Hi, my name is Herman and I'm in charge of the whole shootin' match [WRC]

My other WRC entry is here. I went a little different direction with this, I get funny ideas in the mornings when I'm only half awake.

Hi, my name is Herman. Just Herman. I have a last name but I ain’t never remembered it so my momma said a long time ago that I don’t have to so I don’t. I miss momma…

Anyways, I’m saying all this into a recordin’ machine that Joe and Bob gave me, they said to be sure and talk into it every day so the machine can remember things for me. It’s s’posed to write down everything just as I say it. So, here I am talking into the recordin’ machine.

Joe and Bob are my friends, I don’t have too many friends, nope. Jimmy was my friend once a long time ago, but I hasn’t seen Jimmy for a long time. Yep. Not since he got fresh with that police man’s daughter that one night. I bet he kissed ‘er!

Anyways, I want to tell the recording machine about my big fancy new house Joe and Bob done gave me. They brought me here in a really fancy aeroplane last week and this aeroplane had all kinds of neat stuff in it, it had a TV and a bed and a bathroom and all that stuff. I hope they tweren’t mad at me, I made an aweful mess in the bathroom, they fed me some fancy food called cay vee arrr or something, and let me tell you it went right through me, what with the aeroplane movin’ like that an’ all.

Anyways, momma always said I was real smart, an’ so that must be why Joe and Bob showed up that one day. They was driving in their fancy black truck and wearing their fancy suits and sunglasses. Yep, they looked like Will Smith in that one movie with Tommy Lee Jones in it. That one made me laugh a lot but momma said it was stupid. Anyway.

Hi, recordin’ machine! I thought of some more to put in there. Joe an’ Bob said they needed my help and I was the only person in the whole WORLD who could help ‘em. Momma had a little tear in her eyes when I was fixin’ to go but she gave me a big hug and said I should go with Joe and Bob. She said she was real proud o’ me ‘n all when I left.

Joe and Bob said they had a secret they had to tell me and that I wasn’t sposed t’ tell anyone else my secret. I promised not to tell a SOUL! I can keep secrets real good, like when Jimmy stole that fifth of whisky from old man Murray that one time. Ummm…. Never mind about that, you can forget that part, recordin’ machine.

I recon I can tell the recordin’ machine my secret, though. Joe and Bob said that a long time ago there was scientists that made really really big radios, radios like my daddy had when he would talk to the truckers out on the highway. I miss daddy, I wish he didn’t have to go to the special hospital where people go when they get stressed. Momma said he didn’t get stressed ‘cause o’ me an’ I believe ‘er.

Anyway, these scientists had big giant radios and they talked to aliens just like Will Smith did in that movie with Tommy Lee Jones. No kiddin! Not so stupid now, huh momma. They done talked to people out in space that ain’t from Earth!

But that wasn’t the biggest secret of all, no-sir-ee! Them aliens are comin! They’s on their way here. And they really want to talk to us. In fact, Joe and Bob said they were really really really excited to talk to us, so much they just can’t stand it. They can barely wait! They were real excited about havin’ us to dinner ‘n all that. The first person they want to meet is the leader of all humanity.

I asked ‘em why they didn’t let the president do the greetin’, and they said the aliens wouldn’t like the president much and that the president was a little afraid of the aliens an’ all that. They said sumthin about how the aliens don’t like skinny people, and the president sure is a skinny fella!

Is this on? Hello, recordin’ machine. Yup! It’s on. So, Joe and Bob said the scientists thought we should have one person special picked just for talkin’ to the aliens. Someone who was real friendly like, and someone who wasn’t all that afraid of aliens. And for some reason they done picked me to do the greetin’!

Wouldn’t momma be proud.

Jus’ ‘cause I’m so darn nice they put me in this here mansion and said I’m all in charge of everything! If you hear this momma they for real said I’m in charge of it all. I’m in charge of the whole world, the US, Canada, Mexico and ummm….. Germany! Yep, Germany… And ummm…. Australia too! All of the world.

