need advice really long story

Hello try to keep this short 40 years old got married at 19 wife is 8 years older than i,my only son is having a baby with his girlfriend in December; wife and i both work have decent lifestyle.Now here where it gets bad I've left my wife twice in the last 20 years for other women but she took me back both times. Now she has developed a really bad back problem over the last few years so the marriage has kinda became a partnership.
I'll ex plane quickly how it got here was a and still really am in a scene a good husband. I never would have cheated on her but was being accused when i wasn't.So after several years of accusations I finally did. Our last separation was almost 4 years ago. since then things are "o.k." we don't fight anymore but over last few months I've made a friend with a woman that I haven't slept with;but I've never felt like this before we click she is interested ;but scared.If i was single already I'd say we would be dating. Both the of our pasts our a little jaded and we have shared that with each other.
So I am very afraid of being single never have been i can take care of myself financially wise;but my 20 year old son who is working full time depends on me still. don't know what to do I try everyday to make it work with my wife she just doesn't respond. Maybe being single would be good for me but I don't just want to date around love having a committed relationship where both people are happy. haven't slept much in 3 days need some advice please someone help me.

If its not working with your wife, It's not working,

Stop living a lie, she deserves better than to have somebody who will only stay with her for conveinience..

Its time to face up to truth

reply to post by Sinny


It's more out of guilt and pity. If i left she would have to move in with her dad im the only man she has ever been with. she somehow still loves me but how i dont know

20 year old son depends on you?

That's called a 'failure to launch' - he's an adult and needs to go out and make it on his own.

Other than that, follow your heart . You would be foolish to stay in a 'partnership'.

reply to post by acacko


well he has a job as an assistant produce manager 1 hour away doesn't make enough to be on his own let alone with a baby on the way my wife and i havent shared a bed in 3 years more or less just dont know what to do

Why can't you move out and leave her the house? It's you that wants something different, not her. You are the one who has been disloyal many times. I think she deserves everything and you deserve nothing. If you want to start a "New" life with a new woman then you should leave everything from your old life behind. With the exception of your kids. I really feel bad for her.

How could you do that to your wife so many times?

reply to post by buddybaney

...exactly. If he has you as a backup, he's NEVER going to do what needs to be done to raise his family.He'll have YOU to do it.

I think you need to take a break from this other woman so that you can get your head clear. I would have a frank conversation with your wife, get a marriage counselor if needed, and lay your cards on the table. If you haven't slept good in three days your head is not going to be clear about any of this. Step back, take a breath, focus on your immediate family.

I have to laugh just a little at comments to leave your wife of 20 years to "Follow your heart"

You say you've had a few affairs before.. So really, how do you know it would be your heart you're following?
Something I've always believed is that when most people cheat on their wives/husbands it's because they are not getting what they need out of the relationship.. Either you start looking for someone who is willing to fulfill those needs ( whatever they may be ) or you just happen to meet someone that you believe can.

I know everyone says " trust is the foundation of a relationship" and I don't disagree, completely. I just think communication and respect should be added in that saying.. It's my opinion that after 20 years, a child and previous
Infidelities, you OWE your wife the respect of communication. Which means, talk with her honestly, tell her there is something lacking in your relationship and you've been having thoughts of seeking what you need elsewhere. If she refuses to try and give you what you feel you need, then I would say consider leaving.. But at least give her the opportunity to work on things.

She's taken you back after you've betrayed her and you've gone back.. Surely there must be a kind of love if you keep coming back together?

On a side note: If you have been thinking of starting a relationship with someone other than your wife, you are already emotionally cheating on her. Just my opinion.

Originally posted by Jinxy

If you have been thinking of starting a relationship with someone other than your wife, you are already emotionally cheating on her. Just my opinion.

This. I am in a similar situation, just not for as long. Being trapped in a relationship is the most horrifying thing i have ever experienced. Tell your spouse how you feel deep down inside and if she doesn't like it, she can sit on it and bounce. It sounds like you do not like her anymore in the first place. It took me a long time to tell my X i hated her guts.

