Waves of change

The rocks splashed in the water, the sound of your excited laughter as each rock landed. I looked across the water, the sun shining bright in the sky. Looking back at you I wondered if you had any idea the love I have for you. I thought about all the moments in my life that were forever changing and I realized this was one of those moments. I looked at you ,this little boy without a care in the world. So very precious to me.

I wanted so much for you, I wanted you to have the family I didn’t have growing up. I wanted all that for you and I couldn’t give it to you. I’m so sorry Xander. I tried to do it and in the end I couldn’t. Watching you having so much fun all I could do was cry.

I cried for you and I cried for me. I cried for all those moments I’ve missed in your life, your first steps, the first time you crawled. I know when I take you home now there will be someone else there to play with you to help you build your railroad for your choo-choos all the things I cant do when I’m not with you. I know I should be happy but Im sad that it’s not me, that I can’t be that person who always tucks you in and tickles your tummy before you fall asleep.

I cried for the loss of the relationship with her. I cried because I knew I had to find the strength to let her go some things just weren’t met to be. The tears flowed,. I dug my feet into the wet sand and closed my eyes and with each wave that came in it took out a little bit of sand from beneath my toes, I imagined that it was the love I had for her that was being taken away a little bit at a time slowly leaving me. Gone but not forgotten. I’m supposed be strong and I don’t know how to. My mind keeps recreating a life with her that was never too be. The tiny little flame I had for her, that I sheltered from the wind all this time died tonight on that beach as I watched our son play in the water.

I looked up and you were standing there looking at me. You sat down and took your sandals off and dug your feet into the sand just like I had done with mine. You looked at me and smiled. I hugged you close to me and kissed your forehead “I love you” is all I could say over and over again as my tears wet your hair. All I wanted was to hold you tight and never let go. I wished that I could have froze that moment forever. I live my life for those precious moments when you are all mine. When its just you and me and the wind at our back. That is what I live for.