ladies, I would like your opinions/advice on an extreme situation. Shoot me down if you must

reply to post by caladonea


It's a fair point that you make. So you advise me to really drop this thing? Bear in mind, I'm more looking for a way to move this forward if it is at all POSSIBLE, if you really feel that its not then that is ok, I am listening

reply to post by Tasmanaut


Don't worry. When the time is right the RIGHT girl will come along. Having Asperger's isn't a romantic death sentence! Lot's of girls are attracted to the "quiet, mysterious guy". It just takes you longer to warm up, and that can be a GOOD thing!

You are very young and have a lot to learn about life and love. If what is left of the "relationship" with your former girl is it usually coming down to verbal ugliness in the end then it is time to step away. Most people have had this type of relationship at one time or another. The best thing you can do for both of you is walk away. Unhealthy relationships are no good for either party.

And just so you know, my husband was one of those quiet guys that kind of stayed in the background. It's the first thing that attracted me to him. My Momma always told me that still waters run deep- and she was right.

Thank you again for your kind words and patience. While the relationship is over, I would like to begin a friendship in earnest. Do you see a way of that being possible?

reply to post by Tasmanaut


Maybe in a few years after you've both moved on with your lives, but definitely not now. Your emotions are still too raw and your passions too high to accomplish an honest, sincere friendship. I'm just going by what you have said yourself. If you are becoming verbally abusive when you don't receive the response you want you are still too angry to be a true friend. True friendship is based on honesty and respect. I don't verbally abuse my friends if we disagree or they don't tell me what I want to hear. I bet you don't treat your guy friends that way, so if what you really wanted was true friendship with this girl you wouldn't treat her that way either. Same goes for her.

Just let it go. It will get easier as time goes by. First loves are always the most difficult, but time changes all things.

reply to post by littled16


oh don't worry, it wasn't my first :p fell in love at 12 and pursued a girl all the way through high school and college because I was under the delusion that she loved me too. Turns out in the end she did and we got together finally, didn't work out. then I met this girl... So I have a history of long drawn out sagas like this, I'm used to the amount of time required for something so bizarre. It's not exactly healthy I known, but It always seems like my gut is right in the end. At least in the sense that I know how they really feel, despite what people tell me

reply to post by Tasmanaut


'There is some sort of link between us, its been stretched far and thin and violently yanked, but it hasn't snapped and it seems that it can't.'

That's genius. That's EXACTLY how it feels.

reply to post by Swizzy


I'm sometimes good with analogies :p check your PM's Swizzy there's a song you might relate to.

Originally posted by Tasmanaut
This charade went on and on, name calling, insults and threats of violence (on both parts)

Sounds to me like neither of you are ready to be in a committed relationship.

None of that should have ever taken place. Let alone again and again.

The mere fact that both of you continued it after years break tells me you two are not compatible, and neither of you, again, are ready to be in a relationship in general.

Your hostility and co-dependence issues seem to be stemming from low self-esteem and depression.

It's time for some drastic change in your life. Telling yourself she will fix this, is a band-aide on an open wound. You need to address the root issue. You need to be self-sustaining in you internal emotional world before you're capable of a healthy co-independent relationship. I don't know what this change is that you need, but it's clear you need it. Maybe this means going back to college and going to the gym and learning to dance;. No idea. You need to figure this out.

Here is a super simple analogy I got from a life coach at a bar. Imagine putting a percentage on your happiness and peace of mind, on your "wholeness of well-being". Let's say it was 60%. Naturally you crave to be 100%. You meet a girl that is at %100. You enter a relationship and automatically you form a co-dependence to her strength. She lifts you up. The problem is it's draining her. That's what co-dependency does (needy, clingy, emotional vampire, all that jazz). She's not going to sustain her 100%... now she's dropped to say 70% and she no longer has the strength to sustain you. Thus relationship starts to fall apart.

You need to be 100% and the girl you find needs to be 100%. Of course this not to be taken so literally, I mean to say you need to be happy with who you are and where you are going, and you need to find a girl in a similar position. Don't think you're going to get to this point with out serious effort and work. You need to make some real life changes.

Move On!

Don't be a stalker.

Just move on dude.

thank you for your kindness. thread /

I only needed to read half this to say stay away from her and she should stay away from you. It's dateline show waiting to happen if you continue.

