because people aren't going to remember you 5 years down the road anyway. Here, here's my past....Have at it 'cause I'm not giving you the here and now. I'll give you what I learned man, not what I'm learning now.

Good luck though buddy.

Op, please pay attention to what my fellow women are saying.
There isn't much more that Sinny, Smiley and the rest haven't said that I could add aside from, who is feeding her power trip. A new girlfriend? I think Manhater and Advantage have some great advice.

reply to post by Darkblade71


Great advice here Darkblade71!

OP...you have said it yourself, this is the first time in her life that she has earnt her own money. That's a big thing. Do you remember how you felt when you got that first pay check, how special it was? That feeling of earning your own money, the sense of independence that gave you? I do. And, by your own admission, she is only three pay checks in, give her chance to enjoy and adjust to that. Allow her to indulge herself and, in the end, get over herself and that sense of 'power'. You know that it is a temporary buzz, that soon the feeling of empowerment will pass and it will soon become just a day to day grind. Let her have her moment in the sun, because it will soon come crashing down, and I can tell, from what you have said, that although you are hurt by her words and actions, that you don't want to throw your relationship away over something as trivial as money.

If she wants to split everything down the middle, seperate bank accounts...go for it...if anything, given that she isn't good with money, it will give you both a safety net...but make sure that you are splitting everything down the middle...including the rent. That way, if it all goes pear shaped, and she over spends, you are still protected, but she still gets to learn the hard way, and she will, hopefully, learn by her mistake and appreciate you all the more for your cautious approach. If not, then, reappraise the situation. But at the end of the day, it is only money, and money is never worth falling out over.

reply to post by Flyzoid

She is on a power trip, it will either last and she will be moving her own way. Or it will be something that she needs to get out of her system for a while and return to a more saner approach. But really $250 for a haircut, either that is some fancy haircut complete with a pedicure and all the bells and whistles, or I am sorry to say she got ripped off. There is a difference between treating yourself and just blowing money and needless things you know.

But hey whatever, we all do that sometimes and once in a while, it's no biggie unless you make it one or she continues to do that constantly and it gets worse, in which case. You got's problems. If she never had her own money before then ya she will want to spend it, but if she gets uppity and nuts with her new-found fortune Then plan A would be to tell her straight up what you think. And if she don't listen and gets all evil, then its time for plan B...Here is what you do and as Darkblade71 said....You go take her out to dinner or something, you know fancy romantic sh*t, and try to work things out, I seen it in a movie once and the TV said women like that stuff. And as we know the TV never lies about such things.

So after all that then her guard will be down, and that is when you get all down and dirty...You know what I mean. And then, you know the rest...Bada bing, bada boom...End of story.

And if she is still evil after all that, well then it's time for plan C....Here is what you do, at an undisclosed time and after you get all your things in order and definitely see a lawyer...You go take her out again, you know same old drill. Only this time during the whole thing, you tell her that you got to go and use the bathroom. And then while in there proceed to climb and jump out the window and run like hell. But scope the place out first to make sure they have a window, or a back door something you can leave by unseen. And after you get clear away, and while she is still waiting for you to come back from the bathroom, you make yourself scarce, basically make like a ninja and disappear.

It would be best that you get all your contingency plans in order before then, kids, bank accounts, place to stay or move into, and all the rest, you may even need to chance your name just in case she finds you again. But even if she does, just act like you don't know her and she is a crazy person and even call the cops on her and have her committed, or get a restraining order against her.

But you know, ride it out and see were it goes first before all that, because it could just be a phase. Oh ya most likely a phase. Luckily you came to the de facto place for awesome relationship advice that is ATS. You have been enlightened.

Carry On.

Stupid rant removed. Honestly man, just go with your gut on this one. You know better than anyone what's going on. Pay attention to the subtleties. Women are very subtle, even while being extremely overt. Someone is feeding that ego of hers right now. Could be the money, could be a friend, could be a douche if you catch my drift.

That 10 year make is key. That is about the time people tend to look at the grass on the other side of the fence.
Also earning her own money give her a feeling of power.

Learn from my experience.

After 12 years and three kids she started selling at the flea market. That money neve seemed to make it into the joint account. Also with a steady stream of new people to talk to, the grass looked greener. Year 13 was the end.

Facts:
Seperate accounts won't make a difference in court. You are both responsible for the debts.
Split the bills according to proportional to your incomes.
Get separate charge accounts. Don't have a joint one. You will have to come up with a reason that makes sense to her. If she runs up a big tab on personal tid bits, you have a chance of avoiding that bill if a divorce happens.

Advise:
Work on the relationship.
Stand up like a man. Don't cow down because of her new found power. She is seeing other strong men in her daily routine. You must be seen as just as strong.

Dress better. Have her take you shopping for new clothes for you on her dime. You paid for her clothes didn't you?? Also the clothes stays with you after divorce.

Shave or don't, cut your hair or don't, which ever looks better on you as seen from other womens eyes.

Stash as much cash as you can safely hide. Do this on a steady basis. Don't put it in a bank. Don't tell anyone. Do you have access to your parents house as a stash house??

Develope an outside interest that doesn't involve her. It makes you look more important in her eyes and less of a house schmuck. Plus the looks from other stray women will boost your ego. That boost will filter through when you get home.

Remember your military background. Plan for the worst while working toward your target (happy marriage).