Death & Emptiness..

Off topic - Strangely enough, this thread has attracted some members that I really really like and hold in high esteem. I am touched that many of you have decided to share some of your own losses and how you have come to deal with it.

A loss of someone we hold dear is never easy and never predictable. It becomes part of our experience of living on this little blue dot.

Even though I feel it is important to answer and share with all of you on an individual basis, I also feel it was important to say once again, Thank You. Thank you for offering support, for listening, for being there.

This thread has shown me that some very very good people have seen much worse than I have. It has also shown me that I am not alone. When I wrote it, I wasn't expecting much replies and honestly was just venting out a surplus of frustration and emptiness. Some of your stories have made me cry. Some have made me smile. Some have made me think.

ALL have been a comfort to my heart.

THANK YOU !

reply to post by sugarcookie1


Sugarcookie, thank you for your support !

I struggled with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt..

Exactly ! And the feeling of being helpless. There is so much more we wish we could do or have done but just can't. It's like watching a bad car accident in slow motion, knowing it will be fatal. Worst feeling ever.

I really focus on remembering the good times. And am grateful I was allowed to live them.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


Kangaruex, what a beautiful reply !

Thank you for the kind words.

reply to post by kisharninmah

Everyone and everything is moving on but you. You're just there, frozen in grief.

Everything that I have lived since August 5th, you have perfectly said in two little sentences !

I shake myself out of that feeling multiple times a day. I guess it will get better over time. Thanks.

reply to post by cbaskins


Cbaskins,

My condolences !

I know right now that it feels insurmountable but trust me, you will recover in due time. I lost my dad twenty years ago. I have never forgotten. But the wounds have healed. Man do I understand your anger and frustration ! You are not alone.

When my friend became sick, there has been family members that have showed up...some after 10, 12 and 18 years of not seeing him. And I can hardly classify them as human beings. They had no conscience. And had I been a member of his family, I would have punched one of them out for sure. The anger just builds up and steam increases inside. Feels like the world is crazy and somehow, we might not be normal since we are not like them. But it isn't true. Some people are good, some are mean. Society in general.

Thank you for sharing and venting. If you ever felt like talking more or needing an ear, I am just always a PM away.

Our stories are very similar. Very.

reply to post by SonoftheSun


Just an update to share with you SunoftheSun.

The memorial service for my friend is today. It's only about 9 a.m. here, but this has been the hardest day so far. I don't know why, I got up early, everything was going well, I was on my way to work, and posting a reminder on FB for the memorial service tonight, and I just really broke down, and it's been coming in waves ever since.

For some reason, it seems harder to talk about the good times, and all the good things about my friend than it is to talk about his death. I don't mind talking about what happened this weekend, and being there when he died, and I don't mind talking about taking care of his stuff, and dealing with the logistics, but what I really want to talk about, to anyone that will listen, is just what a great guy he was, and how much he meant to so many people. BUT, everytime I talk about that stuff, I well up in tears. In fact, everytime I even think about that stuff I well up in tears, and sometimes I can't keep myself from just crying. I've never felt like this in my entire life. I've lost grandparents and uncles, and I've been married and divorced and married again, had 2 kids, been in life-threatening situations myself, and I have gotten through it all without a tear, without a fear, without hesitation, but right now, all I want to do is just slow everything down, make it stop, make it wait. I'm not ready to have his service, I'm not ready to say goodbye, and there are so many people that don't know him the way I do, they just need to wait, they need me to tell them about everything he ever did in his life. We need more time, so everyone can know him the way I knew him. It isn't fair, and I'm not ready.

I just thought I would share, just in case it is anything like what you are feeling, and maybe it will help to know what others are going through. I wouldn't say I'm "dealing with it," like everyone keeps asking me. I don't know what that means. I can't deal with it. I can't do anything. All I can do is keep remembering him, and keep telling others about him, and keep handling my other responsibilities in the meantime and moving on without him. Doesn't seem right though.

reply to post by getreadyalready


Getreadyalready,

It means a lot to me that you are willing to share how you feel. I am sure that it means a lot to others as well. Having been a mod, I am sure you know that there are much more people reading than actually replying. So, my friend, your words are not falling on a deaf and/or a blind audience. And every one of them COUNT.

Why don't we men cry? I did cry but very little. It seems the pain goes deeper than that. The death of my friend has really shaken the core of many beliefs that I held for truths. Perhaps you feel that way too?

I went back to work this morning and it's a kind of relief. I look forward to going back tonight. Like you, all I seem to think about and talk about is how and who he was. A great loss. I know that feeling well.

How does one deal with that? Seeing the neverending pain, seeing the tortured body, seeing the death. I don't think we are able to deal with something like that. The sorrow, the emptiness, the feeling of loss, the feeling of never, ever, get to talk with him again, be with him again, laugh with him again. I try to remember the good memories, the fun, the laughter but it is hard. I try very hardly to forget what I have seen him go through. It is traumatic.