You sound young and/or inexperienced with relationships. I don't mean that as an insult but someone who acts like this, even her, isn't mature enough to be in a serious relationship. You should always be able to talk to your spouse without being nasty esp if nasty is the only way you can get them to talk to you.

You are toxic for each other plain and simple. If the only way you can get her to talk to you is by aggressive means that is when it crosses the line into crazy. You should never have to do that to get someones attention. I have been with guys who do this and it is not attractive.






I was watching a show on ID (channel in the states) it's like a Dateline channel so everything is crime related. It had a couple who had a toxic relationship and well they both ended up dead. Passion and anger can cause some messed up crap to happen...not saying you would do anything such thing but it is bad to keep people in your life who are toxic to you...

Would you drink toxins? No, then why keep toxic people around?

good luck

Personally? I would leave it well alone and put it to bed.
I have this ex, we broke up about 6 years ago, were together for just shy of two and a half years. We lived together, he wanted to start a family etc.
We broke up and he started going out with my best friend. And much of the fall out was as you described. Nasty communications, etc.
It got to the point where 5 years after breaking up, he was STILL kicking off about me to anyone who would listen and even sent the police to my house.
But if I saw him in public, he would speak to me, and be perfectly normal, chatty, jokey, TWO FACED.

Women do the two-faced thing perfectly.
And if there is anything we love more, it's to keep a guy hanging on. We're vain beings, don't hate us for it. We're great at doing the "OMG I LOVE YOUR FACE, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU" thing one moment, to brushing you off the next.

I think it would be best if you move on, especially since the past between you is juvenile. Even if you were to start a new maturer relationship between you both, that previous behaviour together is programmed into how you interact with each other, making it a likely possibility that you will continue to behave in such a way once the going gets rough. And it's not just a one man deal, you would both have to make a conscious effort to not go down that road. And when you think about it, having to work that hard to not be a d*ck to each other is probably not worth the relationship.

It took me years to learn not to respond to unkind words with equally unkind words. If she texts you some hateful rubbish, either just respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps in time you will feel differently," or don't respond at all.
If you are making an effort to leave the immaturity behind you, and she sends messages that are frankly, childish, her receiving a response like that will make her feel like she's just been served, and she'll feel stupid and not want to talk to you like that any more, because you hold the moral upper hand.

Emotions and relationships are not a game, we all know that.
I think your best bet is to be her friend, but don't chase it. If she texts you or calls you and is nice, then by all means, respond in kind. Don't bandy words with her, and don't buy her anything!!!! She's not your girlfriend, don't treat her as such. It will only make her feel like she should send something back, or make awkwardness if either of you were to start seeing someone.

I think everyone has that ex who they wish things could have gone differently with, whether to get back together or to generally have behaved better. Let your relationship with her serve as an example of how things shouldn't be done, and go be a really great boyfriend to someone who not only deserves it, but also you deserve. Because lets face it, she doesn't sound like the kind of partner I would want.

reply to post by Lulzaroonie

And if there is anything we love more, it's to keep a guy hanging on. We're vain beings, don't hate us for it. We're great at doing the "OMG I LOVE YOUR FACE, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU" thing one moment, to brushing you off the next. .Women do the two-faced thing perfectly.

Don't stereotype an entire gender.

If you think that of yourself or the women you have known I won't discount your personal experience. There are billions of women. Not all women are like that. Not all men are like that. Gender stereotypes are largely disingenuous to reality.

Other than that I mostly agreed with your post Except for maybe undermining his role in making the relationship bad

Mate, you are 21.. When I was your age I was married and had the same toxicity flowing through as yours has.. Infact, the only reason it survived 7 years is because as a soldier I was away for 9 months of the year.. However when we were together it was intense on every level.. We did not do middle ground.. It was either totally amazing or totally bad.. It was a very physical and emotionally intense relationship.. However the brightest star always burns the shortest.. It took quite a number of years to get over and even now still have to face the backlash of her still, after 12 years sending nasty mail over facebook!! I really should not respond but a part of me enjoys the banter methinks..

With my own experience in mind, I suggest a clean break and a severing of ties.. At the moment you are wasting a good part of your youth emotionally and time...

Move on... Let her go.. Let her do the running if she wants you.. But make up your mind not to waste anymore of your time on this earth obsessing over one person on it, or before you even realise, you will be forty years old and achieved nothing..