Slipping away

Oh dear, where to begin? Well I've notice quiet a few use this forum for venting relationship problems. I guess that what I want to do.

I met my husband when I was 19. Buy amazing chance as I was not looking for love. Who wold be at 19? We dated very strong for 3 years, none of this on again of again type of thing. We clicked straight away. Both still lived at home with our parents. Although I had seen others before, he was my first real love.
After 3 years of dating we moved in together, life was great. Fitted into each others lives very easily. Although deep down one day i knew I'd like to marry someone, I was honestly in no hurry. Never pressured him and always under the impression he would when & if he wanted. Simple, we loved each other, lived as husband & wife.
The Xmas he popped the question was an ordinary one, woke up exchanged gifts, had coffee. I didn't see it coming. He sat next to me on lounge, pulled out a ring, asked, I said yes & we both cried.
Our wedding was a wonderful day, as most are. Everything went to plan. Time now to get on with doing what we do, living an un dramatized life. So next came babies, well so we thought. After 2 yrs. we found out we needed help, devastating at first but with the strong relationship we had nothing could bet us. We jumped straight in to treatment always there for each other. The ups & lows could be enough to ruin any marriage but not ours, if anything be became closer & stronger.
Babies came with the help, we know how lucky we were, a wonderful reward for all our hard work and we seemed to make good parents too.
Sorry for rambling on, just trying to get my head & heart back To this life, this place were we we're both so happy & most things were good & how it should be.

So we're it begins to slip away...
We have both been smokers, ok ok we know it's bad for us & our kids. Tried a few times to give it away with no luck. Hubby decided to try a new tablet which is suppose to work wonders ( this is not a medical conspiracy story, although has over tones of it ). Hubby gives up the fags easily & is now off the tablets ,then after a while we both notice he is starting to not handle things well. He starts getting angry at the smallest things, he's starting to get down on himself. After a hell of a lot of talking and about 6 mths of this he finally goes to doc who gives him anti depression tablets and tells him he has anxiety . Great well at least we know. A few weeks and he seems to really pickup.
We have a couple of nearly normal months, but now I'm noticing something else. He's drinking has gone up a few notches. Nothing to worry about, he's noticed and seems to have it under control .

Well its been about 18 mths sinse he started the smoking tablets, he's still on anti depressants and I'm pretty sure an alcoholic and I'm absolutely devastated. He knows I am, I've told him. He knows he drinks too much, I've told him. He tries to cut back sometimes but slips right back. He needs help but won't admit it, I feel like he's slipped away or maybe I'm moving away from him. Who knows there's only so much someone can do to help, if the person don't want it, it's a lost cause. There is also only so much someone can take, I'm tired of it all. But sad, I don't want the marriage to end. I feel like crap feeling like this behind his back even thought this is kind of therapeutic and you are all unknown. I feel better for venting, was crying when I started.
Sorry if spelling or whatever is not great, I'm doing this from a phone. Thanks for reading if you have & no need to reply I think I can actually smile again I also think its time to work on this again and get our love back. Get this mess sorted out.

Hugs to you both.
Sending love your way.

Im no doctor but it sounds like you two have an amazing and powerful relationship/friendship. I would recommend the two of you just going back and finding what you two had before. Remebering all the things you went through together and what has lead you to this moment together. I understand how it is to vent to other that you dont even know. It helps in so many ways. Remember to keep Him first and he will take care of the rest.

Good Luck on your journey together. Based on your story, I do believe you two have something special. Something a lot of couples dont have anymore.

reply to post by feelingconnected


I would think the meds he is taking might be the cause. Lots of "anti depressants" screw with different people. and make them more depressed. read the side effects and it will say may cause suicidal thoughts. It is really unbelievable what the meds do. i was taking lyrica for nerve pain and got severly depressed. stopped it and low an behold no more depression. Here are the side effects of Chantix: Important Safety Information

Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems before taking CHANTIX, as these symptoms may worsen while taking CHANTIX

reply to post by sd211212


does that sound like your husband. doctor says he has anxiety sound they put him on a depressant. Look those side effects up to.

GL to you and your love!

Sounds to me like he has an addictive personality. He needs to need things. He was addicted to smoking, sounds like he's now addicted to alcohol, and he's taking pills a doctor prescribed for mental issues that stemmed from cutting out one of his addictions. ( Bad idea IMO )

You two seem to have a deep and real love. If I were you I'd try to get back to an earlier time when things were good. Take a vacation. Just you and him and get real about things. Find out if he thinks that he NEEDS too much. Like cigs, alcohol, love, whatever. If that's the case, then try to get him to realize that he needs YOU. If you have to be addicted to anything, it may as well be love. It's positive and it's healthy.