I wish I was there, with you and a few others from this thread, to give you a hug and a smile. To look into your eyes and say "I know. I understand. We will get through this with time."

But pixels on a screen will have to do for now.

It isn't fair, and I'm not ready.

Nothing could be more truthful. Life isn't fair. Never has been, never will be. It's a shame.

How could we ever be ready? I don't think it's possible so I just try to follow the flow. With hope that, in due time, life will get back to a regular mode.

Again, thank you for sharing and please do not stop. My thoughts go with you tonight. So does my heart.

~A friend.

reply to post by SonoftheSun

the feeling of never, ever, get to talk with him again, be with him again, laugh with him again. I try to remember the good memories, the fun, the laughter but it is hard. I try very hardly to forget what I have seen him go through. It is traumatic.

It is an odd thing for him to be gone, and it doesn't compute yet. When I was driving over to his house last night to help box up some things, I caught myself wondering what kind of mood he would be in, wondering if he would be up to getting up or going out, and then I realized he was dead. When my emotions get hard to deal with, and I want to talk to someone, I think about calling him....... to talk about him. There is such a big missing piece there. A part of my life, my routine, my thought process, my very being, and now it is gone, and I'll have to adjust. I'll have to find a different way to live my life without him in it. I think it would be easier to lose an arm or a leg, because at least I would have his support there to get through it, but there is no replacement for his support, so without him there, I'm lost sometimes.

The death of my friend has really shaken the core of many beliefs that I held for truths. Perhaps you feel that way too?

I wasn't sure if I should respond to this part or not.

On the one hand.....
I'm certain that it is not fair, and it is such a waste of so much potential. He was 30 years old, he spoke 4 languages fluently, he played football for Bobby Bowden, he joined the Omega Psi Phi, and the Freemasons, he owned a home, and a truck, and a motorcycle, and he worked as a counselor for students, and a life-coach, and he impacted the lives of everyone that would meet him. He made Mike Tyson cry. He went drinking with Jerry Rice and Zach Crockett. He grew up in the USSR, went to High School in San Francisco, played football and lived in Florida, and had friends like me from Missouri, and Texas, and South Carolina. When he was lying in the hospital the Mayor came to visit him, and people have flown in from other cities, states, and countries for tonight's service. He could have accomplished more in his life, with his skills, and his personality, and his tenacity, than I can ever dream. If there is a God, this seems like such a terrible, terrible waste of something he created. With hundreds, possibly thousands of people praying for my friend, he still passed away in pain. And he didn't give up, he refused the DNR, he refused to go to Hospice, he refused to admit he was dying, he fought for every last breath with all of us there by his side. If there is a God........... then why?

BUT, on the other hand.....
I believe we are all here for a specific learning opportunity, and my friend had more life experience in his short 30 years than I will ever match if I live to be 200. He lived life to the fullest, and he surely accomplished and experienced whatever it was to come to this earth for. In the meantime, he also taught many of us how to live, and changed our lives for the better. Even today, I am experiencing pain, and joy, and confusion, and emotions I have never experienced in my life, and they are because of him. My life is fuller because of his life, and my earthly experience is more complete having experienced his loss. Tonight there will be a few hundred people at his services, and everyone of us have lived our lives a little differently because we knew him.

So, on that hand, maybe God did have a hand in it. Maybe my friend got exactly what he needed out of this existence, and maybe God got exactly what he planned out of this creation, and maybe we are all getting exactly what we need by enduring this loss.

I don't think it has shaken my faith any, but it has certainly illustrated just how much I don't know about God's plan, and just how insignficant I feel in the grand scheme of things, while at the same time how significant one life can be to those it touches.

reply to post by Labrynth2012


I appreciate your kind words.

Thank you !

reply to post by imod02

Small steps is all we can take and put a greater value on life.

True.

Life has more value than I'll never really comprehend. Thank you for the kind words !

reply to post by surya13


Surya,

Some moments with tears…and some moments with hope because we don’t understand ?

Could be. There are many questions and very few answers. The main one being...why?

The only answer I can personally come out with is that it is part of Life. The Circle of Life.

I also believe in a superior entity that must know what it's doing. But it's out of my reach at the moment.

reply to post by getreadyalready


I read your message and I unsderstand what you are feeling…

Like Sonofthesun said :

“I wish I was there, with you and a few others from this thread, to give you a hug and a smile. To look into your eyes and say "I know. I understand. We will get through this with time."

That’s my best wishes for the moment… and the future ! Because we need time to cry… unsderstand…and let the past behing us !

With my best thought from my heart…. ♥

Surya ☼