Closing Time [LEWC]

To this very day, that song fills me with a set of conflicting emotions I really can’t explain. Fear, doubt, absolute grief, and a sense of wonder whether at this point in my life I had some great divine hand intervened and gave me exactly what I needed at probably the lowest point in my life.

Before this I never considered the power of symbology, how something as simple as a song that would most likely be just another tune to you, serves as a reminder of a point in my life that everything changed.

I heard this song driving back from the hospital, where after years of being apart, I had finally met up with what I’d consider to this day to be the love of my life. Fate can be cruel though, and even though we’d known each other since we were toddlers, we had never really had the chance to actually be together. It was always distance, other partners, pretty much anything that could’ve, had driven a wedge between us. Only once had she told me how she felt, only once had we shared what I consider to be a true kiss.

We drifted apart and came together again many times over the course of growing up, but as adults we married others, and our lives played along different paths. We kept in contact though, and remained reasonably close.
When she first wrote to me and informed of her cancer, I thought she was joking. Cancer at 23? But yes, it was true. Luckily it was treatable, and so went the usual chemotherapy that followed, and despite a few setbacks, it went into regression. Next thing she had met a guy, was getting married, and had a child on the way. At the time I was in the same boat, although I secretly longed for us to be together, our lives seemed to be destined to be separate, so I let it be.

Two years passed, and we had drifted apart. Emails only came periodically, but she had given birth to a daughter. As time passed, the emails increased again. I got the strong impression her marriage was faltering, and her husband not the man I had met at their wedding. How terribly right I was. I won’t go into the details, but lets just say he’s currently serving at Her Majesty’s pleasure for armed robbery, assault and battery.

Then I got the email that changed everything. She had been diagnosed with cancer again. It had returned, agressively this time. Chemo wouldn’t save her this time, nothing short of the will of God would.
I saw her constantly as she faded away before me. The last time I think she knew this was the end. In my ignorance I didn’t believe it, but I still remember vividly as she grasped my hand with all the strength she had left, and looked me in the eyes.

“Please. Please take her. Make sure she’s brought up right. Don’t let her fall through the cracks.” Those exact words. Of course she was referring to her daughter. I didn’t know what to think. I had no plans for kids, my own or otherwise. Funnily enough six months later my own child would be on the way, but for the time being I was pretty much gobsmacked. She made me promise, would not let go of my hand until I promised her I would take care of her child.

Driving home, that song came on the radio. I was in a sense of stasis, I didn’t know what the hell to think. I went home and barely slept, so when the phone rang at exactly 554am, I answered almost straight away. She had passed during the night, had finally succumbed to the cancer. I was devastated, and all I could hear the next day was that damn song, going around in my head like a goddamned broken record. In the same day I had lost the love of my life I’d never had, and was now facing the prospect of fulfilling my promise, and become a father to this tiny little child that now had no one.

The next six months were a torture I hope to rather never go through again, honestly, I would rather be waterboarded for a week than go through the humiliation of government questioning again. It cost me my last marriage in the end, the stress my partner and I went through in ridiculous governement questions, considering the fact we already had two kids (hers) and had another on the way by that point, we were made to feel like criminals and scum just for the chance to foster and hopefully adopt a child.

After the breakup, I was at my lowest point. Yet despite the constant feeling of hopelessness and wanting to just check out of this world, I couldn’t. I had two kids now, not to mention a promise to fulfil. I couldn’t let go, they were both relying on me. And even though sometimes the weight of the world gets to be a bit much, I only have to look at the two girls in my life, and I realise just why the hell I’m meant to keep going. I look at my adopted daughter, and every day she looks more and more like her mother, something which, like that song, fills me with a mix of emotion. Pride, sadness, love, even a sense of grief to this day.

In the end, despite everything we’ve all been through, I realise my path.

I am dad.

reply to post by 74Templar


Well done, very touching. SnF.

I'm seeing a pattern to all the stories this month. Everyone is reaching inside, and exposing a bit of their souls, creating stories, yes, but also releasing perhaps burdens we shouldn't have been carrying in the first place.

You truly are a father. Again, floodgates of emotion are opened up, as I find myself being able to relate to your words. Not the same exact story, but akin in ways that only dad's can feel.

S&F for you. This brought tears to my eyes when I read it. You sir, are a stand up guy and I hope you never let anyone tell you any different.

S&F!
Good job!

reply to post by 74Templar


S&F

An excellent and touching story. Your a great man, and I am certain a great father!

Thank you all for the replies.

What's odd is only the few people involved know this story, and most of them don't know the full story from start to today. I've never written it all down, and although it was immensely personal (It took three days to write and then another day before I had the courage to hit post), it was incredibly theraputic to actually get it all out at last.

Great story! I can't imagine the state of shock you were in for the following months afterwards. Seems like you made it out ok though. Thank you for sharing your story.

Enjoy your girls and spoil them every day.

In the end, despite everything we’ve all been through, I realise my path.

Thanks for sharing this link in your poem that you wrote. You are right, that really helps put things in deeper perspective for me. And my heart goes out to you.
Very few and far between do I read things from other members that are so damn touching!
If only a star and flag could equal the empathy I have for you and your family. So that will have to do and you can take me on my word.
In the end.. Your one damn good DAD! There are not enough good Dads out there. But there are some, and its good to hear from one.

And that goes a long ways in this world man. So many Dads out there that could never be the man you are!
I am proud and honored by what you have been through, and your family too.

Words only go so far, thus I will just thank you for sharing your story with us here, and I know this is going to help others out there on ATS.. You will and have made a difference here!