Tell her how you feel. Bottom line. Communication is key.

Originally posted by Jinxy
I have to laugh just a little at comments to leave your wife of 20 years to "Follow your heart"

You say you've had a few affairs before.. So really, how do you know it would be your heart you're following?
Something I've always believed is that when most people cheat on their wives/husbands it's because they are not getting what they need out of the relationship.. Either you start looking for someone who is willing to fulfill those needs ( whatever they may be ) or you just happen to meet someone that you believe can.

I know everyone says " trust is the foundation of a relationship" and I don't disagree, completely. I just think communication and respect should be added in that saying.. It's my opinion that after 20 years, a child and previous p
Infidelities, you OWE your wife the respect of communication. Which means, talk with her honestly, tell her there is something lacking in your relationship and you've been having thoughts of seeking what you need elsewhere. If she refuses to try and give you what you feel you need, then I would say consider leaving.. But at least give her the opportunity to work on things.

She's taken you back after you've betrayed her and you've gone back.. Surely there must be a kind of love if you keep coming back together?

On a side note: If you have been thinking of starting a relationship with someone other than your wife, you are already emotionally cheating on her. Just my opinion.

Exactly!

Second line.

reply to post by buddybaney


Sounds like you're a family man who has a family that doesn't make you feel secure.

It also doesn't sound like you or your wife wouldn't miss each other very much if you left. You both would only miss the stability that comes when two people share their lives. But if that's all you have, leave. That's not a relationship. That is, like you said, a partnership.

If you feel in your gut that you can do better with the other woman, then do it. She sounds like a good woman if she doesn't want this to happen while you're still married. She sounds like what you need.

Sounds to me like you know what what you need, it's just the transition that's hard for you. I can relate. I'm not the dating type either. Never have been. I've always gotten what I wanted without having to go through all that. Being faced with what you need can be hard to get though without communication. Since you two do communicate, just make sure that what you say helps build trust and faith in each other. That's a very important building block when you're building a relationship. I'll admit, that's something I need to work on myself. And I am.

Your shortcomings in the past? Be honest with her about them and expect the same from her. Also start talking to her about what you both want out of the lives you build for each other. Since you're both not the dating type, it should be natural to just cut to the chase and get right to the important issues. Also be honest with her when you tell her you want to be a better man and you feel that she can be a big part in helping you do that.

It's one thing to tell a woman that she's needed, but it's another to show her that it's the truth. The same thing goes with the woman. You may have your shortcomings, but so does she. We all need work.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but maybe you should focus on what you are doing to cause your marraige to fail. More than likely, you are not meeting her needs and she responds by not working to meet your needs. You may think you have tried everything but the reality is that most people want to love someone the way they want to be loved and not how the other person wants to be loved. For example, I hate my back being rubbed so I never used to rub my wife's back. FInally, she told me that she really enjoys back rubs so I started doing it. In return, I get some things that I enjoy that she may not necessarily want to do. It is a give and take and sometimes you have to be the hero and take the first step and ask her what she needs in the relationship.

Furthermore, you already left twice and it didn't work. The odds that this new interest is really the one is next to zero. Once the warm fuzzys fade, real life comes in and smacks you with the truth about yourself and the other woman. I have been in this situation recently myself and I blamed my wife for making me want to cheat. She wasn't filling my needs so I felt I had a right to find it elsewhere. After I cheated I checked out of the marraige because I needed an excuse to justify my behavior. When the other woman turned out not to be "as advertised" my always faithful and loving wife forgave and we focused on us. It has not been easy but I have no question that it is worth it.

reply to post by buddybaney


Don't lead your wife on any longer! You are having an emotional affair with this women which is still cheating! You dont have to have sex to cheat on a partner. If you are sharing intimate and emotional fears and thoughts with each other, it's more than just friends imo and many others.

Don't stick around with your wife if you are unhappy, it is unfair to everyone involved esp her since she has taken you back already after cheating.