And they gave me all kinds o’ fancy clothes, and a fancy car, and fancy food! And they said I hafta take a shower every day whether I need it or not! I can’t believe it. It’s like a rule or somethin’. And harcuttin’ too, a barber is gonna come ‘round real reg’lar like. Anyway.

Hi recordin’ machine. It’s been a little while since I talked into ya. Yeah. They gots me on the tv and all, they’re makin’ me get on tv a whole bunch and talk about stuff, it’s real hard ‘cause I hafta listen real close to this thing they have in my ear an’ all, and I hafta say what Joe says in my ear on account’a me not readin’ so good. Lots of it’s words I don’t understand much. They said somethin’ about havin’ to get lots of airtime for me.

One time they had me bein’ all mad and angry and saying that everyone in some strange country had to be executed. I don’t understand any of this stuff. I don’t like it all that much any more. Later when I was s’posed to be takin’ a shower I snuck in and saw Joe and Bob watchin’ a video of a bunch of people gettin’ in a giant space ship and it takin’ off. That part was cool I wish you could’a seen it momma, but I don’t like the other part. Anyway. They got mad at me when they saw me peekin’. I reckon’ that’s all.

So, I was on the tv again today and there was more talk about death and stuff. Except this time they had me getting’ all mad about some disease or sumthin’ and how all these people were dyin’ and stuff and … I just want to go home. This really freakin sucks now, momma, and I don’t care if you wash my mouth out with soap neither. I’m so confused about this ‘cause I keep hearin’ Joe and Bob talkin’ ‘bout launches and eee-teee-ayes or sumthin’ and they keep lookin’ all stressed ‘bout this or that an’ how there’s not enough time. Anyway. I gotta go.

Oh, man, I’m sorta freaking out now momma, I really hope you can hear this. I don’t know what else to do, momma. Joe and Bob left today. They tricked me, momma. They had me sit down and watch a movie in my room an’ it was the other Will Smith movie, the one with the guy from the dinosaur movie. They said it was ap… ap.. approprit or somethin’. And then they was just gone. I watched the whole movie an’ all, and when it was over I went lookin’ for Joe and Bob and they was gone!

Well, recordin’ machine, I done got it figured out. I think Joe and Bob done snookered me. I think this is all some kinda joke on me an’ I bet ol’ Jimmy put them up to it. Yeppers, I think this is one big ol’ joke on ol’ Herman.

Hey, recordin’ machine, yer not gonna believe this, I’m seein’ one o’ them there UFO’s like in the movies. It’s just like in the movies, and it’s getting’ bigger and bigger. I can see it clear as day, not all jerky and blurry like they gots on the you tubes. Man, I wish Jimmy could see this! Imma gonna go outside and see, it’s done gone over towards the north and I can’t see it no more. Later, recordin’ machine.

**END OF RECORD**

reply to post by djmarcone


Well Herman you sure did clear up a lot of questions I have always had, I always wondered why when ever there was a UFO sighting it was always observed by a guy with a Checkered shirt and a base ball cap, usually unshaven with a real southern drawl and no TEEFE hahahaha

This story still makes me laugh

I'm wondering if the true plot is too subtle. Herman's pretty thick...

SnF. Loved how you clung to perspective of the redneck, in the first person POV, just to try to trick your readers into reading only the words.

Very well done. Read it twice because I enjoyed it, and had to fit inside the role.

Originally posted by Druid42
SnF. Loved how you clung to perspective of the redneck, in the first person POV, just to try to trick your readers into reading only the words.

Very well done. Read it twice because I enjoyed it, and had to fit inside the role.

Thanks! In a way this scenario is almost darker than the other one I did for the contest. Poor poor Herman...

I don't know if I'm going to get a chance to write anything else for this challenge I've been super busy the last week or two, haven't started anything yet. Had fun with these two though, thanks to all who S+F'd them.

Looking forward to the next one too!