I don't think you two really have a lot to worry about. The main issues seem to be what he's been putting into his body. There are natural ways to deal with those issues that don't have all the nasty side effects that meds seem to have. More exercise and a lot of water for example are helping me kick the habit right now and I've been smoking for a very long time.

You both just have to work this out together.

The stop smoking drug Chantix was mentioned above, and it can and will cause depression and suicidal thoughts. Someone close to me tried to use it to stop smoking, and this person was very laid back, and mostly happy. After a few weeks, he was moody, unhappy and angry all the time when he never used to be. After switching medications, it was better, but he never really went back to the way he was.

It sound like you have a wonderful relationship, and I hope that things get better, as they always do. I think it can be very challenging in a relationship when someone changes, and the other person has to get used to the changes. Hang in there.

reply to post by feelingconnected


Your husband went from tobacco to anti-anxiety pills to booze. Just want to point out that the problem is not being addicted to a substance. The problem is that he has an addictive personality, which (seeing as you smoke) you probably do too. I suggest that instead of trying to get him off a habit, try to get him on a habit that doesn't destroy families, friendships, and futures.

I am fortunate in that drugs and booze are the only habits I don't have. I smoke, gamble, and drink lots of coffee. The addictive personality is such that I simply can't fathom a purpose in life without my habits.

Good luck to the both of you.

Just wanted to come and give you a hug and wish you well.

reply to post by feelingconnected


Giving up one drug by using another drug and then going on to no drugs must have been quite a shock to his system.

The drinking is maybe the result of finding a substitute for what is (subconciously) missing. A stimulant. If I run out of tobacco and can't get into town, I open a bottle a bottle of wine.

Habits like smoking and drinking are pretty powerful, each destructive in their own ways and in my opinion, should not be changed so eagerly with a quick fix from an external synthetic source. Although the pills appeared to work, they were not a "natural" cure that relied on inner strength and the choice to "not" do something. What's worse is that more drugs were used to treat your husband, effectively taking away his need to cure himself and putting him in the back seat to ride wherever he was taken.

I really hope you work things out and that your family stays together and support is there for him rather than at the bottom of a glass.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Yes we both do suspect it was the champax as it is known here has altered his mind. I do agree that addictive personallity comes into play a lot . Unfortunate the doctors dont disclose or make more of a point about the side effects I have done a lot of reading on the drug. He and I both wish he had never taken them, but he did. I guess we just need to work through it some how.
Finding a heathy addiction is a great suggestion . Feeling positive about the situation after writing it all down & reading back over it . Thanks again.


A star for all you that read & commented on my ramblings

I can relate to your concerns about your mate being an alcoholic. It can be a very serious problem. It is a crushing feeling of impending doom. It feels like any minute your World can come crashing down upon you and there is nothing you can do about.

You feel completely disconnected from them when they drink and it feels like they have replaced you. You question why they want to disassociate themselves with reality. You witness them struggling and want to help them. But they refuse to help themselves. It causes fights, resentment, fear, insecurity and helplessness.

You feel like they have abandoned you. You feel neglected, unappreciated and detached from the person you thought you knew and loved so well. During the times of sobriety you want to regain the closeness you once had and seek to over compensate for the lack of attention they provide while intoxicated.

You don't want to fight or argue but the moments of sobriety are your only chance to confront the issue. Which causes an inner struggle within you. Because you just want to enjoy the moment of being reconnected again. But you also know that these moments are fleeting and soon they will purposefully disconnect themselves from again. The resent of not be able to solve the big issue leads to nit picking and fights over smaller issues.

It is a vicious cycle of co-dependence and frustration. The real problem never gets solved and continues to get worse. The alcoholic will go back and forth with moments of denial and moments of admitting they have a problem. They begin to lose respect for themselves for their behavior. They become more and more manipulative and they begin hiding their drinking. Which creates more shame and stronger denial within their psyche.

If you can convince them to seek treatment. I highly suggest you also seek separate treatment for co-dependency. Do not try to be his counselor yourself. It will most likely backfire. As hard as it is, try to keep a positive attitude and give him moral support and love. Try to boost their self esteem and pronounce your concern with love, understanding and forgiveness.

Personally, I failed miserably at this but I wish you the best of luck. If they will not seek outside help for their drinking problem. It will most likely get worse. Only you can decide how much of this weight and burden you can endure. It is very painful letting go and you feel like you have failed your loved one and yourself.

All addiction is somewhat similar. This advice doesn't just apply to alcoholism. But from my own personal experience. Alcoholism is a monster and one of the hardest battles to fight. Love and family is definitely worth fighting for. But it is not worth losing yourself to the demon that the addiction is.

God bless you and good luck.

reply to post by feelingconnected


Don't try and do it alone. Pull family and friends into the effort, or even any of the organizations out there to help.

If he's unwilling, there's always the intervention route. It can work.